Was I Right To Cancel??

[kimber271]

Hi Everyone,

 

Been with my boyfriend 4.5 years. We had a VERY rough start, where he was unfaithful, claiming he didn't think we'd ever be as serious as we are today. He did so many hurtful things.. There were 2 occasions of physical abuse, where he pushed me down, and the other where he grabbed my hand, took my phone, then threw it in the street.

 

There hasn't been anything serious like that for 2 years. Lately, it's been a few verbal words here and there. in NO way am I perfect, he's had to put up with a lot from me, but the difference is whenever he needs me, I'd do anything for him, I comfort him, and would always take care of him.

 

He's pretty good about being fair about who pays, enjoys that I go out with friends and family, and isn't too controlling in that way.

 

Lately though, since we've been doing long distance (different states) his old self has come back. He's more disrespectful than ever, and when I try and talk to him or need him for something, he says I constantly complain. I ask him why he doesn't care, and he says, "Because I hear the same thing everyday!" Well, im just trying to talk and communicate, and he always shuts me out.

 

He's been hanging up on me, blaming EVERYTHING on me, and wont even consider marriage when I've proved my loyalty and love 10times over. The last stint he did was he burped REALLY loud over Skype (I can see and hear him) and I kinda was grossed out... He said, "Well, if you dont like it then hang up!"

 

This is killing me.. We had a summer trip planned, where I was to come down and see him for 2 weeks. I just wrote him an email saying I'm so sick of his behavior, I can't do the trip. Was I right? Should I just lay off him, or does this man have issues, at 36, having moved back in with his mom who he despises. Is it me, or did i do the right thing in canceling?

[ghost69]

why are you with this guy? scared you can't find another?

[hamsalad]

Should have bailed at the first sign of infidelity and certainly after the physical altercations.

 

Protect yourself from this guy.

[Timebandit]

I am probably giving you the same advice as everybody else... but please stop spending more time with this loser.

[mca1975]

He doesnt sound very nice to be honest with you. He is obviously unhappy and may be taking things out on you, but he sounds quite nasty and the burping thing that is, not only gross, but a bit of a weird thing to do really, like he did it to cause an argument.

 

Yes you were right to cancel, take some time to think, create some emotional distance. You sound like a nice person, Good luck x

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would say go one step further than cancelling vacation plans with him...cancel him out of your life completely. This guy is vile.

[kimber271]

Thank you so much everyone. My heart is really breaking, and I know I brought it on myself by staying with him, hoping things would change.

 

I grew up in a very loving family, where we all loved each other through the worst times. So, thats what I"ve done to him, but I guess in this case though, when the other person is a jerk to you with no respect, thats the exception.

 

I was 20 when I met him, now 25, and he's all I know. BUT, I do know there are men out there that would never hang up on me, would listen when I talk, and would never tell me to "SHUT the F Up." I've given so much to him, yet all he sees is negative. **sigh*** I truly appreciate all of your advice, because it reassures me I'm doing the right thing. I'm scared, but I know i'll get through this and be so much happier.

[mca1975]

Kimber271, I wish you the best of luck, you sound very grounded and mature I must say, and its great that you have a lovely family who have been there for you, you deserve that from a partner, which is not him.

You are making the right decision. He will be gutted once he realises he has lost a great girl like you.

Go forth and explore the world, there are some great people out there to meet! You should feel excited soon!

x

[ghost69]

you are 25? omg, you have waaaay more time to find a GREAT guy. not a tool loser.

[Hope75]

I'm in total agreement that you need to cancel much more than your vacation with this guy.

 

There are no excuses for his behavior and after 4 years you know that what you see is what you get.

 

Are you going to do something about this?

[kimber271]

I feel a lot better. I felt gutted when I wrote him that email, standing up for myself, and saying I don't care if he blames me, I can't take it.

 

I guess the $500 non-refundable plane ticket is a small price to pay towards living a happier life.

[kenshinkitten]

First sign of infidelity and abuse you should have left.

Get out of this.

[Jociellen]

At the first sign of physical abuse you should have left. I say get rid of him completely. He obviously doesn't respect you and doesn't care what you think. With him so far away and the way he is already treating you makes me wonder if hes trying to push you away. As for the ticket...most the time you can change the ticket for a fee.....the fee to change it would be worth not losing the 500 all together and then you can go on vacation anyways! I think you deserve it!!!

