saintboon Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 What does it mean when she keeps finding excuses to contact me at least once a week via either AIM or phone call? Most likely... Is she confused? Missing me? Wants me back? Or is she completely over me and wants me as a friend, but is oblivious to my feelings (aka a nightmarish situation)? Very emotionally restrained person (doesn't like to reveal her feelings usually). I'd appreciate any insight from girls, as to why she would keep breaking my NC. I agreed to try to be friends right after the breakup, but also told her how much it hurt me to talk to her... Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Why not just ask her? Say you enjoy the communication, but wondering what her motives are. How long ago did you break up? Link to comment
zzeitgeist Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Might just be keeping you on the backburner incase the other relationship/fling (if there is one..) backfires or she might just enjoy your emotional support. Link to comment
saintboon Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 Broke up two months ago. She wasn't "ready" for a relationship, whatever that means. I made it clear to her, how I felt. That it brought back all the pain when I talked to her. She isn't dating anyone else, I'm pretty sure. We're going to be on opposite sides of the country until next fall, so I'm in not rush to pressure her into giving me an immediate answer, since one thing I do glean is that she might not know what the hell she wants. Link to comment
i_win Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Yep, just there stringing you along and keeping you around and keeping tabs on you for emotional support and as a plan B if she changes her mind about not wanting to be with you. I don't know the circumstances of the breakup but chances are she is going to keep you around until she can latch onto something else and then she'll drop you and you'll hurt even worse. Link to comment
zzeitgeist Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Have you tried ignoring these calls and seeing what happens? Link to comment
Aviatormy Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Tell her that you do not want just a friendship and if she wants anything to do with you from now on it has to be in a relationship. Tell her to stop calling you or trying to contact you unless she is ready to commit. If you lay it all out on the line then you will either get her back or she will have to respect you and not call anymore. If she continues to keep contacting you then change your phone number and forget hers. Good luck Link to comment
saintboon Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 No, I haven't. I don't like to play games, to be honest. She called once and left a message about wanting to "catch up." She called me again later that night and we talked for like 20 min. Every other time she IMs me with some question and I give her an answer. Then, she starts a convo which lasts until I usually sign off. I don't initiate contact with her, just because I don't want to hurt. I don't want to go back into as serious a relationship as we had before, since I have things going on in my own life. I'm not even sure exactly what I want right now either, except for the fact that I'm incredibly lonely, so I've been letting her contact me. Link to comment
saintboon Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 And I've had experience with this kind of situation only once before, and I didn't rush it then. I kind of let us ease back into contact for a little while before I put her on the spot. That said, I appreciate the insight. It seems very pessimistic, more or less though, which is very disheartening. Link to comment
i_win Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 It's not playing a game. You two broke up. You have no reason to be talking to eachother for any reason. Link to comment
saintboon Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 The problem is, I told her I was willing to try to be friends before I left. That said, I also went into NC for like three weeks right after I said that. I think I'm going be friendly for at least another month, and let her try to figure her life out. Due to the distance between us, rushing into putting her on the spot would probably do more harm then good. I was hoping there might be any girls out there who could provide insight as well. Again thanks to those who have chimed in already. Link to comment
looloolola Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Well I kept a guy who wanted to be with me as a friend once because I wasn't sure if I didn't want to be with him, I thought what if I should be with him then I want to keep him around incase. It sounds bad but its actually a good thing because at the time I was confused about what I wanted, but I actually did end up with him. Link to comment
saintboon Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 Thanks, you're actually around the same age as her, so I think that may be what is happening here. That's why I don't want to put her on the spot yet. I think she needs her space to think about things. She probably misses me (I was her first lover, relationship, etc., and we weren't friends first - the relationship was based on physicality and evolved in a strong emotional connection), but she may not know in what facet yet. Since we can't see each other till the fall, putting her on the spot now would probably only push her away. That said, I know I need to be able to move on, which I'm doing. But every time she contacts me it reminds me of her and makes me think about things again, which is stressful. Link to comment
RedWingsFan Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 All too similar, saintboon! I've been broken up 2 weeks now, and she has initiated contact with me via AIM. Like you, I've kept the conversations short, uplifting, and no mentioning of the relationship. She is young and may just need to figure things out. But I will tell you that it sucks to be an emotional crutch. You will work hard for a long time to keep your emotions in check - don't get your hope up too much, don't dwell too much, but still go on with your life. Doing these all at once is difficult. I've thought about sending an e-mail saying "I can't do the casual conversations. It hurts me too much, even though you're confused about "us." Either we leave each other alone, for good, or get back together." But at what point do you do this? It can't be a time factor...everyone's emotions are different. What about if the dumper has stopped contacting you? Ambiguous break ups suck. Link to comment
saintboon Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 Those are the same things that I'm having to think about. The big "When." I figure I'm going to let things go on as they are for at least another month, but I'm certainly going to ask her what her intentions are before we go back to school. My biggest problem is that I don't know if I even want her back. I do, but I'm not sure if that is simply a reaction to my loneliness or if it's a measure of true feelings. I'm trying to figure that out now, but when she contacts me, it makes it hard for me to get distance. I'm going to put up with this for a while, and try to keep healing myself in the process as best I can. I can only hope and have faith for the best. I've considered saying those same things dozens of times (its been two months for me), but I feel like, with this given girl, that it isn't the right time. Then again, your email does raise some valid points. I may need to say something along those lines... Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Do you want a friendship out of this? Sometimes to have a friendship with an ex, one must endure the casual conversations, the small talk, etc. If you push too much, you can chase the ex away. Have to build up some trust again, baby steps. Link to comment
saintboon Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 I don't actually know what I want yet. Our whole relationship was based on the physical side for some time, but we did build a strong bond so I don't know how well I could handle being friends and watching her date another guy. She is a girl I would marry 5 or 6 years from now, but right now I don't know what to do. Link to comment
Priphea Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Broke up two months ago. She wasn't "ready" for a relationship, whatever that means. I made it clear to her, how I felt. That it brought back all the pain when I talked to her. She isn't dating anyone else, I'm pretty sure. We're going to be on opposite sides of the country until next fall, so I'm in not rush to pressure her into giving me an immediate answer, since one thing I do glean is that she might not know what the hell she wants. I have the same problem with my ex, and well, insecurity just isn't going to help. Either she wants to be with me, or she'll figure out she wants to be with me later. I went on NC about a week ago, and while it's hard, I feel a lot better about it. Leaving someone hanging on a string is immature and unfair. It's better for you to hold to what you know you want and hope that eventually what she wants coincides with that. That's what I'm doing. I've only got the slightest bit of hope left, though. I imagine my ex is not going to fight for us. Link to comment
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