whenever I like someone my psychological issues rise to the surface

[Lucy__lou]

I know it's bad practice to act flakey when you're trying to win the affection of someone new, but I find that if I really like someone, I start revealing all my flakeyness. My anxiety will come to the surface, and I'll find myself confessing a lot of my faults to them. It's like I'm trying to get them to accept me warts and all, but it's inevitably a turn off.

 

Most of the time, I feel pretty stable and good about myself. I have problems I guess, but I've structured my life so that I'm not constantly battling with them (e.g. I get anxiety in a lot of social settings, mostly rejection sensitivity, so I just don't try to make friends (wouldn't know how to anyway), and I don't go out much). I guess my darkest secret that I end up confessing is that I don't really have a social life. I don't have many friends really, and I'm a social recluse. It's not that I want the guy to save me from my solitude, but it does turn them off. How do I stop this urge to confess my issues to guys I'm interested in?

[civilservant]

Hey, I know exactly what you mean, because I do the VERY same thing. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd like to hear them too.

[angelsoft]

If you are a recluse than that's a big problem for you. You can't live life in isolation like that. People WILL begin to think that you are weird. Are you in school? Do you work? I'm sure you can meet people that way.

[angelsoft]

Even if it takes a lot of energy to talk to someone you don't know, DO IT! It's the only way you will gain practice and will eventually break out of these irrational feelings you have about other people.

[angelsoft]

Don't come down on yourself because you have anxiety in social situations. Almost everyone has some anxiety walking into a situation that they don't know the outcome of. Everyone experiences anxiety every single day. It's something that just can't be avoided.

 

If you keep on isolating yourself from people, than being around them is going to keep on getting harder and harder for you, until one day you won't even want to leave the house.

[nilli]

Don't have any useful advice for you, just wanted to say that I feel the same way myself. I fear that relationshios really bring out the worst in me and, although i've certainly becaome more social in recent times, I still balk at relationships...especially when I sense that the person is far more stable than me. I tell them my faults in a jokey way and I think for me it's like I'm saying 'don't expect any better from me'.

 

Another issue is that I'm not very good at saying what my qualities are...when I'm asked..I get all tongue-tied and confused because as soon as I think of something, I can find examples to counter that.

 

Perhaps being aware that this is a tendency is a good thing, it's the start of trying to change it.

[angelsoft]

^^You both need to stop giving everyone else so much credit. What makes you any worse off than someone else?

[Lucy__lou]

Well actually, I'm quite a friendly and sociable person. I do talk to people, but at the same time I'm guarded and wouldn't have a clue how to make friends to spend time with one on one, which I like the best. I am friendly at work, but at the same time, I don't know how to make outside work friends. I am not from this town originally, and I haven't managed to meet many people outside work or my housemates and made any friends. I don't know how others do it. What I do know is that when people catch wind of the fact that I'm alone, they back off. Perhaps they sense my loneliness. I don't enjoy parties unless I have people there I've already had time to get to know one on one.

 

I'm usually quite defiant about the prejudice that exists for people who don't have friends, but when I like someone, I guess I start to feel a bit heavy at the idea of them putting that prejudice on me. Hence the urge to confess before I get too attached.

[karvala]

If you are a recluse than that's a big problem for you. You can't live life in isolation like that. People WILL begin to think that you are weird. Are you in school? Do you work? I'm sure you can meet people that way.

 

You'd certainly think this should be true, but curiously in my experience it doesn't really matter. Even in my most reclusive days (and I'm not exactly a party animal even now), when I found someone I wanted to be with and fooled her into thinking I was a great guy my lack of friends at the time was not something that made her run for this hills. This happened more than once as well. That's not to say that being the life and soul of the party doesn't help make you more attractive, because it certainly does (I also know that from experience), but social status is only one of a number of status variables that people use when deciding if someone is worth being with.

[karvala]

I'm usually quite defiant about the prejudice that exists for people who don't have friends, but when I like someone, I guess I start to feel a bit heavy at the idea of them putting that prejudice on me. Hence the urge to confess before I get too attached.

