Questions!

[karvala]

Just some random questions related to breaking up, which are in my mind at the moment. No pretence that this is well thought out, structured or that the questions have any relationship to each other than that, but here they are anyway. BTW: take the usual anti-generalisation each-case-is-different caveats as said and done. Of course that's true, but perhaps there are some general trends that might emerge from the individual cases. I'll also clarify one point of terminology: I'm not wild about the terms dumper and dumpee, so I'll call them the initiator (of the breakup) and the receiver (of the bad news).

 

(1) Are reasons people give for no longer loving someone really true? When someone breaks up, the receiver inevitably wants reasons, and if the initiator no longer loves them or is no longer in love with them, then the receiver typically wants to know why. Often the initiator will first say "I don't know", which never sounds satisfactory, but when pressed they sometimes offer a reason. In your experience, do these reasons seem to be true, or are they post-hoc rationalising? Is there a good reason in most cases? In any particular cases you may have experiened, was it a single event, or at least a rapid "I loved you yesterday but not today" situation, or was it a longer fading of love?

 

(2) How do you deal with memories of the past time together? Are you able to somehow block it out? Do you dwell on them? Do they make you feel good or bad? If you were the initiator, do you also think about them? If so, how to feel about them? Do you not wonder if it couldn't be the same again, and long for them again? If you're the receiver, do you take steps to eradicate them? What steps are these?

 

(3) When you broke up, did you go for the clean break (and as initiator or receiver), or did you find yourself going back for another attempt? Were things actually different when you went back, or did you find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over?

 

(4) After the break up, how much time to did you spend each day thinking about your ex, as an initiator? And how about as a receiver?

 

(5) What was the single most helpful thing you found/did to get over the breakup? At what stage after the breakup did you do this, and how do you think it helped?

 

I'm sure I'll have more Qs about this ever confusing subject, but that's it for now! Thanks to all that can give answers to any of those.

[tazthecat]

1) Are reasons people give for no longer loving someone really true? When someone breaks up, the receiver inevitably wants reasons, and if the initiator no longer loves them or is no longer in love with them, then the receiver typically wants to know why. Often the initiator will first say "I don't know", which never sounds satisfactory, but when pressed they sometimes offer a reason. In your experience, do these reasons seem to be true, or are they post-hoc rationalising? Is there a good reason in most cases? In any particular cases you may have experiened, was it a single event, or at least a rapid "I loved you yesterday but not today" situation, or was it a longer fading of love?

 

I've always found the initiator to be quite cowardly..They don't want to hurt us by telling us they want to move on so they sugar coat it. If most of them really had any guts, they'd hit us with the cold hard truth..I think it's the wondering of why the relationship failed,which they keep hidden from us thats more painful..To never get a chance to wrap your head around it. I've got a lot of the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", which sucks, but I also figure most women who had said to this me were long term partners, and time changes people. Ideals change. needs change. Maybe what made them love me, or to be in love with me in the beginning changed without my notice. Or we evolved through the honeymoon phase. No idea. Then theres always the chance of your partner finding what they loved about you in the beginning with someone else.

 

(2) How do you deal with memories of the past time together? Are you able to somehow block it out? Do you dwell on them? Do they make you feel good or bad? If you were the initiator, do you also think about them? If so, how to feel about them? Do you not wonder if it couldn't be the same again, and long for them again? If you're the receiver, do you take steps to eradicate them? What steps are these?

 

Well the memories were apart of my life and each part of my essense of being. So I always remember them. It's worse for me than most people because I'm a writer, so I remember detailed aspect of memories, good and bad. My recountability sucks sometimes. How to get rid of them? One day at a time. Fill your life with new experiences, people, places, and as bad as it sounds, try to drown out the memories of the past..This to me sucks the most. To build something which took years of blood sweat and tears, and it ends within 1 day..

I try to remember what I liked about myself before I met withthe ex, and delve back into that. I remember that I lived perfectly fine before they came into my life, and I will live again with them gone.

