HELP! After 4 long months....I hear from HER....

[stickman]

WOW...

 

I never begged. Never asked her for anything. Sent some light cards to her....a mothers day card....birthday card...Then 4 months later on my birthday I hear from her via text message.

 

I prayed for this day....I asked God to help me get over her or get her back.....now what? I let her go with love. I stayed busy....wrote a journal...dated other woman....did all the right stuff to get myself over her.....and now I think she wants back in my life.

 

Her heart says she loves me...her mind says we will only hurt each other. I told her that I cant go back to the way it was. Only what it could be. She says that it was never what she wanted it to be.

 

This instant messaging went on for what seemed like hours. She cried and could barely type! I am stunned. Part of me wants to tell her to jump in a lake (That is about as tame as one could explain it!)....another part wants her back.......another part wants to move on to greener pastures!

 

Think with the head not the heart.

 

Never say never......now what??

[i_win]

Unfortunately the odds for you two are not in your favor. I don't think 4 months has been long enough for any permanent self growth to have taken place and you two will mostly fall right back into your old broken relationship and habits.

 

I do think people can reconcile and get back together but that is only after both people's maturity and attitude towards a relationship has taken place.

 

The fact that you are still resentful and bitter is also a bad indication that moving back into a relationship with her could lead to disaster.

 

I'd say at the very least you two need more time apart. Maybe keep LC for another year or so and if you two want to try it again then give it a shot.

[stickman]

Yes. Great point. Bitterness. No. I know I should not have written that part. It was a knee jerk reaction. I truly dont resent her.

 

But you are correct. Old habits and communication styles have popped back up. I must think long and hard about this one.

 

Any and all feedback are appreciated. Thanks all!!

[EQD]

I think you never got over her. i think you do feel bitter towards her, and there are resentful feelings. now you want to take it back but you can't. i think you wrote that in earnest. free of any revision your mind could put forth. i am pretty sure that was raw and true. deep down you know that, and you dont want to feel that way. because it would make reconciliation with her alot more bright if it werent true.. but be honest with yourself. because lies and cover-ups wont do you any favors.

[CaptainNapalm]

I would give it another shot if I were you. Point is that even if it doesn't work out it won't be as devastating for you as it was the first time and you will get over it in no time. Why not try another approach on the relationship and try to work out your problems. If it doesn't work then leave.

[riley123]

 

...I told her that I cant go back to the way it was. Only what it could be. She says that it was never what she wanted it to be...

 

...Part of me wants to tell her to jump in a lake (That is about as tame as one could explain it!)...

 

...Think with the head not the heart

 

 

I've selected a few quotes from you that seem to tell another story...about not wanting her back.

 

Ask yourself: Do I truly miss her? Or do I miss the person that I wanted her to be?

 

I'd tread lightly. It sounds like you made a lot of personal progress after this person hurt you. Are you willing to sacrifice all of that?

[Mustang]

I think the most important thing any two people should do when getting back together is to make sure that the reasons for splitting no longer exist and also that there is no resentment about it.

 

Things might be OK for a bit and then one day during an argument, the original break up will be brought up and you'll be back to square one.

[BrokenDuc]

if you still want her back i think you should take a chance... is this not the getting back together forum and also is this not the end goal of NC anyways...

 

going to need some give and take from both sides here in order for there to be any developments, if you are too stubborn you wont get anywhere...

 

my recent break up was partly because of my stubbornness, hard lesson learned i tell you...

[cr44hill]

I vote for giving it another try but give it until after the weekend to decide so you can do some deep soul searching. I think you will regret it if you don't.

[stickman]

Thanks for the feedback from all.

 

Her communication to me focused on her anger about feeling it was my fault for not listening to her, validating her....and her anger about not getting through to me, her anger for the loss of me as her best friend. All this anger and resentment finally unleashed......like a volcano.

 

wow....She told me that she still gets sick everyday....She thought maybe someday we would get married.....how she felt that I made her feel like it was all temporary and there was no us....how I did not do the little things (even though i tried...by telling her I love her...hugging her...making her laugh....)....how she can't even think about being with another man....all these things I never knew.

 

How could there be a future until she let go and resolved her past? She was not even divorced yet! Yes, I was frustrated BUT understood that the kids, and her mom came first. I ws ok with that. Really. But I felt like a border....a roomate.....

 

BUT...I did not defend my self and tell her these things. Rather, I agreed with her frustrations and told I knew it must be painful her to think about how inconsiderate I was. I told her that she did deserve better. Especially if she believed that I could never meet her expectations, that I have not grown enough as a person, I am too immature to ever change, or that I can't vaildate her feelings.

 

I wrote her that I do treasure all the great experiences and firsts that we had together when we were on track. Change takes time and action.I could only hope to grow from my mistakes.

 

I told her lastly that I know exactly how she feels......"I lost my best friend too."

 

"I wish I knew what she needed from me to show her that I am sorry for hurting her......that I admire the beautiful woman on the outside and inside that taught me and showed me so much about the world and myself......... Oh how I wish I knew what she needed from me to show her that I love her."

 

This is unreal. She is in Tennessee and I am in Pennsylvania. My family is in PA....my land.....my kids.....I love her, I miss her friendship.....I just want to be able to talk with her once more....and see what happens. I am not scared. And if she never responds back....I am no worse off thn when she first texted me.

 

I have made peace with our breaking up with me....and let her go with love....I thought maybe someday we could make it work. But never thought she would express regret.....anger.....frustration....

 

I am happy with me......I wish she was happy again. But at least she is expressing herself and NOT holding it in. I really think this is a giant step in HER heeling. There could never be a future until you resolve and make peace with the past.....

[stickman]

AND....To make sure that we are clear here. I am NOT bitter or angry at all. Shocked at first. I am concerned for her....and only wonder what I should do for me first and her. I need to be totally ok with my heart and my mind first as cr44hill indicated. Good point.

 

I am not stubborn, I have no resentments. Only concern....apprehension.