When your child breaks your heart

[shadowdreamz]

I am at my wits end. Here is the situation and any advise appreciated.

 

I have a 23 year old daughter who has been on her own since she was 18 years old. Her teen years were very rough as she was constantly lying to me, sneaking out and not always where she says she was going to be. I did my best raising her w/o help from anyone since most of the time I was on my own. Yes I had boyfriends along the way. Some were good some were bad. These choices are things I have to live with.

 

Now she thinks that anytime a relationship of hers goes bad that it is alright to tell her boyfriends that the reasons behind the things that she has done are all because of the way I raised her. I had one call me last nite cussing me out left to right about how bad a parent I was and how it was my fault she turned out the way she did.This all because she had evidentially cheated on him and yes she was sitting right there when he said it. I love my daughter with all my heart, but isn't there a time when you have to let her go to make her own mistakes? Why must I always be to blame for the mistakes that she makes?

[CatsMeeoow]

ugh....

 

My ex would rant and rave over all the issues his mother had - poor womens been dead for years but he's still in therapy over it!

 

I have to say as an outsider looking in... I think she did the best she could raising 4 kids on her own on a secretaries salary. I don't doubt that she had undiagnosed depression but at some point you have to realize you are 30 years old and its time to get over it!!!!! Accept your mom for who she is and that she did her best - there's not one of us here that is perfect.

 

One of the oddest things I remember looking back is how high he had his dad on a pedestal for leaving his mother... but he never stopped to think that he also left the 4 of them! LOL! And, it gets worse. I think when he was 15 he ran away from his mothers house to live with his dad but it only lasted 2 weeks because life wasn't any better there. He went back to his mothers. I guess it was just easier for him to blame his mother for everything.

 

Odd thing - is that he turned me into his mother! Now he hates me for everything.

 

Sooner or later your daughter will grow up and see that you did the best you could and that you love her. It may take another 10yr but I think it will happen.

 

The boyfriend calling you was totally out of line. I think its best to set up boundries with your daughter. It will be hard because she is your daughter but that's why they call it tough love!

 

Good Luck

[richmonder80]

well this one is a very sensitive topic. At one hand...you being a single mom (I assume) was hard raising a child alone and at the other hand I can see that she didn't have the most secure childhood (which has ultimately contributed to the way she is behaving now).

 

I will never know how hard it is to be a single parent, as I am not. But I was raised in a single parent family; however, the only difference is that I had a lot of family involvement in my upbringing which helped me stay out of trouble and deal with a lot of emotional issues.

 

I can sense that she was traumatized as a young kid growing up, from your boyfriends coming and going, not getting enough attention from you, limited adult supervision and family interaction...etc. Which has molded her insecurity to this point.

 

As you pointed out, there is nothing you can do to change that. But what you can do is reconnect with her and help her heal. She still is a kid inside and have yet to learn to be an adult. The only thing you can do it let her take responsibility for actions but be there to help her.

[Mythical_Suicide]

 

I can sense that she was traumatized as a young kid growing up, from your boyfriends coming and going, not getting enough attention from you, limited adult supervision and family interaction...etc. Which has molded her insecurity to this point.

 

As you pointed out, there is nothing you can do to change that. But what you can do is reconnect with her and help her heal. She still is a kid inside and have yet to learn to be an adult. The only thing you can do it let her take responsibility for actions but be there to help her.

 

 

I agree with this.. As a single parent, I know how difficult it is raising a child on your own and my son is only 3 I imagine it gets harder as they get older and start understanding more. However like richmonder said while you may have done the best you could it has to some point made her into the person she is today whether it be for the good or the bad even though you may not fully realize that. Are you at fault for all of her problems? No! there isn't much you can do to change that except start from the present time and help her move forward and heal.

[thejigsup]

I am a single mother and I always kept my relationships out of my son's life until I was sure about the guy. So far, my son hasn't been in any trouble and goes to college, gets good grades, etc... That being said, she is an adult and it is about time she takes responsibility for her own actions. Past a certain age, it all comes down to the decisions you make, not how mom raised you.

[bulletproof]

What was your response to her accusations? Did you apologize? Did you tell her you realize that you did make mistakes but did the best you thought you could at the time? You could offer to help her pay for any counseling she thinks she might need to get past this and move on. Yes, she is an adult and responsible for herself, but we are all products of our parents.

 

I would also try to stay away from the thinking that your child is "breaking your heart". It casts you as the victim when in fact there were probably plenty of times when she felt that you broke her heart as well. You are both experiencing the outcome of a difficult situation, so you should feel like a team, not victims/perpetrators.

