its been 6 mths,he couldnt let me go, so i let him go

[lou31]

well i am having a down day ... they are very much up and down at the minute.

i have posted previously but deleted some of my posts (at times when i got upset reading them and htought i could stay away from this board).

 

quick summary. i split with my ex in november after 8 months together. my decision but i regretted it pretty quickly and asked to try again. i was stressed out of my mind with work and something had to give. we had been arguing etc etc. he said no to another chance, said he couldnt come back to the way things were. we went round in circles for a few weeks, him being unsure, telling me he still loved me etc etc. i decided at xmas i could do no more. so i asked him not to contact me again. he did, on new years eve, new years day and a few times after that, every week or so. i initiated no contact at all. each time he did contact me i had a little bit of hope, i was pleasant but didnt chase. i tried to sort myself out, work stress, now moving house (next week) - i had to do that as i live in house i had with ex fiance and should have got away a long time ago. saw a counsellor, trust issues etc. anyway he knows all this and i have done so much to sort myself out these past few months. he seemed happy for me. i thought if we gave it some time apart we could sort things out ...

 

he called me mid february and blurted out that he had met someone else. but said he didnt think it would work cos he could not forget me. i was shocked. anyway we arranged to meet up. lots of tears, found out he jumped in a matter of weeks after we split, mid december. i was upset, but i tried to understand. we talked without accusations and defensivness and i said i felt we did not properly communicate and thats why it all went wrong.

 

he said he had got himself into a mess with this girl... that his heart wasnt in it but he thought he could get over me and time proved he had been too hasty. a couple of weeks of contact followed and he said he knew he had to sort things out.

 

it became too much mid march after about three weeks since we met up, i told him i couldnt go through this, that i was sorry but i could not be athird person and could not speak to or see him anymore whilst he was with someone lese. he begged me not to walk away, said the only thing stopping him coming back was fear it would not work out. he said the new girl was a lovely person, they didnt argue and he thought he could make himself forget me then he could be happy with her.

 

i walked away. i knew i could do no more to try and make him see what i could. he cried, i cried. i knew he was scared. i got the impession she was head over heels and i was too much of a risk.

 

three weeks passed. i did total NC. he then called out of the blue after id been talking to a mate of his. i asked if he was still seeing her and he said things were 'on hold'. i learned that day from my friend that he had been saying he would get back with me tomorrow and wanted his mate (my friend's boyfriend) to put a good word in for him with me. him telling me that it was 'on hold' was not enough, i knew he was just worried about me 'moving on' and i could not accept that. i told him it was not fair and i would nt speak to him under those circumstances, that if we had any chance then he had to finish it with he properly. he said he felt weak and pathetic, that she had done nothing to deserve him hurting her etc etc. again he said he was scared of coming back to me. i tried to reassure him in a non needy way but told him i would be getting on with my life and i would not stand back and watch him have a relationship with someone else and put my life on hold for something that may never happen. he said he knew he had to 'prove' to me he was genuine. call ended.

 

he turned up at my door a week later. i didnt hear it as i had my ipod on and was in bed. so obviously i didnt answer. anyway, i wrote him a letter (not knowing at that point he had been at my door). i text him a few days later and asked if he could collect it fom my work. he replied immediately and turned up at my work twenty minutes later... the letter was at home and id planned to leave it at reception the next day. i text him saying it would be there for him to collect next day. he rang next morning and asked about the letter. he sounded really upset and told me he had come to my door to talk to me. i told him i hadnt heard him (i do know he was at the door cos a neighbour confirmed it and said he was there for a while). i asked him why he didnt call me. he said he saw the lights on and my car parked outside and assumed i didnt want to talk to him so he left. he said he thought that was a clear message i was home and did not want to see him. as we spoke it became clear that in the days between him being at my door and my telling him about the later that things were not final between them.. i got the impression things were rocky with her as she knew he was confused about his feelings for me and they had been fighting over it. he said when he came to see me it was over between them. i never asked if it still was but now i reckon they are back together ...

 

anyway, he got the letter that afternoon. my reason for writing it was to say a lot of things i couldnt say in all the tears and upset. it wasnt a guilt trip or needy in any way. it was long, i talked about the counselling ive had, how its helped me, my house move, how i thought things went wrong for us, i apologised for pushing him away, basically a lot of things we should have talked about face to face. i said i could not cope with him calling me whenever he felt like it as he had been doing for months when id left him alone since christmas. that him being with someone else meant it was wrong and i couldnt cope with that. that i wished him well but i said i would not live in limbo, i thought we could resolve things but that he would have to be a sigle man before we could talk. i ended by wishing him well, said if we didnt see or speak to each other ever again i wanted to thank him for the good times, for the lessons i learned (and boy have i learned that i would not contact him again but that i hoped he would be happy. i said i did not want or expect a response as it was too hard to deal with.

