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first breakup.. the hardest?

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Well, to start off, I was a late bloomer, one of those that didn't date and whatever till mid-twenties. I didn't even have any close friends. I finally met a guy, dated for a year and now out of nowhere he tells me he doesn't want the relationship anymore.


This guy also talked to me online for over a year to get me to meet him, I was too shy to meet, but he put up a chase to get me to meet after so much time. After he finally got me to meet we started dating right away. I guess it was jumped into too soon, but I was kinda blinded to finally have someone so just let it flow. He told me how much he loved me and how hard he fell for me. He said he never fell in love so deeply before. Back last January we went to another state accross the country to meet his grandmother and relatives, he told them we'd be getting engaged soon. He said he went to jewelry stores learning about diamonds to get a ring to get married (not that the ring part matters, but the wanting to marry me part did). I thought this guy was really serious about me, he'd be the first and last.


Last month he said he doesn't want this anymore. We argued sometimes and worked things out before, don't most people? No matter what I say now to work things out, he just says it's over. How can someone go from loving someone so much, wanting to get married and just change one day?


He actually says he wants to stay good friends, best friends. What the hell? How can someone really ask to stay friends when they know you really love them more than that, you can't "just be friends". There feels like there is too much bitterness after hurting me to really remain friends.


This feels like the worst thing I've been through.. it hurts more than someone close to me dying. I never spent so much time crying. This guy chased me in a way till he had me, said how much he wanted me and wanted to get married and have a life with me. I really don't understand how he wanted this so much, then just one day says "I dont want it anymore, that was the past." There's alot of questions on why that he won't answer, so maybe that doesn't help. He was my world, the closest thing I had. I have no close friends to turn to. I have my parents but I don't feel close enough to talk to them about how I'm feeling over this. I feel I won't find someone that's going to love me and treat me as good as he did. People say there will be others, but you know it was so hard for me to just give me heart away the first time, I'm going to be scared this will happen again. I feel bad for the next person I'm with that I wasted so much love on this one person, I gave it all to him. I hate the feeling of going back to being alone.


How should someone in my situation start over and what should I do to be picking myself up? It's been over a month now and I still have that achey feeling in my chest, still kinda hoping he'll rethink things and miss me and call to work things out.

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Its going to take time. This is my second break up now and its so hard. I can't understand how things just changed either, it's like I dont even know him anymore. You will find someone else, and dont worry about them treating you not as good, look how he treated you in the end. You will find someone who wont treat you like that xx

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It's impossible to know at this remove what was going on with him, but at this remove, I'd guess it was a fantasy bond thing. He had this idea in his head that looked a lot like you, and he was in love with this model of you, not you. People break up either because they get into conflict over something, or because they weren't really looking at their partner in the first place.


I can't really imagine staying friends with him.


I don't doubt for a moment that if you have enough self-confidence, and make an effort at looking rather than just hoping it will fall into your lap, there will be others. It's easy when you're young to fall into the trap that it will never, ever happen. Sort of like the way many teenage boys think they're going to be virgins forever. Silly, but a typical mindset if you're very inexperienced.


On the other hand, I won't sugarcoat it and say you'll find a guy who really works for you eventually. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. Yet you have to realize that you haven't actually lost anything, as much as it hurts right now. This guy was not right for you, even though you're telling yourself right now he was. How he's behaving now is how he truly is, not what you'd like him to be. At some point you'll look back and instead of regretting breaking up, you'll regret that you didn't see who he was earlier.


Trust me, I know. My own episode like this was my fourth relationship, not my first, but I spent a lot of time afterward trying to figure out how I could have fixed it, and then much later realized that it was a d***ed good thing I didn't. How long it takes, I can't say. Months at the very least.


Right now it's pretty rough, but it sounds like you're a fairly self-contained person. It may just take you a little while to get back to being comfortable with that.

