she asked for divorce.. and now for a hug.. r women so crazy????

[allesnordnung]

history

 

I am married since 4 years since I was 27 y old, and we live together. We have no kids. she is 7 yrs younger than me, and we both have not had any relation before. many problems occurred during our marriage: sex (she has absolutely low sex drive!! in contrary to me), respect (she shouts on me,speaks loudly sometimes, I don't do the same.. believe me!), ..etc.

 

I loved her.. but in the last year, i feel myself away from her. she starts to be the best friend of her sister who is just 17 yrs old. they plan many things together.. camping outside.. Cinema.. etc.

 

in last month.. our relation decreased too too much... she knows that.. and the only thing she can do is to be sad, and cry sometimes!!

 

sex .. attraction.. bed stuff.. beauty, dressing up.. are the last thing she thinks about. she is still student at the univ. and I am the money source of the house and working till 6-7 pm.

 

I don't feel that I am treated with respect from her... she believes that I am not helping her at home, but even she is not caring about cleaning the home.

 

I felt hopeless of this relation!! so I "thought about divorce"..

 

The situation

last week I stopped talking her until now. she came to me before yesterday, and she said that she can't stand this life, and she wants divorce when I finish my business trips ( this month i am v busy at work and afterwards I have a couple of bus. trips).. she said also "I hate you from the bottom of my heart".

 

now she is like crazy, because I haven't hugged her for almost 10 days (I used to hug and kiss her daily)... she likes cuddle as much as I like sex!!!

 

I am now sexually overcharges, but don't ask her for!

 

today, she is asking me for a hug.. but .. how it comes?? asking for divorce and now for a hug...????

 

I refused!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Do you want to stay married? I think that is your first question. If you want to stay married, then i think the answer now is to find a marriage counselor and go until you both can make that decision and decide to stay or leave.

 

She is probably very conflicted... lots of people think they want to leave, then when they start thinking about it, they change their minds, or start to feel very sad remembering the good times, and wonder if they made the right decision.

 

So perhaps she said she wanted a divorce when she was mad at you, and now that she is calmed down she is thinking maybe she doesn't.

 

Try sitting down and talking to her and get some marriage counseling. Women frequently stop wanting sex entirely when they have lots of angry feelings towards the spouse. If you can resolve problems out of bed, sometimes the problems related to sex go away when the emotional intimacy returns.

[allesnordnung]

Women frequently stop wanting sex entirely when they have lots of angry feelings towards the spouse. If you can resolve problems out of bed, sometimes the problems related to sex go away when the emotional intimacy returns.

 

for her sex is not interesting since we got married, and even in our best lovely days!!

[Whiskers]

Having read your post I feel that maybe I might be able to offer somewhat of an insight to your problem, though I don't pretend to be an expert or in any way perfect when it comes to relationships.

From what you've said, I'd say that it's all but clear the marriage is over and the fact that she has said it outright to you, suggests that she wants it that way.

I believe in refusing that cuddle, you were most probably right. You must feel as if you are getting mixed signals all the time and I know how this can hurt.

The fact that she is spending a lot of time with her sister doing activities that take her out and away, is most likely because of the situation at home and more likely to be a cowardly way of saying "I don't want to be around you"

Perhaps someone should make it clear that the problem won't go away if it's simply ignored - nor can it get better.

The question is, does she want the divorce or not? If no, then maybe it wouldn't hurt to arrange something together...some time together? Perhaps doing something romantic, concentrating on each other and making an effort to give to one another.

If she says she wants out, then maybe you'll have to make it clear that there should be no playing around. Start the ball rolling, make it clear that you're are not there to comfort her because you have your own needs and worries to consider and living in limbo is a sure way to both hurt each other further and become resentful.

So sit down and consider the question. Talk about whats not working and what is, then ask yourselves if it can be mended.

My heart goes out to you, I can imagine the hold this has on your heart and the weight on your mind.

I do hope you get your answers.

XX

[lonelygemini]

IA with BeStrongBeHappy. Get counseling! Also, while you’re in counseling, maybe you can figure out the sexual issues. If your wife truly doesn’t have a low sex drive (which is isn't common), maybe there’s something about sex that’s turning her off. But, all that can be sorted in counseling.

[allesnordnung]

Thanks a lot for ur answer,

 

When she thinks about divorce.. verily she worries about missing comfort and money:

 

We are living in a beautiful big flat, directly in front of a beautiful lake.. in a very nice area, in which many are wishing to live.. I pay the rent and ALL costs, as I work and earn good money (but still hard to save, as i support my parents). she is working but I don't ask her to pay anything, she is enjoying her life with her own money. she is learning riding horses and paying a lot of money for that, in time I wouldn't pay it for myself!!

