i wonder: was i too nice to her?

[Gold]

as i think about my lost relationship, i can't help but wonder if i lost her because i was 'too good' to her.

 

i've had relationships fall apart because i was too ambivalent, also, but in those cases, well, it kind of made sense that the relationship wouldn't work. but this time, i was very loving, very tender, and always there for her. i wanted to show her what a real relationship could be, where two people love and support each other and don't play any games. (especially since, as i've mentioned on here before, she had just gotten out of a relationship with a married man.) i cared for her when she was sick, i didn't get mad when her ex would get in touch with her (because he was so upset about losing her, despite still being married) though i did indicate that it was a little uncomfortable for me, and i treated her like a queen.

 

even while we were together, i wondered, should i be 'playing it cool' and aloof? should i make myself less available?

 

and i must be honest, i still wonder about that to this day.

[NoPainNoGain]

No ,she just took you for granted. Nothing worong with being nice, but stay balanced.

[Iwantittoend]

In my last relationship, my ex told me that she was breaking up with me because she didn't know how to handle someone so great. Almost like I was too good for her. She'd been in so many bad relationships in the past that it kind of overwhelmed her.

 

You do need to find a healthy balance in relationships. There are times to be nice, but that shouldn't be all the time.

[dreamwarrior]

Hi there,

 

How's it going...I see here that men are upset over being to nice.

 

So sorry to hear that and hope you feel better soon.

 

I am not sure how old you are, 20's perhaps??

 

When people are young they are sowing their wild oats as the saying goes, and playing the field...it's like birds let out from a cage. As you grow older then you become more settled in your ways and know more what you want.

 

This coming from an older woman of 43. I have experienced all this before, guys, partying, you name it. I started to change drastically around 35 and for sure I am not the same as I was in my 20's. Before I had no clue as to what or who I wanted, but now I know what I want and won't accept anything less.

 

Guys just have fun and enjoy being young, because before to long it will be over and you don't want to waste time on regrets. You have a whole life to live and there is so much to do, people to meet, and places to go....just don't waste it on a person you may not even like nor have any compatibility with years down the road.

 

Think of it this way if you are pining over one girl who dumped you and especially for her ex?? Then you could be missing out on the girl of your dreams.

 

Listen, anyone who takes back their ex after they have moved on is just back tracking, going back to the same ole drama...is like going back to a job that paid you $10.00 and hour when you had one that was paying you $15.00..!!

 

When me and my ex's broke up I never looked back...goodness what a misery that would have been to waste my time on someone who wasn't even worthy enough to dust my shoes off.

 

Be picky and selective, but leave room open for change...both parties must be willing to compromise to coexist.

 

Sometimes people see being nice as a weakness. Don't allow yourself to be used or taken for granted either, not just by a woman, but by anyone. Be loving but firm don't allow your partner to call all the shots just for the sake of not having a fight. You also have a say in the relationship so there is a balance.

 

Women want to feel the man is in control because they like to feel secure and protected and what message are you sending out if you comply with their every wish or demand?? Men all through history are the warriors, hunters, and providers...it's human nature if women feel your weak then they will seek out a man who they feel that can provide for her and possibly future children.

 

Hope this helps and best of luck

[advicebluntly]

In a relationship, being too nice is not a fault. Allowing yourself to be walked over and taken advantage of is. From reading your post I do not see that you have done the latter, and also see that you did nothing wrong. It could be possible that the reason she left was not for you being too nice, it was for her not knowing how to handle it.

 

After just gettin out of a relationship alot of women are not able to trust fully, to understand that good people are out there, or to know that comparing ex's to your current lover is a bad bad thing.

 

It is also possible that niceness is not what she needed. Some women are not the type who want someone to be constantly nice to them in a relationship. Some women crave the bad boy persona and can't be with someone who is honestly nice and caring.

 

I dont think you should look at yourself for faults, but examine the relationship and see if there were any ques leading to this dismissal.

[Lana0120]

Once you're in a relationship you shouldn't be playing it cool and aloof. She just took advantage of your good nature.

[JadedStar]

Stay who you are.

 

If she just got out of a relationship with a married man I'd venture to guess maybe she thrived on the "seediness" and intrigue of having this relationship with someone married and the real deal, i.e. you and a real caring and honest relationship was just something she couldn't handle.

 

Please don't think you need to change in the future. There are many women who appreciate a really nice man who treats her with respect.

 

Just don't be a doormat. Be nice, but don't sacrifice who you are or be someones whipping boy and you'll be ok.

[thejigsup]

Please don't rely on Karma to get even. People often do not "get theirs" and then you are bitter about life. Just focus on you, not her. A bad person does not appreciate a good person. So, change your style if you want to draw bad girls to you. Stay nice and you will eventually land yourself a lady with class!

[tray25]

Nice guys turn off women. Cocky, confident, ambitious, indifferent and selfish men turn on women. They cannot rationalize why this is, so don't ask a woman what she wants. No matter what they say, they are not attracted to nice men. It is a genetic flaw and one that haunts women since adam and eve. Don't let them fool you. Be kind but selfish and women will throw themselves at you.

[Gold]

lots of really interesting perspectives here. thanks to everyone for chiming in.

 

after a lot of soul-searching i feel fairly confident that i was a good boyfriend to her and that she freaked out and left me because of her own nonsense. i did show some weakness but it was really just a glimmer, and that's when she left me. i believe she used it as an excuse because the rest of the time, i was pretty much cool and confident.