 

If you're experiencing this, I think it's most likely because of the way you go about it. It can be cute, and make you look like a relaxed, easy catch that a guy doesn't have to feel threatened with if you do it right. But yes, it can look like something out of a horror film if you do it wrong.

[angelsoft]

I bet you people don't "back off" like you say they do. I think you walk into situations expecting to be rejected and so you "unconsciously" do things that would make someone reject you. It's all in your head.

 

You need to have a little faith in people and most of all, yourself. It's not that hard to make friends. It's simple. Just be yourself. If you really want to make friends outside of work, than ask a coworker that you are friendly with if they would like to get lunch. It's not that hard. Over time, you will get to know that person and you guys will eventually start calling each other more and more and hanging out more and more.

 

One thing you have to understand about friendships is that true, meaningful friendships take time to build. If you want some weak friendship with someone you will always get into it with than just go to a club and talk to some of the people there. I gaurantee you--you will have friends left and right, but they won't mean anything and once you grow up and move on, they will still be the same old people you met and you will grow apart.

 

Instead of worrying about how many friends you have or don't have, you should start putting some of that effort into yourself. You should get into things you enjoy like maybe art or rock climbing? Get into something that you enjoy. You can easily make friends that you share common interests with.

 

Just remember, your life doesn't revolve around how many people you know or don't know. Your life is YOUR life and you do with it what you want. But just remember, you should live life to the fullest and do the things you might not get to do tomorrow.

[angelsoft]

You'd certainly think this should be true, but curiously in my experience it doesn't really matter. Even in my most reclusive days (and I'm not exactly a party animal even now), when I found someone I wanted to be with and fooled her into thinking I was a great guy my lack of friends at the time was not something that made her run for this hills. This happened more than once as well. That's not to say that being the life and soul of the party doesn't help make you more attractive, because it certainly does (I also know that from experience), but social status is only one of a number of status variables that people use when deciding if someone is worth being with.

 

I agree fully

[Aviatormy]

The easiest way to fix this confessional type of behavior is to have nothing really to confess too.

 

What I mean is, fix the problem that you are confessing about and then you wont have to bring it up as a fault.

 

Best way to fix this is by trying to get out. Make it a goal to get out just once a week with a friend. While you are out, play the 3 second rule. The 3 second rule is as follows.....

 

Wherever you are (bar, club, church, work, school or mall), find someone that you want to talk to. Once you have spotted this individual, count to 3 and then start walking over to them. On the way over there don't think about what you are going to say. If you think about it too much then you will freeze up.

 

I tell my friends that have a hard time socially to do this and it is VERY effective. The reaason for the 3 seconds is because if you take any longer than you are most likely going to talk yourself out of it.

 

Just walk up to whomever it is and say something simple. Even "Hi my name is ______ I really like your shirt/neclace/ETC.... Where did you get it?"

 

This will initiate some sort of conversation.

 

I was the same way, sheltered, shy, far from being social and to be honest... a "dork". I tried this 3 second rule out for about a month and then it became very natural to me. I can go up and talk to anyone I wish now. 99 out of 100 people will welcome small chat

[Lostkitton]

I do the same thing and feel the same way. I act like I am in a confession booth or something and just start to blurt things out. Nerves make you do the silliest things. Best thing to do is to be fully aware of what you are doing and try to stop it before you have revealed every wart you have. I still find myself doing this a lot, but if I remember to breathe, I can control it.

 

Basically, you feel like you are going to be rejected due to your fear of rejection. You set yourself up, so it isn't so hard when you fall.

[angelsoft]

Here's good tip. Take a moment before you start talking. If you feel like you are going to get all nervous and feel your heart start beating a little harder or your palms getting sweaty, take a minute to walk away from the situation. Go into a bathroom or outside or something and take a few deep breaths. Rationalize with yourself that your thoughts are irrational and that you will stay in the moment. Tell yourself that you will not go off on a tangent and stay in the present.

