How does it feel to finally let go???

[fivespot]

This has been something I've been wondering about for such a long time now. I've let go of other girls before, but never like this. With my most recent ex, it's literally gotten to the point where I've actually forgotten what it feels like to NOT think about her.

 

I've been grieving for such a long time now (she dumped me, says she fell out of love with me, maybe she never had any feelings, I don't know) and some days I feel free... I feel better and I don't think about her as much.

 

But then there's days like today. You know back in January, for my New Years resolution, I swore to myself that by May I was going to feel 100% better. And you know what? If anything I feel so much worse. I miss her and all the other girls I've met and causally dated...guess what? They aren't her and I get so depressed and lose interest instantly.

 

So my question is to those that truly love their ex and were forced to let go. I'm not talking a little fling or crush...I'm talking about when you loved them and planned a future with them, and then they bailed on you. How did you realize you were over them? When you met someone new? Suppose you aren't interested in the new people you meet?

 

I won't ask, "How much longer is that going to last?" because I have a bad feeling it's going to be LONG time. So how does it feel to finally let go? I know everyone's different...what are the signs to look for to realize you're finally moving on?

[wtm78]

when deep down you stop hoping

[fivespot]

But is that even possible?

[caro33]

I started to believe maybe a year or so after it ended (10 years together, engaged, he left with no explanation and we never spoke again) that perhaps I was better off without him because he could not have given me what I needed. I had known this intellectually for some time but did not truly believe it until the year was up. Even then, I still felt melancholy about him, about shared jokes etc, and I did feel like I had missed my chance at happiness. Note that I spent that year basically holed up at home alone when I was not a work, so I had truly done some concentrated grieving. I was totally devastated, we had been together since I was 19 and he was all I knew.

 

I started to genuinely feel "over" it maybe 18 months after it ended, and I started a casual thing with a guy who was a jerk but made me feel really sexy and wanted. My life had changed by then; I had changed jobs, bought new clothes and felt attractive, finished my thesis, made new friends, and travelled. This all made a huge difference to my ego, and as it healed so did I.

 

It's been over six years since it ended and I am now married to a wonderful man and have a lovely son. I still dream about the ex frequently, but for most of the past 5 years or so the dreams have been nightmares that the ex came back, and I took him back after he left. My husband morphs into him. So I have been left with a deep fear of being abandoned, but you live with it. As far as I am concerned I am "over" the ex, but there will always be some baggage...

[Rider0375]

It feels like complete freedom. You will know when it happens and it will be immistakeable. You will just KNOW. A complete sense of freedom will overtake you and you will realize that you are just fine being yourself, and being single.

 

Once you realize that, that your ok on your own, this is usually when another girl comes along and you fall in love again. Its not always this easy, but most will probably tell you that it happens in this way.

 

The only way that i've ever 100% gotten over a girl, is to find another one that makes me happy. But I have to be 98% there before I'll even try to find a girl to fix the other 2%

[PrometheanCurse]

when you don't write these kinds of posts...I wish I knew what it felt like. I always feel like I"m almost there but then I catch myself looking for him at school and it sucks!

[wtm78]

But is that even possible?

 

if you let it.. it is..

[fivespot]

It feels like complete freedom. You will know when it happens and it will be immistakeable. You will just KNOW. A complete sense of freedom will overtake you and you will realize that you are just fine being yourself, and being single.

 

Thanks everybody for your stories and advice so far...

 

You know rider, I know what you're talking about because I've experienced this before. But it's fleeting... On some days it's like I have a revelation and I finally know what it's like to not think about her and still be happy.

 

The problem is, this feelings quickly goes away and I end up feeling sad again. If only I could hold on to that feeling of being free and happy, because I do know what that feels like, even if I've only felt it for a few minutes every now and then...

[caro33]

The cycle will get longer though, the cycle of feeling bad. It is inevitable but you can hurry it along a bit with the more positive thinking we spoke about on the other thread today.

[arcadefire]

To me it happened when I finally just accepted what happened. And then I wrote a letter to him (did not send obviously) that told him that I forgive him. And lastly that I forgive myself. And then I let it go and moved on.

 

I think it's very important to reach forgiveness, even if you feel like you can never do it. You kind of let go of all your negative emotions and no longer let it chain you down.

[Haven]

When you think about the person with someone else, and your initial reaction is, "So what?"

[caro33]

When you think about the person with someone else, and your initial reaction is, "So what?"

 

Hmm, I don't know about this for me, I think it's a pretty high standard. I am well over my ex-fiance and ex-jerk casual guy but in my delusional world their lives kind of stayed static and they stayed celibate, and I never want to know any different. The fact that I moved on, saw others and even got married is kind of beside the point of course

 

I guess I do think "so what?" as above, but there is not a complete indifference from there.

[fivespot]

My problem is I did forgive her...

 

so much so that I let her walk all over me. I defended all her terrible and hurtful behaviors right to the end and tried to justify them. And people, like my family and friends would look at me like I was from mars.

 

I don't hate her and I don't think I ever will, even after everything that's happened. And though I still feel anger here and there, I think it was my extreme (and irrational) willingness to constantly forgive that got me where I am today...

 

And she doesn't respect me for it now. She got away with murder when she was with me. She would flirt with other guys right in front of me, she gave her number to guys while she was with me...

 

I caught her kissing another guy and I don't even want to get into what I saw when we were on vacation.

 

But that's just it...I'd get mad, I'd tell her it was over and I've had enough of her bs, then a few minutes she'd be kissing me and whispering in my ear, and by the end of the night I'd forget it all happened.

 

She was so manipulative. But it's my fault for not taking a stronger stance. I guess in this case, I really need to forgive myself, also.

[bluestar]

I am really looking forward to that time!