My anxiety is overwhelming my life-can I please have closure conversation with ex?

[Suzanne1281]

I feel like the heartbreak over my ex has gone on long enough-1 month is too long to still be feeling like this. Writing posts on here about it has gone on long enough too I feel. The problem is my anxiety is overwhelming me. I wake up literally every morning at 4am and can't go back to sleep for thinking of him and what he's done to me. I can't even escape my worry when I do sleep: I have bad dreams every single night of him being with his ex. The last time we saw each other, I told him I had a lot to say and he told me I deserved that. He said "we'll talk soon" when we parted ways, but now he's not contacting me at all. I can't sleep, eat, or work. I keep myself busy but can't enjoy anything b/c it's all I think about. I have even taken all the positive steps: gotten a makeover, started to date casually, gotten a great job, etc. But I can't kick this.

 

I am dreading this summer: his ex is moving here for the summer in what he described as a "last ditch effort" to get him back and he "doesn't know what's going to happen." Last weekend, he tells me this moments after he tells me he has fallen in love with me, and inviting me out to meet his family. And after telling me he told his ex he still has feelings for her but doesn't know if it can work after everything that's happened. What worries the hell out of me is that he's lied so much and twisted the truth so much, that I have no idea what he's said about me to her. I'm scared of when our paths will cross this summer (he and I have mutual friends and both of us refuse to be isolated). I asked him if he was going to crush me this summer and he vehemently told me "no" he wouldn't. I told him I know I can't control his feelings, and that I don't trust him at all right now. He said he wants to earn my trust back, but then I don't hear from him at all. I just read a great post on here about how we shouldn't be wasting our time on people who broke our trust and hurt us so much in the first place, but my worry over this is getting ridiculous.

 

I have not been able to voice my fears to him, or let him know that I'm not going to pressure him into a relationship right now because his head is so not in the right place for one. I know no contact is the way to go, but I am so overwhelmed right now with not sleeping, not being able to concentrate on work, etc along with my anxiety and depression coming back, that I feel like I need to say these things to him. I can't hold them in anymore. And worrying about this even in my dreams is taking its toll on me. I don't want to do it in an e-mail either. I also (in a foolish act of caring about him) don't want to bring him down: he just hit a stride professionally and I don't want to drag him back down. Please, I need to know what to do to put myself at peace about this.

[just M.E.]

This isn't about him ... this is about you. He has told what you are going to get from him, conflicting messages, mixed signals. What do you want for yourself?

 

Don't say you want him to be ... blah, blah, blah ...

 

Say I want a friend, lover, companion, b/f, whatever who is ... fill in what you need but be realistic, never want from another what you yourself cannot be.

 

Don't expect that he will be all that you hope when he isn't giving you that consistency now. Can you learn to let go and live in the moment and enjoy his company?

 

You control your own anxiety, it bases within ourselves in fear and anger both. Fear of the lack of control, that bad things will happen, that we will be hurt. Anger in the lack of control ... can you see the theme?

 

If, in your own mind, this is all revolving around him and what he does next, then you will just be a feather in the wind of his decisions. We all need to gather ourselves and take control and accountability for what we want our lives to be. You have this within you. Closure comes from within ourselves and acceptance of what happens, no magic conversation from another gives us closure. We all need to look to ourselves for this not outside ourselves.

 

You don't have to reject him, you have to embrace who you are and be comfortable with that. You have decided what your limits, your boundaries and your choices are. Then the anxiety lessons.

[Litgirl01]

I am right there with you waking up in the morning thinking about stuff he did! Stinks!! Hang in there...be gentle on yourself and allow yourself the time to heal! xx

[Suzanne1281]

I am right there with you waking up in the morning thinking about stuff he did! Stinks!! Hang in there...be gentle on yourself and allow yourself the time to heal! xx

 

So I take it this means to NOT contact him and keep on keepin on with my own life, right?

[Litgirl01]

So I take it this means to NOT contact him and keep on keepin on with my own life, right?

 

That's what I am doing!!! Not easy...but necessary!

[littlej]

I've been there. Going through that now. It will get better in time.

[Suzanne1281]

I've been there. Going through that now. It will get better in time.

 

 

It's so hard when I'm sitting here hurting, obsessing, not knowing after he told me we would talk, that he wanted to earn my trust back...all I want is to be able to tell him how I'm feeling, that I don't expect a relationship, that I'm scared of what will happen. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep holding this stuff in. Honestly, is this really the way to go?

 

I mean I am losing sleep.

 

The last contact I had with him was friendly-on Thursday the commercial his band's song is featured in came on tv and I texted him to say I saw it and I was happy for him. He texted back that he was so excited about it and apologized for not replying earlier b/c his phone was in a different room. I didn't get the text til the next day so I texted him back "Didn't get your text til this morning-I'm glad you are excited."

 

That was that. No more contact from him at all. Did I screw up that bad?

[Litgirl01]

I have been dying to talk to my ex lately too! What stops me is fear that he may say something that hurts me...which will set me back! I feel that if he really wants to talk etc...he will contact me.

[Suzanne1281]

I have been dying to talk to my ex lately too! What stops me is fear that he may say something that hurts me...which will set me back! I feel that if he really wants to talk etc...he will contact me.