 

he replied to me (even though i asked him not to) by text saying he was lucky for having time with me, that he was sorry for hurting me, that i had given him so much to think about and deal with and he was sorry for hurting me as he never meant to , he put a kiss on the end of the message and said 'my head is all over the place but as you said its up to me'.

 

two weeks have passed. ive heard nothing since his text but i do not regret sending that letter. i said all i had to but he still consumes my thoughts. i wonder what he is doing and whether i will ever hear fom him again. i told him not to come crawling back if she called it a day.

 

i just want to start feeling better. i know its a long hard process but its been nearly six months... im better than i was... no doubt about that. but im struggling to let go. ive been in this boat before after a split with an ex fiance and it took me over ayear to get over that. but i feel so much more for this guy.

 

i know he has been selfish, but i also feel he is very weak and just cant help himself, its like he knows what the right thing is but cant seem to be alone.

 

i had to do the letter for the sake of my own sanity, i had to make him see i could not be upset every time he came crashing back into my life when he had someone else, as i said, ive no regrets, i know i did all i could. but its dealing with the knowledge he chose someone else over me i find hard to accept. i had to let him go for MY sake if he could not let me go... if that makes sense

 

i now wonder and panic if i will ever hear fom him again. i know i have the strength never to al him again. and i know him and i know he will read that letter over and over. i know things are not good for her. by his own admission he jumped into it. but it hurts that he cant seem to finish it and take a 'risk' on us. it tears me apart to think this really is it. i am moving house next week,. he just kknows im moving sometime this month. its closer to where he lives, in fact only ten minutes walk (we are currently 35 miles apart) but its something i always intended to do, my frineds live there and im kind of isolated where i live at the minute. im not doing it for him. he knows that as it was always on the cards even when we were together. my family dont live here so its as good a place as any, ive no ties and its a lovely place where he lives and i like it. i worry about bumping into him but i know im doing the right thing for me. i know he will be going out of his mind wondering where i am. and i wonder if he can really do what i asekd and let me be. i really dont want to hear from him again if he has a partner. i made that clear. im just scared this really is it ...

 

sorry this is so long. any thoughts / advice much appreciated

[pumpkinmoon]

I think you are very brave for writing that letter and I admire you for it. I have thought about doing the same myself but I am undecided as yet. You seem very level-headed and there is not really any advice I can give expect to say that we are all going through the same here and it will get better xx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You did the right thing. He is behaving like a coward and is being unfair to two women. It really sounds like he doesn't love himself...if he loved himself he wouldn't be bouncing back and forth like this giving only pieces of him to each woman but not his whole self. He is not a whole man. It is like since you didn't answer your door, he ran back to the other woman. He never broke up with her...he probably just said he needed some time...but not any official breakup. He was hedging his bets. A real man, a healthy man, does not hedge his bets like that. He is very very needy...he can't be alone to sort out his own demons. You are better off at this point. He needs to learn about himself...he needs some harsh life lessons...but will only understand if he takes the time to reflect. It looks like he doesn't want to be alone with himself and his thoughts.

[redhearts]

Well good for you for trying to move forward. Things take time though, this guy is unsure of everything there is and thats just not good. It is good that you are moving forward, and very much good luck towards that!

[lou31]

thanks for all the replies. i guess you always know what's right in yourself. ive no problem giving other people advice but when it comes to me ... well!! actually i think i have done most of the right things. i listened to him when he came back. we spoke calmly. i wasnt angry and i apologised for my mistakes. i have made a lot of changes to my life in a relatively short time. all changes for the better and i feel good for that. i look at him and i see he has changed nothing and learned nothing.

 

its like he jumped straight into something else. thought it was the answer to his problems and now, well now he doesnt know. but i had to cut the contact. i am not having him have that safety net. i know this guy well and i know the thought that i wont ever see or speak to him again will trouble him a lot. i spelled it out loud and clear. but i feel best about the fact that i know i walked away the bigger person. to all of you out there who think that's too hard to do, from my point of view its the best way to be if you can find it in yourself. if your ex is a decent person then they will see that and if you keep your dignity intact then you will eventually feel better.

 

i feel good knowing i said all i had to say. mine was a nine page very heartfelt letter. i did it for me. and ive read it since i gave him it and i wouldnt change a thing.

 

i know he is probably feling pretty lousy. i have down days when i feel like he got off lightly and walked away with a clear conscience. but in my rational moments i dont think he did. i console myself with the fact that if things were right with this girl then he wouldnt have done and said all he has. maybe theirs could have been a more compatible relationship who knows, but i fell he has ruined it for himself anyway. apparently she knows theres a problem. she checked his phone, found a ringtone for me he changed to my favourite song, went mad, they have been having fall outs. things dont look good there ...

 

i actually do believe this stuff. but i believe its not that bad. im glad he is getting to see that the honeymoon stage doesnt last. i felt like he rubbed my nose in it back in february by telling me he didnt argue with her. sorry but who does after a few weeks??!!

