Divorce?

[sunnyangel]

My husband and I are great friends and good partners but we do not have a sexual relationship. I thought I was pretty happily married despite that. It frustrated me sometimes and I certainly envied others but I thought having a great partner in other ways was enough. But, then I met someone and we instantly had an undeniable connection. Physically, we were attracted to each other, too, but that did not happen right away.

 

I felt I "cheated" the first time I even spoke to this man but I have never really felt guilty about the relationship. I've felt sad that I can't have everything with my husband and sad that I can't live with my lover....oh, I don't even like referring to him that way. We are very much in love. It's deep and very real. He wants to marry me and I would certainly marry him if I was single.

 

I feel the only way to be honest at this point is to divorce my husband. I love him but it's not a romantic love. I don't want to live the rest of my life with just part of a marriage but I don't want to hurt him (or our friends and family) either.

 

If my marriage was "bad" or if I was terribly unhappy, this would make more sense. I know I'm not the first to live with a sexless marriage. I keep thinking life's too short to "settle."

 

I would appreciate anyone's thoughts and advice.

 

Married 17 years, no kids.

[headunderwater]

Why is your marriage sexless? Was your husband willing to work on this? Were you? I think the only thing you can do is, confess, break it off and try to fix your marriage. Or divorce. You can't have your cake and eat it to unless your husband is cool with it.

[redhearts]

I see this as you don't want to work it out with your husband and counseling really does nothing. But you should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel.

 

The way you said that you don't want to live the rest of your life with just a part of marriage etc.. and that you aren't being pleased, to me reasons to divorce. Especially if you found someone else that you say you are in love with.

 

Although don't confuse it with infatuation, because I doubt you know this man for very long and you won't know if hes a bad person at the end.

 

Once you lose your husband I don't think you could get him back in this case.

 

Your doing the having your cake and eating it too thing as mention above, thats a big no no. Tell your husband he will help you divorce him.

[CallingAllAngels]

Do your husband a favor and divorce him.

 

There is more to a marriage than just sex.

 

My husband had affairs on me and I was devastated.

 

Would it have been okay with you if your husband slept around on you?

 

Just divorce him. Let him find someone who respects him.

 

~Allie

[darkblue]

I believe you are already cheating - emotionally.

 

I think it's very important to sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him that you are frustrated that you have no sexual relationship, and try and sort it out. If you cannot, then you could move on knowing that you tried.

 

Are there children involved?

[sunnyangel]

We never had a great sex life, even when we were first dating. My husband just doesn't seem interested. We've talked about it many times and he says he finds me very attractive (I'm pretty average, I'd say) but that never materializes into a romantic relationship. We hold hands when we walk and give each other a peck in the morning...that's it.

[whichwayisup]

Was this a problem in the start of your relationship?

 

I have a dear friend going through similar feelings.

She loves her husband, but they do not have sex.

However, when they were dating and engaged, they didn't have much sex either.

She assumed that would change once they got married, but people don't really change in that regard.

 

Have you discussed your needs with your H before?

Have you gone to MC?

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but what you're doing just isn't fair; it's selfish.

I just went through a break up due to infidelity, and it has been painful beyond belief.

 

Please choose to either go to MC and work on your marriage, or allow your husband to find a woman who loves him completely.

[CallingAllAngels]

We never had a great sex life, even when we were first dating. My husband just doesn't seem interested. We've talked about it many times and he says he finds me very attractive (I'm pretty average, I'd say) but that never materializes into a romantic relationship. We hold hands when we walk and give each other a peck in the morning...that's it.

 

So that gives you the right to have an affair?

 

Do you remember promising him forever?

 

In my opinion, you should have done the right thing and gotten out of your marriage before you cheated.

 

How do you think he's going to feel when you tell him?

 

I can tell you...he's going to be devastated.

[headunderwater]

We never had a great sex life, even when we were first dating. My husband just doesn't seem interested. We've talked about it many times and he says he finds me very attractive (I'm pretty average, I'd say) but that never materializes into a romantic relationship. We hold hands when we walk and give each other a peck in the morning...that's it.

 

Do you want to fix this? Or do you want to lose him? And does he want to fix this? Or does he want to lose you?

[sunnyangel]

I don't think ANYTHING gives me the right to have an affair. It's confusing...I do respect my husband and fully understand and appreciate all that we have in our relationship. I totally agree that marriage is about 99% more than sex. But that is what I think I'm missing and I struggle with knowing that could be for the rest of my life. I'm trying to be honest with myself about this so that I can be honest with others.

[CallingAllAngels]

I don't think ANYTHING gives me the right to have an affair. It's confusing...I do respect my husband and fully understand and appreciate all that we have in our relationship. I totally agree that marriage is about 99% more than sex. But that is what I think I'm missing and I struggle with knowing that could be for the rest of my life. I'm trying to be honest with myself about this so that I can be honest with others.

 

But you have NOT been honest with your husband...how can you say you are being 99% honest when you have already had an affair? You said you had a "lover", or have you not yet cheated?????

[HeartGoesOn]

I think that if you weren't happy in the marriage, you should have got out before this happened.

 

It never works when you jump into another relationship, while still in your current one.

 

You are cheating on your husband, Can you live with that?

[whichwayisup]

I'd start with just being honest with him.

 

Had my SO been up front with me from the start about his confusion and feelings, I might have had more respect for him in the end.

 

However, he instead chose to keep those feeling to himself and lie to two women while he "figured things out." In the end, it was a total mess and two people were completely devastated as a result.

 

Please just be honest with him about what you're feeling.

[darkblue]

I would say that sex is an important aspect of any relationship.

