Suzanne1281 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 If you have been reading any of my posts, you know my ex's ex is moving here this summer in what he describes as a "last ditch effort' to get him back. He told me he's fallen in love with me, introduced me to his family and then immediately after says he doesn't know what's going to happen between him and her this summer. Now I don't want to be with him at this point, but he has done a lot of lying, has made her out to be not so great a person to me so I am sure he has done the same about me to her. I am dreading having to see them this summer, I am dreading what I will be made out to be and how I will be treated. I am having anxiety attacks, don't sleep, eat and cannot concentrate on work because it is eating away at me to tell him my fears about this. I have nightmares about it when I do sleep and the constant worrying will not go away. The last we saw each other he told me I "deserved to have my say" and that "we'll talk soon." In this case, I want to know if letting him know about my fears might help-not to get him back but to ease my anxiety. I would like advice from someone who is not going through a hard time right now like me-while I do appreciate finding out I am not alone in this situation, I need advice. I originally wrote this when I was having anxiety attacks last night I am not sure how rational it is though: "I really do need to say some things. This is getting ridiculous. I don't want to bring you down and I'm happy for your success right now, but I am having anxiety attacks because I am holding all of this stuff in. I don't know if this is beating a dead horse, but please, I deserve my say, just as you said I did. Stop being a coward. I need to talk to you. No, I'm not going to pressure you into being with me, that's jnot even what I want from you right now. But I have a couple of fears about what you told me about this summer and I deserve to be able to talk to you about them. I am not doing this over a facebook message: I deserve better. Text or call me when you're available. Please dont' make me hold this in any longer. I don't deserve this." I would like to write something a little more rational sounding. Please, I need advice from someone who has already been through this and gotten past it and can look back in hindsight. Thank you Link to comment
wtm78 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 you cant write something that "SOUNDS" more rational... they say "out of the abundance of your heart" ... IMO, you should get well.. BE rational before you consider to write that letter... Link to comment
Suzanne1281 Posted April 28, 2008 Author Share Posted April 28, 2008 Yeah-I am not well at all right now and am scheduling counseling today actually. I have a history of depression and anxiety and this has triggered it again. So basically I should not say anything at all? I really don't know how to go on about this in silence. He knows about my past anxiety history and that was one of his fears when all this started-that he was worried about me doing something stupid. I didn't, I gave him his space until he contacted me again last week. But now this is rearing its ugly head again and I feel like I need him to know what state I'm in. Link to comment
eurocar Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 I doubt he will respond to that message at all, whether via Facebook, text, or phone. It's a little bit scary; he may think you'll fly off the handle or something. He has no idea what you are "holding in." If I got that message, I probably wouldn't call you back. Sorry. Just my $0.02. Link to comment
Yodabell Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 You would be better not to send it. At all. Nothing you do or say about his ex or find out about their relationship is going to change things. If he wants to be with his ex and that's what she wants, then leave them to it. You cannot change your ex's actions or change his feelings or his thoughts. Talk to a friend about your fears. Fear and anxiety are terrible things to deal with, but get help from other people, not from your ex. Assume that you will never hear from your ex again, and move towards looknig after yourself and healing. Remember that your ex is doing what he thinks is best for him. Link to comment
Yodabell Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Yeah-I am not well at all right now and am scheduling counseling today actually. I have a history of depression and anxiety and this has triggered it again. So basically I should not say anything at all? I really don't know how to go on about this in silence. and I feel like I need him to know what state I'm in. Great that you are going to see someone No, don't say anything to your ex. Talk to friends, talk to us, talk to yourself, talk to family. But not your ex. What good will it do for him to know 'what sort of state you're in'? He may feel sorry for you - I don't think you would want that? He may feel guilty - but that doesn't help you, it just makes him feel rubbish too. If he wants to know how you are - he'll be in touch. You can't guilt someone into coming back or changing how they feel about you. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you - go to your counselling, go jogging, meet a friend for a coffee, have a hot bath with bath salts, lots of things to help you feel better xx Link to comment
Suzanne1281 Posted April 28, 2008 Author Share Posted April 28, 2008 Euro-you're right, I wouldn't respond either. When one of my ex's started sending me messages like that a couple of years ago, I had to ignore him because all he was doing was flying off the handle. Yet he said his ex flew off the handle and he had a lot of conversations with her about it. Why not me? Yoda-Basically I think I'm hurt because he told me his ex freaked out when he told her the truth and he went through a lot of phone conversations and face to face conversations with her. Yet he knows my history and won't speak to me at all. I am talking to friends and family but think they are sick of hearing of it so I don't say anything. I am also doing every positive thing in the book but this isn't going away. I will just have to "pretend" I'm well in front of him and just ignore him if I see him with the ex I guess. Link to comment
Roguespirit Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 As much as I know the feeling of wanting to have your say. I strongly suggest you not say anything to him. All it will do is give him power over you and keep that connection between you guys alive. As hard as it is its best to just let it go and move on. I have been in your shoes in a way. My ex said he loved me in the same sentence as saying he loved another girl. ...2 months later...he left me for her...but still i didnt let go because it didnt feel finished to me...I talked to him about how I felt...gave my say...let him know exactally how I felt...2 months after that he came back to me cause she tried to make him choose between us. Now about 2 years later. We arent together anymore...who knows if he still wants her...but the thing is I let that connection stay never knowing if he loved me. In between that time we had a daughter together...so my circumstances are different im sure But the thing thats the same is this...by talking to him about how you feel...you are just leaving him ammo. be it to hurt you later...or to try to gain control over you...which ever the case dont waste your time on telling someone how you feel...when by the simple fact that he cant decide if he wants you or her...all that says is if he does want you in the end....he didnt want you enough right now. those doubts arent worth the pain they cause later. If you must write it down...write out what you would say to him..all your fears...anxity feelings...everything...write it all down in a letter to him...say anything you want...even tell of whatever pain and anger youve felt...once you write it out...read it as much as you need to...then burn it. Yeah call me crazy but that helped immensly for me when ive done it in the past. get whatever help you need for the depression too. Its best not to leave it stewing. Take the support from friends and family...even a kind word from a stranger. The more days go by...the less that need to let him know how you feel will be. My best wishes to you. And if you ever need another friend...id be more than glad to be there. I know im new here...but its just how i am Link to comment
eurocar Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Euro-you're right, I wouldn't respond either. When one of my ex's started sending me messages like that a couple of years ago, I had to ignore him because all he was doing was flying off the handle. Yet he said his ex flew off the handle and he had a lot of conversations with her about it. Why not me? Perhaps. But I think it's actually detrimental to the healing process to do what you are talking about doing. What seems intuitive or natural in a relationship, or afterwards, is not necessarily the "best" thing to do, by no means. It is natural for guys, for example, to mate with an attractive girl they see on the street, but due to cultural and moral inhibitions, they don't. This is analogous, only you'll actually be shooting yourself in the foot by initiating further contact with him. Distance yourself, do not attempt to get closer. Link to comment
wtm78 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Yeah-I am not well at all right now and am scheduling counseling today actually. I have a history of depression and anxiety and this has triggered it again. So basically I should not say anything at all? I really don't know how to go on about this in silence. He knows about my past anxiety history and that was one of his fears when all this started-that he was worried about me doing something stupid. I didn't, I gave him his space until he contacted me again last week. But now this is rearing its ugly head again and I feel like I need him to know what state I'm in. have a good session with your counsellor.. talk to him/her about what you are feeling right now.. see what she say.. Link to comment
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