I don't know what to do anymore...please help...

[SadHatter]

Well I really need some advice as I’m extremely confused and messed up with my whole situation.

 

I’m 25 (26 this year) and I was in a 2-year relationship with a girl until mid-January this year when she broke up with me. She’d broken up with me already once before, last October, and I went ‘no contact’ for three weeks and she then contacted me and asked me to give it another go, said she loved me so much etc. So, against my better judgement and the advice of friends/family, I got back with her. We were really good again and I thought things were sorted, but after spending a lovely Christmas together (my family even spent Christmas with her family), she then broke up with me again in mid-January, totally out of the blue and unexpectedly.

 

Now, here’s an important part of this. The girl is only 18. She was only 16 when I met her and I’d recently come out of a very bad relationship, where the girl was not a nice person at all (and even hit me a few times!) so I ended it and cut all contact with her. When I met this new, 16-year-old girl, I knew straight away I couldn’t get with her. We met at a bar, she was the best friend of my best friend’s girlfriend. I saw her a few times after this, when she’d be out with my best friend’s girlfriend, and we’d see them at bars/pubs etc. She looked and acted much more mature than her age, and we had a really good laugh together and seemed to click. We had lots in common. After a while, I couldn’t fight my feelings anymore. It seemed the more I tried not to like her, the more I did. She was a lot younger than my previous girlfriend, who was a much nastier person and much more immature, so I figured maybe it didn’t matter.

 

Her parents were obviously initially very worried, but after a while, I became really good friends with them and her dad would even ask me out for beers with him. Both of her parents said they were so pleased she’d met me, she was now a far happier person and I was really good for her.

 

Our two years together were brilliant. We never argued, we always had a laugh together and were really happy. However, she did have major insecurity issues and would ring me at least 2/3 times every single week in tears because she wasn’t happy with the way she looked (and there really isn’t anything wrong with the way she looks, believe me!). Sometimes this would really get me down, but I was always there for her and always listened to her problems. Her parents then broke up, and this was a very difficult time for her. This was exactly this time last year. I was there for her for what was a very bad time for her and she told me she couldn’t have coped with it without me.

 

She told me when we broke up that she loves me so much, but that she isn’t ‘in love’ with me anymore. She said that she knows it sounds crazy, but that she feels like our relationship has got boring and there’s no excitement anymore and that she wants the excitement of a new relationship, or seeing new people. She said that if she looks into the future, she sees me in it, but not as her boyfriend, and she doesn’t want to have children with me or marry me, so what’s the point in staying together?

 

Whenever she saw me, if we hung out, she’d always end up kissing me and cuddling me etc. I’d try not to reciprocate, but it seems so natural with us, I always just fell back into it.

 

We tried the friends thing for a month or so, but then she met two different guys and began having sexual relationships with them, staying overnight at their places etc. She’d tell me in detail of the sexual things they’d done together, and it made me feel sick. Why would she tell me this? I couldn’t handle this, it was killing me, so I had to go ‘no contact’ and she agreed this was the best thing.

 

After two weeks of ‘no contact’ she then got in touch with me and we talked. I played it cool and almost felt guilty for speaking to her, knowing my friends/family would be annoyed at me.

 

She was still seeing one of these other guys at this point, but she kept calling/texting me and it was confusing me – why? Sometimes I’d reply, sometimes I wouldn’t. The texts/calls were nothing meaningful, just general chit-chat about every day things etc.

 

We’ve continued like this ever since, for the past month or so. Both of the guys she was sleeping with are now no longer on the scene. She says this is not the reason for her talking to me and that she proved that by contacting me on a regular basis when one of the guys was still on the scene. She said that I’ll always come first and that I’m miles ahead of any of these guys in her eyes.

 

We’ve met up twice in the past three weeks and both times we’ve ended up sleeping together.

 

I thought I was OK with all of this, but last night we spoke and things still really bothered me. She told me that she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me anymore, but that she loves me as a best friend and hopes we’ll always be the best of friends. She said she really does just need someone new and exciting romantically and that she knows it sounds horrible, but she’s “been there, done that” with me and wants the excitement of meeting someone new. I told her that everyone feels this way, its called the “honeymoon period”, but that will wear off with anyone after a while. I told her that personally, I could find someone new and it would be more exciting than with her as its fresh and unknown, but ultimately, to me, my ex means more to me because having someone who knows you better than anyone, and vice versa, and the history we share together etc. is more important to me.

 

Last night it just felt like we were breaking up all over again. Those feelings of rejection came to the surface again. It is so confusing because I’ve had a good few relationships and whenever they’ve ended, it has been because something has been wrong and it hasn’t worked out. But we’re so good together, it is so stupid we’re not together. And I find myself thinking….”Would I get back with her if she asked me?” and the truth is, I probably wouldn’t because I don’t trust her anymore! So why oh why oh why am I torturing myself over this?

 

I think about going ‘no contact’ again, but no contact seems so much harder than just being friends with her. But I know as soon as another guy comes on the scene, I will be feeling truly awful – so am I in love with her still? She’s told me she honestly wouldn’t mind if I met someone else and she’d be happy for me. I feel like we’re still in a relationship together the way she acts – calling me and texting me every single day, asking me to go to the cinema etc. It’s like we’re together, but she doesn’t have the commitment of a relationship so she can say, “well we weren’t together” if she ever meets someone else.

