A little vent I guess...and a question too

[SupaflyTNT]

Okay, so I was talking to the girl for awhile and we basically got pretty heavy in a short period of time (talked for two months on the phone due to distance issues and then got heavy within a week of seeing each other). She had just gotten out of an abusive relationship that she told me she was very over. Anyways, she became incredibly flaky on me and when we talked about it I got this line: "I'm not ready for a relationship right now, but I would really want to be with you if I could because you're the greatest guy I've met in a long time." Probably BS because you can't control attraction, right? So regardless, I told her I wanted a relationship with her and I couldn't change that. She still wanted to hang out and we tried one more time, but when the time came I could tell she was making excuses in case she decided not to actually go through with the date or whatever it was. The date never happened and I haven't spoken to her in almost three weeks.

 

Now when I met her she asked me to join myspace and she's the only friend I have on my page currently. I've noticed that she keeps checking my profile and I can't for the life of me figure out why. We haven't spoken in three weeks! What possible reason could she have for keeping tabs on me?

 

I should probably just stop using myspace so I can forget about this girl. Maybe I just need a bunch of you enotaloners to smack me a bit. Man, I really liked this girl too. *sigh*

[elizmdavis]

Leaving an abusive relationship is a personal triumph, yet you leave feeling pretty bad about yourself and the world because you have lived in negativity for so long. It is commendable that you want to wash this perspective from her mind and show her what a real man can do. She must be ready to hear and feel this though. When a person has been abused (mentally/physically) they may have some personal things to work through before they feel ready to try relationships again.

 

Give her space, give her time. Do not forget about yourself in the meantime. If you want to stay in touch with her (and she seems open to it), maybe say encouraging words like "You are strong!" or "I bet you're life will get better and better from here."

 

If she is not responding then she must want to be left alone, and so be it.

 

I hope this helps

[SupaflyTNT]

Hearing someone else's perspective right now helps a lot. Everyone I talk to about this seems to think she'll contact me at some point in the future. What I'm struggling with is whether or not I should keep in touch with her or just leave her be. To tell you the truth I'm not sure if she'll contact me unless I do it first and then I ask myself if I want to deal with someone that won't talk to me for three weeks despite what she says to the contrary about her 'feelings' for me. Argh! ](*,)

 

Oh, and what's up with this myspace thing? Is she just keeping tabs on me or what?

[SupaflyTNT]

Hey, I don't bite folks, lol. Any other constructive criticism or helpful advice would be much appreciated.

[annie24]

if it weren't for the abuse issue, i'd say that she's 'just not that into you.' however, she's recently gotten out of the relationship, even if she doesn't want him back anymore, there are probably still scars there from the abusive relationship that she probably hasn't dealt with completely yet. she told you herself that she's not ready for a relationship.

 

i would be her friend, if you can. let her initiate for the most part. you can send her a 'hi - how's it going?' email from time to time. but, i'd recommend you don't wait around for this one, it's impossible to know when she will be ready to date. is she in therapy? i hope so. keep meeting other women, don't fixate on this one girl. if it's meant to be, it will happen.

 

good luck - i hope it works out for you.

[Brightest Dark]

I think if someone checks someone else's page on myspace a lot it usually is because they are interested. That said, how do you know it's just her that is looking on your page? If you are on her friends list then friends of hers or others that go on her page maybe look through her friends list and then click to go to your page to look at you. Also you come up when people browse so maybe random people are just browsing the site and your profile is coming up.

[SupaflyTNT]

Yeah, well I'm just not sure because she's one of those people that has hundreds of friends on her page (people she doesn't really know) so I doubt those people are randomly picking my page to visit. Plus, I have my stuff set so only friends can view it. I'm not sure if it registers a view if someone tries to view it but can't. Oh, and the only time my profile registers a hit is after she has logged on (she didn't log on for a several days because she went out of town and I never got a hit until she returned and logged on).

 

Anyway, I appreciate the respones and I'm just not sure if it would be the best thing to contact this girl. The problem is I can't seem to get her out of my head. If I have oneitis right now then this is the first time I've experienced it and I don't know how to get rid of it. I haven't talked to her or seen her in some time and I've been dating since, but I keep comparing other dates to her and they keep falling short. GAH!

