lost my best friend because of my issues and i'm hurting so much. help.

[trueblue30]

Hi everyone.

 

My apologies in advance for a long post, and if this is in the wrong column. There are several factors at play here, involving depression, being gay, coming out, feelings for friend, suicide, I just wasn't sure which forum to post.

 

I've posted on here a couple of years ago. I came out of the closet and I sort of went back in again, mainly because I chose to just stay single as I didn't want to go through another broken heart again. Life has a funny thing of sneaking up behind you though.... here goes.

 

I had long gotten over the last guy I was in love with and had a new group of great friends. To these friends though, no one knew I was gay. In hindsight, no one would have thought it to be a problem. Anyhow, there was this guy, let's call him Eric. We became friends. To be honest I thought he was cute (blond hair, blue eyes) at the time, but once we all became friends, I just thought of him as a friend and nothing more. It turns out Eric and I decided to go traveling together. We spent 2 months on the road in SE Asia, and we were almost inseperable. I had thought we became close friends in this time. We also decided we were going to live and work together in another country.

 

The trip ended and he went back home for a month before joining me in the other country. It hit me after he left. I was like, oh no, I have feelings for this guy. I knew it wasn't right (though to be honest, there were hints of him being gay), and I valued our friendship so much. I decided I was absolutely not going to risk the friendship by telling him. At this point, he still didn't know I was gay.

 

So I started working and living life in the new country. The job turned out to be something I didn't quite expect. In fact, it was a bad company to work for. I started getting really stressed about my decision to come to this workplace.

 

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression a few years ago, but I had it under control and was doing quite fine without the meds. With this company, the anxiety came back. Eric came back in December, and things were great at first. But then my anxiety got so high, I didn't know what to do, so I confided in him. I felt weak when I told him and I was ashamed that it was back. He was really supportive at first and attentive. The doctor gave me some medication again.

 

I ended up telling Eric that I was gay on Christmas day. A few days before this I told Eric that there was this girl who was talking to me. He asked if I liked her, and stupid me said yes, but I wasn't going to pursue her. So what does he do? He goes after her on Christmas day at our party that we held. Everyone else clued in and were badgering me for an answer. I ended up telling everyone that I was interested in her and he knew and went after her anyway and I was mad about it. (Forget the fact that I'm gay here, I was upset because he didn't know that yet, but still went after his so called good friend's "interest.") If he would have asked me about it, I would have given him my blessing but he didn't and totally disregarded my feelings. Anyway, this led up to me telling him I was gay that night. Deep down, I was angry with him because he ruined my Christmas (before this one day, all my Christmas's have been happy and he took that away from me).

 

So I became a little depressed. He noticed and our other 2 roomates noticed as well. I knew I was going down a bad road, because anxiety and major depression are a disastrous mix. I started confiding in Eric a lot more, and more. Meanwhile I was feeling more depressed, guilty, alone, ashamed. I started drinking to numb my feelings. I don't know why but I only trusted Eric. I guess my other 2 roomates are from a different culture so I didn't know what the cultural difference would be like on my issues. Eric was totally faithful to my confidentiality, but I knew it was wearing on him, my issues and such. I got into so much pain and started overdosing on over the counter meds, not to kill myself, but to numb my body. He caught me. It got a bit better for a little while, but when all downhill again I'd say at the end of February. The pain was just too much for me. I felt terrible for depending on Eric so much, and I felt terrible for having feelings for him and I felt guilty for being gay, and for being depressed. I had no one to turn to. Finally, our other 2 roomates became aware of some things.

 

I couldn't hide anymore, and I had no place to be alone with myself. I started to self-harm, and made other suicide attempts. Some of this was done in front of Eric, only because I had no place to go and be alone to do this stuff. The situation became extremely stressful for everyone concerned. Eric was now reacting to everything I said, stopped listening to me. He expected me to just snap out of my depression. I got slapped accross the face twice one night because I got out of bed to go outside (Eric suspected I was going out to hurt myself or worse, with good reason I guess) Finally, one morning was the last straw. Eric made a very condescending remark, which led to a huge outburst on my part. I finally told him that I had been protecting him from something this past while. He said he knew what it was. Yep, he figured out on his own that I had feelings for him. I was humiliated. Before going on here, Eric had crossed some boundaries with me a few times before my major depression occurred. I kept quiet about them, but underneath, it bothered me. By the time I stood up for myself, I had lost all credibility with Eric and he reacted.

