"The One"

[musashi]

Ah, the elusive and vague "The One". I want to know what that means. It has baffled and frustrated me ever since I got dumped with that excuse (actually, that was not the reason I was dumped but that is what I was told in a closure email a week later). I hear woman refer to "The One" much more than I do men. Why is that?

 

Do people believe that there is only one person out there that is the perfect match? What if you find "The One" but you are not their "The One"? Are you out of luck then because your "The One" is now gone? Does that mean you have to find "The Two"? Or is it "The Second"? With a 50% divorce rate in America, I would have to think there are a great many people out there that have no idea what "The One" means and got it totally wrong. Does "The One" actually exist or is it a myth? People change constantly so is it not more appropriate to say "The One for Right Now and Hopefully in the Future"? Why do people end relationships because they do not see a future with someone? Are they psychic? They see a past and a now but not a future so that is reason to end it? That makes no sense. With 6 billion people in the world, finding "The One" seems like an impossibility with only a very lucky few able to do so.

 

My ex told me that she did not think that I was "The One". However, she had been married and divorced a year and a half before I met her. Their marriage only lasted a little over a year when he walked out on her. He treated her like crap (her words), called her names, crushed her self esteem, cheated on her, left her with nothing. She was devastated because he was "The One". Obviously, she was wrong. I would have to think that any definition of "The One" would have to include someone who will stick by you and never leave you. Would'nt it seem logical that her ability to recognize the one should be in question? How can someone make such a huge error in judgement and then still trust that ability to judge? Are people who believe in "The One" doomed to jump from relationship to relationship until they finally just settle on less? That question arises in reference to my ex because she is 30, always had a boyfriend but her marriage was the longest lasting relationship she ever had at just over a year long. Most of her relationships were between the 3-9 month range.

 

To me, saying that a person is not "The One" is only a simple way to say "I want to try someone else" and removes the dumper from having to explain further. In other words, it is a cop-out. I am open to further understanding, however, so I pose the question: What are your thoughts on the meaning of "The One"?

[CynicalGuitarist]

if you want my opinion... I don't believe there is such a thing as a "soulmate". I'd say it's mostly luck and serendepity. I know people who have monogamy work for them, and I'm happy for them... but I know even more people (mostly chauvenist guys tho... ironicly, they're religious, too) who just want sex. I'm very conflicted on who is truly "happier" and "more fulfilled". The reason I don't believe in "the one" is because of the simple fact that there are over 6 billion people in the world. Chances are... there's probably someone better for you than your significant other... it mostly links back to different luck and serendepity and proximity reasons. I think we humans are simply (or not so simply) a bunch of confused animals... torn between instinct and progress.

 

Me? I've decided, if I don't end up finding my SO the honest way... might as well get a mail-order bride. Hell, it's a helluva lot less unethical than an escort, imho.

[eurocar]

I agree. People tend to attribute to some higher power that which is more easily and logically attributable to fortuity, randomness, and the basic, instinctual compatibility of humans.

 

Soul mates don't necessarily exist, but that doesn't mean we can't find somebody with whom we may be forever happy and in love. Like you said, there are six billion people out there; monogamy may or may not be intrinsic (I actually believe that to some extent, it is), but chances are that out of the many people around you, you'll find one that you deeply love and "can't" live without.

[Machiavelli]

You'll know if the "one" exists when you find them.

 

Until then, everyone is just a stepping stone...

 

The "one" exists. Trust me.

[wayoverit]

The one is someone who matches all the things you ever expected in a partner, and vice versa. They are usually "the one" until a final breakup is resolved, in which case they be called "the ex".

[Clementine orange]

The world's population can be divided into two parts - peeps who think there is a "one" and those who don't.

 

I don't. It doesn't even make sense that there would be otherwise there would be a heckofalot of unhappy mismatched couples out there.

[Clementine orange]

The one is someone who matches all the things you ever expected in a partner, and vice versa. They are usually "the one" until a final breakup is resolved, in which case they be called "the ex".

 

lol, sad but true. They are "the one" until they are not.

[musashi]

So far, only guys have answered and 3 out of five do not agree with the notion of "The One" with wayoverit giving a neutral answer (but I like it). Interesting. Come on girls, I would really like to hear your views.

 

You'll know if the "one" exists when you find them.

 

Until then, everyone is just a stepping stone...

 

The "one" exists. Trust me.

 

I did find what I thought was the girl for me, or "The One" as I know it by definition. Is it not possible that love comes in many different forms, some recognizable, some not, and most require a great deal of work and nurturing instead of a simple placing of a puzzle piece? Is it not just as possible to grow to love someone as it is to fall out of love? And is it just as possible to have that as a recurring theme in a relationship? A cycle, if you will, that requires determination to get through the rough spots and glowing passion in the good ones?

 

I have loved all of my girlfriends. I have loved all of my girlfriends differently. There were different things about each of them I adored and disliked. None of them were perfect matches. They all required work and attention from both parties. As soon as one partner stopped the work, the relationship was doomed. No matter how hard the other partner works, if one stops, the party is over. It is like rowing a boat. If only one does the rowing the boat only goes in circles. I think that the idea that there is someone out there that will fit so snugly that no work is required to maintain the relationship is an illusion. It might be possible to find someone who requires less work or someone who is willing to work harder for you but that still involves work, not luck.

