HELP!! I'm Pregnant and He Hates Me!

[nagol818]

WOW my situation is overwhelming to me. I don't know what to do.

 

I could just use some advice for me and the guy involved. I thought it might be good for both of us if we could get some impartial information from anyone out there that has something to say about this situation. I plan on showing him this.

 

Here's my story:

 

I had been dating a guy for a year until very recently. I loved him so much and I still do. We had some major problems though in our relationship and we both knew it. We would talk about working on them but we just never seemed to get them settled. My problems with him were his temper and insecurity. His problems with me were my inability to communicate and my temper. To both of us these weren't unusual problems that needed to be worked on. We just couldn't figure out HOW to work on them. Frankly we needed counseling so someone could teach us how to work through these issues. He said that that should be telling us something if we have to see a counselor and we've only been going out for a year. At this point I was still determined to fight to make this relationship work. I had too much time, feeling and my child invested in it to go. He, on the other hand, I could tell was slowing giving up. I know that was hard for him because there is no doubt in my mind that he loved me and he absolutely ADORED my daughter. (He's never been married and he doesn't have any children). But, for all of November things were touch and go. As of November 15 we officially broke up but as he told my daughter we were still talking. We would go out to eat, rent movies etc and I spent all Thanksgiving weekend with him.

 

He started a short term computer project in New York City for the company he works for. A very important project. We actually live 2 hours away from there. He would be spending most of his time there for all of December but would be home spuradically. WELL, he was there over a weekend 2 weeks ago and that is when I found out that I was 4-5 weeks pregnant to him which would make it around November 3rd that I conceived. I had not talked to him the whole weekend he was gone so I called him Sunday night(he was on his way home). The first time I called he didn't answer so I left a message asking him to call me. So I called back about 45 minutes later. Right away he was pissy towards me because he said I left him a message on his cell phone in the wrong tone of voice. I told him I had to talk to him when he got into town but he insisted on hearing what I had to say then so I told him. TALK ABOUT FREAKING OUT!!! I read about stages of grief so at this point I would have to say that he was in stage 1-shock. By the time he got home 2 hours later he was in stage 2-anger. The rest of the night consisted of him freaking on me, blaming me because he trusted me to know when it was safe for us to have unprotected sex, saying he hated me, saying he doesn't love me anymore and he stopped months ago, doesn't want to be with me, I make him sick among other nasty things. I just put up with it because I know what I told him was such a blow. Throughout this Sunday evening I worm out of him that he met someone while in New York and had a date with her on Saturday and met her Friday. So I'm well beyond mad about that. He doesn't believe that I am pregnant by the end of the screaming match. On top of the two home tests I took he wants me to go get a blood test. So I do on Monday morning. They call me Monday night to tell me the results and will fax something to me the next day. I run over the fax and the home tests to him on Tuesday before he leaves again. He tells me that he called Planned Parenthood and they said that it is impossible for blood test results to be returned any sooner than 3 days. He said the paper I brought over was just proof that I had the test NOT the results from the test. I don't know who he talked to but I got the results right away. It was a HCG blood test and although they explained it to me I still didn't understand but they said they would circle the part that says, "Male + Pregnant Female and the numbers which is all I need to know really. I showed it to him but he didn't get it and I wouldn't let him keep the paper because I didn't want Mr Denial running back to Planned Parenthood with the paper because someone who works there is a volunteer where I work. And as far as the home tests go he told me that if you let home tests sit out for a few days they will turn positive and that is what he thinks I did. So he leaves for New York on Tuesday. I leave him alone to give him time to think. Thursday morning rolls around and I hear from my step-sister, step-brother, dad and mom that he called all of them the night before(every one of them live separately so he made 4 separate phone calls). He told all of them that he doesn't believe that I am pregnant, he doesn't love me and he met someone else. So I call him that night(Thursday). I tell him that my family is disappointed and upset. He says all kinds of mean things once again and by the end of the conversation, for some reason, we actually ended up having a decent conversation. I couldn't believe it!! He was compromising with me which I thought was wonderful. I can only guess that it's stage 3 of grief-Bargaining. He says, "he doesn't want me to get rid of the baby because it's his. He always wanted a family but he can't do it the way things were with us. Unless things would change I would have to do it on my own and he will see the child in the summer because he wants to move out west like he has always wanted to. He wanted to make a deal with me. He would go to see what a counselor has to say if I would take another test with him present." I was in shock!! He told me to think about it and he would call me. Well, Miss Emotional that I am calls him the next night to find his cell phone is OFF. I know what that means. It means he was busy with another girl and didn't want to be bothered with me which he does tell me later(his cell phone is his right arm). I leave him a message saying the deal is off because I know what he is doing right now and it's very, very hurtful to me! Then I leave him one the next day crying. It was off ALL weekend until Monday morning. I call him Monday morning and he is freaking on me again. He says that he has been working 16 hour days and he hasn't had a chance to come home so we can go get a test. I ask him if he had just 5 hours over the past weekend and he said, "yes but then he got the message from me saying the deal is off." He never listened to me before so I don't know why this time needs to be the first. My grandmother is so mad at him by this point that Monday night she calls his cell phone and leaves a message telling him that he needs to get back here immediately to take care of this situation, he is doing nothing but stalling and he is acting EXTREMELY childish and immature. She also said that he not believing me was just a cop-out. The next morning(Tuesday) I get a very cold e-mail from him saying, "He will be making a special trip into town on Sunday and ONLY staying until 2pm Monday. He will pick me up at 8:30am on Monday and we will go get another test done and I am to bring the previous blood test results with me. If I refuse, get angry or suddenly sick he has no choice but to believe that I am lying about being pregnant. He said that THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE!!" He copies my parents on this too. Did I mention that I am 33? Did I mention that he is 39? Since that e-mail he sent me he will not return any of my phone calls or e-mails. NOT ONE!!!

