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The possibly worst conversation of my life is imminent


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Okay, here goes...

 

Was with my ex for two years. Everything was awesome. She went to college, and broke up with me about a week later. The first few weeks, I did the begging thing, as she cut off contact the first month. After that, I did the no contact thing back to let her miss me, that was for about a week. By accident, I talked to her on the phone, and since then she's been initiating everything with me. A month ago we started hanging out again. All went well. She said she doesn't want to be with me, yet we acted as if we were together. It went like that for the next three times she came home for weekends. This time was no different. Acted as if we were together and everything. Then she starts talking to some guy, and turns completely cold on me, out of nowhere. She says she can't lead me on anymore, and goes without calling for 3 or 4 days. I'm left absoultely devastated, but I didn't show her. Moreso than I was with the initial break up. Then she calls me and acts completely normal. We start hanging out again, but my guard is way up now. We acted as actual "just friends" the last two times we've hung out.

 

Last night I told her how I was so hurt by her doing that to me. She apologizes and says that's exactly what she was trying to prevent. We start to talk about everything, and at teh first sign of conflict, she puts her shield up and tries to run. This really frustrates me, because she doesn't give it a chance. She says she wants to be single and discover herself and have fun without a boyfriend right now. Well, there's the "discover myself" bit right there. She says she doesn't know what to do, and how she thinks we should stop talking so I can see what's going on, how I need to find myself, and things about how I need time to reflect. This really bothers me, and I let her know. I don't think I'm the only one that needs time. She assures me she knows what she wants and everything. Yet, she has given ehrself absolutely no time byherself th last three months we've been broken up. Although she wants to be single, she's had 8 more than friends flings, 2 more flirtatious flings, and yes, the new guy is still talking to her. She says they're just friends. Sure. Right now, I know of three other guys she has a crush on. All this coming from someone who wants to be single? I don't think so.

 

So, right now where we're at, is she thinks we should maybe cut contact again so I can get over her. Which again, really makes me mad, it makes me feel like she thinks I haven't moved on at all, and her look like she's done everything that someone can do. Anyway, I'm lost as to what to do. I can't just cut someone I love out of my life. I tried once, and it worked, but now we're back to this? She's already got another guy lined up, so what's the point? Sure, I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm waiting or like my life is controlled by her feelings. But at the same time, I think I'd rather feel like that, than not know what's going on with her. She's already made tons of horrible decisions, and hasn't learned yet. I'm afraid if I let her go again, she's not even going to think anything of it and just find the next guy, and forget about me even more. Sure, I've moved on, my days are very full of doing things to keep me busy. I'm even seeing a counsellor. But, that doesn't mean I don't ever think about her or miss her. I've been screwed once already, I don't want to be again. This may be for the better if we don't talk for a little bit, but I feel like she's not even going to remember me the day we don't talk.

 

I'm just scared I think. I don't want this to be the absolute end. I don't want her to feel like I'm finally gone so now she can do whatever she wants, even moreso. Maybe if she cheated on me or something, it would be different. But, the break up is for a stupid reason that is completely unfair to me, and how she is being is unfair to me too. It makes me feel about the size of a pea when she says it's just for me and everything. She mentioned to me that the first time we hung out again, that I seemed like I knew what I wanted and had a sense of what was going on. Like, I wanted to see what was happening before I jumped into anything. Whatever that means, I just wanted her back. I don't know. I think we were meant to be more than friends. I cannot handle sitting back and watching her fall for her next boyfriend. That just doesn't work. So, all of this is basically what's going to happen on the phone tonight I think. Merry Christmas, huh? Comments, questions, anything?

Thanks...

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I hate to tell you, but that would be a REALLY bad idea, to make that phone call. Regardless of what she told you as far as wanting to be single, it's her decision to make, and you can't force that issue, much as you don't like it. That's why the breakups hurt so much: we can't control them as we'd like to.

 

I don't think I'm the only one that needs time.
Regardless, that's not your call. If she needs time, she has to figure that out for herself, and "dating" isn't not being single, if you want to get technical. Going out on a date doesn't imply an instant rebound relationship.

