confused- don't know what I should do

[crickett200]

I have been married for 10 years and we have always had problems. The biggest one that never goes away, is the amount of time my husband spends working. He works a job that is stressfull and he puts in probably 45-50 hours a week. If that was all that he did, it would not be a problem. We have a small farm- 130 acres with about 25 cows. He always finds odd jobs to keep him busy. I would say that he is a work aholic. I am not a high maintenance woman. I am very easy going, passive and patient. I have waited and waited for him to slow down to spend some time with me. I have 4 children, he has 3 both from previous marriages. His kids are grown and out on their own. His girls do not have anything to do with me. His son has been great and treats me and my kids with the upmost repsect. my kids love thier step dad, even though he barely has time for them. He is nice to them, he has provided a nice home for us, he has helped one of my daughters with college expense. One of my daughters is a RN the other is a school teacher. My oldest son is in the air force, my youngest is a sophmore in high school. My husband as I said does not have a lot of time for them. He will on occasion go to my youngest school activities. We don't go to the movies, we go out to eat once in a while and when we do, it is usually with kids. When I ask for some of his time is when the fight starts and it escalates into a major battle. I feel like I support him in all the odd jobs that he does, I feel I am a very good wife. HE does not help with the inside work, he does however make sure my car is running and in good repair. He changes the oil and whatever else it may need. I feel like I cut him slack all the time, I try to understand that he is working the extra jobs to make money. I don't nag him very often for us to do things. he doesn't communicate that often with me. If he is out of town on business, I am the last person he calls at the end of his day. When he is at home, he feels since we sleep together, we wake up together, that their is no need for communication through out the day. That when he gets home arond 10 of an evening, that is good enough to have a brief conversation then. I have told him I would like more communication. I get told I am too needy and have insecurities. If I ask him to take a time out from his odd jobs and spend some time with me, I get told I throw fits and just cause him trouble. He basically is a good man, but he doesn't know how to be in a marriage and how to compromise. I cry a lot of the time. I am lonely and miserable. we will have a few good weeks, but then something comes up and I need him to stop and I get told I am unrealistic and don't have a clue what it takes to keep our home going. I work outside the home also. I pay all the grocery bills, I do all the grocery shopping, I pay the water bill, the cable, the phone. I pay for anything that we may need, like furniture. I don't know what to do. I really don't want a divorce. I just want to know how to cope with my life the way it is.

[melrich]

but he doesn't know how to be in a marriage and how to compromise.

 

I think you are right. I think he has substituted the role of provider for the role of husband. He probably feels "What more does she want?".

 

I'd stongly suggest some professional counselling for both of you.

[crickett200]

you are so right. He says that all the time that he does everything for me and doesn't know what more I want. I don't think he will go to another counselor. We have been to counselors in the past. The last one was about two years ago.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. have you told him you would like a regular 'date night' - like a friday night - and it's just the two of you, having dinner or watching a movie together? doesn't have to be anything fancy. i'd definitely tell him he's doing a great job providing for the family and for you and works very hard, but that you want to spend more 'couple time' with him.