 

It is important that you communicate your concerns with him

[sunnyangel]

I understand what everyone is saying...I am trying to figure out the best way. I appreciate your comments. I really am trying to do the right thing. I think a few of you might have misread my posts but I get the message...not new thoughts to me. Thanks.

[CallingAllAngels]

Maybe if the shoe was on the other foot you might not be so laid back about the whole thing......

[redhearts]

I start with you two were dating and he didn't F you so much or anything yet you still married him. Like quit kidding yourself and divorce him. He deserves someone better or he just may be gay, sorry, but hey if a guy is just completely backing away his sex drive is way too low, he needs help or hes gay.

 

I'm 100% agreeing with allie.

 

If your husband came on here and said, I'm in love with someone. My wife isn't sexual with me. Oh no its not like cheating, but I want to marry this other woman or what not, hmm divorce? YOU BE F'n PISSED.

[CallingAllAngels]

I start with you two were dating and he didn't F you so much or anything yet you still married him. Like quit kidding yourself and divorce him. He deserves someone better or he just may be gay, sorry, but hey if a guy is just completely backing away his sex drive is way too low, he needs help or hes gay.

 

I'm 100% agreeing with allie.

 

Thank you...I'd give you rep but I have to "spead the love" around again before I can give it back to you.

 

This is a terrible situation, and to just say "well, he just doesn't want sex, so I'll just get it else where" is unthinkable.

 

You promised him forever. Did you forget that?

 

Again...what if the shoe was on the other foot? How are you gonna look at this man and tell him what you did?

[redhearts]

If anything I don't think she man up to tell her husband the truth and say some bs excuse to divorce him. Your husband deserves to know and not wonder what went wrong. Thats totally unfair.

 

"For better or worse.." They should add.. "With sex or no sex.. " LOL

[CallingAllAngels]

As someone who lived through infidelity, trust me, it is the WORST kind of pain...

 

I would not want to be the one to inflict it on another.

[sunnyangel]

I realize that my marriage has some flaws and I've never before been so concerned about the lack of a physical relationship. I have to say that I was never totally happy with it but he's such a great man that I looked at the balance and considered myself blessed. Every marriage has some rocks in the road and we've had our share of minor ones.

 

I've been spending a considerable amount of time with elderly people recently and so many of them live in the past and live with regret. I've faced the death of good friends too early and realize life is so precious. I know that to say I want it all is very selfish and I do want it all for my husband, too. I suppose what writing in this forum is all about me deciding if I do indeed want it all. Will I be happy for the rest of my life in this marriage? Of course, I thought I would be when I took my vows so this is very serious to me. I do not have a laid-back attitude about it. I have tried to speak to my husband about our relationship many times over the years. He doesn't ever seem to really hear what I am saying so I need to find a clearer way. I have suspected a couple times that he was gay or that he was having an affair (as an explanation to our situation) but I don't think that is true. It's possible he's gay and he's fighting it. When he was younger, gay men thought he was gay. The last time we spoke about this, he said he loved me and that he wanted our marriage to get back to the way it used to be (when we were first married). We spent a lot more time together then. We have always been very good friends and had fun together.

 

Over the years, I think I've grown resentful of many things in our marriage. I've tried to be patient and work through the issues but I haven't always spoken to my husband about how I was feeling. I understand now what a huge mistake that was. Sex is just one example...if I had been very honest with him from the beginning about my desires, maybe we could have worked it out before it dwindled to nothing. Now, it would be very awkward and artificial to try to bring that back into our relationship. Our love has really evolved into "buddies." That doesn't make me unhappy on a day to day basis but it does make me think about the future.

 

I have never thought that "having my cake and eating it too" was a solution nor do I think sex is essential for a good marriage. For me personally, maybe a physical relationship is important for the way I feel about myself and my self-esteem. I've felt pretty bad about myself at times because I didn't have that in my life, especially since I am married.

 

I thank you for your honest responses. It's important for me to look at this from all angles.

[novaseeker]

It's pretty normal for people to want to have sexuality play a significant role in their relationship with their spouse. It's not something you should beat yourself up about at all -- it's a legitimate and common need, and there are many people who would not stay in a sexless marriage, because they want regular sex in their lives.

 

To me, the most appropriate way to approach this is to have an honest and open conversation with your husband about it. It very well may be that you cannot have a sexual relationship with him (your point about not being able to rehabilitate it for example), but that's a conversation you should have openly. If you come to the conclusion that this aspect of the relationship isn't capable of being changed, and you know what your needs are in this area, the most fair thing to do for both of you would be to split up -- staying in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs simply builds resentment and bitterness over time, and that's not good for either of you.

 

As for your husband, he may have orientation issues, he may have a low libido, there could be other things at play -- it's hard to know. But you *can* know what your needs are, and whether they are capable of being met in this relationship and/or whether you think you both are capable of changing the relationship enough to get your needs met.

[Excalibur]

Would he agree to you having a lover discretely?

[sunnyangel]

oh, no, not my cup of tea.

[Excalibur]

Then, you get to do the "contract" evaluation, it appears.

 

If your lifestyle, your combined finances, options, security is worth retaining - stay in this relationship - stop putting yourself into the pit of temptation...and accept what is.

 

That's the contractual terms under which you got into this agreement.

 

If you find that you want a more fuflilling sexual life, you're willing to split the assets, start over in some regards, etc....then do that. It won't guarrantee that you're going to find someone that wants a sexual relationship - but you're quite likely to find sexual gratification if you're not looking for the next person in your life to make you more financially optioned, personally or socially identified, etc.