 

This will work if you follow the steps. You have to calm down.

 

Do you have hypertension?

[angelsoft]

Not being sarcastic I promise, but your looks probably also help your "small chat". Wouldn't you say?

[eurocar]

Honestly, people do get turned off by people who have limited or nonexistent social lives. I know from experience. I'm far more attracted to the person whom everyone knows, respects, and loves to hang out with than the person who clearly doesn't have many friends and who hangs out in a corner at parties, etc. That's just human nature, a sort of supply and demand. There's only one of a particular person, and the more demand there is, the more demand will grow! Conversely, if there's not much "demand" for a particular person, inertial forces dictate that it will continue thusly unless something explicitly changes.

 

So, I would work on one of two things: a) projecting an air of confidence and social contentment on potential romantic prospects, or b) creating a social life for yourself so that you have nothing embarrassing to confess to.

 

For the record, I'm exactly like you, and this advice is a bit hypocritical, but I've consciously curbed my inclinations to confess to these things expressly because I know they don't help one's chances in a relationship, until two people know each other well enough to confide.

[Lostkitton]

Have you ever been somewhere, a person walks into a room and the room just lights up? Then lets say you walk into a room and you feel like no one has noticed you? It's how one carries themselves and the confidence they have. I feel you are a shy person. Not really outgoing like you want to be. So, you keep to yourself hoping that no one approches you for fear of being rejected. People can sense that. Body language speaks louder than words.

 

Like I said before, I do the same thing and I know your situation all too well. It's hard to overcome, but with practice you will feel a bit better. When I walk into a room, I try to remind myself to hold my head up and have a smile. Not a big smile, but something more welcoming more inviting. Just try to be more aware of yourself.

[Aviatormy]

Not being sarcastic I promise, but your looks probably also help your "small chat". Wouldn't you say?

 

LOL... thank you

 

Hun, I didn't look anything NEAR this a year ago. Add 60lbs and 27% more body fat and viola!.... an insecure, shy "loser" (in my eyes). I took up this 3 second rule and became a social butterfly. This in turn helped out my confidence and gave me the drive to better myself physically as well

[angelsoft]

What someone on here said about "walking into a room and the whole room lights up"...I have a question about that. Dose anyone agree that having too much confidence can be a turnoff to people?????? Does being into yourself and your appearance make people look at you funny? Most of the time I feel as though other women are intimidated by me because "I'm not going to lie" I am a beautiful above average person. I am very beautiful in the face and sometimes I find that girls find that "confidence in me" a nose turner. Do you think people will notice that and get intimidated?

[Lostkitton]

What someone on here said about "walking into a room and the whole room lights up"...I have a question about that. Dose anyone agree that having too much confidence can be a turnoff to people?????? Does being into yourself and your appearance make people look at you funny? Most of the time I feel as though other women are intimidated by me because "I'm not going to lie" I am a beautiful above average person. I am very beautiful in the face and sometimes I find that girls find that "confidence in me" a nose turner. Do you think people will notice that and get intimidated?

 

 

There is a difference in walking into a room with confidence and walking into a room a knowing you look good. Like I said, body language speaks louder than words.

My younger sister, she is very outgoing. She walks into a room and people want to talk to her. She is overweight, but knows how to carry herself. Me on the other hand complete opposite.

[Aviatormy]

What someone on here said about "walking into a room and the whole room lights up"...I have a question about that. Dose anyone agree that having too much confidence can be a turnoff to people?????? Does being into yourself and your appearance make people look at you funny? Most of the time I feel as though other women are intimidated by me because "I'm not going to lie" I am a beautiful above average person. I am very beautiful in the face and sometimes I find that girls find that "confidence in me" a nose turner. Do you think people will notice that and get intimidated?

 

 

 

It all depends on how high you stick your "nose" up.

 

You can walk around and talk to only those that meet your "standards" and seem stuck up or cocky. Or you can walk around without judging anyone, talk to everyone and people will look up to you as a person with a lot of confidence and someone that they can really relate to.

