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Do you ever stop loving your first love?

Brokenhearted87

By Brokenhearted87
in Breaking Up Advice

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Brokenhearted87 Apprentice

Brokenhearted87

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Well as I'm sure everyone and his wife knows on here, my bf ended it about a month ago now(wow, does NOT feel that long, seems like yesterday!) . I finally got the truth and closure I wanted from him and my post break up actions and mental state have 100 per cent ruled out a relationship down the line.....oops,my bad. He was my first love,first everything ahem. And we were best friends beforehand, confidantes about our family and personal circumstances (both rather dramatic) ,no one knows as much about those respective details as me about his and he about mine. And that will always be so, as we just had a bond before we were even an item.

 

Anyway, we will salvage our friendship,though we both admit it will take time, due to my feelings (I still don't think he understands how I'm still in love with him, he actually said "how can you still be crying over me...it's been almost a month" ) and being a bit messed up by it all. My question is this. I really feel that I will always love him. As a person, obviously, because I always did, and he will always have a place in my heart, and I never want to lose him from my life. But I also think, I will always be a little bit in love with him. Always. I don't know why, but I just think because he truly was my first love,and we shared so much. Does anyone here still feel something for their first love?

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auburnslp Community Regular

auburnslp

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oh yeah of course, but it's nothing like you feel now. I look back and smile at the times shared. Hope she is doing great. Stuff like that...the feelings you are dealing with now, just one month in, they will fade, don't worry...and even though it doesn't feel this way now, they will fade and that's a good thing...otherwise we would never be able to move on and find happiness, and trust me, you will do just that...my best...

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Pocket Rocket Enthusiast

Pocket Rocket

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Well I guess it's different for everyone, but for me, yes, I've forgotten my first love loooooong ago, and I felt I'd love him forever too. I think it's important that when you come out of a relationship to work on yourself and your own well being.

 

Being friends is tempting, but it's painful and it's very very hard and it rarely works out how both people want it to. You feel like you'll love him forever now because you're living in the now. Nevermind how long it'll take you to get over him, it takes as long as it takes, and you'll cycle and recyle through the feelings time and time again.

 

As far as forever goes - well you may be fond of him, but it's likely it'll only be a fraction of what you feel for him now, and you'll find that you'll start to think of him less and less until you think of him, once or twice a year.

 

Was this guy married when you were dating? If so - TRUST ME when I say YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

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Brokenhearted87 Apprentice

Brokenhearted87

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Litgirl...are you not in touch? Awww....I just couldnt imagine not being in touch with this guy!

 

Yeah.....I know the strength of the feelings/heartache will fade and simmer down, but I think just because of things we went through together personally while we were together,and the person that he is, that I will always feel something more than fondness for him

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Litgirl01 Contributor

Litgirl01

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Litgirl...are you not in touch? Awww....I just couldnt imagine not being in touch with this guy!

 

Yeah.....I know the strength of the feelings/heartache will fade and simmer down, but I think just because of things we went through together personally while we were together,and the person that he is, that I will always feel something more than fondness for him

 

You might keep in touch! I hope you do!! I know things were funny in the end right??? Give it some time! My first love was when I was 19 and I am 37 now! We kept in touch for a while then lost touch!

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Brokenhearted87 Apprentice

Brokenhearted87

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Pocket Rocket...NOOOOOOO no! I'm only 20! He's just turned 22. I know the friends thing will be hard at first, but not harder than the past month has been! And certainly not harder than not having him as my friend down the line would be,as we are very close and dear to each other. Going to take it slow, do NC/LC for a good bit (today after our conversation, I felt a sense of calm and a certain level of acceptance of the situation that I had not yet had,,,which has to be progress! and i felt, yeah, i think i can deal with not talking to him for a bit if our friendship is restored at the end of it)

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Brokenhearted87 Apprentice

Brokenhearted87

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You might keep in touch! I hope you do!! I know things were funny in the end right??? Give it some time! My first love was when I was 19 and I am 37 now! We kept in touch for a while then lost touch!

 

Yeah, we agreed to be friends. He wants to be,despite everything. As he said ,it would be a shame to throw away what a strong friendship we had before it all.

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lilypadgirl Enthusiast

lilypadgirl

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Hmm...I think about my first love sometimes. But I don't have any feelings towards him except fondness. I'm a different person now than I was when we were together. While I remember the love and the affection between us, I don't feel the love and affection anymore. It'll always be a memory that I'll cherish forever.

 

I'm not in touch with him. But even if I were, I'd feel like I have nothing to say. Better to leave it at fondness and for me to remember him that way.

 

I hope it'll be the same for you. *hug*

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Optigan Apprentice

Optigan

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I am 29, and I can assuredly say that I do not love my first love, a girl I was very, very, very much in love with approximately from 17 to 23.

 

She broke my heart by the way, or more precisely we broke my heart, or perhaps I broke my heart then, or basically pretty much whatever.

 

I still think she was cute, although maybe a bit on the overweight side towards the end there. I wish her well as in, I don't wish her any specific harm.