[Excalibur]

Try this "Yes, it is my fault that you were in the situations you were in as a youth and teenager, I created those situations, I could only provide those options. But who you become as an adult in your own right is not determined by the childhood environment you claim has disfigured you. The destiny of man is not what he was born as, but born for. So dear, go out into the world, on its terms, with your own standards, values, goals, and self-requirement and become the woman you want to be, using what you so loathe, fear, and that angers you as a past as a catalyst to success rather than as an excuse to fail. We're all failures in life, until we succeed at something."

[Enigmatika]

Why must I always be to blame for the mistakes that she makes?

You don't shoulder her mistakes...they are hers.

 

The BF that was cussing you out is a Dolt.

I have a 23 year old daughter who has been on her own since she was 18 years old.

She is an ADULT...lol...perhaps you need to remind her of that FACT.

 

If she CHOOSES to continue to behave like an Idiot...that is HER choice.

HER Responsibility...NOT yours.

[JadedStar]

As for the bolded above, no these were choices you BOTH had to live with, as in you and your daughter not just you. When a single parent brings boyfriends into the home surely you don't think the child doesn't endure the bad with you?

 

Sometimes parents don't know fully what all their kids endured. IF her boyfriend is calling you screaming you can bet it is over things that she shared with him that she PERCEIVES happened.

 

Instead of being defensive and angry, why not go see your daughter and embrace her, and hear her side of the story? Find out what she perceives to have happened in her life? Be there for her and let her vent it out. Apparently something is really bothering her about her childhood.

[JadedStar]

What was your response to her accusations? Did you apologize? Did you tell her you realize that you did make mistakes but did the best you thought you could at the time? You could offer to help her pay for any counseling she thinks she might need to get past this and move on. Yes, she is an adult and responsible for herself, but we are all products of our parents.

 

I would also try to stay away from the thinking that your child is "breaking your heart". It casts you as the victim when in fact there were probably plenty of times when she felt that you broke her heart as well. You are both experiencing the outcome of a difficult situation, so you should feel like a team, not victims/perpetrators.

 

 

EXACTLY. GOod post.

[m12988]

You don't shoulder her mistakes...they are hers.

 

The BF that was cussing you out is a Dolt.

 

She is an ADULT...lol...perhaps you need to remind her of that FACT.

 

If she CHOOSES to continue to behave like an Idiot...that is HER choice.

HER Responsibility...NOT yours.

 

Fully agreed.

 

I could never in a million years treat my mom like that. I think your daughter doesn't realize how lucky she really is. Try living like the children who have it about a million times worse than she did. Come on, no mother is going to be perfect, but you cannot go out into this world blaming every single thing on your parents. SHE is an individual, now that she is an adult, she is making her own choices.

 

Hell, my dad cheated on my mom a few times. I'm never going to cheat. So how can what he did affect my choices later in life? I know that since i'm an adult, i must make my own decision and whatever I do is MY fault, not my parent's, not my lifestyle, not the house i grew up in. Do yourself a favor and tell her to grow up, as well as hang up and block those boyfriend's numbers. I don't see how she could sit back and let him call you and yell at you like that. I would feel utterly sick if someone talked like that to the woman who raised me.

[shadowdreamz]

As for the bolded above, no these were choices you BOTH had to live with, as in you and your daughter not just you. When a single parent brings boyfriends into the home surely you don't think the child doesn't endure the bad with you?

 

Sometimes parents don't know fully what all their kids endured. IF her boyfriend is calling you screaming you can bet it is over things that she shared with him that she PERCEIVES happened.

 

Instead of being defensive and angry, why not go see your daughter and embrace her, and hear her side of the story? Find out what she perceives to have happened in her life? Be there for her and let her vent it out. Apparently something is really bothering her about her childhood.

 

What I meant when i said that was that I have to live with the mistakes that I made. And as for seeing her and trying to talk to her about. She lives in a different state so all I can do is call her. I did that and she refused to talk to me and hung up on me. She does not want to talk about anything.

 

She did her bf wrong, got caught and turns around and places the reason she did it on me. Something she does every time she hits a bad spot in her life. I had a rough childhood but I have never placed the blame on my parents for the mistakes I made as an adult. So why should I accept the blame for the mistakes that she makes now that she is an adult?

[Excalibur]

Fault/Blame aren't a solution, and don't exonerate the actor from consequences of their actions.