 

Sure, I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm waiting or like my life is controlled by her feelings. But at the same time, I think I'd rather feel like that, than not know what's going on with her. She's already made tons of horrible decisions, and hasn't learned yet. I'm afraid if I let her go again, she's not even going to think anything of it and just find the next guy, and forget about me even more
So, essentially, you're willing to throw yourself into the fire for the sake of "protecting" her from her own bad decisions, and are afraid she won't think of you anymore. She'll never forget you, but she will move on. That's how breakups go, and is the reason for them. You can't MAKE her think of you, and by forcing yourself into her life in the manner you proposed, i.e. the phone call, you're going to drive her a million miles away, because you'll be PRESSURING her with all these feelings of yours that you don't know what to do with. That's not something you do to someone you love, is it, even if you think you're doing it with the best of intentions?

 

Sure, I've moved on, my days are very full of doing things to keep me busy.
No, you haven't moved on at all. The activities you do have nothing to do with moving on emotionally, which you've not done at all.

 

This may be for the better if we don't talk for a little bit, but I feel like she's not even going to remember me the day we don't talk.

 

I'm just scared I think. I don't want this to be the absolute end. I don't want her to feel like I'm finally gone so now she can do whatever she wants, even moreso.

Why are you so afraid of letting her go, and so afraid she won't remember you? She will remember you, I can promise you that. But again, you cannot hold her on a leash and dictate what YOU think should be done in her life, that's out of your hands. She chose this breakup, and while I know it hurts like hell, you can't force her to come back, or "make" her do or remember or not remember anything. But she'd have to be extremely shallow to forget a relationship she was in for so long-she won't forget.

 

I cannot handle sitting back and watching her fall for her next boyfriend. That just doesn't work
So what, exactly, would you do about it? Try to guilt her into staying with you? You cannot do that. Hard as it is, you HAVE to handle her decisions, it's her life. You've been so wrapped up in what she's doing/thinking/feeling, that you haven't moved on from this at all, and any sign that she has is a negative to you in that she may be "forgetting" about you.

 

I think the break would be the best thing for both of you. You've given yourself NO chance to heal over this, with the continued contact, and can't look at it from an impersonal point of view. Give yourself time, and do NOT call, accidentally or otherwise, don't email with a "How you doing?", nothing. Anything you say to her like what you've said here is going to be read as pressure and guilt-tripping, and you'll lose a big chance of, eventually, truly being able to be friends with her. Women who have broken up with someone understand the pain they've caused, but felt it was necessary for whatever reason, same as men breaking up with someone. You can't force your way into her life into the capacity that you'd like, I'm sorry. I would really just call, wish her a Merry Christmas, and let her know that you respect her wishes (RESPECT-large part of this....it you love someone, you respect what they've asked for, in this instance, no contact) and wish her well.

 

I sincerely hope you can get over her and start to move on with your life. It's hard, and it hurts, and you'll cry, but you will heal. The heart is an amazing thing, it can't hold onto that sort of hurt forever, and you'll get over her, I PROMISE you that. But you have to give it time, and try to enjoy things that please you. And we're here for you whenever you need us.

 

Mar

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Yeah, I understand that friends doesn't constitute as dating, which doesn't interfere with being single. But, it's just that these things involve the kissing and everything that a boyfriend would involve. I don't know either why I'm so afraid to let go again. I do know that I want to be with her though. So maybe that justifies my fear that she'll never come back, or that she'll be happy with someone else. I think I'm having trouble seeing how moving on and letting go of the person you want to be with will actually get you back together.

 

The reason she's asking for no contact is for my sake I think. I don't think she's wanting it for herself to see how she stands with me or anything like that. I guess she knows. So it's not like she's asking for it, she's suggesting it for me to move on I suppose. She still wants to talk online like we have been, so it's not really a true no contact thing, nor is it any different than what's been going on. I really enjoy having her in my life, but only as a friend is the part that I can't handle. I basically want all or nothing. Some is not good enough and too hard to live through. But nothing will be just as hard, not being able to love the one you love the most.

