Can't get over a girl...

[fribjits]

(Wasn't sure if this was in the right section but here goes).

 

Well for the past at least 4 years I've had a humongo crush on a girl. She was my first really BIG crush (And still is). She's very attractive and is a nerd. (Thus she is sought after by pretty much my entire circle of male friends...And a couple of females. o.O) I never had the courage to tell my feelings to her and thus remained kinda distant from her in sorta fear of losing friendship, etc.

 

I don't see her very often anymore since i graduated high school, but I do see her once a week at SCA practice and ugh, it hurts so bad. I still have immense feelings for her and I don't know what to do. I actually have a GF now and she has a boyrfriend. My girlfriend is great and all but I'm still madly enamored with this girl. (obviously not love because we've never been together). I want to get over this girl and move on with my life so I don't hurt my current relationships or ones in the future. but it's tough, this girl is very attractive, nice fun, smart, nerdy and basically has everything I look for in a girl and I can't stop the feelings of want, crushness and errrrg self pity to appear in my stomach when I see her or talk to her online. (People have told me to stop being friends with her but I've never ever been able to just stop being friends with someone, especially when they're nice and havent done anything to me, plus I see her at least once a week.)

 

Ugh, any advice?

[pianoguy]

I really only see three solutions:

 

1) You see if a relationship with her is possible

 

2) You stop seeing her regularly

 

3) You will yourself to stop having feelings for her

 

 

Let's consider these solutions separately:

 

1) would entail both of you dumping your respective partners and getting together, which seems unlikely, especially in light of the fact that you haven't told her your feelings before. It would be a big risk and it might not be worth it.

 

2) would not necessarily mean that you would have to stop being friends with her, but you would have to limit your contact with her to what is absolutely necessary. This is a tough thing because you can go a long time without seeing somebody and still maintain feelings for them- I once held feelings for almost a full year for somebody that I never saw once during that time, before they finally started to fade. The length of time that this takes varies from person to person.

 

3) Takes a tremendous amount of willpower, and I'm not sure it is possible, but it would require major commitment and brainpower on your part.

 

How is your current relationship with your girlfriend? If it's going well, my suggestion would be #2- avoid this girl and use the extra time putting time in to your current relationship.

 

What do you think?

[Superfreak]

I don't know what to say. The typical advice given is to put your energy in to finding another girl instead...but you have a girlfriend already. I'll echo the above and say to put your energy in to your current relationship to see if theirs any future there.

 

If it helps at all, despite what you think theirs no way she's as great a person as you think she is. You know her as a friend and people, girls in particular, are often nothing but sunshine to their casual acquaintences but alot more.....nuanced once in a relationship.

 

I went through a similar thing in that I had a crush on a friend back in highschool for about 6 or 8 months. A year later the same girl went to my College and I saw her again somewhat regularely but I didn't have any of the strong feelings for her that I once did. At best I could say now that she's pretty (but not as pretty as I remember her being). Maybe what may have helped is that I got a bit of closure in that she ultimately ended up rejecting me and I ended up with a girl that was ultimately a far better match then she was at the time.

[Haven]

Either you break up with your current girlfriend and ask out this girl, OR you get over her. ASAP. It sounds like you've wasted a LOT of time on her already. You remind me of this guy I know who has wasted almost an entire year pining after this girl who is lesbian. He keeps thinking she'll magically become straight again, or bisexual. False. This will never happen. He has lost multiple opportunities with girls because he's wasting all his time on a girl who will never, ever date him.

 

Seriously, ask her out. Break up with your current girlfriend if you have to. If this girl accepts, then that will be great. If she rejects you, then you now have a reason to stop being her friend, due to all the hurt/humiliation that will ensue. Either way, you'll get over her.

 

Of course, if you can't make yourself do that, then you'll have to stop talking to her. Block her screen name if you have to. It all comes down to who you value more: yourself or her. If it's her, then stop wasting time on self-pity and just ask her out already. If you value yourself more, then distance yourself from her and focus on your own life.

[tireofbeingalone]

This is strictly based on my own experience and opinion. I like this girl for over 8 years, since we are in elementary. I never have the courage to ask her out or let her know about how I feel about her. All of my friends and her friends knows I like her. Heck, even she knows I like her. I am 28 now and regretting every minute not asking her out. I think you owe it to yourself to at least know how she feels about you. In my situation, I don't have a girlfriend at that time. But I just want you to know that not attempting to ask out the biggest crush of my life is probably one the biggest regret I have in my life. Hope this painful experience of mine help.

[Dorkydoo]

A crush for this long is largely based on fantasy - you often focus on the positive aspects that you know about this person and fill in the rest with fantasies that you consider ideal. Until you either go after the person you have a crush on and experience rejection or date them and get to know who they really are as a person, the crush isn't going to just go away.

 

But, you are both in committed relationships with different people and neither of you are aware of each other’s feelings combined with the fact that she may not have similar feelings towards you.

 

Recently, someone I have known for about the same time admitted to having feelings towards me and that he had harbored them for quite some time. I have always been fond of him but never considered the "possibility" because he has been in a RL for the past two years. We both admitted to having the same feelings towards each other but it was not something I could openly discuss given the situation and out of respect to his current GF. We both agreed that we could not pursue anything and should not correspond.

 

So, you owe it to yourself and your partner to remain committed to one another and to work out your differences first, WITHOUT someone else in the picture. So for the sake of your current RL, that means maintaining distance from this other girl however possible. If things don't work out with your current GF, then you can always explore the possibility of a relationship with this other girl. Sometimes it just boils down to timing; if it was meant to be then it will be.

 

At least, that's how I see it........