 

(3) When you broke up, did you go for the clean break (and as initiator or receiver), or did you find yourself going back for another attempt? Were things actually different when you went back, or did you find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over?

 

Daddy raised his little boy to be a fighter. I don't like to quit, and I never give up, unless every resource has been exhausted. Most times that we got back together then damage was already to bad. And the effort to just clean up what had recently happened, was not worth the emotional draining pain.

 

(4) After the break up, how much time to did you spend each day thinking about your ex, as an initiator? And how about as a receiver?

 

Every miserable minute of every miserable day..Eventually your mind just cuts off these emotions and you normally get numb about it and the memories fade. This takes time. Lots of time..I'll never forget my ex, but I won't be subjected to living a miserable existence because she doesn't want me.

 

(5) What was the single most helpful thing you found/did to get over the breakup? At what stage after the breakup did you do this, and how do you think it helped?

 

I found the true measure of a man..I searched deep within myself and walked on fire..I pushed myself to go on day after day..I once again started to love life, even if she was in it to share with me..Also, I came here, to ENA..And all these great amazing people shined lots of light,when I was stuck in darkness.

[Litgirl01]

(1) Are reasons people give for no longer loving someone really true? When someone breaks up, the receiver inevitably wants reasons, and if the initiator no longer loves them or is no longer in love with them, then the receiver typically wants to know why. Often the initiator will first say "I don't know", which never sounds satisfactory, but when pressed they sometimes offer a reason. In your experience, do these reasons seem to be true, or are they post-hoc rationalising? Is there a good reason in most cases? In any particular cases you may have experiened, was it a single event, or at least a rapid "I loved you yesterday but not today" situation, or was it a longer fading of love?

 

Most of the time I think the dumper is trying to spare the feelings of the dumpee, so they don't list ALL of the real reasons for wanting to end the relationship. Reasons like, it makes me sick to see you eat, if I see you naked one more time I will puke, I don't have romantic feelings for you anymore and I want to find someone else. So the reasons will come out as - it's not you, it's me or other stupid excuses such as, I love you but I'm not in love with you.

 

(2) How do you deal with memories of the past time together? Are you able to somehow block it out? Do you dwell on them? Do they make you feel good or bad? If you were the initiator, do you also think about them? If so, how to feel about them? Do you not wonder if it couldn't be the same again, and long for them again? If you're the receiver, do you take steps to eradicate them? What steps are these?

 

I got rid of everything that reminded me of him (deleted/put in a box and put away) - pictures, emails, letters, cards, gifts, etc. I also keep my mind busy so I don't think about him too much! When a song comes on the radio, I turn it off. You do this for a while....eventually it won't affect you anymore.

 

(3) When you broke up, did you go for the clean break (and as initiator or receiver), or did you find yourself going back for another attempt? Were things actually different when you went back, or did you find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over?

 

I was the DUMPEE so I started NC immediately! I had a past relationship where we broke up several times and got back together - it proved to be a big waste of time!

 

 

(4) After the break up, how much time to did you spend each day thinking about your ex, as an initiator? And how about as a receiver?

 

When I was the DUMPER - not much but I did think of him. As the DUMPEE - constantly!

 

 

(5) What was the single most helpful thing you found/did to get over the breakup? At what stage after the breakup did you do this, and how do you think it helped?

 

ENA has been the MOST helpful thing. I started at ivillage then found ENA and it has been my savior!!! I love the people I have met on here!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

the single most helpful thing was my BAD POINTS list. A lifesaver for instantly altering my mood if i start to falter and reminice about the good times.

[Optigan]

My assessment, roughly:

 

(1) Are reasons people give for no longer loving someone really true?

I tend to think that the reason is usually, if not always, some dissatisfaction with the relationship that was there all along, or most of the time, that just spread all over pretty much everything else. And that the initiator is not necessarily aware of this. I guess they usually say pretty much all they know. The wording is up to their empathy and maturity levels, and it's up to the other side to perhaps try and apply whatever it is they said to what I just wrote above (general dissatisfaction went consuming and stale).

