qwerty1984 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 everyone says there are stages like acceptance, denial etc etc.... i'm on day 21 of nc and i'm still in denial... how do i get past it, and what are the next steps? Link to comment
greywolf Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 everyone says there are stages like acceptance, denial etc etc.... i'm on day 21 of nc and i'm still in denial... how do i get past it, and what are the next steps? Everytime you think about something that gives you hope, quickly squash it. You can't move on if you are holding on to hope. Link to comment
wtm78 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 everyone says there are stages like acceptance, denial etc etc.... i'm on day 21 of nc and i'm still in denial... how do i get past it, and what are the next steps? you had answered your own question in your question... to get past denial is to accept that it has happen... Link to comment
qwerty1984 Posted June 4, 2008 Author Share Posted June 4, 2008 where am i now though? i am seeing him tomorrow and from his tone, i feel like there's some kind of hope...but i dont want to hope as it will hurt too much... i have to act cool and see what he has to say, and not break, and be strong... i have 6 weeks left of him being in the same city and country as me.... i don't want to let him go Link to comment
greywolf Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 where am i now though? i am seeing him tomorrow and from his tone, i feel like there's some kind of hope...but i dont want to hope as it will hurt too much... i have to act cool and see what he has to say, and not break, and be strong... i have 6 weeks left of him being in the same city and country as me.... i don't want to let him go That's the thing. You say you don't want to let him go, but you don't have him. He's already gone. You are holding on to something that's not there. Link to comment
qwerty1984 Posted June 4, 2008 Author Share Posted June 4, 2008 i don't feel like i have...i still feel like there's a chance... so i still haven't even gotten past the first stage... Link to comment
Loris Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Hmmmm. I can hear the conversation between the two of you now... Sounds like the distant squishing of... trodden ground? And then the far cracking of a whip of a dead horse being flogged. Listen, if you want this to work and you still have really strong feelings for him and you're definitely going to meet, DON'T bring up the past. Move forward and start afresh. This is easier said than done, speaking from experience. Did he contact you then? After 21 days of NC and you're meeting up, someone must have contacted someone and the other person must have replied? This is the biggest trap to fall into. If you act disinterested in what he has to say then you might get away with not being hurt and cracking up. If you end up talking about the relationship you'll crack - you're still feeling a lot of pain as what you type is deeply moving. All I'm saying is be prepared to go back to square one (like I did) when you leave each other after meeting. You'll be at day zero for NC, you'll be hurt, lonely and you'll want him back more. At the end of the day, it's your call. I hope it goes well for you. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 i don't feel like i have...i still feel like there's a chance... so i still haven't even gotten past the first stage... You are definitely in the first stages. From what I experienced there will be times when you truly believe that everything will be ok and that you wil get back together. I think this stage lasted almost a month for me. ... Correct. You are in denial - the "bargaining" stage should be next (for many people) - you will start to realize it is over and you will resort to more "desperate measures"..praying to God, bargaining with the Devil and everything in between. When that doesn't work, the depression will set in. The length of time varies tremendously among people. You eventually "accept" they are not coming back. More depression. Then self-reflection. Don't beat yourself up, though...it has been nearly 4 months for me and I am not fully through the "acceptance" phase yet. It is THE MOST painful stage, that is why many people never reach it and can grieve for years, while some are able to move on in a few short months. I agree with this. I think after the first stage you will come to realise it is over but you will still have a lot of hope of getting back together. There will be times when you will believe or even convince yourself that it will happen and times when you will feel there is no hope at all and it's not going to happen. This has been one of the hardest stages for me so far. The sooner you try to let go of that hope the better. Link to comment
qwerty1984 Posted June 4, 2008 Author Share Posted June 4, 2008 The thing is...it's different as he's leaving the country in 6 weeks....i may have already done the bargaining... i don't know... i am seeing him tomorrow, give me strength... he knows how i feel, i don't know what he will say, but there's not much i can say except i totally adore him, i think we should give it another shot, but if not, then that's it and i want to be his friend because he is amazing... all depends on what he says...because i have this little hope (very screwed up and probably wrong) that he can't live without me either him moving to Paris will make this so hard but also easier in other ways, i know that i feel like this is the biggest mistake i've ever made... i don't want to give him up... Link to comment
qwerty1984 Posted June 4, 2008 Author Share Posted June 4, 2008 I know it's my call...and i'm pretty sure i'll just have to play it cool and look to the future, like you said loris... and i'll take steps back and if we get on like we usually do it'll give me hope too.... but at least i'll have my best friend back... i'm so confused and this hope is killing me... maybe if he says to me tomorrow that it's over, again, then i'll be able to get on with it.... but yes, i agree that we probably shouldn't discuss the relationship too much! Thanks everyone! Please keep commenting! Link to comment
chrissykissy83 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Everytime you think about something that gives you hope, quickly squash it. You can't move on if you are holding on to hope. iv got to say that thats the truest and most wise thing ive heard really good advice. Link to comment
Panda2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 In what situation are you meeting him and who has instigated the meeting? Link to comment
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 everyone says there are stages like acceptance, denial etc etc.... i'm on day 21 of nc and i'm still in denial... how do i get past it, and what are the next steps? Hi Querty, In response to your original post here are the five stages of significant loss: 1. Shock/Denial 2. Anger 3. Asking "What if..." questions or making "If only" statements. 4. Sadness 5. Acceptance Bear in mind you may go through the steps several times and may not do so in the order listed above. You might have a setback and go back to a previous stage and have to work though it again. The only time these steps become a problem is when you become stuck at a particular step, but if you do you have us enotters to get you though Link to comment
qwerty1984 Posted June 5, 2008 Author Share Posted June 5, 2008 I am meeting him because i called him yesterday, we will meet at a pub in between where we both live (only 10 mins apart anyway) i want to see him to see how he is, i guess to check he is sure about his decision. mostly, it's because he is leaving the country in 6 weeks and i have lost the love, i don't want to lose everything else... he is a great guy, a great friend, an amazing person... every time i feel any hope, i will squash it...so thanks to all! As for the stages...i think the only one i haven't been through is anger... but then again i never get angry.... Link to comment
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