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The In-hate process


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Following my break up, I came up with a process that has allowed me to step away from her and to stop feeling so emotional and to stop myself from contacting her. It's called the In-hate process. It helped me to step away from that person and the love emotions long enough to get myself on the right track.


When you fall for someone, you fall In-love, which sends you a bit nutty in the head for that certain person. The in-love is a short term thing that turns into that long term love feeling we've also all felt. Well in-hate is the opposite of the in-love effect. We do it anyway when we break up, with anger and bitterness, so I just put a name to it.


Soon after the break up, manifest your dislike for your ex. Write a list of the things that he/she did that you didn't like and include the break up and the things they have said during it. Then whenever you think of them and miss them, review your list, think about the bad things, think to yourself "no I don't miss her/him, she broke up with me, the b*tch"


If you have contact with them, make it brief and to the point, even be short. Don't be angry with them, or bitter, it's a self healing process, not a revenge tactic. And remember, it is a short term thing to allow you to get control of your rampaging emotions, it is not a long term thing.


Often at night, when I start thinking of her, I often say "get out of my head, you don't deserve my time" and the thought tends to go away.


I will always love her, like I will always love my other past girlfriends, but right now, I am in-hate with her and it's helping. I find less and less that I am thinking about her, and I am more and more not wanting to contact her.


Has anyone else used a similar process?

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I think time is the only healer, and we have all the time in the world right now!


Yes, time is the healer, but do I wish to sit at home and cry because it's over? Do I wish to just sit back and feel lonely and miss her and want to contact her and then feel bad when I do. And break down when I contact her?


No I!


It's hard yes, it will take time yes, but I'm going to help myself in the meanwhile.


Active not passive.

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a list about all the bad things is that it would be depressingly short.....


what would i do then??


That's a good question. I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you would be able to come up with a list of at least ten. Did he squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong end, did he leave the toilet seat up etc etc if you can't find anything concrete. The objective is to make him seem a little worse than your emotions make him out to be.


Your heart may be saying you miss him, he is wonderful, etc etc, but you want to try to convince yourself that he isn't ass good as you make him out to be. Remember this is only supposed to begin and enhance the healing process, often allowing you to step away from still wanting him and starting to think rationally about it all.


I do also hope things work out before you have to try this, but the fact you are already here preparing yourself for the worst could suggest that inside you think it is the end.


We'll be here through this with you whichever way it goes.

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How can I change my username?


And the list things is a very good idea if you were treated badly by someone who you loved very much. I will share a little bit of mine with you, remember though, me and her lived 150 miles away from each other.


* She never came out with me to a pub or club for a few drinks or some fun. If we did rarely go out then it was either with her mates or her family.


* She didn't give one meaningful thing up for us in 21 months (I can't think of ONE thing!!). And I tried my very best to treat her like a princess and did everything humanly possible to make her happy.


* Whenever I asked small things of her, she never did them (i.e. not texting her mates when we went out for the day {remembering that I only saw her every 4 weeks for 1 a few days and saving up money so that we could do good things). Furthermore, when she didn't do these little things it always led to eneviatble arguments.


* She never wanted to discuss our problems and she let the tension build up without telling me she was unhappy with anything.


* She always put her mates first, even some let that let her down quite badly in the past. If she tried equally hard with me and her mates then I would've been happy.


* And after I did so much for her I hardly ever got a "thank you" or "cheers" off her. And after a while she expected me to keep doing all these things even though some were humanly impossible after a while. And when I didn't give 'as much' (but I still gave a lot up for her regardless) up for her she felt like I didn't love her as much as I used to, which was rubbish like I told her.


* She never fought for me when I told her that I would make her happy regardless of my feelings. She accepted things with me too easily and gave up on us as it seems like we were coming to the end of the arguments.


Like I say, there's more but I won't bore you with them.

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this one is a great healing process, today i felt great. it's been 5 weeks when she broke it up and still thinking of her. early this morning, i still keep thinking of her and i coudn't do my work properly. what i did is to program my mind that she doesn't love me and not hoping that she'll be back. and i my feelings feel great and I did good in my work today.

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Hey dude, am not sure how to change your username, but I think you are taking the right steps by writing down the list. Now focus on it whenever you feel depressed about her.