 

(2) How do you deal with memories of the past time together?

Personally, they just piss me off, so I hardly ever cherish them in any way, shape or form. I suppose it would be much healthier to be able to, so that I could be genuinely sad and wistful, which are rather pleasant feelings compared to these which my ex girlfriend produced in me through her blindingly stupid actions or lack thereof. Concerning that relationship, I feel so dehumanized that memories of the past time together are pretty much non-existant, apart from the ugly things she said and done.

 

(3) When you broke up, did you go for the clean break (and as initiator or receiver), or did you find yourself going back for another attempt?

 

There was another attempt, which made things worse. After that it didn't take me long to stop actualy trying for yet another reconciliation, but the need for de-dehumanization kept me reaching for contact until recently.

 

(4) After the break up, how much time to did you spend each day thinking about your ex, as an initiator? And how about as a receiver?

 

As an initiator, I hardly ever gave much tought to it, but those were never serious relationships, except there was this one time where I broke up with a girl I actually loved very much, and I thought about that one quite a lot; got back together with her after a year or so. She broke up with me a year and a half later or something.

 

In this most recent case, where my last girlfriend left, I feel pretty much damned by it all practically constantly.

 

(5) What was the single most helpful thing you found/did to get over the breakup? At what stage after the breakup did you do this, and how do you think it helped?

 

I'm not over it, but the progress I've made well, I don't know, whatever transpired kinda helped get me here. I would say time and no contact play the biggest part there.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, I daresay it does set up quite a challenge to remove the "case-by-case" individuality of scenarios, since I do think a lot of your questioning does come down to a wide variance -- based, of course on the specificity of the people involved and their situations. So you've astutely guaged that over-generalizing might not do the questions justice, and have wisely added that caveat to your questions, which are richly thorough (ah, a man of my own heart!!) But I'll try to give it a shot anyway, even with my own relationships being hard-pressed to show up a pattern -- and thereforeeee it is hard to say on an even broader scope how a typical initiator/receiver dynamic works.

 

(1) Are reasons people give for no longer loving someone really true? When someone breaks up, the receiver inevitably wants reasons, and if the initiator no longer loves them or is no longer in love with them, then the receiver typically wants to know why. Often the initiator will first say "I don't know", which never sounds satisfactory, but when pressed they sometimes offer a reason. In your experience, do these reasons seem to be true, or are they post-hoc rationalising? Is there a good reason in most cases? In any particular cases you may have experiened, was it a single event, or at least a rapid "I loved you yesterday but not today" situation, or was it a longer fading of love?

 

First of all, to the question, "is there a good reason in most cases" I would have to say: I believe you could take one of two positions. That either we fall in love, or love someone, or fall out of love for no logical "reason" whatsoever, that the whole matter is rather inscrutable, and so there is never any actual "reason" for any of it happening/ceasing (which makes that question a cul de sac.) Or, you could say that simply by virtue of feeling something within the heart, a reason exists. And thereforeeee, it has a reason. It may not be something identifiable verbally or even intellectually, but one cannot deny that if they feel something or don't, that there is a cause (reason) for that.

 

I think paradoxically, both ways of seeing it can be simultaneously true, which probably doesn't help you figure this out all that well, but I do believe that there are some true paradoxes in life and this is one.

 