 

Maybe I can just not bring that issue up when she calls me. Maybe things wont even go there. All I do know is that she does have feelings for me, but wants to be single right now. So that makes it hard. I don't want to let go of all hope by cutting her loose. I don't see how that will solve anything. I'm not trying to get rid of my feelings for her. That's not what I want, because if she were to come back, then there'd be nothing there. I think we are both confused. What would make her want to come back to me?

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Alright.....you keep using the word "make", as in "make her" do this or "make her" feel that. That's what I'm trying to impress on you....you can't "make" her do or be or say or feel ANYTHING. She has to want it for herself. You can't constantly remind her of how she felt, or how you feel, or she'll never get herself sorted out either. And if she was suggesting this break for you? I think it's a great idea. If it's all or nothing for you, it'll have to be nothing right now, because you won't "make" her come back to you, and it sounds like, although she still has feelings for you, she's not willing to put time into a steady relationship with you as you want. If you push her with it, she'll lose what feelings she has, since, after a breakup, no one wants to be clung to in such a close manner.

 

You have to reconcile yourself to the fact that yes, she may not come back. This may be it. Not to sound blunt, but you have to open your eyes to the possibility, as she's trying to get you to do. There's certainly no guarantee that, when all is said and done, she'll decide that you were what she wants after all.

 

Give yourself some "alone" time to think about this, and all the possibilities, the bad and the good. Moreso the bad than the good, so you can start to deal with the fact she may not want to go out again. I'm not trying to sound negative, but you haven't really thought about this much; it seems like there's a flap in your mind that slams shut when you consider this. You have to let that flap open. You're an intelligent guy, and young yet. This will not be your last love, and most likely not the best you're ever going to have, either. (No bad intended towards your ex, I'm sure she's a great girl, I'm just trying to make a point.) But take some time for yourself, I strongly urge you to do this!

 

Mar

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I believe NO CONTACT is the only way. She will not miss you whilst your still hanging around.

 

It's the old cliche 'if you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it dosent it never was.'

 

I understand how you feel, going thru the same thing myself. It's Christmas morning, I am sitting on my computer wondering where he is and what he is doing. Wishing for the best chrissie present - him to come home, but knowing I wont hear from him today.

 

To all those in my situation - lets make the best of today, surround ourselves with family and friends who love us. We will all find inner happiness again someday.

 

Cheers.

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Wow, I guess I was saying that a lot. I guess that was just my word of choice. I wasn't meaning it in a 'twist her arm around' type of way, as it came accross. I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, either.

 

I've been thinking about it, and I I think that I want to finish up Christmas Break with being friends like we are. Maybe things will go good, but I'm definitely not expecting her to jump on my lap or anything. I just want to stick it out. Maybe I'll grow up and be strong with being just friends, I don't know. But, I think once she leaves to go back to college I'll decide what I want to do. Maybe then I'll cut contact and see how things are after a month or so, by making myself available to talk online. Love sure is a funny thing. When she broke up with me, I couldn't understand how someone could hurt someone they cared about so much. Now, although it's not exactly the same situation, here I go 'disappearing' from the person I love most, probably causing alot of worrying to go down. I guess it helps though, knowing she thinks this will help me. That will keep me strong.

 

Throughout the whole thing, I've never once thought she wouldn't be back. Either I truly think she will because of the circumstances, or I'm just afraid to swallow it because deep down I know she wont. Who knows? I've waited three months, why not a few more?

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You may or may not have read through this - if not, take a read through, if nothing else, it'll certainly take enough time reading through everyone else's trials and tribulations to get your mind a little more settled.

 

I think one of the biggest misapprehensions is that in order for someone to miss you, they need the reminder of your presense. The fact is, if their feelings and attachment ran strongly enough in the relationship - it's that support and contact, or lack thereof, that will be the first thing missed when you're not available, and the giving of it without strings that makes it SO easy to fall into the "friend zone" with someone who's unsure of their feelings or committment. That support and encouragement, the person they turn to first, if offered without strings, basically gives them a base to heal from the rest of the relationship from, and move on to just being friends - because you're supportive through it all selflessly. Now, if you only want friendship, that's great, and works well. If you don't, it can backfire - in spades.