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Pocket Rocket Enthusiast

Pocket Rocket

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Pocket Rocket...NOOOOOOO no! I'm only 20! He's just turned 22. I know the friends thing will be hard at first, but not harder than the past month has been! And certainly not harder than not having him as my friend down the line would be,as we are very close and dear to each other. Going to take it slow, do NC/LC for a good bit (today after our conversation, I felt a sense of calm and a certain level of acceptance of the situation that I had not yet had,,,which has to be progress! and i felt, yeah, i think i can deal with not talking to him for a bit if our friendship is restored at the end of it)

 

Sorry, let me reformulate what I said - being friends for now is probably a bad idea. I'd say give it several months. From personal experience, I tried the friends thing after the breakup, because I couldn't stand being alone, but I was miserable and I was just lying to myself when I was telling myself I'd be okay being friends - what if he'd met someone while we were friends? I certainly would have fallen apart then just as easily as if I had been NC and found out through someone else.

 

Not saying that's your case, but going NC is a good idea, especially if you're doing it for yourself and for working on your grief (yes, you need time to grieve the loss of a relationship) and on your life. Trust me, I had to go NC with someone who I thought was 'the one' and I had to see practically every day and even though it hurt like hell then I don't regret it one bit! Good luck!

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Brokenhearted87 Apprentice

Brokenhearted87

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As long as you are ready for that! Keep watch over that heart of yours!!!

 

Oh Litgirl, you have NO idea! I am going to learn so much from this. It will be a very long time before I am willing to give my heart and myself to another person, as I really let this guy see every colour of me, he knows me better than anyone, I can say that with complete honesty,but I have been very hurt by it all. I very much was guarded at the beginning of dating him,as I was so scared of being hurt and felt unworthy of love to be honest, then he made me feel so good about myself that I relaxed and loved being in love........then it ended and it sucked! I think the first time you get dumped by your first love...it kind of leaves a scar, and you are scared of making yourself vulnerable to that hurt again. I know I am.

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Brokenhearted87 Apprentice

Brokenhearted87

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Well I'm going to keep it very cool for the next few months. I need to get over him and of course I don't want to be thinking of him with other women let alone knowing of it! But,he's at a rough patch and doesn't want anyone for a considerable time anyway. But yeah, I really thought he was "the one". I still do. But you can't force someone to feel something.

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Pocket Rocket Enthusiast

Pocket Rocket

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But you can't force someone to feel something.

 

Wise words. As for his rough patch - well hun, you're going through a rough patch yourself. Break ups hurt, they hurt a lot, and the sad thing is, there's no dignity in it for the person who got dumped. The person you loved didn't die and go away, they -chose- not to be with you - and that's the kind of pain that hurts more than almost anything, and few of us talk about it openly.

 

Don't worry, it might take a long time, but let it take as long as it takes, be nice to yourself and work on getting past this. Years from know you'll look back and won't even remember what it was like to feel that kind of hurt for that same person.

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Pocket Rocket Enthusiast

Pocket Rocket

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You are WORTHY of love!!!! When you are ready again....just enjoy dating and take it slow!!!! Love takes time to form! Make sure that YOU think you are terrific first! You are!!! Take time opening up next time...the man who is worth it will wait!!!!

 

I'm not religious, so pardon me the use of the word - AMEN!

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Brokenhearted87 Apprentice

Brokenhearted87

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You are WORTHY of love!!!! When you are ready again....just enjoy dating and take it slow!!!! Love takes time to form! Make sure that YOU think you are terrific first! You are!!! Take time opening up next time...the man who is worth it will wait!!!!

 

 

Yeah. He doesn't really get it lol! When I tell him I know I won't be ready for anything for a looooooooong time. But I know myself,and I take things very hard. That's why he said he tried to spare my feelings during the break up with some "letting me down gently" and giving me false hope, because he said he knows how sensitive I am and how I take things to heart.

 

Wise words. As for his rough patch - well hun, you're going through a rough patch yourself. Break ups hurt, they hurt a lot, and the sad thing is, there's no dignity in it for the person who got dumped. The person you loved didn't die and go away, they -chose- not to be with you - and that's the kind of pain that hurts more than almost anything, and few of us talk about it openly.

 

Don't worry, it might take a long time, but let it take as long as it takes, be nice to yourself and work on getting past this. Years from know you'll look back and won't even remember what it was like to feel that kind of hurt for that same person.

 

Yeah. I REALLY lost my dignity. When we initially broke up...... compared to now.....my desperation and the behaviour it sparked...well...I know it has seriously affected his opinion of me. However, I hope in time he realises that desperation was borne from true,deep love for him, and realises I will always be the girl he knew.

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Pocket Rocket Enthusiast

Pocket Rocket

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Yeah. I REALLY lost my dignity. When we initially broke up...... compared to now.....my desperation and the behaviour it sparked...well...I know it has seriously affected his opinion of me. .

 

Hun, "the one" won't care about your small acts of desperation, he will love you 'warts and all'. Most of us do act desperate and worry about everything we do at the advent of a breakup. If you went NC straight away, I bet you'd worry you were being too aloof and lost your chance. If you acted a little desperate, you'd worry you'd just come off as being super needy.

 

At this point you'll be internalising a lot of your hurt and anger and turning it on yourself "why did I", "maybe I should have" "if only I didn't" and so on. We all go through it, there is -nothing- to be ashamed of. There is only the moment you have right now to do what's best for you. I know it's hard to forget and sometimes you'll remember and cringe at what you did, but it wasn't wrong, and you can always do better, I know you can!

 

There's a very good blog for people going through breakups, for me this woman was a life saver. She made me see a lot more sense in the long run. I recommend reding it from beginning to end. Here's the link, hope you find it useful!

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