 

I didn't contact my ex at all and then out of the blue last Saturday he invited me out to meet his brothers. I am not stopped by fear he will say something that will hurt me, but by him thinking I am the crazy ex (which honestly I don't think he'll ever think b/c I haven't done anything crazy.) Anyway, last Saturday he apologized for not calling and said he feared that if he did call he would find me hating him. I don't know. He said we would "talk soon" and that I deserved to get to talk it out with him, but he hasn't contacted me. I basically want to contact him to say, "Hey, I still have things to get off my chest and you said I deserved to. What's going on?"

[Litgirl01]

I think you should just leave it alone! Let him contact you! I don't know him though or the nature of your breakup/relationship. It's just what I would do!

[flyingdodo]

I think you should just leave it alone! Let him contact you! I don't know him though or the nature of your breakup/relationship. It's just what I would do!

 

That's what I'd do too. If you feel you need to get things off your chest then do it here!

[EyesOnThePrize]

I have been dying to talk to my ex lately too! What stops me is fear that he may say something that hurts me...which will set me back! I feel that if he really wants to talk etc...he will contact me.

 

I'm dying to talk to my ex about all I've discovered in the last 2 1/2 weeks and just share my growth with her. And every day I remind myself "you promised yourself 30 days...trust yourself, trust her. You will get there." Besides, IMO my learning is nowhere near complete.

[Suzanne1281]

Yeah, but in my situation, it was left open ended-he said we would talk and that I deserved to be able to get things off my chest and now he hasn't contacted me. I'm currently having an anxiety attack: I can't breathe, I have chest pains and I'm really dizzy.

[Yodabell]

Hang in there Suzanne - things will get better

 

Forget about talking to your ex to try to understand about the break up - he may not understand himself. And it probably won't help you.

 

Focus instead on spending time with people who care about you, and doing things that you enjoy doing. If your anxeity is really bad, maybe ararnge to see a therapist or counsellor.

 

Your feelings are all part of the grieving process, and you need to take really good care of yourself at the moment. Try to get enough rest, eat healthy foods, and exercise. I found running with a friend was wonderful when I had a whole lot of anxiety going on.

 

Every evening, an hour or so before you go to bed, write down 5 things that you are grateful for in your life or that you have appreciated about the day. It may be things as simple as a good cup of tea!

 

And vent on here or in a journal - not to your ex. You have no idea how he is thinking or feeling, leave him to get on with it in his own way and on his own.

[Yodabell]

Yeah, but in my situation, it was left open ended-he said we would talk and that I deserved to be able to get things off my chest and now he hasn't contacted me. I'm currently having an anxiety attack: I can't breathe, I have chest pains and I'm really dizzy.

 

It's not open-ended: he may have said you would talk, but if he's not contacted you to do that, then it's not a priority for him at the moment. Assume that he's not going to contact you - then if he does, you can deal with it when it happens. But worrying and fretting about him maybe contacting you is no good for you. And you are important!

 

You do deserve to get things off your chest - but write them down, talk to a good, trustworthy friend or your family, or go somewhere outdoors and shout it out to the world.

 

You will get through this, I promise!

[heavenearth]

Yeah, but in my situation, it was left open ended-he said we would talk and that I deserved to be able to get things off my chest and now he hasn't contacted me. I'm currently having an anxiety attack: I can't breathe, I have chest pains and I'm really dizzy.

 

Been there, done that. Chest pain, headache, no sleep 3 days straight, lose almost 15 KG in a week, almost called ambulance on myself lol *Duh!* After almost 2 years finally saw the light just a few months ago.

 

The truth is, you'll make it, better, stronger, and wiser. It's all about you now.

[Suzanne1281]

It's not open-ended: he may have said you would talk, but if he's not contacted you to do that, then it's not a priority for him at the moment. Assume that he's not going to contact you - then if he does, you can deal with it when it happens. But worrying and fretting about him maybe contacting you is no good for you. And you are important!

 

You do deserve to get things off your chest - but write them down, talk to a good, trustworthy friend or your family, or go somewhere outdoors and shout it out to the world.

 

You will get through this, I promise!

 

 

Thank you for your advice. I actually did just settle down with a nice cup of tea. AND I talked to both my sister and mother today and feel so much better. It was so weird, once I finally said everythign that he did to me out loud, I realized how ridiculous it would be to even go near him right now. My problem is I hold it all in.

[Litgirl01]

Good for you Suzanne! I'm going to write out all the stuff my ex did to me tonight! It helps!!

[Yodabell]

I actually did just settle down with a nice cup of tea. AND I talked to both my sister and mother today and feel so much better.

 

My problem is I hold it all in.

 

Well done Suzanne! You have done the right thing. And now next time you feel that you must desperately talk to your ex - remember how much better you felt talking to people who still love you

 

Writing it in a notebook helps too. Sometimes, if you think the thought that is most distressing to you at the time, then write it out 10 times - it helps.

[Suzanne1281]

Well done Suzanne! You have done the right thing. And now next time you feel that you must desperately talk to your ex - remember how much better you felt talking to people who still love you

 

Writing it in a notebook helps too. Sometimes, if you think the thought that is most distressing to you at the time, then write it out 10 times - it helps.

 

Wow, you have awesome advice. I will keep an eye out for any tips you may have!

 

I have been distressing this morning over how I'm going to handle this summer and having to see him with her and how much I miss him. And right when I wanted to text him that I miss him, and go and look at his facebook page, I got my notebook out to start just writing these things out instead of continuing to torture myself like this.