 

It's fairly simple...she's reasoning as a child - where fault/blame are a solution....and it's not about accepting the fault/blame...as if now you must fix the problem, or attempt to change her perception.

 

She can place fault/blame all she wants......if won't change the reality she lives with as she's an adult, living away from you.

 

At some point, if fault/blame are not changing the reality for her - she'll have to become more realistic and rationally logical and do what she believes will get her the resuts she wants to lvie with rather than do "whtever she feels like and blaming it on someone else".

 

It's termed "hitting bottom"....and it'd be enabling her dysfunctionality to do anything about the "blame" other than if she tell syou'it's "your fault" - you can respond back with "okay, but you're the one going to have to live with it"...and then let her do just that.

[shadowdreamz]

What was your response to her accusations? Did you apologize? Did you tell her you realize that you did make mistakes but did the best you thought you could at the time? You could offer to help her pay for any counseling she thinks she might need to get past this and move on. Yes, she is an adult and responsible for herself, but we are all products of our parents.

 

I would also try to stay away from the thinking that your child is "breaking your heart". It casts you as the victim when in fact there were probably plenty of times when she felt that you broke her heart as well. You are both experiencing the outcome of a difficult situation, so you should feel like a team, not victims/perpetrators.

 

I have apologized to her til i am blue in the face. I have admitted to my mistakes. She only does this when she hits a bad spot in her life or gets caught doing something wrong. When she is happy and things are going her way I am the greatest person in the world.

[Excalibur]

She's not wanting you to admit to your previous mistakes in the past. She is wanting you to take responsibility for her actions using the reasoning "what you did, and how I processed it - caused me to do this now".

 

She wants you to step in and fix it.....nobody needs ot justify success......unrealistic, immaturely reasoning people need to justify failure.

[shadowdreamz]

Always the voice of reason... Thank You

[jraf]

I have apologized to her til i am blue in the face. I have admitted to my mistakes. She only does this when she hits a bad spot in her life or gets caught doing something wrong. When she is happy and things are going her way I am the greatest person in the world.

 

shadow,

Stop with the apologizing.

Your daughter is 23 and chooses to not accept responsibility for her own decisions, because she thinks blaming mom works.

She may, someday, grow up.

In the meantime, if she needs you, I'm sure you'll support her, but don't accept her bad choices and behaviour as your responsibility.

[m12988]

I have apologized to her til i am blue in the face. I have admitted to my mistakes. She only does this when she hits a bad spot in her life or gets caught doing something wrong. When she is happy and things are going her way I am the greatest person in the world.

 

I wish you would stop apologizing to her because she should be the one apologizing for treating you like garbage. And you just wait, one day she will get married, and then, THIS man will be the fault of everything too. She is just one of those people who think nothing is her fault, she is so ashamed of the immature choices she has made that she HAS to blame someone, or else she will look like an idiot. Plain and simple. This has nothing to do with you.

 

How many times has your daughter looked at you and said something like "I want to move out and be an adult now i'm tired of my parents watching over me and controlling me". Too bad kids don't see that this is also the beginning of their own decisions and the consequences behind them, and this time there is no parent to bail you out. As a daughter, who is younger than your daughter, I am on your side about this because I know how it feels to be in that age bracket. And i think your daughter still has some emotional maturing and growing up to do, but it has nothing to do with you and what kind of childhood she had.

[shadowdreamz]

shadow,

Stop with the apologizing.

Your daughter is 23 and chooses to not accept responsibility for her own decisions, because she thinks blaming mom works.

She may, someday, grow up.

In the meantime, if she needs you, I'm sure you'll support her, but don't accept her bad choices and behaviour as your responsibility.

 

Of course I will support her. Some days it just feels like she will never grow up and accept that her life is what she makes it, that she has to accept the consequences for the choices she makes.

 

How many times has your daughter looked at you and said something like "I want to move out and be an adult now i'm tired of my parents watching over me and controlling me". Too bad kids don't see that this is also the beginning of their own decisions and the consequences behind them, and this time there is no parent to bail you out. As a daughter, who is younger than your daughter, I am on your side about this because I know how it feels to be in that age bracket. And i think your daughter still has some emotional maturing and growing up to do, but it has nothing to do with you and what kind of childhood she had.

 

Well she use to say that all the time and up til she was 18 I fought her. When she hit 18 and said it. I was happy to help her pack. But that doesn't mean I don't worry about her and wish she made wiser choices.