 

I think my problem may be that I'm not busy right now. I don't start work until July 1st and everyone I know is busy during the week so I end up sitting around bored just thinking about this girl. Although I thought if I dated again I would forget about her...no dice. And now I'm ranting.

 

I just don't know if it's a good idea to talk to her or not. I obviously can't be friends with her because I have this extreme attraction to her but maybe some emails can't hurt. I have no intentions of making plans to see her. Man, she became so impusive and inconsiderate though, and then she gave me that stupid line. It seems so obvious. Am I just making any excuse to contact her?

 

HELP! Slap me!

[annie24]

oh, there are plenty of things to do. do a complete spring (summer) cleaning of your house, give away your unwanted stuff to goodwill. check out some books from the library. start learning a foreign language. go on a 'tourist tour' of your town and go check out all the cheezy tourist sites you've never gone to. go on a road trip and visit your family. anything other than checking her myspace!

[SupaflyTNT]

Lol, you're going to laugh at me right now but I've done most of that stuff to stay busy. I've cleaned and packed my entire house because I'm moving. I've given all my stuff away that I don't need anymore. My family is out of town on vacation for the past two weeks (I couldn't go due to work starting soon). I've been going downtown just to check stuff out that I've never done before, which lasts for a few hours and is a good distraction. I've actually been brushing up on my spanish but it's hard to study anything at this point to be honest. Trust me, I've been trying to keep busy but I'm sort of a night person (comes with being on so much call, I guess) and when I'm sitting there at night, unable to sleep...

 

This is SO unusual for me. I'm usually so in control of myself and my feelings. It's good to just write this stuff down I guess. I just need to get control of myself and this situation somehow again and I'm grateful for the good advice. Pretty sure once work starts I won't have any time to think about this anymore, it's just two weeks away.

[annie24]

go to mexico for a week alone or something. just go and have fun. find some last minute deal on link removed for a resort somewhere.

[SupaflyTNT]

Oh, I would so go to Cali and visit friends right this very second but I have to be here to move and orientation starts in a few days. Unfortunately, no trips for me. I'm just going to wait this out and start work. If she really wanted to talk to or see me then she would call me or email or whatever. I have to stop reading into all this BS like a child and accept the facts right in front of my face. Some days I'm just not very objective and I come on here and rant my head off.

 

God, this site is a life saver though, thanks to all of you.

[SupaflyTNT]

Wondering if anyone else has experienced a situation like this and how they went about resolving it. How did it work out?

[SupaflyTNT]

Just bumping my thread a bit.

 

By asking if anyone has been through this I mean has anyone dealt with a girl like this (getting out of abusive relationship, being flaky and such). Was it a good idea to keep in contact or no? Is it best to just let this one go or remain in casual contact? I keep figuring that if she wanted to talk to me at all then she would be calling me, I guess.

[ImThatGirl]

Question: Are you used to mostly being able to date the girls you choose?

 

If so, could it be that is why she is on your mind so much?

 

As far as contacting her.... If anything - send her a hello here and there. Maybe if she becomes interested in a relationship, she will let you know? Don't pressure her too much - if she's just out of an abusive relationship, she probably needs much time to do her own thing and enjoy life.

[SupaflyTNT]

I've never dated a girl that hasn't approached me now that you ask me that. I've certainly talked to other girls, but even this girl approached me when I met her in Vegas. I think she's on my mind so much because she's the most beautiful and outgoing girl I've ever had interest in and she seemed to reciprocate. In my mind we clicked immediately and I've never had that happen before. Our convos were very flirty and she we wanted to know everything about each other.

 

It just felt like everything changed as soon as she moved out of her ex bf's house and came home. We had a wonderful night together and then she just started becoming very flaky with me. She wanted to hang out with her long lost friends more than me and it seemed like she just used me to have someone to lean on while in a tough situation. Since the last time she flaked on me I haven't called her and she seems fine with not speaking to me again. She said that she just needed time to do what she wanted to do and she felt like she was being unfair to me because she couldn't devote the time to me that I deserved.

 

I just feel like she is so outgoing that if she wanted me to keep in contact then she would have let me know. I guess I'm shocked really and I don't know what to think about her.

