Q: for people who dated soon after a long term relationship

[Archivist]

Hi everyone,

 

This is a dffierent post to all the others, I have a few questions for everyone especially women on this board who entered a new realtionship real soon after their long term realtionship ended.

 

I don't really know why i'm asking this question as i dont think i could ever see myself getting back together with my ex, i guess i'm just seeking justification for my ex and her actions. It seems so unfair that she could just jump into a new realtionship so soon after ours had ended and that she can "replace" me with someone else just like that. I know that there would be a feeling of emptyness for both people involved but can someone else just replace that empty feeling and make u truly happy like the way we were before?

 

I dont really understand how or why people do it, for me it will take a while before i can enter another realtionship as i need time to heal and get over things. For those who have moved on quickly and entered another realtionship, did they last? did you fall in love with them and live happily ever after? What were you feeling did you ever think about the other person who was probably really hurt over this?

 

I understand that most of these cases it would be the person who dumped the other who would move on so soon as they've been letting go for some time, did that mean that you were truly over them and ready for a new relationship?

 

The reason i'm asking this is because, my ex of one and a half years broke up with me, and then after two months of no contact we started talking again and seeing each other again because she had second thoughts about breaking up with me. She quickly decided that she didn't want me back but didn't actaully tell me that, we stayed close and then she broke my heart again by telling me that she had started to have feelings for a mutal "friend" of ours for some time and they really didn't want for this to happen but they couldn't help their feelings for each other. They basically got together at the same time we started talking again. This makes me believe that she did miss me, and perhaps wanted me back but decided that by going out with my so called friend she would fill the emptyness she felt at the time.

 

Words cannot discribe the anger and pain i felt, but its been a month now since she told me and trhee months since we broke up. Time has been a great healer and i dont get so angry or hurt by thinking about them as i'm beginning to think its not worth it. Its just so hard to believe that these two really close friends of mine could do such a thing, all they can say in their defence is they knew how much it would hurt me but they seriously couldn't help it and didn't want things to end up like this. Well hello? it happened and you are both responsible for your own actions. I really dont know how to deal with this situation. I've blocked them both and avoid contact with them as much as possible but we all share the same friends as we were all friends before. If i see them i get a rush of emotions, anger, sadness, everything. Most of our friends are on my side but they can't hold a grudge towards them both either. My ex is pretty young and my friends said they they know what it was like for them at that age but even they said that they dont think that they could ever do something like that.

 

Sorry for the eassy everyone but as you can see my situation is a pretty bad one and i dont know why i'm seeking justification for their actions maybe because they were so close to me once i dont want to hate them. I guess it would make me feel better if you all said that it was a rebound and it wont last and she'll call me up once things start to go bad but i dont think i can believe that. Maybe i can forgive them in the future but forget? never... I've been told they are feeling awful and when they are together with friends they dont even act like a couple because most people who found out have been in shock. How can they even have a relationship because of all the gossiping going on behind their backs as people begin to find out about the horrible truth. Sorry for the ranting i just needed to vent some of this frustration which has plagued me for some time.

 

I just hope no one ever has to go through the emotional strain i have to go through, i wish i could just cut them out of my life and move on but its almost impossible, we are a large group of close friends cutting them out of my life would mean i'd have see my friends when they are not around and live my new hiding from them two.

[DestructoBoy]

hello eratrya,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I wish I could tell you something earth shattering that will help you forgive and forget but if it existed we'd all be doing great. Usually we all hear that no contact works but in your situation I don't see a way around running in to them.

 

This very well may be a rebound relationship to help her fill her the void that was created? Only time will tell with that. And time, I hate to sound so cliché, will help you to forgive them and be able to move on with your life. Maybe you could contact a few friends you haven't seen in a while that aren't part of that circle? Try hanging out with a few friends from school/work or maybe you should surround yourself with loving family. If this hurts so bad try to see if there is another group of friends you can be around without being constantly reminded of what happened. Then after some time has passed you might be able to forgive and make peace with that happened. Who knows they might not even be together in a few months?

 

My ex has already started seriously dating a new guy too. I've never seen him but the thought of him with her makes me very sad and very angry. She is younger than me too and everyone told me that she just needed to experience life. That was what she said as well but then she jumped into this relationship w/a guy who is 3 yrs younger than her (

You're in a bad spot now but believe me and everyone else on this post, that life will get better and you WILL survive this and be much stronger from it.