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This sounds a lot like my situation. I guarantee it gets better, but it's going to take a fair amount of time. I think that's one of the major problems with getting into your first relationship comparatively late in life. At this stage in your life you're more likely to want to commit yourself to someone, while at the same time quite naive about other people. You don't mention how old he is or how much relationship experience he has, but that might play a factor into how he feels. Also, some people simply don't know what they want, and aren't able to voice their feelings. It's very frustrating.


You say that you don't want to talk to your family about it. One thing that helps enormously is to get your feelings out in the open. Talk to anyone you feel comfortable with.


I'm sorry that you're feeling bad right now. The next long while is going to be a lot of ups and downs. Don't do anything too impulsive. If there's something you feel like doing that is major sit on it for a week or so, to see if your feelings change.


I'm free to talk about it, as your story strikes a chord with me, since I went through something similar. I hope you feel better soon.

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jenna -


Life's first big lesson, closure is over rated and rarely exists. People often are not honest with themselves and even less often when explaining why a relationship is ending. Sometimes the why is never known. Look less to what was within him that brought on the end, but instead look to yourself and find what you have learned from this and what you want in your future. Look inside yourself, and see who you are and where you want to go. One can never control whether another will love use and when they no longer do, it feels devastating at first. Acceptance seems impossible, but in tiny steps, we get that acceptance and that is what eventually brings us to healing.


The first breakup or the last breakup, I don't know if one is worse than another, they have their own situations and character.


The hardest part is not the loss of him, but the lose of the hopes and dreams attached. That is a grieving process.


Really spoil yourself right now, be good to yourself, you need to be your own caretaker at this time. It does get better, I promise you.

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jenna, you've got some good replies above, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You will get through this.


In some ways, I'm sure you feel it worse because this is your first and you waited some time before really attaching yourself to someone. To me, that says volumes about your own sense of self-presense.


It is very, very rare for anyone to go through life without heartache. Small comfort, I know...but don't be afraid to talk to people about it. I remember once when I was going through a break up, my oldest brother (12 years older) recalled some of his own past heartbreaks, and I was really touched and shocked to find that someone else so close to me could have gone through so much pain without me knowing. Of course, I was like 12 at the time, but still.


Reach out to the people who care about you and like JustMe said, spoil yourself rotten.



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The hardest part is not the loss of him, but the lose of the hopes and dreams attached. That is a grieving process.



Thanks all for the replies. That quote is probably right, alot of things were planned around him. The response about him being in love with a model of me is something I already thought about, the talking online for so long online before meeting probably formed that for him. Maybe it's like that for me too, I fell for all the sweet talk and attention. I really liked him though. It really feels like I won't find someone I liked as much as him. Doing the whole searching thing again seems like a mountain now.

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How should someone in my situation start over and what should I do to be picking myself up? It's been over a month now and I still have that achey feeling in my chest, still kinda hoping he'll rethink things and miss me and call to work things out.


first breakup..the hardest? .... I wonder this myself. I have only been through one, and it was TERRIBLE. worst period of my life for sure. But, I have learned so much from this. In the future if I go through this, I think ill realise that as much as it hurts, I will get through it. Which I didnt know this time. A close friend of mine has just gone through her second heartbreak, and she says the first time was much worse... this time she knew what to expect, and knew that it wasnt the end of the world no matter how much she felt like it was.


A month is not that long. I had that achey feeling for around three i think. It was about three months before I began to pick myself up.


Soon you will realise that you dont want to work things out with him. The person who you are meant to be with will treat you amazing and will never let you go. Thats what you deserve.


You have to make yourself happy. Think about what you want from life and go out there and get it. Everything else will fall into place when you start working towards your own personal goals.

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I truly hope the first break up is the hardest. Going through my first break up too, same as you, first love, first guy I slept with, first everything really. I feel for you because your situation strikes a chord with me. It is up to us now to pick ourselves up and be happy with ourselves. I think we often forget, during a break up, that we were perfectly happy on our own before we met our ex.

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