 

CAD you are right, he is not in a healthy state. he knows the right thing to do - be on his own. but he isnt strong enough. and i agree he probably did just tell her he wanted space. i told him i would not take him back if he split with her. i would talk to him and we could take it from there. i reckon thats the risk for him. but im tired of mixed signals and feeling crap. im not his emotional crutch.

 

lets see how he feels now ive well and truly disappeared. he wont have the option of turning up at my door. i always have a feeling ive never heard the last, that he may well be back and i worry about myself in handling that. but then ive told him under what circumstances id talk to him. so we'll see. and im stong enough not to make any contact at all

 

i actually feel positive this morning. im looking forward to my move.

 

id like the satisfaction of seeing this go wrong for him. i just dont think it looks good there. i know he was besotted with me and i could always tell when he was in a mood or down, god knows how he is hiding his feelings from her. oh yeah, thats right i know. cos he had me as his emotional crutch and to listen to him and his tears and apologies!! well no more!

 

in the end i tried to be the decent person. he knows that. and i think this will come back to haunt him!!!!

[lou31]

CAD

you are correct, he doesnt want to be alone with his thoughts and he clearly doesnt like himself.

 

we both had a few trust issues. his ex wife cheated on him and took him to the cleaners financially. to this day i know he is bitter about that. i often felt he had loads of baggage and he was very insecure.

 

what i struggle with is how he could have got together with someone so quickly after me and for it to have lasted a few months but all the while he kept contacting me. please someone tell me that cannot be a good basis fo a relationship???if he was happy surely he would have let me go and i would have been in his past. but ive had this guy in tears, full of apologies and 'confusion'. i feel really ill at ease knowing he must be doing something to make this girl stick around. i believe he has thrown himself into it and he got doubts but instead of facing up to things and being on his own, he couldnt face his demons and had to have someone there to reassure him.

 

i dont know this girl... maybe she is hoping this will pass. as much as i love this guy and dont want him to be with someone else i genuinely feel sadness that he never learns. its not all about me and my ego taking a dent that he got someone else. i just hate thinking he will continue this pattern of quick fix and never really be at peace.

 

i do know he will not be in a great pplace now. because i have cut off his 'comfort factor' ie i am no longer there for him to call when he feels like it.

 

how long this will last with this girl is anyones guess but surely the foundation cant be stong. then again maybe she gives him all he needs and im the one who initially let him down and he cant take that risk again.

 

i had hoped id left a good memory of myself with him by being the better person and wishing him well. who knows though. maybe that will torture his mind every time he and this girl have a fall out. or maybe he has decided once and for all that it is over. i just feel deep down in my gut this guy will not be able to stop himself contacting me again at some point. i know i will not respond. but i also know it willl likely set me back again if he does. i just wonder if he will have the strength to let me go properly without screwing my head up again?

sometimes i think it would be easie if he had told me he no longer loved me. but last time we spoke he was cying and said please remember in all this time i never stopped loving you.

 

cold comfort eh???!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, he says his ex wife cheated on him...do you know that for sure...in the cheating department he is not so innocent....look at what he has been doing to you and to his current "girlfriend" he has been playing two women at one time. So is it possible that he did this in his marriage, his wife got angry and took him to the cleaners. The way he is treating you and this other woman may not be some novel behaviour...this may indeed have been a pattern with him which caused his other relationships to go south. He is a total mess right now and be grateful that it is not you having to deal with it. Be grateful you are not this other woman who has him in body but not in spirit.

[lou31]

CAD

I wish i did have doubts there about his ex wife. it might make me feel beter. but i do know she did cheat. one of my good friends works with his ex wife. and when i met the ex by coincidence i discovered my friend lived in the same area and knew him from a distance ... well she knew his ex wife. she said she knew a bit of the history between him and the ex wife from her working with the ex. and my friend is a good sort. she said it was stormy relationship and that she was a nasty sort and that she had moe than one afair and it wasnt a great secret. he was married to her for ten years.

 

my ex didnt speak that badly of his ex wife but what he did tell me was pretty much confirmed by my friend - who i know would have told me what she knew. in fact she told me what she had hear before i even said i know. so i do believe she did cheat.

who knows maybe that makes him the insecure person he is today. and thats why he needs constant reassurance. he told me he always felt nothing he did was good enough for me. but really i just felt he tried too hard. and it was suffocating at times. im used to my independance and he seemed to need constant reassurance.

 

but ive made too many excuses for him. just because he was treated badly doesnt mean he couldnt have forgiven me at the start for finishing it. he just chose to take a risk with the new. and it seems she isnt so 'new' anymore. i get the feeling this girl panders to him more than i did. that he feels more of a 'match'.

 

i wouldnt want to be in her shoes but it hurts so much he at least has something o rather someone else to focus on for now. and i dont!