 

Good luck with everything brother and keep your head up because you're the better man and if she can't realize that it's her loss.

[Disillusioned]

Hey Eratrya

 

Your situation is one that many of us guys are familiar with. I think the only reason women tend to jump into another relationship so soon is because they can. Let's face it, how many guys do you know will knock back a girl is she's showing the slightest bit of interest in them?? Not many I bet!!

 

I've just broken up with my long-term g/f of 4 years and I know what sort of pain you're in. It's only been a month for me but I believe I will recover soon. This is not the first bust-up we've had but it's a permanent one this time. She broke up with me a couple of years ago and started seeing another guy straight away. I found out afterwards that she was seeing him whilst she was still with me. That hurt so much that I overdosed on painkillers and sleeping tablets. Came about an hour away from complete liver shut down. I went through incredible pain to know that the person I loved so much could something so hurtful.

 

Anyway, afte leaving hospital, I went back to work but had a complete emotional breakdown that I curled up and cried like a baby at my desk. I took some time off work and cnsultatet a psychologist. That helped ease my pain and I was able to let go.

 

After 4 months of not hearing from her, she decides to call me at 3am one day. This being a time when I've taken an interest in someone else and was starting something with them. My ex got dumped and wanted me back. My mistake was taking her back. I should've had learned that she was bound to repeat this but I loved her enough to give it another go.

 

She told me that although she was with the other guy, she couldn't stop thinking about me. She even went as far as saying that she closed her eyes during sex and imagined it was me. She also said that everything with this guy did not compare to what we had. She missed everything we did and thought that this new guy could give her what she wanted. She was wrong! He was OK with her but it just wasn't the same because she didn't love him. She still had strong feelings for me and that's why she decided to track me down and get me back.

 

I don't know if your ex will do the same, but it's happened to me a couple of times. One thing the girls can't deny is the immense tapestry of emotions that they have weaved with their former partners. Although they will try to recreate what they had with you with with someone new, they will never come close. When they realise this, they will do one of two things. They will either try and get you back or they will move on to someone else.

 

I don't know how they can just jump into a new relationship so soon but I guess they are just as lonely as we are but they are can snare a new partner faster then we can. It's just their nature. Men on the other hand, tend to suffer in silence and we also tend to heal slower.

 

My advice to you is move on. It's been 3 months so you are well into the healing process. If it makes you feel any better, go out and have a short term fling. As long as you don't end up hurting this other person. I was fortunate that I was able to call it off with this other girl before any intimacy had occurred. My bet is that if your ex sees that you've moved on, she'll start to think twice about her current partner. And who knows, you might develop feelings for this short term fling and it could end up being the one you've been looking for.

 

I hope all goes well with you and that your pain lessens with each passing day. I know mine will.

 

Good luck buddy.....................

[DestructoBoy]

Wow Disillusioned!!!

 

Great advice!! eratrya listen to this man.....he has been there and done everything. It is easier for a woman to jump back in, and deep down we (men) all know that. You will get through this and be very strong.

 

I'm going to keep this message from Disillusioned

and every time I feel like I've been "replaced" I will look at this and remember the real facets of the relationship.

 

Thank you both for helping me to learn more than I thought I could from my own experience. I really value everyone that posts to this forum, no matter what they say!

 

Thanks and Praise to both of you, and may only the best things happen to those of us who have been so low......

[DestructoBoy]

editing my stupidity

[Tears May Fall]

i know where all you other guys are coming from too, cuz my girl of three years broke up with me last summer, and she had met some guy through a friend a month before we broke up and he had also just come outta a 3 year relationship so they were on a similar page and could relate...and after only 2 weeks of us breaking up, was i to find out theyre going out...i wasnt as surprised as i was sooo shocked...and it tore my heart and body apart like i could never imagined it could happen...i lost 25 lbs in the next month afterwurds, couldnt sleep, couldnt focus on things, screwed up in school that upcoming semester, almost practically became an alcoholic, became a nonstop party animal in hopes of tryin to enjoy being single, but at the end of the day, i was still always just sad and lonely

Her and that guy broke up a month and half into the relationship, but all i kept hearing all along was about how serious they were and how they really enjoyed each other and this and that...then me and my ex like 4 months later decide to try to give this another try, but she put me on the test to try to prove to her ive changed, however we were never together again, as it didnt work out after 7 months of talking...however in that 7 months, i learned a great deal