What we need is for more people to list some of the things their ex's did. Hmmm, perhaps I'll post a thread on that...

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Keyman, I think you are right about being "In-Hate". It works most of the time.


When you are betrayed by someone you were openly devoted to, sometimes anger/hate works.


I supplement with music. The most hateful-inspiring nonsense I can find. Slayer comes to mind as well as a few others that can aurally assault my thoughts and break or chip away at the offender lurking in my mind. This does not mean you are a hateful person, but just using it to abolish the thoughts attempting to drag you down. It doesn't work for everyone.


Hate heals sometimes.

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Most of his problems comes from his mother...she is the #1 culprit in his life. He allows her to sabotage his plans...he is weak minded.


His drug addiction is another thing I absolutely dislike....he disappears for days at a time and comes back all dirty, crying, and personally I find that very unattractive in a man.


No job for over 3 years and I had been supporting him, which I stopped doing awhile ago...once in awhile I buy him a sandwhich in the store...I am not cold hearted.


He is HIV + and bipolar, which is a bad combination especially with shooting up drugs he has to take very hard meds for his conditions....He also has Hep C.


He cannot make good decisions and allows people to manipulate him.


Sad part is deep down he is good person that is in alot of pain. It tears me up inside because I can see the pain in his eyes. He is a recovered alcoholic, clean and sober for over 10 years, but he is prone to addictions.


Short fuse, he gets mad on a whim and he is very sloppy...lack of personal hygiene and no motivation to do anything.


He doesn't strive for a better life and seize opportunities that come his way.


He says he still loves me and that he is very attracted to me, but his brains are all jacked up.


Unfortunately, I told him, I cannot help him anymore and it's better we are friends...I tried to hate him, but I cannot...he is a person who is suffering terribly even at his own accord, he is mentally ill. I am a compassionate person and I work in the medical field saving lives so I cannot hate him...yet I cannot sacrifice my own future. I do wish him the best in life.


He has no self-esteem or confidence...he needs constant reassurance of himself and if I still love him...I am wore out from all of this, but at the same time I am sad.


I have always been a strong person my whole life mentally and physically and this has been my greatest challenge and my greatest heartache...the one time in my life I allowed myself to give my heart to someone it was torn to pieces....I know he didn't mean to, but when a person doesn't love them self then they cannot love you.


Sorry for the long post, but I am a very detailed person.


His mother did him a great injustice since he was a child and it's caused him a very hard life...and I am afraid the outcome for him will be death.


I cannot save him...I only have the power to save myself.


We don't have control over what other people do and never think it's your fault whether they lie, cheat or anything else...it's that person's insecurity that causes them to do these things...they do things to make themselves feel like they are worthy, attractive to the opposite sex, or to feel self-worth. When in reality it all boils down to finding the love within you!


Good luck and write me anytime if you wish to talk...I would be glad to listen.


Have a blessed day/night.

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Oh I so wish I could hate my ex! I just can't hate him for some reason, I keep thinking of the man I was with for three years... not the a**hole that dumped me and ran to his ex to sleep with her... for some reason that STILL cannot make me hate him. Grrrrr!


Hi Missingmymo,

It's still pretty early for you, but I am surprised considering how he betrayed you that you are not more angry. I do sense that you are a little angry about what has occurred, but still trying to get through your head that he is gone. When it is ready you will let it out and I'm sure you will have at least a few things to put down here.

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I did just find out that he is most likely sleeping with his ex so maybe it hasn't fully sunk in and maybe the doubt that it might not be happening..and I think that since I know its not a relationship he is pursuing with her and that they're using eachother for good times (sick!) I dunno, I think I'm just in denial. I know he does not want to be with this girl, she is untrust worthy, and really dirty... ewww and he is potentially sleeping with her! I don't know what's wrong with me I just can't get it in my head to be mad, I just keep remembering the absolutely fabulous person he was and hopefully still is... I hope this is some pre mid life crisis and needs to get it out of his systems, but then again I do think I deserve better then all of this. I want the angry stage, I think that is what he deserves right now (not that I'm going to contact him when I get angry, I'm in 20+ days NC) *sigh* thanks Keyman

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My God dreamwarrior, looks like your ex has dragged you through some muddy times. You're very compassionate to have supported him in the way you have for so long.


