Books about going NC aren't helping me.

[archlighting]

Its been a week now. People are telling me that every day will get a tiny bit better as long as I stay busy and among the living, and don't retreat into my bedroom alone. I suppose they are right. I am getting through the days and getting so wrapped up in work that every now and then I forget for a few minutes. The mornings are still as painful as the first ones, though.

 

I am trying to read books and listen to people, anything that will provide some promise of relief. Most of the books however, are geared towards convincing you to go NC. They try to explain that your dignity and self worth are too high to obsess over him, and that basic preservation requires No Contact. Here's the thing: NC was never my problem and I don't need convincing. I'm not the type that begs for another chance, and without him soliciting me first, I would be too uncomfortable to contact him on my own. I still miss him desperately and despite being so hurt so much I still love him, but NC is not a problem for me. (And apparently not for him either).

 

So.. thereforeeee these books aren't helping me. The only form of NC I have had to impose on myself was to stop looking at facebook/myspace/AIM. But I deleted my pages and blocked the sites on my computer within 2 days. I know there are no answers, and no solutions. I would do anything to take this pain away. My head has accepted that its over. That I will never see him again. But my heart and body will not. I still haven't been able to drink or eat anything and its been a week now. And while I can now fall asleep, I'm beginning to become afraid to go to sleep, because I don't want this feeling when I wake up.

 

So, the books I've found aren't working. I tried making index cards each with something negative about him or our relationship to read when I cant stop the good memories. The only thing on my card is that he "broke up with me in this terrible way, and hurt me." One card isn't outweighing 4 great years.

 

Are there any other words someone can tell me. Any other books that are aimed towards mending my pain, not teaching me how to stay away from him/not eat junk food/not call into work?

 

I know it will eventually get better. That I'm young (24) and am a great person and I'll eventually find someone else and be happy again. But I think I need to hear it more from someone else. I feel so weak and ridiculous asking for help like this. One thing this breakup took away from me was my independence and strength apparently. I am finding myself afraid/not wanting to be alone. I'm supposed to be getting an apartment in Manhattan this summer, that he was never even going to move into/be involved in, yet I still can't face living alone. So again, I know that this pain will someday go away and I feel ridiculous, but, could someone tell me again, please?

[just M.E.]

It does get better, it really does but that first week, that first month, those are hard times. It doesn't get easier if you have been through this before, but you know what to expect, the ups and downs the emotional swings. Hang in there, be good to yourself, I promise it does get better.

[just M.E.]

Try Necessary Loses by Judith Viorst

[karvala]

Sure I'll tell you: It does get better (or at least I hope so! LOL). In the meantime, based on your comments, three concrete(ish) suggestions

 

(1) You seem susceptible to the common post-breakup daily cycle (agonising mornings especially, and improving a bit as the day goes on?), in which case in the evenings, write something down, just one thing even, about how you will be alright. Even if you don't entirely believe it, have something that you can show yourself the following morning, to prove that you can feel better than you could otherwise possibly believe in that morning.

 

(2) Rather than read breakup books, especially ones just saying "go NC" when you already know that, read self-improvement books, perhaps related to breakups. At least then some of your damaged self-esteem can get something to hold onto, some sense that not everything is wasted in this situation and that you are somehow tentatively advancing towards the future.

 

(3) Find more things to write on those index cards, at least during those few moments you're feeling slightly stronger. You know he wasn't perfect, you know there were some things about him you didn't like, it's just incredibly hard to see in a situation like yours at the moment. Or if you *really* can't manage that (and be honest with yourself about that), at least write down some ideal characteristics that a guy would have that he didn't possess.

[hockeyboy]

ive been in a 4 year relationship..and 1 week later there isn't a huge difference. time is what is going to happen and while you may feel a little better each day...it takes some time to notice any significant change.

 

i remember reading a few books..they didn't really do much for me either.