Now when it comes to asking your partner -- who no longer feels love or "in love" feelings for you, I think in many cases initiators do not know themselves well enough to be able to put their finger on the reason. So this is very variable, depending on how self-aware the person is. I think "I don't know" can be entirely honest; but in most cases, I think people deep down know at least what turns them off from their partner, and the accumulation of these things is what causes them to finally lose the feeling they had -- or else feel confirmed in the lack of feelings that was there all along. I have had about half my relationships end as the initiator, and half and the receiver, though my two greatest loves -- the most recent ones, both LTRs -- ended with me as the agonized receiver. As a result of being on both sides of this fence, I feel that there is usually some seed of discontent that exists in the beginning, sometimes below conscious level for the initiator; and this grows over time, usually becoming more and more conscious. In the cases where I was the initiator though, I did not really have much of an experience of falling out of love so much as feeling the relationship just couldn't work (even though I still felt love/in love) -- OR, I was not in love to begin with, I only loved the person without the passion ever really being complete from the start (this was the case in my longest relationship, about 5 years.) Was I able to enumerate the reasons in a concise list? Not exactly, because the sum was greater than those parts. I had "reasons" or "things" that I was terribly displeased about....and I think in the case of my partners who initiated the breakup with me, the same was true. There was a great discontent that created such a divide that their love for me could not bridge it. They were more unhappy than happy with me, and I knew from all the arguments we'd had where it was going wrong for them. I think some of the reasons are not stated because it's too hurtful to tell the other person, or it seems petty, or like something that should be overcome; and in other cases, I think the reasons aren't stated because the totality as I said is more of a complex amalgam of things that just "feels wrong", rather than being boiled down to a list. You could enumerate all the ways someone doesn't "do it" for you, and turns you off and still not have the entire picture of why this love has died, and thus "I don't know" can be a legitimate answer. Even if a lazy one. I do believe that usually some factors can at least be identified, but some people chose not to be that honest with themselves first, then the other person. I also think it's very, very common for the initiator not to take responsibility, but to point fingers and blame the other for being the cause of their malcontent. And abdication. (I say this as the receiver, of course -- not the initiator! Haha...but in all seriousness, I do find that I've tended to cross-examine myself more than the initiators in my life [or even the receivers in my life], even when I was one.)

 

(2) How do you deal with memories of the past time together? Are you able to somehow block it out? Do you dwell on them? Do they make you feel good or bad? If you were the initiator, do you also think about them? If so, how to feel about them? Do you not wonder if it couldn't be the same again, and long for them again? If you're the receiver, do you take steps to eradicate them? What steps are these?

 

I dwell on everything, forever! Whether the initiator or the receiver -- however, when I've been the initiator, it's been with a rather calm and stable, and resigned frame of mind that I dwell on the memories. And every time, I have had great difficulty breaking it off when I did, feeling very much insecure about the idea that I was wrong to have done so -- trying to empower myself has always been the key reason for me to end a relationship (my having a knack as I do for trying very hard for very long with a not-very-edifying union). And so, just getting up the gumption to leave was always tortuous, not a clean-cut matter....and one fraught with barbs of second-guessing myself and fear that I'd lost the "best thing I'd get." So yes, for me the memories often made not just the breaking off hard, but the recollecting later hard. Once I was out though, I found a rather composed and cool distance to look back on the relationship from -- a much safer place than as the receiver. As the receiver? My memories have always been (and still are, with my last ex!) loaded with wistfulness, aversion, emotionally-charged fragments that are anything but in-control. And while I've tried over the last 2 years to submerge them, they keep floating back up to the surface. I've found that TRYING to eradicate memories is about the most futile exercise ever. Memories that are strongly charged can only fade with your permission, and first you have to be able to imagine another kind of life, one without your beloved in it, to give this process permission. Once you start to see that your happiness might lie elsewhere, and even embrace that (the more advanced stage), that permission allows the memories to start to fade a bit. At which point they aren't strong enough to pull you into the depths of despair anymore, either because they are bad, or because they are good and only a memory now. Basically, I'm saying -- don't fight with yourself. It has never done me any good. But DO build new memories slowly with other people you care about, and preoccupations that distract you. Other than that, I savor the wicked feelings of feeling too much and just let that be.

 

(3) When you broke up, did you go for the clean break (and as initiator or receiver), or did you find yourself going back for another attempt? Were things actually different when you went back, or did you find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over?

