Is he a commitment phobe

[lydia2009]

I have a question for you what do you think are the signs of a commitment phobe? I am 26 years old and dating a guy who is 40. We have been together for 5 months now. He said he loved me less than a month we were together which I found to be strange. I believe in taking things slow...

However, he has been very nice till now. He wants to spend time with me. He calls me up to tell me how he relies on me for advice. How he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. How he wants me to move in with him this september etc. However, for some reason I think he is a commitment phobe and these are the following reasons:

a) He has had a long history of relationship with women. He moved in with one for two months and the other for two years. When I asked him why he hasn't found anyone till now he said he wasn't ready because he felt he had to achieve a lot of things in his life. He feels like he is in a stage of his life where he can commit and he thinks I am the one.

b) HE seems to lie a lot. For example he had a female friend visit him a month after we started dated. He told me she was coming down with her sister. I found out she had come down alone to see him. I haven't yet confronted him on this issue since I found out by chance and I have no definitive eveidence that there was no sister.

c) He is still very close to his ex with whom he lived for two years. They both got their Phd together and work together. She calls him up all the time. I confronted him about this and he said she was very depressed and that there was nothing for me to worry about.

After I confronted him which was on Monday, he did something that was very strange. He has often told me that he likes being alone in bed and that it was different with me because he was comfortable with me in his bed. However, last night he could not sleep( he has been very stressed lately and he had to fly to another country today!) so when I suggested that I sleep on the couch he was very happy about the idea. This has been troubling me. Although in the morning he noticed I was upset and he was very nice to me. He even said he had made space for me last night for me to come and sleep. He insisted that I stay at his place and left money for me to get the train since the train station is closer to him house than the ATM machine. He said he would call from the airport etc.

However, I somehow think this is all linked to me bringing up the ex. I think he has now started to feel claustrophobic and somehow this is the beginning of the end.

d) He is always telling me that he is very into me and how he wants this to work. He even asked me what my future plans were in terms of my career etc. He also tells me that I am very cold and aloof and that while he expresses his feeling I am not so open. But I am afraid to let this go any further given his past etc...

Am I dealing with a commitment phobe?

[kmac]

Heck yeah you are (Dating a commitment phobe). He seems like he's wrapped up in his own thing. It seems he has become accustom to being alone, sleeping alone-weird, very self sufficient, kinda odd for a man of his age.

 

Yeah he feels comfortable with you-your a 26 YO hottie and he is 40. Hello arm candy. Do not move in with this guy, you will be carrying your boxes right back out-alone, in a few months. He has already lied to you and you haven't confronted him-why? Are you scared if you do, he might just bail out? You already know the answer to this one. Typically I fall into the category of people that believe that age is just a number, but this time- not the case. You need to end it before he gets bored, it sounds to me like he has a habit of being froggy (hopping away when things get rough). If you don't want your heart broken, pull away now.

I think you know this already huh? In due time and on your own agenda- you need to walk.

[karvala]

Well I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, and you'll hate me for saying this, but after reading that, somehow I ended up with the impression, right or wrong, that actually you have more reservations about committing to him than he does to you. That's not to say you're a commitphobe, but it's not to say he is either.

 

Your points for example

 

(a) Any 40-yr old that you've just been dating a short time will have a long history of relationships by definition. That doesn't make all 40-yr olds commitmentphobes, it simply makes them older.

(b) This is one example, not a "lot". If you have other examples, okay fair enough. Now it's not good that he lied to you, not good at all, and you should confront him on it, but find out what's behind it.

© Well this slightly dangerous, but it doesn't necessarily speak to commitment. I'm not sure it's supremely healthy though, for a guy just into a new relationship.

(c2) It was very insensitive/rude of him to suggest that you sleep on the couch to be sure, but at least he realised afterwards and tried his best to fix the situation. If someone has spent a lot of time on their own, they do get used to sleeping on their own and will often find it strange to share a bed every night with someone else.

(d) "I am afraid to let this go any further given his past". So who has the problem committing here? Maybe you're right, maybe you should be afraid, maybe you do need to take it slow, but I can tell you: a relationship in which both parties are more interested in protection their own space and feelings rather than taking a risk on someone else is going nowhere fast. If you don't want to jump until you've seen him jump, rather than jump together, then I don't think you can complain too much when he takes the same approach.

 

Just an alternative opinion.

[Excalibur]

Slapping the commitment phobe label on him might make you feel better about you in this situation..but it's inaccurate.

 

He wants options and opportunities in life - not obligation to someone else. That doesn't make him commitment phobic...it makes him commitment refusing.

 

he's not refusing sex, fun, conversation, involvement, sharing events and companionship - but what he doesnt' value or want is obligation to someone else and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

Thinking there is something wrong with that - keeps you rotating in a vortex of people that don't want commitment, while you try to prove that you're so great, they will commit to you.

 

Won't work.

 

The man is 40.......instead of evaluating what's up with him....ask yourself what do I want in my life?

 

If you want marriage.....statistically and realistically speaking you're better off choosing someone with less investment in their life financially and professionally. It's hard to earn past 40 - what one has earned by 40...and a divorce would split assets and after the point peopel realize that marriage is a legal partnership of financial obligation/option and that's it...they're less unrealistic about what marriage means in terms of values and ethics - and more concerned about what it means in terms of finances and future security.

 

If you want children....you're intelligent to have them with someone well under 40 due to medical research that indicates autism is higher in percentage to children of men over 40, as well as the fact that there are financial issues to consider, and there is less energy and physical ability to actively parent. If he had a child today as an infant he'd be 47-48 by the time the first days of school days would come along, and he'd be in his 50's before the child began to play at sports as a 2nd and 3rd grader.

 

So what you want...determine what you do.

 

Not, what he wants or does determines what you get.