 

Thank you, I know that you are right. Unfortunately as a mother we will always worry and wonder what we did wrong. I know I just have to back away and let her make her mistakes and hope that she learns from them.

[Excalibur]

It's not that your daughter can't accept "blame" - nobody accepts blame very well.

 

Accepting responsibility by having self-accountability - that's the lesson she didn't get, being allowed to stay in the fault/blame mindset into adulthood.

 

I'm not sure how to fully explain this concept but here it goes.

 

Until I was 33, everything was someone else's fault, or a result of the past, or someone or something was to blame.

 

That left me sitting in a life that involved chaos, terror, deprivation, destitution, devastation, abuse, and upset........as long as other people were to "blame", or the past that can't be fixed was the "cause"...then me living in this status quo was okay with me.

 

At 33.....all the people who'd kept enabling me to keep that mindset stood back and said to themselves we've been funding this dysfunctionality for too many years......they stopped being my option - and thus I could place blame all I wanted on their doorstep but it didn't change my reality.

 

To fasttrack it - at 33, I came to a starting realization that only takes 1 second literally to grasp.....but denail eliminates acceptance...until a person's back is against the wall.

 

When the last thing I stood to lose - my freedom - was on the line and everything I was diong, saying, deciding, pursuing, believing, and involving it was going to cause me to lose that freedom.....it was a heads up, light bulb, oh my God moment of "If I don't stop doing this, what's coming is something I don't want to deal with no matter who's fault it is."

 

Instantly...I stopped doing it.....I began to evaluate my actions based on my needs and my expectations - rather than my feelings. In short, I stopped using feelings as facts, goals, callst oa ctions and tools of cognition....which meant that I stopped trying to get or eliminate feeilngs with my actions, decisions, words, adn involvements....and I stoood in emotional hell while my rational and emotional self aligned for about 2 years.

 

Which was fine...in that two years I acted rationally, held myself accountable and responsiblity for my reality in every way- and i learned to associate responsible action with success, and how capable I was of defining and generating it for myself.

 

life's been a wonderful thing since everybody got sick and tired of enabling my "potential" - so I could accept my reality.

 

Here's the real kicker though...my dad when I was 17 told me I was worth more than I was conducting myself as, and he wouldn't enable my destruction. I could choose an alliance with him by his rules, and on his terms, for the benefits I'd always had as his daughter...or, I coud go out into the world and do what I wanted, because I could, as an adult.

 

In rebellion - I went out to create an identity....and image even I couldn't stomach by 33.

 

Sitting in the place of solitude and desperation...his words were what I rememberd, and what I have held onto for the last 13 years restructuring my life not in rebellion for identity, or adherance for security......but in self-responsiblity for success.

 

So, it is not the people that tell you how it is, and live by their beliefs, and hold themselves responsible for affiliation with adults they respect as individuals that is going to cause your daughter to nosedive...it's association with someone that is constantly apologizing for a past that can't be changed, becuase she refuses to change her perception and accountability..and thus her reality.

[jraf]

Of course I will support her. Some days it just feels like she will never grow up and accept that her life is what she makes it, that she has to accept the consequences for the choices she makes.

Her decision to grow up and accept that she is responsible for her own actions will happen whenever she makes the decision.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to make it happen sooner; neither worrying or continuing to allow her to dump on you.

Slight backtrack: If you actually stop apologizing for things which are long past and can't be changed and if you quit letting her dump on you, her decision may happen sooner than later.

 

 

 

Well she use to say that all the time and up til she was 18 I fought her. When she hit 18 and said it. I was happy to help her pack. But that doesn't mean I don't worry about her and wish she made wiser choices.

This is by no means a unique story. My oldest daughter graduated from his. She said she wanted to continue her education. We had a separate suite, so we allowed her to live in the suite, rent free and we helped with her educational expenses. Term 1; ok, Term 2 we noticed she seemed to be home a lot. After Term 2 we asked about her grades. We learned that she had actually not gone to term 2.

We gave her a choice: She could continue to stay in the suite, pay market rent, her share of utilities, and be responsible for everything else she needed to sustain herself, or she could leave. What she couldn't do was sit around home, doing nothing and let time just go by. If she wanted to do that, she'd have to find somewhere else to do it. She left. Just because we drew a line about what we would allow her to do, doesn't mean that we no longer cared. We worried about her periodically, but she didn't drop out of the family.

 

Thank you, I know that you are right. Unfortunately as a mother we will always worry and wonder what we did wrong. I know I just have to back away and let her make her mistakes and hope that she learns from them.