 

besides, if she WANTS to go back to a married man, then good riddance to bad rubbish

[missmebaby]

its not true that girls dont like nice guys. the problem is that all guys start out as nice guys and then usually when they have us girls hooked their true colors come out. it confuses the hell out of us...makes us think we're doing something wrong, that maybe if we are better girlfriends you will go back to being a nice guy. i know i dated a guy last year that started out being one of the nicest guys i had ever met, i really fell for him. But as soon as he knew he had me he turned into an azzhole. It made me wonder what I did to make him change, and i couldnt understand why he didnt care about me as much anymore. So i just kept trying harder and harder to make him love me....because i knew he could be a good guy and maybe if i became a great unforgettable girlfriend he would realize what a great thing he has. It sounds ridiculous now but thats how i felt. So i stayed with him thinking he would change back into a good guy but it was a never ending cycle.

 

Things would have gone so much better and I would still be with him to this day if he would have just stayed a good guy....theres no way i would have broken up with him because he was too nice. That was the part i loved about him and that was what i kept striving to turn him back into. So nice is what I ultimately want and what most girls want i think. There are lots of nice guys i have turned down because there were other things about them that i didnt like....i might have used the "you're a really nice guy" line and im sure they turned it into me saying that the reason i dont want to date them is that they are too nice when in fact it wasnt that at all, maybe i just wasnt attracted to them or we didnt have much in common, etc.

[Clabs]

Hey Gold

 

I agree that it was all her nonsense going through her head that drove you apart - and nothing you did wrong. Don't change the way you are because you sound like a loving and caring kind of guy and any girl would be lucky to be with you.

 

As you say - let her go back to the married guy - it sounds really healthy - but whatever you do - don't change - ok?!

 

Mark

[musashi]

Gold, yes, it may be possible that you were "too nice" to her. If she had self-esteem issues, then she might subconsciously feel that she does not deserve to be treated so well. It is also possible that you showed more love towards her than she felt towards you which in turn made her doubt her love for you. I have found that it is possible to love someone "too much". I never even knew that was a possiblity until I started reading these forums. But if you do not match someone's level of affection, like say by showing more affection or less, then they will start to doubt the feelings involved.

 

My ex had self esteem issues and dated guys all of her life that treated her like a doormat. The "relationship" she had before I came along was with a married man that was simply for sex. Her ex husband called her stupid and ugly all the time. She always dated insecure, gun loving, jerks who made her feel low - I am sure you know the kind of guys I am talking about because she lives right close to where you live.

 

I come along and treat her like a princess. I showered her with love, attention, gifts, affection, and compliments. She ended up leaving me for another self-absorbed, insecure, gun loving, jerk. She told me that I was "the perfect man", "the best boyfriend any girl could ask for", that she never had anyone look at her with such love, and that she was probably making the worst decision of her life by leaving me. She could not match my level of affection so it caused her to doubt her love for me. Plus, she felt very uncomfortable being treated so well.

 

She had a masochistic self loathing streak in her that caused her to sacrifice anything that she loved in her life. For example, she loved food. She loved to cook and was a damn good cook. But because she loved food so much, she made herself fast at least once a week and sometimes up to four days a week. She hated to run but forced herself to run a mile a day. Her whole life was about denying the things she most enjoyed and doing things that she disliked. Hence, when someone like me comes along and makes her happy, she felt like it was something that she must deny herself.

 

So, yes, it sometimes is possible to be "too nice". In my case, if I would have been more aloof, self absorbed, and treated her with less respect, she would probably be kneeling at my feet right now. Crazy world.

[tray25]

You can listen to all these people who give you the philosophical, emotional, or politically correct answer. My answer lays in attraction. Attraction is something that a woman cannot rationalize or find logical explanations for. Some here say that it is not your fault. It is. Women despise nice guys. They want something they cannot have or are afraid of losing. Men who are MEN. Not ones that trip over them. They want to wake up next so someone they know could get whatever he wants in life. Learn from this and next time don't treat her so good. Treat her in a way where she is a part of your life, and not the essential piece of your life. Move on to the next. Trust me, I was there. Now I know, time to move on when she doesn't like you. They don't deserve your time. The one who deserves your time and patience is the one who puts up with you.

[tray25]

Hey Gold

 

I agree that it was all her nonsense going through her head that drove you apart - and nothing you did wrong. Don't change the way you are because you sound like a loving and caring kind of guy and any girl would be lucky to be with you.

 

As you say - let her go back to the married guy - it sounds really healthy - but whatever you do - don't change - ok?!

 

Mark

 

If you believe this then you will repeat the same mistake with every woman. If you don't change the way you are then you are hoping that you meet a woman who will accept YOU for who you are. Well my friend, you will be waiting for a long time. Thats like a fat guy saying I will get a supermodel even if he is broke or if he refuses to lose weight. Not gonna happen. You have to change because you are doing everything wrong. Do you want to wait forever to attract a woman of your dreams? Hoping and praying she accepts you for a caring and loving guy you are? Do you want to learn and change so that you know what attraction is?

 

 

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE MEN MAKE IS " I WILL NOT CHANGE FOR A WOMAN TO ATTRACT OR KEEP A WOMAN".

 

You have to adapt, change, learn, grow, and assilimate with everything in life. Why not dating? So change your thinking.

 

 

Peace out..

[orangesoda]

One of the most important elements of attraction is unavailability.

 

We want what we can't have.

 

So don't be so available to your next GF. That doesn't mean don't be nice. Just don't be around all the time to be nice to her.