 

I try my best to talk to everyone I can when I go to a social gathering. Its a great way for networking. I have met people that I can go golfing with, fishing, get me discounts on car parts, help me pass my emissions testing cause my exhaust on my mustang is illegal and many other things.

 

If you limit the people you talkk to or judge someone by the way they look or the lack of confidence they portray, then you are no better than that JERK next door.

 

In my group of friends we welcome everyone into it. We do not say "you dress retarded" "your too quiet" or "you laugh weird". We more loess LOVE these shy people and try to encourage them to get out there and gain more confidence. If someone is quiet around us we begin to address them in a social manner. We talk about things that we know they like so they are excited about talking to us and they don't have to think too hard about what to say.

[KAT MOMMY]

I think you need to become comfortable with your differences. Just because you like your solitude doesn't mean that you are weird and don't deserve love. Stop m aking excuses for your own behavior and just be yourself. I have no friend either and it's OK with me, I live a normal settled life too and it's nothing wrong with that. YOu are who you are until you stop breathing so first love yourself the good bad and the ugly and then it will be easier to get the love you are seeking

[Lucy__lou]

Wow, what a response this dilemma has gotten. I think I might have struck a chord with some people. The compulsion to confess.... Thank you everyone for your responses!!

 

If you limit the people you talkk to or judge someone by the way they look or the lack of confidence they portray, then you are no better than that JERK next door.

 

In my group of friends we welcome everyone into it. We do not say "you dress retarded" "your too quiet" or "you laugh weird". We more loess LOVE these shy people and try to encourage them to get out there and gain more confidence. If someone is quiet around us we begin to address them in a social manner. We talk about things that we know they like so they are excited about talking to us and they don't have to think too hard about what to say.

 

I totally agree. I really respect people who are confident and able to make friends with everyone, but who make sure to share their warmth with those who aren't doing as well as them. If we were all more like that then there'd be very few people falling through the cracks (in the social sense). People like you and your friends are healers, and lots of people have traumas and need kindness. And in my experience, kindness and goodwill can spread like wildfire, especially amongst those who've been discarded for a long time (the dry branches on the ground). I know when a people treat me well, I find myself treating everyone I meet better almost instantly. We learn by example.

 

 

I think you need to become comfortable with your differences. Just because you like your solitude doesn't mean that you are weird and don't deserve love. Stop m aking excuses for your own behavior and just be yourself. I have no friend either and it's OK with me, I live a normal settled life too and it's nothing wrong with that. YOu are who you are until you stop breathing so first love yourself the good bad and the ugly and then it will be easier to get the love you are seeking

 

Yeah, good words kat mommy. I am actually pretty comfortable with who I am, and with being a bit on the solitary side. To a large degree it's been a choice, and I know I'm ok. I have taken the time to know and love myself. So I am confident in who I am. But I seem to have this dual confidence/awkwardness thing happening at once. I'm a bit of a clown. I have this rule with myself that I will put myself out there only to the extent that I can do so confidently. I will take every opportunity to shine in the areas I am comfortable in, but if it's like a party where I don't really know people there, well I can be pretty sure that I won't be able to go and be confident. I know I don't have it in me to swim in that kind of situtation, and past experience tells me that putting yourself out of your comfort zone socially is usually something I regret doing. It further reinforces my insecurities rather than helping me overcome them.I know that's not what they say, but in my case it's a proven fact. I've had my share of times where I feel small and I have since made a choice to stop torturing myself, and taken the slightly less adventurous path of keeping to myself except when I am feeling safe with others, and I can be quite extroverted then. But I get very sheepish in party environments with strangers. Basically I have some defenses up, and while they protect me they're probably stopping me from making friends. But the thing is, I don't know if it's safe outside. I don't know if people will hurt me or not. It's a big deal to make yourself vulnerable. And when you have no friends to catch you when you fall, people sense your vulnerability, your need for them to be nice to you, and instead they reject you. It's hard to hide the dread you feel when you put yourself out there to someone you like.