 

So take a breath, read a while, and think about what's best for you, and what you really want to accomplish for yourself.

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Thank you, all. It seems the common advice is for no contact.

 

Is that what you're in agreeance with, Morrigan? I do believe that it is true. When they realize you're not there anymore, that's when they'll realize what's going on.

 

Should I discuss this with her? Tell her to give me some time to heal? Or should I just do it on my own, and sort of vanish?

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If you want to discuss it with her before breaking contact - just be honest and direct, that trying to be nothing more than friends when your emotions are still so involved is painful for you and tangling your feelings to where you end up pressing her when you don't want to do that, and tell her while she's working through what she wants, she needs to respect your need to heal. If she should decide she wants more from you, contact you then, but not before, since you have feelings beyond friendship for her, and you can't change them while you're staying in touch.

 

If she misses you and wants to contact you then, she knows where you stand, what to expect from you, and what not to expect, realistically. There comes a point where you have to take yourself off the emotional rollercoaster and allow her to sort out how she feels without any influence - if she comes back then, you'll know it had nothing to do with being pushed in any direction, but came from her. And if not, you'll have the space you need to be working towards feeling like a whole person again, not stuck in that hellish limbo where you're neither in a relationship, nor feel free to pursue anything else.

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Do you think that remaining friends with eachother is a bad thing? Sure, I do want to get back together, and I know she's not sure. She gives me mixed answers, like "just not right now" but other times "probably not". So, I can confidently say she doesn't know what will be going on between us. But, common sense would make me believe that if we just "can't" be together right now, that staying friends would beneift me inthe future when she decides she does want more from me. Is this safe to assume? Or is it going to backfire on me in the future, or what?

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Yes, remaining friends is a bad thing. You've already basically said that you can't comfortably remain in that role and that you essentially want to "watch over her" and "make sure she doesn't forget about you." NOT healthy reasons for remaining in a friendship.

 

Look, I KNOW you don't want this split, but you really need to let her go and stop being quite so insecure about it. What she does with this breakup (i.e. making it permanent or getting back together with you) is her decision and you can't be objective enough to let her do that in a friendship without pressuring her, albeit subtley or not so subtley, into getting back together with you, and that's just not fair to her. And don't say you CAN be objective because we know you can't....lol

 

Bottom line is that you need this break, possibly more than she does. All your goals are focused on getting back together with her, from everything I've read, and anything else is basically unacceptable to you. If she's that indecisive that she doesn't know what she'll do, then she needs it as well, to see if she wants to get back with you or not. And she needs space from you and time to miss you to do that. So let her go for now. It's really best for both of you.

 

Mar

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It's also alarmingly easy for "just good friends" to become ALL she wants, ever, if she has your emotional support getting over you. While people who START as friends often do start to feel more, it's much more of an uphill battle if you go FROM a relationship TO friends and want to go back - the incentive just isn't there, because the emotional support to make it a nice easy transition for the unsure party is being offered on a silver plate. Yes, it CAN happen, but more often than not, you'll find yourself in the position of the "best supportive pal who knows me so well I can confide everything to him," which if she starts dating someone else, will be a LIVING HELL for you. Step back, let her come to you when she's ready, and the nice little steps we go through towards someone we're attracted to fall into place MUCH more easily - and if she comes back, she'll value you more if she's seen what she's got after missing it for a while, and has to make a little effort to get it back.

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Living hell, as I have experienced indeed. I knew she liked this new guy all along, and now she's said she has. So, I'm thinking if things between them pick up when she goes back to college, then I'll cut it, because it's simply too hard to hear things like that, as you said, among others. Although that would completely contradict the "being single" part, but hey, whatever. I guess then what it's going to come down to is whether or not I treated her better than this guy, or that I am what she's looking for. Which, I don't really have too many worries about that, except for some of my own issues, which, I am in fact in therapy for, and loving it too. As of right now, after reading both of yours advice from yesterday, I'm feeling pretty good about being just friends. But, I agree completely with you, Morrigan, in that, right now I am totally there for her, even being only a friend, so why sould she need more from me? So, I guess things will have to be taken a day at a time. I almost feel bad about kind of planning this no contact thing, but, I'm really enjoying being able to be friends right now. Sort of a 'take what you can get' type of thing. Or if what's going on with her is too much too handle, I will certainly cut it then, too.