 

she even has birds, and occupying one room for her birds and her computer and other stuff, which made me not to get the idea of having my own office at home ( I even don't need it)

 

All marriage costs (over 20,000 USD), i paid it with pleasure. our wedding party was really really wonderful. Her friends are talking till now.. sometimes about how nice was it!!

she is going with her sister to a riding-camping place somewhere in Germany (300 km from where we live) for one week and paying for that about 1000 USD, and I am against that, as her outdoor activities with her sister starts to be exaggerated and not fitting to a married woman.

 

i love kids and wish to have one, and since 4 years she is telling me that " I am not yet feeling ready for a baby", or " our relation is not fitting for having kids". But she is right from that sense, as if we divorce, it wont be that big problem if we have no kids.

[Whiskers]

You carry too much of the weight in the relationship, I hear no hint of compromise and I have always heard that marriage is supposed to need compromise.

If you're not happy and she isn't willing to do something about it (and I think it can safely be said that she wouldn't say save the marriage for love) then you shouldn't worry about her costs and her lifestyle. You have a right, as much as she, to be happy and be made happy.

Nothing in life is worth suffering long term for, if you need more or you need better, go get it.

Start thinking of yourself, you don't seem to do it often enough.

I know woman can be just as selfish as men, but what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

[allesnordnung]

You carry too much of the weight in the relationship, I hear no hint of compromise and I have always heard that marriage is supposed to need compromise.

If you're not happy and she isn't willing to do something about it (and I think it can safely be said that she wouldn't say save the marriage for love) then you shouldn't worry about her costs and her lifestyle. You have a right, as much as she, to be happy and be made happy.

Nothing in life is worth suffering long term for, if you need more or you need better, go get it.

Start thinking of yourself, you don't seem to do it often enough.

I know woman can be just as selfish as men, but what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

 

well i am not looking for her compromise as she cannot help in money stuff. i only want LOVE & RESPECT, and maybe a kid.. thats all what i need from her.. not to behave as a teenager in feeling having no responsibility...

 

 

Her father told me once, she will wake up after u leave her (after some problems in the past), since

[Whiskers]

It shouldn't have to come to that, but you could suggest a trial separation and see if it does wake her up.

Do you love her? I mean the "ever after" love.

Have you tried to sit down and talk to her about it? Telling her that you aren't asking for anything more than to be treated like a loved one, not a stranger?

Maybe all she needs is a little freedom to expand, that might be what she's getting by disappearing with her sister. Not that it's the right way to go about it.

It's possible, remembering that she is after all 7 years younger and a student, that she's craving the freedom her friends and fellow learners have.

As for compromise, I meant in the love and respect side. You're shouldering the financial responsibility, you don't have a problem with it but it's tough when it feels like you're supporting a stranger. Whatever it is she wants, freedom or whatever, she has to remember that you're there making it possible and where you're filling her needs, you have some of your own.

Perhaps she needs reminded that all you really want from her is to know you matter, that for as much as you give, you need a little to come back.

I'm sorry if this isn't being helpful, I'm one of those people who wish they could change the small things you know? Not wanting to change world hunger (on my own that is) but not wanting to see people suffer.

XX

[xfact]

Money is very tempting for some people.

It can buy a girlfriend, it can buy a wife, it can buy some sex...

But it can't buy love.

Anyway, it seems to me more a relationship of father and daughter.

If you treat her like a child she will behave like one.

And I have got the feeling that you think that she has to give you a child.

Why??

[allesnordnung]

Money is very tempting for some people.

It can buy a girlfriend, it can buy a wife, it can buy some sex...

But it can't buy love.

Anyway, it seems to me more a relationship of father and daughter.

If you treat her like a child she will behave like one.

And I have got the feeling that you think that she has to give you a child.

Why??

 

did you read the thread correctly? what are you talking about??

[allesnordnung]

Thanks a lot for your answer and caring!

 

a trial separation is a good idea i did not think about.. I think this would be helpful in healing things up and she might (as me as well) think deeply about the relation without the effect of the partner, so that one get the chance to decide the right thing.

 

I still love her a lot. and i try always to make her feel that i am with here if she got trouble or have a problem. and to be honest, I don't like to be separated, but the situation is not healthy, not for her nor for me.

 

she is almost 26 years old.