 

I think the notion of a soulmate has ruined many relationships. Once the "honeymoon" is over and the work begins, or when a down spot in the cycle is hit, or someone new and interesting comes along, it is so tempting to think "Hey, there is probably somebody out there who I will be in love with all the time who will be in love with me all the time and we will be perfect for each other all the time. All I have to do is keep searching." I think by that definition I just described, a "soulmate" or "The One" is simply somebody who is willing to work as hard and as often at the relationship as you are.

[CynicalGuitarist]

...

Yes, for some people, you are not The One means: "we are at the point where it is starting to involve work and I don't want to have to work because if it was true love we wouldn't have to work at it". Just like in fairly tales.

 

So, what if the relationship really IS harmful... is it worth the hurt for the sake of "having to make it work"? Where, in fact, should someone draw that line?

[musashi]

Mushahsi, you're back!!

 

I think people have overly romantized notions of what love and The One is. That is why as soon as problems in a relationship emerge (as they ALWAYS will, we are human), they bolt because they think it should be like a fairy tale, but life is no fairy tale and should not be treated as such. Life takes hard work.

 

Hey, Misskitty! Yes, I took a break as I was healing rather well after an incident last week. I decided to step back and enjoy the moment. I am going to post a topic on what happened soon - nothing real dramatic it was just eye opening for me.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with your summation. There will always be pain in this life, even people who have the best life have to deal with pain and suffering. As I like to say, dying is the easy part. Alot of times a person will get into a position in a relationship where they can walk away with very little pain and they take advantage of that moment. They have found someone else, "lost" the love, get tired of trying, or long for that romanticized love you mentioned. They somehow forget the love that they once had and do not realize that it will come back around, let alone how much it is going to hurt the other person when they walk away. Most of them look for that quick fix, continuing their pattern of doomed relationships, leaving us shocked and still holding on to the oar, paddling our boat alone in circles.

[musashi]

So, what if the relationship really IS harmful... is it worth the hurt for the sake of "having to make it work"? Where, in fact, should someone draw that line?

 

It takes two to make a relationship work. When one partner is not doing their part, the relationship is doomed. There are points in every relationship where one partner will slack off and the other has to take up the extra workload but it is when one partner quits totally trying that it is time to walk away.

 

A good analogy is going to the gym. It is always best to have a work out partner because there are going to be days where you do not feel like working out but you will because they are depending on you being there. Plus, they probably will feel like working out and they will get you in the mood. However, if you consistently go to the gym and they never show up, or show up but do nothing or, worse yet, show up and disrupt your workout, you will eventually find a new workout partner.

 

I think the "line in the sand" of a relationship is where one partner stops trying, and after a period of time of carrying their load, you see that they are not going to try. Then the party is over. Unfortunately for most of us here, the other party quit trying long before we realized, faking it until they could run away relatively unscathed.

[greywolf]

Nope, I don't think it exists. I will admit that sometimes that thought comes into my head. There's been times when I thought my ex was 'the one'. Not because I really believe in it, but because I was being really romantic at the moment. hehehe

[pumpkinmoon]

I always used to believe in "The One" but now I am not so sure.

 

I think it now means.... Someone who you meet and fall in love with, someone who you get along with and who understands you, someone you are happy with and someone you could not imagine living your life without.

 

Of course I do not think there is just one person in the world for every one, there are many people who you could have these things with.

 

If there was just one person for every one imagine how hard it would be to find them and the factors involved which would include things like.... being of a similar age, living in the same country to secure at least a chance of meeting, being in the exact same place at the exact right time...... So based on this, no, I don't believe in "the one" but I do believe there are many people out there who we could be happy with.

[tazthecat]

Ahhhhh, "the One"..Gotta put that right up there with Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy...Nice concepts, but utterly void of grace.

The term "the One", simply means that the most perfect human being in all the universe will make me happy, be perfect in every way, and will have wings to fly me through the sunlit clouds.. O'k., Cinderella,storys over, you lost the shoe already, now go buy another one..

 

People feel the need to place the highest degree of perfection in a relationship..If they are everything they dream about, then they are the "One"..Lots of people don't settle till they find the "One", hence old men and women whom never married or had kids..

 

Forget looking for MR or MRS perfect..Forget looking for the "One"..How about if we all just settle for the "Sane".

[tazthecat]

...

Hey, Taz, don't talk about me like that, lol! JK/ Some of us just have bad luck in relationships or have made very bad choices. I am not holding out for The One, I just have made some bad choices, plus it is harder to meet people when you get older (say, after 35...)..

 

I agree, totaly, kitty..I'll be sporting 40 tomorrow, and the prospect of having to start all over after 8 yrs is daunting.

But instead of looking for the "one", I'll be looking for "the one for right now, hope to god she's not psychotic"..

[Litgirl01]

I love this post...the humor alone makes it worth a read! I think there are many posibilities out there for any one person! I think what they mean by "can't see a future" is that they just don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore for whatever reason! I heard a whole plethora of cliche's and excuses!