I have a complicated issue

[Jule66]

Hi I hope someone can give me some perspective on this..... my boyfriend of 18 months who is 51 ten years older than me has a daughter who is 31 she is married with a family of her own.

She has a very close relationship with her father... I think they have a strange kind of relationship or maybe not maybe its me reading things wrong.

Until recently we got on ok she used to be friendly she made a real effort little gifts nice gestures we both did. but whilst doing and saying nice things

whilst in the company of my boyfriend (her father) when we were alone she would make comments like 'i thought my dad would get a dolly bird younger than me' and 'all my friends think my dad is really good looking' and 'dad you know what your like with women' he never passed comment but it really got to me. It felt underhand I thought she was capable of causing alot of trouble so i started to avoid her I just thought if I didnt see her it would all go away. But when she told my boyfriend her dad i hadnt answered the door or the phone he was angry with me he never see's any wrong in her it feels as if they exclude everyone else.

I wonder if she played some part in the break up of my boyfriends first marriage they both speak of his ex and her mother as if she has a mental illness. Its like they have this little mutual admiration society and everyone else is wrong. One evening my boyfriend and I argued and he said 'I've got a REAL WOMAN coming round' referring to his daughter.

I dont know if I'm jealous just plain immature or reading things wrong.

I just have this gut instinct that she is a trouble maker on a very devious level.

If she isn't getting so much of my boyfriends attention she creates a drama like she is depressed, or she thinks someone has put a curse on her, or she is leaving her husband. She seems to send my boyfriend on a guilt trip...well thats how it feels.

I hope this makes sense. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

[Mun]

Oh that sounds awful and I feel so bad for you being in this situation.

 

I think if this as me in this situation I would get away from them as fast as I could. How can you break into this relationship to have the man to yourself when the daughter has such a tight grip? and he sees no wrong in her. He is making a big mistake because I'm afraid he will never get on with his life if this continues.

 

If he was on your side just a little bit it would be different.

Are you sure you want to battle it out with her constantly for his attention ? You are on the losing end here my friend. Better to move on than be caught up in this never ending --and strange--drama they got going on here.

[Excalibur]

He thinks his daughter is the "ideal woman".....in all regards. It's gone from her being "daddy's little darling" who could do no wrong - to being "daddy's darling daughter" - and the line is crossed not sexually - but emotionally and mentally at times by them both seeking approval and showing admiration - as they would for a spouse or lover, or expect of one.

 

It's something you have to live with...the #1 woman in his life will always be his daughter.

 

The daughter, with his insistence and assistance, situated herself as "his favorite" between him and her mother most likely - and she's gotten alot of her identity still in being able to initiate that wedge between daddy and "whoever".

 

I've been around people like this...it's one thing to have a 20-something child that you as a parent let the other adults in your world know "the way to get on my bad side, is to talk negatively about my child".

 

If that type of statement comes from an objective parent that fully expects their child to make mistakes, and knows their child has shortcomings - it's one thing.

 

It's enother thing to be with someone that worships and adores their adult children as being the epitomy and ideal "type" of person, and who believes that nobody else is as good as thier child is.

[jraf]

She has a very close relationship with her father... I think they have a strange kind of relationship or maybe not maybe its me reading things wrong.

 

we got on ok... in the company of my boyfriend (her father)

when we were alone she would make comments like 'i thought my dad would get a dolly bird younger than me' and 'all my friends think my dad is really good looking' and

 

She obviously doesn't like you. Not uncommon in situations where another woman is replacing a mother, but the father/daughter bond is the strong thing here and she sees you as getting between her and her father. The fact that she changes her behaviour toward you depending on whether or not her father is present shows that she doesn't want her father to know how she treats you.

Not nice for you.

 

'dad you know what your like with women' he never passed comment but it really got to me. It felt underhand I thought she was capable of causing alot of trouble so

The comments she makes in the presense of her father are much more subtle and seemingly harmless from his perspective

 

i started to avoid her I just thought if I didnt see her it would all go away. But when she told my boyfriend her dad i hadnt answered the door or the phone he was angry with me he never see's any wrong in her it feels as if they exclude everyone else.

Avoiding her is one thing, but you ignored her, she didn't like it and she told on you. Your boyfriend didn't like it.

 

I wonder if she played some part in the break up of my boyfriends first marriage they both speak of his ex and her mother as if she has a mental illness. Its like they have this little mutual admiration society and everyone else is wrong.

An explanation for the mutual hatred society that the father/daughter have towards the ex is that the ex's behaviour in the marriage was such that it adversely affected the father and daughter equally and that would also drive them closer together.

 

One evening my boyfriend and I argued and he said 'I've got a REAL WOMAN coming round' referring to his daughter.

This is a very creepy thing to me. I have a high regard and strong affection for my 3 adult daughters. I can't even imagine thinking or saying this statement in reference to any of them without feeling like a sexual predator. Women they are, but REAL women?? Maybe just me, but it seems to have some sexual overtone.

 

If she isn't getting so much of my boyfriends attention she creates a drama like she is depressed, or she thinks someone has put a curse on her, or she is leaving her husband. She seems to send my boyfriend on a guilt trip...well thats how it feels.

I hope this makes sense. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

and she is spoiled.

 

Your description made sense.

The things you describe are explainable.

Nothing sounds like it is anything but awful for you.

 

I'm sure this can be psycho-babbled to death, but the reality is:

This father daughter relationship is tight.

The daughter does not like you.

While she can be mean toward you when you are alone, she does ease up in the presense of her father because she doesn't want him to know.

Whatever bond exists between your bf and you, the father/daughter bond is stronger.

You could tell him everything she has said to you in private, but I doubt that he would actually believe it. Father will take the daughter's side against you

 

I don't see this as something that is going to be easy to change to your advantage, so I see that you have 2 options.

 

Let it be as it is. This wouldn't seem to be an option that does anything positive for you.

 

You could sit your bf down and describe what is happening.

If he understands and wants you to be more comfortable in the relationship he will have to stand up to his daughter.

 

Personally I don't see that you have anything to lose by having a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Can it be any worse than it is?

 

Putting all the daughter related issues aside. What are you getting out of this relationship anyway?