 

How do I act on Monday when I am with him? Nice? Sad? Quiet? Mean? I just have so much frustration and pain inside of me that I don't know the right things to say or not say. I am so very hurt by his actions. Don't get me wrong, he's a very good guy. I just don't know where his head is and could use some insight as to where it might be.

 

I want to work things out with him. I do not want to raise another child on my own and I don't have the heart to get rid of it either.

 

I hope the advice you bring us helps both he and I to grow and fast.

 

Thank you so much for your help.

[nagol818]

I forgot to mention that since that weekend when his phone was off he will not tell me if the deal with us is still on. I ask him and ask him but all he says is, "let's just get the test done first."

[Cid]

Harsh I feel for you. Now I think that he dose not under stand there is nothing called safe sex. Well I sugest that when you talk to him that you act what every you are feeling. I sugets you do the test one more time just for him, and if he is still not beleving you then tell him that he will not have a thing to do with his child. Well I hope that every thing goes good for you. And good luck.

[The Morrigan]

He's certainly not acting 39, I'd never have guessed from your story. Your grandmother is right, he IS being immature, and selfish, and irresponsible.

 

You weren't the only one in that bed, and he made a decision not to wear a condom. Mutual decision, mutual responsibility, and he's certainly old enough to know that.

 

Frankly, I'd figure out what you want to do without him in the picture, make your arrangements, and let him fall in with them for now, or not. He does not have the right to start making dictatorial decisions about what you're going to do or not do, and it seems a little time to think on this isn't going to do him any harm. You calling and being insistent with him right now is only going to reinforce whatever impression he's giving himself that you'd use your pregnancy to tie him to you - which is probably some of what he's hearing from his friends. Don't give him that ammunition. Make your doctor's appointments, tell him when they are, and tell him he's welcome to attend, but either way your priority is taking care of yourself and your pregnancy.

 

And it is utter BS that you have to wait 3 days - the basic test can be performed and read within hours - if it couldn't, there'd be a problem since doctors have to do this before prescribing medication under any circumstances where a pregnancy is suspected. As a person who went in to have a sinus infection treated and came out with a "congratulations," I'm quite familiar with it!

 

There is no "make or break" point here, like it or not, he's going to have to keep in some sort of touch over the next several months - and either he'll wake up and want to be involved with you and this child, or not. But you don't want to force his hand and have an unsupportive and unwilling guy at your side right now - let him involve himself when he's come to terms with it in his head and can actually be a supportive partner, at least as a potential father - and not before. You have one child at home to take care of, and another on the way, you do NOT need to try to mommy him into growing up as well!!! Not your job to make him grow up honey - he's gotta do this one on his own.

[Mar]

I have to agree with the Morrigan.....why do you feel the need to rush him back into this relationship when he's distrustful of you AND cheating on you openly??? There's something wrong there.

 

I understand you want him to be a father to his child, but right now, he's acting so immaturely that I'm not sure that he'd be the role-model I'd be looking for in a man. The simple fact that he disbelieves that you're even pregnant and insists on taking you for another blood test is absurd.....I know TEENS that would handle the situation better. And then to blithely go see some other woman and leave you coping with this, on top of abusing you about it.....

 

I would seriously consider taking a step back and letting him cool his jets for a bit. If he feels the need to see someone else and only heap abuse on your head over "your" lack of responsibility in becoming pregnant (think about what you said he said to you....."I trusted you to know when it was safe to have unprotected sex"...????? He's a grown man, if he can have sex, he can also know the risk involved/the consequences.....) then I'd think he's not mature enough to handle the responsibilities of raising a child, whether he says he wants it or not. If he can cheat now, how do you explain it down the road to that child that Daddy's off with another woman and can't come visit that weekend?

 

Be assertive and treat this situation as though you're in it alone. Essentially, you are right now regardless. But do NOT let him call the shots! He should be apologizing for his awful behavior first and foremost, and acting like the adult he's supposed to be (are you SURE he's 39?) and taking his share of responsibility and supporting you, as you've supported him. But I wouldn't be bending over backwards to accommodate his wishes, I think he needs some time to think about this and what role he wants to play in it. It's an all-or-nothing situation, he can't pick and choose when it's convenient for him to be around!