[annie24]

how far away from her do you live?

[SupaflyTNT]

She moved back to MI into her parents house about a month ago, I live maybe 20 miles from her. She occasionally comes to my side of town because I live in an area populated entirely by young professionals and the downtown area is geared toward that. She's been trying to get back into the swing of working (she hasn't done so for a year) and making money to go to nursing school. There are things she needs to do for herself but if she wanted to see me she could do that too.

 

I really do feel stupid posting about this and I feel like this is serious oneitis, but I can't help the way I'm feeling right now. GAH!

[ImThatGirl]

The thing is Supa, even though to you it seems that she can make time for a relationship or dating as well, she's probably doing you a favor by being completely honest and telling you that she's just not ready and has too many other priority's. Maybe further down the line, she will be ready to date.

 

When was the last time you talked to her? And the last time she contacted you?

[SupaflyTNT]

She called me three weeks ago because we were supposed to meet up that night (this is after our convo about our situation). She started telling me how tired she was and how she hadn't moved off the couch and blah, blah, blah. Being as flaky as she was I told her that if she wasn't feeling up to it that night we could do it another time and I would call my friends and do something with them (it was friday night and I was NOT going to sit on my butt while she flaked on me again). She said I should call my friends and she would call me if she was coming out. Never called. I never called her after that.

[annie24]

so, no contact in 3 weeks? if i may ask, what's the attraction for her? it seems to me like she's got her life in shambles, is flakey, doesn't call you, etc..... you seem like a smart young guy with a lot going for you, so why focus in on her? are you one of those types who likes to 'rescue the wounded birds?' i think that girls like me (who for the most part, have our act together) wonder why guys like you are obsessed with the girls like her.

[ImThatGirl]

 

Supa, don't do this to yourself.

 

You are fascinated by an image you have of her from Las Vegas. And holding onto that.

 

Sometimes people are a little more tightly wound than others (wound... is that a word?) Maybe she was able to let go and enjoy time in Vegas but now that she's back home - just moved back to her hometown, trying to get into school, etc... She doesn't have the desire to be in a relationship.

 

Have you seen What Happens in Vegas?

 

Oh yeah - wanted to tell you too -

Myspace - If you're page is set to private, the view count only goes up when your friends view your page. Maybe she's trying to stay in the know of what's going on in your life...

[SupaflyTNT]

Annie, I don't know why her. She was very much what I wanted in a woman, obviously before all this started happening, and I let myself get attached somehow. And you're right, I have tons going for me but with everything usually going on in my life I don't have a lot of time to meet women so when I do meet someone I like, I tend to go for it (maybe too much?).

 

ITG, so you think it's best that I just forget about her?

 

Oh, I just wanted to say that I'm normally not like this, I don't usually do this to myself. I have no idea why I'm so hung up on this girl, but I am.

[ImThatGirl]

I think that you should find a way to stop thinking about her and wishing for more right now.

 

If it should happen in the future then great.

 

I also think that maybe you should see about more opportunity's to meet people? This girl seems so great and maybe she is great but she's emotionally unavailable right now it seems.

 

How much time did you guys spend together in all? Not enough time to get to know her. In some ways, maybe she is everything you've ever imagined wanting.

[SupaflyTNT]

I do realize that since she's been back, and after that first night, she hasn't done much that I've found likeable. Well, I start work tomorrow and I probably won't have much time to think about this once that happens. So I guess I'll just leave things as they are, no contacting. The reason I haven't contacted her yet is because I keep telling myself these things over and over, why do I want someone like her in my life? And I know I don't, so why am I hung up on her? I think you probably hit it on the head ITG.

[SupaflyTNT]

So I think I might know why I'm hung up on this. I thought I really liked this girl, and I did for a time, and I thought she reciprocated. Then something happened that changed her mind and she gave me her reasons, which I only saw as her just trying to let me down easy perhaps?

 

I personally thought we could have been great together (and she told me the same thing many, many times) and I'm of the frame of mind that if I see someone I'm interested in dating then nothing will stop me from making time for them. I'll cut back on time with other people to MAKE time for them. So what I'm saying is that I might be incapable of understanding her reasons and I'm looking for something wrong with ME. Though there is probably nothing wrong with me other than the above.