Open Relationship?

[le_petit_lapin]

A year ago, I had another account through eNotAlone, but after much healing, the posts didn't reflect the person I am now. So this is my new account. eNotAlone has been better than most of the therapy I've had, and the individuals in this community have made me a stronger, better person.

 

I haven't logged in my account for months, but I need help.

 

My boyfriend of 8 months just graduated college. I still have another year to go. He has moved back home (which is 400+ miles away) to live with with parents while he looks for a job. He assures that he's coming back up where I live to find a job. While he's 400+ miles away, however, he says we should date other people- "nothing serious," he says. "I've done the LDR thing and ended up resenting my girlfriend because I expected too much." I was in a similar situation when I first when off to college (where I resented my boyfriend while being away and I wasn't going out or meeting people) so we agreed to still talk to each other, visit each other, but date casually on the side (and not tell each other about our sexual conquests). He said that if he gets an apartment up here, I will be the first person he calls.

 

I was kind of hesitant about this idea at first, so I talked to my mother. She thought it was a fabulous idea. "That's what your father and I did when he decided to spend two years traveling around the world," she said. "If anything, it made us stronger. After dating all these other girls, he knew I was the one for him." That made me feel better.

 

When my boyfriend left, we both shed lots of tears. He told me he would come back as soon as he got any money for an apartment up here. He told me he loved me more than anything. He gave me his pillow to sleep with at night. All that cute stuff.

 

He calls me and emails me frequently. He tells me he misses me. I was feeling pretty good about things.

 

My mom sat me down today and said she wanted to talk to me. "He isn't coming back," she said. "He will find someone else and move on. You should, too." I was like, "What about you and Dad?"

"Most people aren't as lucky as your father and me."

...

 

I feel kind of confused. I don't want to wait around for my boyfriend to come back, especially if there's a chance that he may NOT be able to move back here. I don't want to be taken advantage of. At the same time, we both really care about each other.

 

I don't know what to do.

Should I go with the original plan: casually date other guys while we're apart, still talk on the phone, then get back together if he comes back?

OR

Should I break it off completely?

 

Does anybody have success stories of something like this working??? I am only 20- I need some guidance ('cause my mother is really confusing me).

[amure]

you have to remember your mother isn't the keeper of time. no one can determine whats going to happen, unfortunately.

what you have to do is what im doing (im in a similar situation). respect and appreseate your friendship with them, and for now, expect nothing more.

you've gotten him interested in you before havent you you can do it again ;-)

 

good luck darl

[le_petit_lapin]

you have to remember your mother isn't the keeper of time. no one can determine whats going to happen, unfortunately.

what you have to do is what im doing (im in a similar situation). respect and appreseate your friendship with them, and for now, expect nothing more.

you've gotten him interested in you before havent you you can do it again ;-)

 

good luck darl

 

that's what I needed to hear. it's just hard when Mom is right 90% of the time. I guess the uncertainty of the situation is what scares me the most.

[agent1607307371]

How do you feel about dating other people, how do you feel about him dating other people?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your relationship is over. He is telling you he wants to keep in touch because right now there is nobody in his life..once he finds someone else he won't bother with you that much. This is not an open relationship, this is the end of the relationship. Date when you are ready to date, when you can get your head around the end of this relationship. Do not expect him to come back...if he does at some point, well, you will see how you feel then...but I think he broke up with you without actually saying those words.

[Excalibur]

You don't really address the practical realities to give us much to work with.

 

he's moved home iwth a degree, because he has no job and no path of pursuit at present. He's working on finding a job, and wherever that is - he's going to relocate this life.

 

In your area, in the degree he has - is there work to be had? If not he won't come to where you are to find employment.

 

What your mother is stating is that for two years while your father traveled around the world - neither considered themselves as being in a relationship. They considered themselves dating this other person - along with many otherpersons including possibly having sex - and whenever the timing hit so that they could spend a few hours or days together - they did.

 

She didn't try to hang onto him - she didn't wait for him....she knew that his traveling the world could result in many things that would never bring him back to her. Falling in love, having an accident, settling into a career track and location that wasn't right for her plans for her, etc.

 

She sees you sitting there trying to "plan a future with him" - focusing on the next time we'll spend time together - and that is NOT what she did - nor is it what she meant when she made her statement to you.

 

But she's right......he's going to go wherever he finds employment, he's going to set up his "first chapter' of his independent life. He's going to date, he's going to have sex, he's going to pay bills, he's going to get behind in bills, he's goingto make friends, develop interests, he's in a huge phase of transitional growth....the likelihood of including you in it while making his decisions, taking his actions - almost nil.

 

A relationship demands that you shortchange your individuality - to have your couplehood options and security.

 

He's basically said let's NOT shortchange our individuality - and let's get together whenever we can and hang out/hook up, relive old times, create new memories.

[siberianhusky88]

Please don't make it an open relationship. i have several friends who have tried this open relationship thing and it has caused more harm than good. someone will end up hurt in some way and when you make a relationship open, what value are you giving to that original person if you can be with anyone you want and that person at the same time? either end the relationship or keep trying at it. there are long distance relationships that work out, especially those where the two are very committed. the fact that he plans to return indicates that the ldr will end eventually. you could always go up and visit him. thus, either end it and move on with your life (if u make it an open relationship and u actually meet someone u like better, then you will have a lot of baggage and emotions involved and such) or keep trying. never make it open.

[Segan]

I think what your mother is saying is this:

 

Open, long distance relationships without a definite plan are almost always going to end up with one or both people "moving on."

 

Think of it this way. Most relationships end with a break up. Even more open relationships end that way. Even more long distance relationships end that way. Add it all together, and your relationship will probably not last. He, or YOU, will move on.

 

If you really really believe that he is the guy you want to marry, one or both of you will have to plan to move to be with the other person.

 

Until one or both of you is ready to make a physical move, you can preserve your relationship *temporarily* by telling him that you want to keep it exclusive (you can say keep it exclusive until you figure things out).

 

His response to your request will tell you a lot about how he feels about you and a future with you.

 

Since it is only one year that you have left in college, and since he says he wants to find a job near you, he might be willing to have an exclusive long distance relationship if he knows how much you care about him. The LD LTR would only be a year or less, which I think is manageable.

[Miss Singh]

This is what i dont get because i hear this type of thing alot...

 

If you guys really care about eachother and really love eachother... Why cant he just commit to you and you guys have a LD Relationship, and see eachother when you can ??

 

In my opinion, I think its true love if the person would wait for you, and doesnt even wanna sleep with someone else.

 

If your in love, you should only have eyes for that person that you are in love with !!! You shouldnt wanna sleep with other people or date them !!!

 

Girl, I think you should let him go, cause who knows, what if he decides to come back and your not happy with him or the things he has done you know ??

 

You shouldnt wait around for someone that will just hurt you, or something like that. Find someone thats gonna love you no matter what.