 

I ended up trying to check myself into a hospital in the country I was in, but the treatment would not at all like it would be back home. So I ended up flying home. I broke down in the airport and cried all the way home on the plane (in between sleeps).

 

Fast forward one month. Now, I'm doing exceptionally well. I'm in therapy, my meds are working, and I'm truly healing and feeling much better. Eric never wants anything to do with me again. My heart is broken because this valuable friendship is lost.

 

I recently learned 2 things about why he ended the friendship. 1)he thought I was intentionally trying to hurt him with the suicide attempts and self-inury. 2) he thought I was hoping to live with him for a very long time and that our relationship felt like a bad dating relationship, he said he thought I had an "unhealthy fixation" on him. I was deeply hurt by these things as they are NOT true. The thing is he's got other people believing it including my own family.

 

I know what's in my heart. I was in so much pain I just wanted out, I did anything I could that could release that pain. He'll never know how much pain I was in (and in this pain I include a lot of things from the past) so I resorted to suicide and self-injury. It was totally selfish yes I know, but it was not done to intentionally hurt anyone. Now, I admit that I depended on him a lot, but I was not fixated on him like that. I was so lost I didn't know where to turn or who to trust. I just wanted to get through my depression so I could move on with my life. I know what step I wanted to take next in terms of career, but I wanted to get out of the depression first. There was no way I was going to go into something new feeling like this. It just hurts so much because Eric has it all wrong, he's misunderstood, ended our frienship as such and now no one understands I know I have to let go of him and that's what I'm doing, but it is so hard to go on knowing that he believes these things about me, and has now got others believing it too. I was depressed, so why would anyone believe my side of it? I'm also angry at him because how dare he try to tell what's in my heart, or how I'm feeling, or what I want from my life.

 

I hope I've made some sense in all this rambling here. I'm so sorry for the long post everyone, and thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Any thoughts, insight, advice?

 

On a positive note, I'm totally out of the closet now, and I do have support that way. I'm not hiding anymore. I can now be whole again. I'm so thankful for this forum, and I wish everyone the very best. Thanks everyone.

 

S

[onyourradar]

Valuable friendship?

 

Hon, if he really WAS valuable- he would not have let you fall so far without being there with you. True that you have to let your friends hit bottom so they can only go up from there, but sounds like this guy just let you kind of float on your own.

 

Forget him, and make NEW, BETTER and LOVING friends that will be there for you.

 

Best wishes.

[trueblue30]

Thanks, that's kind of my line of thinking too. I guess I'm just realizing that he wasn't the person I thought he was. He made a lot of untrue assumptions about me. He really made me feel like a bad person inside, caused me so much shame and guilt. He heard me, but he really didn't listen. I told him one time about something from my past as a child that had a long term effect. He said I was using it to justify being depressed and then he compared my situation to an acquaintance that he knew where something happened with him and how he doing so well now, even though he has not spoken to or heard from the guy in years. I was trying to bring it out in to the open so I could deal with it. I wanted to put it behind me. I gave Eric way too much credit, and I won't give him that power anymore. They say that karma's a * * * * * . I believe in that and I believe that karma will get him too. My best revenge in the meantime is to just be happy and live a good life. Some of our mutual friends have not deserted me and have taken my side, which I'm very thankful for. I'm concentrating on my real friends now. And I get to truly be myself as a gay man, no more hiding!!

 

Thanks so much for your response.

[onyourradar]

Good luck, hon!! That's the most IMPORTANT thing you got out of this... YOURSELF!!!

 

Go out and enjoy being just that!!!! I wish you the best!!!

[trueblue30]

thanks onyourradar!

 

I actually wrote a letter expressing how I felt about him misunderstanding me and why he went to everyone else about it but me. I told him that I forgive him but I can't be friends with someone who believes these false, horrible things about me. Frankly, I don't care whether he responds or not. I told him that no one has the right to tell me or others how I feel or what I want from my life. It felt so good, and I feel like I finally got some real closure in the issue.

 

Woo-hoo!! It's the first time I didn't feel inferior about telling him something I know to be true in my heart or about sending it.

 

And yep, I'm myself and it's wonderful!

[onyourradar]

thanks onyourradar!

 

I actually wrote a letter expressing how I felt about him misunderstanding me and why he went to everyone else about it but me. I told him that I forgive him but I can't be friends with someone who believes these false, horrible things about me. Frankly, I don't care whether he responds or not. I told him that no one has the right to tell me or others how I feel or what I want from my life. It felt so good, and I feel like I finally got some real closure in the issue.