[Russ]

My 2 cents?

 

He's 35. He lives with his mother. That's pathetic.

 

You can do better with just about anyone. Don't be the one who ends up living in a trailer with him, being beat every day.

[kimber271]

It is pathetic he lives with his mom. He tried to flee his problems in Los Angeles, and now he's letting his mom baby him, while he despises her at the same time for past and present issues. Man, the more I talk about him, the more all of your comments make very good sense.

 

He has money, and is very saavy in the markets doing trades, but i think thats because he can't handle, or is too lazy for a 9-5. There's nothing wrong with not going to a daily job, but i know what he does all day, and he claims to work, but he's online more than he works.

 

I'm thinking of using the ticket, as an enotaloner suggested, to go somewhere nice, instead of going to see him and being miserable.

 

I truly appreciate all of your responses, they have helped SO much

[SadMan]

I think both of you have lost the respect for each other. 4.5 years is a very long time nowadays. After being with him for this long and if things are not getting better, it will only get worse from here. Dont contact him for a while, lets see how he reacts. If he loves you and cares enough about you, he will do all he can to find you and try to make up for what hes done.

 

If you already bought the ticket, dont waste it. Continue you plans and come to Los Angeles for some time off without him and discover yourself. There are LOTS to do here. Get to the beach, relax, and think about what you should do from here without him. Only you know what you want to do.

 

The weather is perfect here so,

 

Take this time and forget about all the bad stuff and HAVE SOME FUN..!!

[kimber271]

Sadman- I'm in Newport Beach, so I know how the beach can relax you and be a great experience. =) I love LA, trying new restaurants, and sometimes going dancing there. fun times. =)

 

I'm just so scared that if I do anything with him, all we'll do is fight. He gets mad at me for no reason sometimes, and if we fight, no matter who's fault it is, it's SO Hard for him to get back in a good mood.

 

I've literally cried and begged and apologized for hours, and he sits there and yells at me, tells me to stop crying, or ignores me. We've had so many fun times together, but i'm just scared that even if I give it time, or we do see each other, nothing will change.

[SadMan]

Hey Kim,

 

Wow, you are already in the best place on earth.

 

I used to work at Newport Beach last year near Fletcher Jones Mercedes Dealership.

 

To be honest, I used to be like that when I was with my ex-gf when I was 18. I would get mad very easily and just run my mouth and she would beg for hours and I would sit there and stay mad. And litteraly she was walking on egg shells every day because I would get short tempered. We were together for 5 years and eventho I've changed and got more mature over the years, at the end we still broke up. A lot of times when I think back, I really hate myself for acting that way. Driving her away.

 

Well, i guess what I am trying to say is, people do change. I've learned my days of young adolescent mistakes and move on.

 

Look in your heart and think in all perspectives of him. Do you think he will change? I mean if hes been like that for his age, I dont think he will ever change.

 

GOod luck,

 

 

[kimber271]

Well, I tried to at least just make things right this morning (not get back together or anything) and send him a little note.. I told him that I love him, and I'm sorry things are like this.

 

I also sent him a really uplifting devotional on IM while he was online, and he didn't respond. So about 20 min later I said, "Are you there?" He replied with a few words, "Yea, I'm working."

 

I was at work too, but I was thinking of him, and looked really hard for something that may help him feel good. I then replied, "I'm working too, I was just thinking of you, and thought I'd share this devotion with you."

 

He didn't even respond. Why am I so concerned with this guy? I feel somehow that I messed up the relationship, that maybe I picked arguments that were no big deal, when I should have let them go. I feel that sometimes I should have just let things be, but I just went with what I felt, and he never seemed to respect that.

 

Why can't I just be brave and let him go? He obviously is making NO attempt, after I've sent him nice messages before I went to bed, and this morning, to even contact me. It really hurts.

[Hope75]

Hi Kimber,

 

I'm not sure what you are trying to achieve by continuing to contact him. He has shown you over and over that he is verbally abusive and is not putting your best interests at heart. He has you working so hard to please him and your expectations at this point are so low that you are accepting anything he gives you- and not what you deserve from a healthy relationship.

 

I really think what you need to do is stop trying to placate someone who obviously isn't as invested in this relationship as you are, and focus your energies on letting him go and getting on with your life- on putting a stop to allowing him to treat you this way.