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How to not be suspicious after you've been cheated on?


TroubledTwenties
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I've posted here a few times, and I've always gotten some very good responses so I thought I'd give it a go again, and see what turns out. My off and on bf of 3 years cheated on me last year with a girl. Since then he's dated two other girls besides that one, they all started WHILE he and I were still going out. For instance, we'd be having conflict and he's start talking to another girl from work, and would eventually go out on a date with her, while he and I were still dating, and he would lie to me about it.

As with all other things, I always found out, and because of this, I have become very suspicious and jealous. I didn't use to be that way, and I hate myself for being that way now.

 

I know that my boyfriend does love me, and he and I are trying to work very hard on our relationship to make it work (we've got better communication, for one), but I just can't shake this feeling of him hiding something, and it's starting to wear on him too, from me thinking this way. It's gotten to the point where last night, he told me that if I even mentioned his recent ex gf he would tell me to go home. Let me explain that....he started going out with a friend of his roommates, and last month broke up with her to start dating me again, but he still has her stuff in his apartment, and will go to great lengths to avoid her instead of telling her to come get her stuff. ....last night, she sent him a text message on his phone, that said something to the effect of

 

"Hey, how was work...why did we have to drive?!?...I love you!"

 

Now I know for a FACT that he hasn't seen or talked to her since he and I have been dating, but I don't understand why she would send him that text message. I asked him what she ment by that, and if he was hiding something (I mean why did she have to say I love you??), well that just got him going on why I just shouldn't check his text messages....he hasn't seen or talked to her and he wasn't going to reply to her, but that I always had to keep mentioning the fact that she has contact with him. He told me the reason he just doesn't text her back and say, "Leave me the *** alone, I'm dating someone else"...is because he has tact and doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and by not doing nothing, she'll get the hint that they are still only going to be friends.

 

I don't know what to do, I don't want to be the suspicious and jealous type, but I don't want to be the fool in the end either. Anyone...?? You're opinions are most appreciated....

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I'm always looked at as the "bad guy" or the "barer of bad news" (or just a bad speller) but if it will help a person like you get out of the situation your in and on to a better a new relationship then i'll be that.

 

You dont trust him and you have every right not to. He betrayed you more then too many times and you deserve better. Leave this man, please before you make a mistake and get pregnant or worse marry this man.

 

Why do you feel like you can't do better than him? Why do you feel like you dont' have another or other options, half a man is not better than no man. Look at all these awesome guys here on this forum who would look down opon a man like this for doing to you just what he has done, look at all the good guys who want a good woman like you, then look at you, and ask yourself, why can't you leave. He has given you more then a few reasons. I am going to pray for you that you get enough strength to leave him and heal. You sound like your in so much pain, and this bothers me, because I used to be you. I think you dont need to feel guilty about being insecure, you should feel guilty about putting yourself through this.

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I've responded to your prior posts regarding both you and your bf cheating, if I recall correctly.

 

First, he should be getting rid of her stuff. It's not good for you to see it and it's not fair for him to keep i from her.

 

You know she has not been with him, so you know he has not cheated? What are you with him 24 hours a day? Probably not but to be able to account for his whereabouts all the time is excessive. However, you both need to be able to do things that will assure the other that there will be no more cheating. You need to be willing to live as open books. Easy no. You lose lots of privacy. How to rebuild your security and trust in each other is not simple. It will take a long time. It will expose each of you to be vulnerable to such exposure and/or having the other person cheat again. It's a rough road. Good luck.

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Checked TroubledTwenties prior post, she said she lied to him before, but she did not say she has cheated.

 

Generally leaves my analysis unchanged. Might change the relative severity of the wrongs, but lying and cheating are both wrong. Does who does what first matter? Maybe the second in time will feel justified, but shoudl they?

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I think that who cheats first is very serious. Some people would have never been unfaithful had there lover not done this to them first. Some people do things out of spite and pure revenge...However, if you did it first and he cheated on you and wont stop then maybe he was just waiting to let the cat out the bag.

 

But again TT i'm here to help you, not push my point of view on you and make you feel bad about any mistakes you made. I'm also human just like you so I know i'm not perfect and I dont go through everyone's posts and try to correct them to make myself look good. I hope you didnt get that idea of me.

That is not what enotalone is about..ya know. I'm here to help you so please respond to me..ok. Or if you would like, Pm, me and I can help you even further there ok?

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Yes Beec...I had lied to him, never about our relationship though. He was my first boyfriend and I in a sense built my life around him, catering to his needs, sometimes I almost felt I had to lie to him about small things such as (what time exactly I came to the apt from visiting my mom...etc.) I NEVER lied about being with another person, or about loving him, or even about being trustworthy, and I would never have lied to him except for the fact that when I told the truth, we'd get into a bigger argument.

 

I realize that it takes time on both our parts, and I also realize that I wasn't the perfect girlfriend. However, I did try to make it better, I worked, went to school, and did ALL the household work. Then we ran into a tough spot because I got sick and had to take a semester off school and work. We could have recovered financially from that but he decided instead to leave me and be with someone else.

 

But all that aside, I do want to be better in the relationship...any tips for making things better?

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Oh I also ment to say in the other post that. no...I don't know what my bf is doing 24 hours a day, but well he works and sleeps...he works from 11 pm to 7 am the next day, then about 5 when I get off work I go over and spend time with him till he has to go to work....

 

I guess when I put it that way, it doesn't seem so bad, but it just bothers me about her stuff, and the fact that she keeps calling his cell phone and sending text messages that say I LOVE YOU.....why doesn't he tell her to stop? Maybe I'm overreacting...???

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Well, I am not going to access who was more wrong. Bad type of analysis to do.

 

However, you worry comes from him needing to make you feel secure about not only his actions but his intentions. How do you know he is not going to jump on her again, when you are not around?

 

No answer for that, but you need to be frank with him about what he needs to do to make you feel secure and he needs to do the same with you. I don't know what that is, but limiting contact with her and getting rid of her stuff would be a start. Ask him to do that.

 

Finally, I return to my original analyst: you have a tough road, most won't make it to the end due to trust issues. Once trust is broken, it is tough to get back. Anyway, the guy seems to have walked out on you when you really needed him. Is that what you want in a guy?

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