 

Woo-hoo!! It's the first time I didn't feel inferior about telling him something I know to be true in my heart or about sending it.

 

And yep, I'm myself and it's wonderful!

 

 

I'm so happy for you! I have a HUGE smile on my face!!!

 

Sometimes all we need is closure.. those final words we never had the courage or didnt want to say to that person.

 

Now it's time to move on from him and enjoy the 'new' you! You deserve it!

[DJG]

trueblue30, there are certain things that one can't deeply understand without being trough them.Even good friends can listen to a certain level at which everything will end.

This great saying "Don't depend on somebody to make you happy" is what i consider shockingly truthful.You have to put yourself together, as it seems you're doing it successfully.

This story has quite a few angles: coming out, moving who knows where with a friend, depression, failed expectations.Very hard for an outsider to fully analyze, make extended conclusions towards whole picture.

I don't want to go cliche with trowing something alongside "It's Eric to blame" or "You've had to quit that job earlier" so can only wish you love.

[pianoguy]

Hi trueblue,

 

First of all, I'm sorry what you are going through. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? This makes a fairly important difference. Have you ever been in a relationship with another openly gay man?

 

I'm going to go with my feelings and assume that you are in your 20's. At this point in your life, you need to think about being more public with your sexuality. I think what you really need, more than anything else, is a supportive group of gay friends, which will give you a community that will understand your issues and also provide a pool of people that you can potentially date. You aren't going to find these people unless you're willing to come out of the closet.

 

At some point, you need to get past crushing on straight people. It happens to all of us, but it's something you need to outgrow. Straight people, by definition, are unavailable, so any feelings that we have for them are going to end tragically. There's nothing to prevent what happened with Eric from happening again with another straight guy unless you start redirecting your feelings towards gay men.

 

I think you need to consider being more open with your sexuality among your current group of friends, especially if they aren't going to have any problems with that. Being open is the first step to accepting yourself and forming healthy relationships with other gay guys.

 

I think, too, that it is best that you and Eric aren't going to see each other anymore. I think you need to try and be a little bit more forgiving of him though- you put him in a very hard situation from which there wasn't any good way out for him. Yes, he was being kind of a jerk by going after a girl you were pretending to be interested in, but the truth is, you are gay and not interested in girls, so you don't really have a right to be that angry with him. I think if you are honest with yourself, the real reason that you were so mad at him had more to do with the fact that he was hitting on a girl and not hitting on you.

 

 

Anyway, this led up to me telling him I was gay that night. Deep down, I was angry with him because he ruined my Christmas (before this one day, all my Christmas's have been happy and he took that away from me).

 

It's always a bad idea to come out to someone in anger. Coming out should never be used as a weapon. I've done this myself, and it always results in hard feelings and damaged relationships. Don't come out unless you can be calm about it.

 

I knew I was going down a bad road, because anxiety and major depression are a disastrous mix. I started confiding in Eric a lot more, and more. Meanwhile I was feeling more depressed, guilty, alone, ashamed. I started drinking to numb my feelings. I don't know why but I only trusted Eric.

 

Again, this is why you need to come out to more people. You were demanding a lot of emotional support from Eric, which it sounds like he wasn't able to give. Nor was he required to, as he was only a friend, not a lover.

 

 

Some of this was done in front of Eric, only because I had no place to go and be alone to do this stuff.

 

I don't believe you. I think this was you trying to hurt him, or at least make him aware how much you were hurting. You can't punish people for not sharing your feelings for them.

 

 

I recently learned 2 things about why he ended the friendship. 1)he thought I was intentionally trying to hurt him with the suicide attempts and self-inury.

 

I think you were too, perhaps not on purpose, but I think this was a way that you were trying to get attention or sympathy from Eric.

 

2) he thought I was hoping to live with him for a very long time and that our relationship felt like a bad dating relationship, he said he thought I had an "unhealthy fixation" on him.

 

Again, I think he's correct about this. You were fixated on him, and it was unhealthy because it caused major depression and suicide attemps on your part. Any crush that has no possibility of being fulfilled is unhealthy on some level.

 

I don't think you should blame yourself for what happened, but you do need to make an effort to fixate on people who can return your feelings, not straight guys.

 

On a positive note, I'm totally out of the closet now, and I do have support that way. I'm not hiding anymore.

 

That's GREAT!!!! Have you met any gay guys yet, or do you have any gay friends? Stay out of the closet- life is better that way.

