Don't Say "Thank You"

[honeybee52]

This isn't a big problem or anything, but I'm just curious what others think. My bf and I have been dating for 5 1/2 years, we're older (in our early 50s) and planning to get married in '09.

 

When he helps me in one of the many ways he helps me at my home (cutting the lawn, taking out the trash, fixing things), I often thank him...... I want him to know how much I appreciate him..... The funny thing is, he said he doesn't like me to thank him......... He seems uncomfortable with my "thank you's"........

 

I adore him and he is so wonderful...........

Any thoughts on why he doesn't want me to thank him??? He didn't really give me a direct answer when I asked him..........

 

THANKS!-- oops.... ! ! ! There I go again!!!!

[Batya33]

When you say thank you is it in a sort of weak tone of voice, giving the impression that you're insecure about taking what he wants to give to you? Ask him!

[honeybee52]

I think it's more that he doesn't want to feel like he's separate from me and doing me "favors" where I feel a need to thank him....... I know it's weird. No, I am actually very enthusiastic and happy and sincere when I thank him.......

 

I thought that men's number one desire was to be appreciated...... Maybe I need to show him in other ways........ ? ? ?

[zb84]

Yeah, you might as well ask him about it.

 

From my experiences with the military I have a tendency to get those thank yous from time to time... I say, thanks and all, but inside it's always awkward for me when I'm just doing (or did) my job. I see that's it's noble and many people appreciate that, but still it's weird. I don't feel that I'm doing that much. Some people need that verbal recognition while for others it feels like you're making it out to be much more than it is and he feels like he's just doing his part. I don't know if that makes any sense, but just throwing it out there.

 

When you discuss it with him make sure you tell him you love and appreciate him, but I guess like batya said don't make yourself sound inferior.

 

Honey - Yeah, make sure you show him its appreciated, but maybe differently.

[Roasted Carrots]

I think it's important to continue to appreciate him. I think it's more detrimental to just asumme he'll do things around the house than to constantly thank him for it.

 

That being said, ask him why it bothers him. Is it because he enjoys doing these and feels embarrassed when thanked? Or does being thanked make him think you assumed he wasn't going to do it?

 

You sound like a grateful person! Maybe there's other ways you can thank him. Maybe it's the way you say it. Maybe instead of "Thank you for mowing the lawn" you can say "Thanks for taking care of me?"

 

Talk to him about it, but never take him for granted, no matter what he says!

[Batya33]

I think it's more that he doesn't want to feel like he's separate from me and doing me "favors" where I feel a need to thank him....... I know it's weird. No, I am actually very enthusiastic and happy and sincere when I thank him.......

 

I thought that men's number one desire was to be appreciated...... Maybe I need to show him in other ways........ ? ? ?

 

Maybe you come accross as overly enthusiastic?

 

It's funny - it can be cultural. I have heard that in some cultures saying thank you to a spouse is seen as almost offensive because you are treating the spouse as you would a stranger - that you should be able to do away with all of those "courtesies" and just be comfy, while other cultures believe that you should treat your spouse like a stranger when it comes to showing appreciation - if you would thank the waitress or the guy who holds the door for you, extend the same courtesy to your spouse, don't take him or her for granted.....

 

I think it is a mistake to generalize about "men's number one desire" when as you know, there are men who like to be spanked, men who like to be thanked, and everything in between, -- just like all individuals.

[arcadefire]

I would just as him about it. Usually people would say thanks but if he's not used to it then it would be understandable. It could be cultural, like what the above poster said. Continue what you do because if it did make him uncomfortable he would've told you by now, I'm hoping.

[Maya_A]

I think it's more that he doesn't want to feel like he's separate from me and doing me "favors" where I feel a need to thank him....... I know it's weird......

 

^^^

I think you are right in your assessment honeybee... I don't even think it is weird at all. This has happened to me a couple of times with men I've dated, & to my surprise, I myself have felt a little "pang" before when a guy has thanked me for something that I thought was a given I would do because of our closeness... For several reasons I don't feel that way at all now in being thanked. I actually like it where it happens because I realize it is their way of showing me appreciation - all changes when you look at intent. But during the past times it gave me a pang, it felt like the thank-you's were making our relationship more cordial and friendly, or distant, vs. intimate energy. I'd felt that it was just a very natural act of love in doing the things I did.

 

Again, just to note how it can be seen by some (such as your bf)...

 

 

I thought that men's number one desire was to be appreciated...... Maybe I need to show him in other ways........ ? ? ?

 

^^^

I think you are right, again. I think we all like to feel appreciated but what makes us feel appreciated can vary individually. If the thank-you's don't do it for him (& actually have an opposing affect) you could always ask him what the best way is for you to show him how much he is appreciated in your life in general... Then you'll know how to show it...

[Mavh25]

When my boyfriend cooks I say thank you, but he does'nt say it to me and he hates me saying it because he says he is'nt doing me a favour, he's doing something for US not just me, maybe thats what he means =)

[pickles]

I relate with this topic and the orig. poster ... I tend to "thank" all the time, especially to my bf.

 

Actually, I was getting on my nerves, LOL.

[smickly]

When I 'thank' my boyfriend for contributing to the household, or doing his share of chores. I think if often makes him feel like a 'helper' not an equal contributer.

It's like I'm the household manager, and have a list of tasks to complete and I'm thankful he knocked one or two off that list... but he never seems to be contributing to the list, or the managing duties and deciding what needs to be done.

 

So we are trying to talk more about the whole of the list, and I'm trying to stop thanking him for owning his stuff. Instead I show my appreciation by telling him he's wonderful, equal, thoughtful or some other such stuff.

[stansmith]

I thought that men's number one desire was to be appreciated...... Maybe I need to show him in other ways........ ? ? ?

 

Oh, you are so right... I like it when my gf asks me to help her... Most of the time she just tries to do everything her self, which makes me feel kind of useless. And thanking is not required, i help her because that makes me important part of her life, but kiss or hug is much more valuable than 'thank you' (since we are not just friends...) If she thanks me then it means it's was something she could've done, but didnt have time or something. If she gives me a kiss, it means that I did something she couldn't do (i am sure she could, but that's details), this way I am her knight.

[pickles]

...but kiss or hug is much more valuable than 'thank you' (since we are not just friends...) If she thanks me then it means it's was something she could've done, but didnt have time or something. If she gives me a kiss, it means that I did something she couldn't do (i am sure she could, but that's details), this way I am her knight.

 

That was really helpful ... you captured it. I will kiss instead of "thanking".