But, granted, people's histories play a big part in their behaviour and how they relate to others.


My ex was very insecure, and I think deep down very unhappy which tore me apart. However, I cannot be his emotional crutch/counsellor as it is too big a big cross to bear. He ought to get counselling and try to heal the pain caused from past hurts.

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I think you are starting to seeing the understanding beginning to plossum inside you. The first part of the healing process is taking him off the pedistal that you have him on. Just keep reminding yourself that ... he left you to go back to someone he doesn't like, someone that disgusts you. I guess it is normal to think it's just a phase, but do you really want him back after he has been sleeping with miss skanky pants? I had a metaphor to use for this, but it was totally gross, so I wont use it.


You are on the right track. Stick with the NC. Try chatting to some guys, feel flirty even if it's hard. This will begin the process of getting your self esteem back on track.


And as always, we are here as a cyber shoulder to cry on and a large set of warm arms to give you a cyber hug.

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Thanks Keyman I need to hear all of this stuff, so I really appreciate it. I need to get the person I thought he was out of my head. This person does not exsist anymore. I'm feeling pretty good this afternoon, I've been trying to work on myself and try to go back to the confident person I was and still am, somewhere in there! lol... I wore a cute dress to work today and gots lots of compliments so that made me feel good, then I get to come here and talk to more fantastic people - gives me hope.


NC I shall continue..


Oh and I should mention, I work with two of his very good friends that he is with every weekend, so yes I have been happy as can be at work, flirting and having fun - I have now added dressing way more adorable or look hot as hell.. if anything is being reported to him about me I want it to be that I am a happy and confident person. However, hearing those same people talk to my ex and make plans for the weekend, not so fun!


thanks again for letting me rant!

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From what you are saying, you are further ahead in the ehaling pattern than you think. You are already increasing your self-esteem. You are showing his friends that you do not miss him and are getting on with your life. You are starting to feel good about yourself and are moving on to a better place in your head. From what you've described, he is nowhere near what you think he is and as time goes on, he will become less of this shining Adonis and more a no-hoper.


Doesn't it feel great?!


Oh and...no fair! Where are our pictures?

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i think i am at the stage where i am hating my ex.

i hope you are doing better than me..

take care..


Hey sweet Sharon, you don't sound so good. Why do you think your are at the angry stage. Tell us what's going on at the moment.

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time= apathy= next please.


Apathy? Yeah, I feel bad about apathy for my first EX (the reason i joined this forum in the first place- but that one has been almost a year old), yet I seem to care about EX number 2 more- even though she was a spiteful mean-spirited person.


Reasons to hate EX 2;


* I hate the fact I never got meet any of her family and friends, and that she acted like she had something to hide.


* I hate the way she broke up with me- getting me so angry that it almost gave her pleasure to see me broken and upset.


* I hate her for using everything I told her against me is such a harsh fashion.


* I hate her for criticising me for using the term "girlfriend" too quickly, and yet she was the one (with all her plethora of relationship experience) said those three words in "I love you" so quickly.


* I hate her for breaking up with me meanly, when she did end it two weeks prior in a reasonable fashion, only to have her come back the next day and get back together. She even said to me, that she would usually change her number after she breaks up with someone, but with me it "is different". Then two weeks later she dumps me again.


* I hate her for our post-break up conversation on the phone where she couldn't even wish me the best in life.


* I hate her for the 3 months of NC that has been endured by us both.


* Most of all, I hate her because i felt she played games with me, and she got to criticise the * * * * out of me during our relationship.

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Yeah, can't wait for him to be a no-hoper!! I'd say I'm doing good with the feeling good about myself most of the time, I do know that I will find someone else but my mornings are still started with feeling crappy & sometimes crying in the shower - but keeping my head high. I do admit it is starting to be easier and it does feel great. But of course I will wonder how he can hug me, say you will always be my Mo "stupid pet name" and then three weeks later not even a call. Oh well, what's done is done...


HAHA I'll have to wear the dress again and take some pictures, I've decided I'm all about dresses this spring/summer! They make you feel good!

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