Women, even though they are breaking up the relationship, get very emotional and tense and nervous about how their life is about to change...and they think very quickly but not very thoughfully in these type of situations, as women usually let their emotions take over them...and thats how guys can easy manipulate them or make them think differently than they normally would, especially in situations like this...why do u think its easier to get a drunk girl into bed than it is a sober one...same scenario...a girl just coming out of a long term relationship is almost just has lost as a girl who took 6 shots of vodka and tequila.

their heart is thriving with pain and emptiness and theyre body is shooting with hormones that cause them to be lonely and want someone to "replace" that lonliness and usually if they do end up gettin intimate with that person, its only outta sexual frustation and horniness due to the hormones flaring during this confused state of mind and also due to them being emotional and not able to think correctly. However, this "rebound" person USUALLY doesnt last long, as the problem arises that the girl is constantly still thinking about you, and all the problems that were in your relationship and caused it to end, are being replicated in her new relationship only because she still has that feared mindset that she hopes this new guy isnt like the one she just left, but because of that, she cant stop thinking bout YOU(the ex), and lets you interfere with the current guy(mentally) and she'll start accusing the current guy of stuff and start throwing stuff in his face that used to start arguments in your old relationship and ultimately this will cause their relationship to end as well...and in the end, wut do you have...a girl who has to get over TWO relationships all at once, but in reality its only one relationship, the long term one she really has to get over, and das the harder one now...the new rebound relationship was just a repeat of the long term hoping that a new guy will change things, but the girls mindset hasnt changed yet and she hasnt moved on so it doesnt work out.

Eventually for some reason or another, once again, she might be lonely and confused, and this time she might try to talk to you again, but will make up excuses to try to see you or talk to you, dont let it get to you as i did and made a mistake of falling into it all over again, history will repeat itself unless the two of you REALLY want to make it work out and put everything from the past behind you but 95% of the time, it just doesnt work and if it does, its extremely hard since now you, the guy, have another guy to deal with having been with your girl in between, and its a hard feeling to face, and trust is hard to develop now too.

This is hard for a guy to interpret because we dont think that way and our emotions dont get to us quite the same way girls do...girls are vulnerable and weak when emotional, and they jump to conclusions rather quickly...guys are stubborn and want to be left alone when emotional, or just want to talk to as many friends as possible and cry their eyes out...guys think too much when theyre emotional, girls think too little when theyre emotional

[Archivist]

Thank you to everyone for your replies and encouraging words. I am also sorry to hear about everyones own different pain, and i hope things work out for all of you.

 

Your all quite right, its easyier for women to jump into another realtionship because most of the time (in my experience) its the men who chase the women and the women who choose their partner. I wonder if any of the women on this board has anything to say about this?

 

Like everyone says time is a great healer, and its not so bad most of the time, just sometimes when i'm not occupied my mind starts to wonder and i start to feel sad or angry again. Like one of you mentioned, i've been trying hard to enjoy myself by suroundnig myself with friends and going out as much as i can, i've started drinking and smoking a lot more than i used to but its a way for me to escape from it all sometimes. It works pretty well, but always at the end of the night i start to think about both of them and it really gets me down again.

 

The funny thing is, whilst we had our time apart a girl showed an intrest in me and i think i could have started a relationship with her if i wanted to, but what held me back was the fact that i was not over my past realtionship i know id just be trying to replace my ex with this new girl and it wouldn't be fair on her. My ex even knew about it and asked lots of questions about us two even though there wasn't anything going on with me and this new girl.

 

It just seems like all the bad things happen to the good people in this world, i always treated my ex with respect and always tried to compromise with her, everyone who knows us both could back me up on that one. She would try aswell but not as hard as i would but she'd show her apreciation by being really caring and intemate with me. She said she'd never want to lose me as a friend ever and even though we may not be together i would still be one of the most special people in her life. Well it seems like shes gone back on all that and decided that she'd throw that all away just to be with this new guy who we've both known for years as a friend. You all say it makes you sick to just think about someone you love being intemate with someone else, with me its even worse. Like i said before time has been a great healer and i just hope it continues until i can finally make peace for myself.

 

Thank everyone again for your words of encouragement and i wish every here the best of luck with their own personal issues.