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Hey man,

 

Hang in there i am in the same situation as you, it has also been 3 months. She broke up with me for the exact same reason. I was devestated. Altho i wish i could tell you how to deal with this i just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

 

The difference between you and me is that my ex actually started dating someone after saying she wanted to be single, a friend of ours! For some reason i would still drop everything and take her back if she told me that she wanted to be with me, but only if she was ready to commit and we were both actually ready to try again.

 

What i'm trying to say is, i think that our exs are trying to discover themselves as individuals. You can expect your ex to start dating someone and i know it hurts like hell to see that but maybe she needs experience in life? My ex and i were each others first love and we've been through so much together. We've had so many happy memories together i'm in almost certain she wont forget that so easily. At the moment i try to avoid my ex and my friend (who shes daiting atm) but when i see them i try to be cival, i say hello we make small talk. otherwise i try to avoid contact with them. I like think its a rebound realtionship since she jumped into another realtionship so soon and i dont know how long it will last, its not really my concern anymore is her life she chose her path for now.

 

She knew how i felt about her but i dont know about now, we both need time apart. Even through all this i would still want to try aagin in the future, but i know for sure that if she was to come back next week or even next month, there will be problems. So seriously i think its best for us to try move on and try to get over most of the pain before we try again in the future. You can check my previous posts if your intrested about my story.

 

But just like you i am scared to death that she will find someone else and be happy with them without even giving us a second chance, but i try to tell myself that after some time i may actually not want her back and could find someone else i can love better. I can't see that happening for myself at the moment but hey i believe its possible. Just hang in there buddy.

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I definitely agree that those are wrong reasons to stay around. And, I really am not staying around just for those reasons, although it sounds like it...I really enjoy talking about my day to someone, or getting homework help from somebody. She's so fun to be around, such a cool person. A good friend. Really, I like her friendship, and there's the fact that I've always considered her my best female friend. It's hard to lose two-in-one, you know?

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Thanks a lot, eratrya. Yep, I completely understand her wanting to experience life and everything, I just have trouble understanding the "why" to that, and really what that means exactly. I don't have much experience either, but I didn't ever once question my love for her or even being together. Maybe I love too much? I'm not sure. And maybe we will find someone new someday, it's hard to say. I'm almost scared to find someone new and be with them, because I wouldn't want to hurt my ex like that. I'm such a romanticist.

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itsme915,

 

Yes yes and yes, i am totally like you, we were madly in love, she was my best friend and i never once questioned my love for her and neither did she. When she broke the news to me about dating my friend my other friends told me she said she had lost one of the best friends shes ever had and she was so upset.

 

People change, its horrible and i can't believe that she could change so much to cause me so much pain. But i love her so much that i can forgive her for everything so long as she was geuinley sorry or realised. Atm i can't see myself being with anyone else either, but since its been 3 months its becoming eayier to accept the facts. I really do still want to try again in the future. I just hope things work out for the both of us.

 

I hope that after time she may realise what we had were special and as long as she still remembers the happy memories we had she may come round. I just depends on the person we can't control how they will think, maybe we can influence it but ultimatley its down to them. I'm not waiting for her to return tho.

 

For now, just enjoy yourself and try to rebuild your life so our next realtionship with whoever that may be will be a much better one.

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Remember as well, there's nothing stopping you from determining what's comfortable for you - if you want to take a break, and feel you've healed enough to accept her as only a friend, no thoughts getting in the way and bringing you down, you're free to do that as well. It's a case of what's best for you - just sounds like you could use a break to treat yourself well for a bit and feel more balanced about her - and then consider how you feel about being only friends. You still like her as a person enough to stay friends after that - you should have a bit more of a comfort zone by then, and not be as brought down if something gets mentioned about another guy, or something else in her life right now it would hurt you to hear.

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