 

Mar

[Ash]

I read your post a little while ago, and I've been mulling it over in my head. Other's have asked the question, is this guy really 39? Of course he is, no reason to believe that parts not true if you say it is. So what makes 39 year olds act this way? Midlife crisis. He's not married though, so initially one might think he wouldn't suffer from it. I can't really think of too many other reasons that he'd be the way he is now. Mid life crisis can be hell on everybody involved, and I really don't know what the outcome will be if there's not a marriage to tie you together in the first place. However, viewing it from this aspect may give you some insights as to what's going on in his head. There's lots of info you can dig up on the web on this, try out your favorite search engine.

 

Either that, or he plain got caught at precisely the wrong time. He was just about to break up, had it all figured out in his head, and Wham!!, finds out there is a huge complication. If that's the case, he was probably feeling guilty about things to being with. When he heard about this, he 'overloaded' on it, and started a process of transferring it back to you. I know when I'm really, really stressed out, I start pushing stuff out to try and internally reconcile that it can't possibly be all my fault even though I know it is. It's a defense mechanism of sorts, I can't deal with the guilt, so I subconsciously and consciously think of ways of assigning the blame elsewhere. It can get to the point where the fabrications of the mind really do become real. I think this is where the denial of pregnancy might be coming from. He's so convinced that it can't be his fault that this happened, that he's unable to accept the fact it has actually happened and is making every last little effort possible to try and make it not be so.

 

Others has commented on the protected sex side of things. In essense they are correct, but some men (and women in fact as well) can be incredibly dense and lack common sense and fundamental knowledge when it comes to this. I have run into guys that think there are only one or two days a month that women can possibly become pregnant, and assume that the woman somehow knows exactly when this is and avoids it. It doesn't work like that at all of course. I think he just learned that HE is also responsible for what he does.

 

I don't know, perhaps when confronted with undeniable evidence (in his eyes, he's blinded himself to the information you're giving him) that you are pregnant, he'll accept it. Grudgingly at best though, I think.

 

At the same time, he's probably trying to impress this other woman, and make her think that he's a shining example of everything a man should be. So, for her benefit, in his mind everything has to be your fault, and he'll likely be telling her that. Again, convincing himself and her that you're to blame for everything, you're making stuff up, he's the good party. She won't buy it for long I suspect. Once she understands the exact time line (and she'll figure it out eventually, if he's moved events around a few days when he's told her, he'll slip at some point) she'll likely bail out. Not so much maybe because of the facts of your situation, but definitely because he'll have been lying to her almost from day 1.

 

Are you really sure you want him back?

 

If you do, and want it to go well on Monday, I've really no firm idea on how to tell you to be. The best I can say is play it by ear. I don't think being mean, or sad will help. Being happy may do nothing. Being quite might, but only if you can see that he is coming to a different set of internal conclusions. The reason is, if he's crumbled due to high stress, any additional stress will make him push back harder. If he starts to 'come down' from this high emotional level, it could be that if you let it click into place on it's own, with the odd gentle helping hand from you, there's a chance it might.

 

There is one way that if you really, really want to try again with him, and you're willing to put it on the line (and I'm really hesitant to say this, you'll have to decide if there's a chance at all it might work) is, if he's calm enough, give him a hug and a gentle kiss, look him in the eye's and say "I forgive you." You know what type of a person he normally is, you'll have some clue as to whether this has any chance of working, I don't.

 

I know there's not much for you to forgive him for, and many would argue that I'm being unrealistic, but his behavior has been quite poor. If he does come around, he'll need an out, a way of saving face, or an opening in the wall he's building around himself to keep you out. Forgiving him for his actions just possibly will be a way of helping that process along. Guys really, really hate being wrong, and if they think there's any way they can admit being wrong, but lessen the impact, they'll go for it.

 

I don't know if any of this has helped at all. Take everything I say with a healthy dose of salt, I'm not living this situation, you are. You have more knowledge than the rest of us, and at some point, you have to trust in your own judgment, not blindly follow any one of us. We can present options, give you things to ponder, be a sounding board and offer emotional support. You unfortunately have to be the one in the front of all this.

 

Warm wishes, I hope this works out for you. We're here either way.

[reneesmummy]

Okay so you are keeping the baby?????????????

 

Dont let his time-disregard impede on decisions that need to be made NOW.

If he is acting like such a prick then i am guessing the good feelings you might still harbour will/shall dissapitate sooner rather than later. He is disrespecting you by contesting that the child could be is or that you might be making it up. In reality he is saying you are a liar and he believes that the chances is that someone else could have impregnated you. He is showing you the contempt he feels for you. I think it ois all good that you are trying to be understanding of the process he is going through but that would be all good if he was affording you the same courtesy. And it seems he is not.

About your daughter, yes he might 'adore' her as you say but YOU are and remain her mainframe.

 

Do not concern yourself with this man and try and re-gain control before it really is too late for you. You still have choices.

 

BTW if you do decide to keep the baby and he does have this good job as you say then make sure that he is made to provide for his child, that's one way of making him accountable at least!

[reneesmummy]

Oh... and take my words with a measure of salt too. I can come accross as a but i am really