Took a risk for nothing

[ifloatabove]

I posted several days ago about how my ex came back and we were going to talk about possibly fixing our relationship and getting back together.

 

My heart overruled my head again. I knew it was too good to be true and he hadn't had enough time to think about where he wanted his life to go. It was quite possibly as intense of a pain as the first time he broke up with me. He kept going back and forth between wanting to be with me and wanting to figure his life out. I knew he was messed up but I guess I just...took another risk thinking that I was hearing different things than what was said (or wasn't said) in the past.

 

He admitted to sleeping with someone else after we broke up but it was meaningless. That doesn't bother me though because well, we were broken up. He didn't care for her and I can understand why he did it. It doesn't justify anything but hearing that still made everything harder.

 

He cried again and kept asking me if he was losing the most amazing girl he's ever had in his life. And I said yes. He kept telling me not to go but in the morning, things were really different. I guess after you've slept on it, it can really put reality in perspective.

 

He knew that I couldn't wait for him and I had to live my life. He said that he really truly did want to be with me but the confusion took over again. He said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

I knew going into this that it was going to be a risk. I don't regret doing it but I have a lot of remorse for doing so. I knew that when I said I would talk to him, I still had feelings for him. I just didn't realize they were still so strong after everything he did to me. I can understand why he did what he did - we had a long talk about what I did to push him away. He did say though he was glad that my life had gotten better and it made him want to be with me but he's the one that needs to change.

 

I said it could take him forever to figure his life out. Weeks, a month, months. He said he didn't want it to take months and would do his best to really think about where he wants his life to go because he said he would break down again if unhappiness kept taking over his life. I keep wanting to be the one to support him and to help him through but I know he can only help himself.

 

He said that when he's ready to be in a relationship again, he would come to me first. I asked him if he meant that and he said, "Yes. I just need time."

 

He knows how I feel and what I'm prepared to do, it's just up to him to decide if being in a relationship again would benefit him. I told him that being in a relationship with me would mean less of the hard stuff and all the things I did to make his life hard. But that being in a relationship doesn't mean you lose yourself and you can still be yourself and have that freedom while sharing a life with someone.

 

I don't think I'm ready to get intimate with anyone else just yet. I'm going to leave my options open. It seems sensible but in a way, it seems really stupid to still be holding out for someone. But I'm just going to do what makes me happy (try to find what makes me happy) and take each day slowly. I'm not ready to jump into anything, I just feel really alone right now.

 

Spending the night with him was probably a really bad idea. We didn't do anything as much as either of us wanted to. I'm smart enough to know how terrible that would be and how terrible I would feel in the morning.

 

Just remembering how he felt when he was close to me brought back so many thoughts - wishing to have him back again.

 

I know, I make this so hard on myself and it doesn't have to be. Love makes me do stupid things.

[Lana0120]

It seems to me like your approach is open. You're hoping this guy will come back to you, but you're not betting on it. You know you're not ready to go out with anyone else at the moment and you're hoping he will come back to you, but you're trying to get on with your life and keep your eyes open to other possibilities out there. That's the best you can do. Just don't let other opportunities pass you by in the mean time is all I can say.

[ifloatabove]

I really like what you said. I'd like to think this is the best I can do with the situation. I don't want to half-ass my chance at happiness, whoever that may be with or wherever I may find it. I'm always open to possibilities. I even told him so. I said, "I will give you all the time in the world. But I'm not waiting for you and I'm going to live my life but I won't rule out the possibility." I keep thinking hope is a horrible thing to have after reading a previous post that hope only makes things worse.

 

But your sensibility and your words made me feel like I'm doing my best to do the right thing. Not sure what that is yet!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am so sorry that you had to go down the same road again. It is very difficult when someone makes overtures and then pulls away again. I agree that it is better to view this as the end than to hold out hope because holding on to hope just leads to frustration when nothing is moving forwards.