 

She’s having her 19th Birthday party in July, a big party as she didn’t have one for her 18th, and she says she wants me there more than anyone. She also said to me I’m the best thing that has ever happened to her!

 

I know she’s probably trying to be nice, but I find it so patronising when she says that I’m the best person in the world, the nicest guy she’s ever met, I’m hot, all of these things, yet she doesn’t want to be with me! I just find it patronising and stupid.

 

Last night she even moaned that she has “nobody on the scene” at the moment and its boring and I’m the only person who texts her at the moment! One minute she’s lovely and the next she’ll say something like that and it makes me think she’s just using me and isn’t even actually a nice person. She told me that she needs the adulation of more than one person wanting her/liking her and I'm just not enough right now. She said she needs to be wanted, and she knows I want her and needs more. I said it was ridiculous, and when is it all going to stop? She replied when she meets 'the one'. She said she knows she's like this because she's insecure, but she can't change who she is.

 

I’m so confused, this whole situation is such a mess, and to be honest its my own fault for allowing it to get to this stage. I’m 25, she’s 18, and yet she seems to be calling all of the shots and dictating the whole situation. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I’m in love with her, or just want to have someone there. I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is that I feel like I’m not good enough for her and every time she says she wants to meet someone I think, “Err…hello….what’s wrong with me?” Yet, I know I’d probably not get back with her. Is this my ego/pride hurting or what?

 

Please help. Thank you so much.

[NoPainNoGain]

Holy cow. Leave those girls be. Way to immature. Focus on your life and get girls at least 18 and older.

[Clabs]

Hey SadHatter

 

I am sorry this didn't work out mate - 2 years is a long time to be with someone and it can hurt so bad when it all goes wrong.

 

You got with this girl at a very young age in her life and in those early years people do a lot of growing up - fast.

 

You say that it feels like she has all the control in this and it is true - she does - because you are letting her. She is actually treating you very badly and she is using you. The longer that you allow her to wander in and out of your life or your bed, the longer you will remain in this state of confusion and the longer you will drag out the pain.

 

You say that you think not contacting her would be harder than being her friend and in some respects that is true - but you are just prolonging your agony and this will be topped off nicely when she meets someone new - great!

 

When someone dumps you - that feeling of rejection is the worst - you weren't good enough - at least that is what your mind tells you, even if it wasn't true. But it sounds like this is all about her issues and not anything you have done - remember that.

 

What do you do now? Stop allowing her to use you. Stop being there because she is bored and has nobody else to text. Take back some control by walking away. She has already done this to you once, here she does it again - this has bad news written on it - and the headline to the news is RUN. She has a lot of growing up to do and she has to fully experience what breaking up with you actually entails. Currently she has her cake and is eating it too because she can call on you when she is bored so you can occupy her until someone else comes along. Stop allowing this to happen - stop contacting her - she isn't your friend - how many friends do you have that treat you so shabbily?

 

It is never easy to stop having contact with someone but it does get easier after a while - but it is like giving up any vice or habit - you cannot start getting over it until you stop.

 

Look at what is going on here mate - forget about her insecurities - look at her very very selfish treatment of you - don't you deserve better than that? Look out for your dignity and your self respect - because she bl00dy well isn't - miserable individual - I am getting quite angry about this now and I don't even know the girl (and I don't want to know someone like this!).

 

Hope this helps mate.

 

Mark

[SadHatter]

Thank you Mark for your reply, I really, really do appreciate that. It was a very well-written response and I cannot argue with anything you've said. I knew all of this myself really, and would be giving the exact same advice to one of my friends if he were in the same situation. I guess sometimes when it is happening to us, we cannot see the bigger picture.

 

You're a top guy Mark, thanks

[Clabs]

No worries mate and thank you for your kind words!

 

I posted on another thread just recently that said that many of us can give very good advice yet struggle to take our own advice - and of course it is because it is much easier to see the wood through the trees if you are not emotionally entangled.

 

It ain't gonna be easy but it is the easiest route out of this mess!

 

Mark

[SadHatter]

Well...Ignored two phone calls from her today and an online message...received a text from her about 2 hours ago saying, "ignoring me today then? that is not very friend like"

[EyesOnThePrize]

Well...Ignored two phone calls from her today and an online message...received a text from her about 2 hours ago saying, "ignoring me today then? that is not very friend like"

 

Ooo...the passive-aggressive approach...my ex was good at that one. And, I don't find the P-A particularly friend-like, either. I think its okay to let her stew on things...if she has something important to say, she can text that or leave a voice mail.

 

Just my opinion.

[J_man]

yikes. i was involved with someone 5 years younger than me once. for the time, it was great. but once it had run it's course, i was best served by sticking to NC and moving on. as mature as she may seem when she was with you, her age seems to be showing with her dealings with you now. it's time to be firm and not let her have this kind of control over you man. difficult, but for the best. and we're all here for support, so keep on posting

[tazthecat]

Dude you're allowing her to have her cake and eat it too..She is def using you until someone else comes along..Save face, embrace your self worth, and say goodbye to her..

[SadHatter]

Thanks I didn't realise Skeletor had a nice side!

[J_man]

yeah well the world has humbled me into being more pleasant in recent years