[trueblue30]

Thanks for your input everyone; it is much appreciated.

 

DJG:

 

Yes, I do realize that this is a complex situation. I have indeed accepted that I need to not depend on others and just rely on myself. I also have accepted that probably not anyone in this situation might have handled it well, or proper, or right. It was just too complex. I guess I was just hoping for a little more understanding and a little less judgment. I know that it was not fair to dump everything on him. I'm totally focused on myself and I have gained my independence back now.

 

Pianoguy:

 

Thanks for the honest input. I'm actually 32 years old. My growing up came later in life, with some setbacks. I've actually had one gay relationship with an openly gay man. At that time, I was in the closet, but he was not, so the relationship was totally secret. When it ended, that's when I came out to my family, well, simply because I needed them, and they were very supportive. Then I didn't want to risk a broken heart, so I swore off relationships from that point and sort of went back in the closet. It wasn't for fear of coming out, but more for fear of getting my heart broken again.

 

I've actually come out now to all of my close friends and am starting to now with acquaintances. I no longer say to them, "keep it a secret." If they tell someone, I'm cool with it. I'm also going to a support group for gay men. I'm really not into the bar scene anymore (well, ok pubs and such, but I'm low key, I don't like clubs and places where you can't hear yourself talk).

 

I actually have forgiven Eric. I know it was a difficult situation for everyone involved. I don't think I was very clear on coming out to him though. It wasn't out of anger. I just had a moment of I just can't do this anymore, and I thought he would be supportive of me of being gay, and I was prepared to go out and meet other people. I didn't want to bring this up, but he's a conservative Christian. I grew up quite conservative, and I almost had made peace with myself and God. (Just to make clear--I don't judge anyone's religious beliefs or anything like that; I'm really quite liberal and open-minded, and non-conservative). He told me that he judges the sin, and not the sinner. He then told me that as long as I don't act on my temptation, I'm not sinning. This struck a chord within me. That peace I'd made was gone, and I knew my feelings for him compromised my own objectivity. Deep down, I was angry, but to this day I never voiced it to him.

 

I know it's hard for people to accept that I wasn't seeking attention. I admit I was calling for help, and further deep down (though at the time I didn't realize it) I knew I needed to go home, but I was so afraid to tell people. I was afraid of being a failure. The only fixation I had on him was that he could somehow be the one to get me out of the pit of despair, and I realize now that that was wrong. I needed treatment at home. I thought he was someone I could really trust, and for me, if I found that person (be it man or woman) I tended to cling, which is unhealthy altogether, so I'm stopping that now. I'm going to various people so that I'm not solely depending on any one person, but most importantly, I'm focusing on my independence. I hope that makes sense--I think it sounded better in my head

 

I'm not keen on reconciling a friendship with him. I feel we both made mistakes. And there were so many factors at play that would have driven anyone to this sort of conflict I think. So I forgive both him and myself, and I choose to move on with my life--with no more hiding, and no more using the past. I just don't want him saying all these things to our mutual friends. I know I know, if they're really my friends they won't judge me, and to be fair, there are some on my side.

 

Ok, so about that girl at Christmas time. I've analysed this situation over and over again. I've discussed this with my therapist. I honestly would have been ok with him going after her if he had just asked me first. Now I do admit, of course I would have loved it if he would have hit on me, but I knew that wasn't possible. I want him to be happy whatever happened. He started seeing a girl just before I left and it didn't play into anything, and she's a sweetheart. Again, yes, of course I would have loved it if he would have hit on me, but that didn't stop me from wanting him to be happy. Part of the reason I was so suicidal was because I knew I was burdening him so much and I hated myself for it. But you have a fair point, the conflict of me wanting him to be happy and would have liked it contributed a lot to my depression. He was not the only factor though. There are other issues at play that have nothing to do with him, which I'm finally dealing with now.

 

Ahhhh, sorry this is so long. Let me wrap. What's important is that I'm moving on. I am going to go meet some gay people, but I'm not rushing it. I want some of my independence back first. I feel much more whole now that I'm out with all my close friends and family, and that I can just be myself around them. My next step is to get out there and really put my foot forward to meet some gay people, but without expectations. The month of May is sort of my get strong month. June I will actually get out there and do it. Eric is the past now. He has no bearing on where I'm going.

 

Thanks for reading and all your input everyone. Sorry if I didn't make a whole lot of sense. Some days it's hard to put into words, but the release is great!

Cheers