 

I have really never experienced a relationship where I tried again with someone. When it was over -- by either of our hands, it was OVER. But I can safely say that without a great deal of conscious work and desire to change bilaterally, mutually, within the vortex of destruction in each relationship, as we tried to salvage things in vain, I could see that patterns would keep repeating over and over....and this then led to a sense of battle fatigue that was probably as much a "reason" as the other "reasons" why it ended. I think what I've learned is that usually when both parties want something to work very much, but don't know what needs to change and are still heavily invested in the way THEY feel and how THEY need to be...the prognosis is quite bad. By the time my relationships ended, I felt the writing was not only on the wall, but gouged into the concrete and ineradicable.

(4) After the break up, how much time to did you spend each day thinking about your ex, as an initiator? And how about as a receiver?

 

As the initiator, I can't say it's something I've quantified each day...and again, here is where the situation can be so variable, I think trying to establish a predictable answer among a sampling of people would be next to impossible. But as for me, I get over things rather slowly...and have gotten less and less resiliant over the years. My own personal trend over the years has been that since I know my own dealbreakers and issues better, I've picked a little more carefully, and thereforeeee by the time I'm invested in someone, I'm in so fully that it's only taken their finally wanting to leave for the thing to end. Which means the crushing heartbreak of being the receiver more than when I was in my 20's and feeling a little more energy and time to explore leaving a relationship. I have always fallen hard and fast for a person, and have not had scads of partners; but of the handful I've had, each has successively been more and more heartbreaking to lose. How much of the day am I currently thinking of an ex? It depends how far along I am in the breakup; I certainly have been more obsessed when rejected. And so, a good barometer currently might be my current situation: not quite 2 years out of my last breakup, which was monstrous for me, emotionally. It dashed every hope I had for the future, and a few long-cherished beliefs. I still think of him every single day, but it took me about the last 6 months to stop bringing him up in so many contexts and conversations, that I knew I was making people around me sick. He's been a constant all this while, and only within the last 6 months can I say that I am feeling that he's not part of every waking hour in one form or another. And that sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Wow! I haven't thought about him, or forgot about him!" And sometimes that's the only time I think of him that day. Which is an amazing feeling of liberation. Though I think he's still in my continual subconscious roaming around, very near the surface. I still dream about him, though not as much. So...if I can stop thinking about this man (and have FINALLY only in the last 4 months stopped masochistically checking his myspace)...I think there's hope for anyone.

(5) What was the single most helpful thing you found/did to get over the breakup? At what stage after the breakup did you do this, and how do you think it helped?

 

I found ENA. Unfortunately, I did so after trying for over 7 long months of agony on my own. But when I came here, I found that my incessant thoughts, my feelings of inadequacy, my glacially-slow healing process (or so it seemed to me and my friends -- all of whom really wanted me to just move the hell on!) were accepted, common, welcome, understood. So the first step was to stop beating up on myself. I also found a small cluster of people who truly appreciated me in all the ways that I felt my ex didn't. That is not to say I was sharing a day-to-day life with people on here of course like you would with a partner...but I felt that aspects of my beliefs, thinking, values and attitude were supported either directly or indirectly by reading what others wrote about their values. I had come out of my relationship feeling smaller than an ant's little toe...and then here it seemed that I could find people who affirmed what I believed, and who were secure and happy, and not berated in their relationships the way I had been. It has been of incalculable value to me to find that especially the men I've grown close to here as friends pose a dramatic counterpoint to the vicious way I was treated in so many ways, and the reality check of mature people here started to help me see how I'd been glorifying that relationship's potential when in fact, I really should have been the one to pick up my suitcase long before it crumbled and spared both of us, most especially me, such a horrendous split. I've followed the posts here of men who helped me see that love didn't have to look the way it was in my relationship, and those of women who knew they were worth more...and that was a saving grace.

 

I found a haven here, a distraction and most of all, the realization that one man's garbage might be another's delight. I also have found that the very VERY best medicine for despair and sorrow is to lift up the heart of someone else, and once I started to feel of use again in ways here, my self-esteem improved and I now feel more equipped to define what it is I need to be happy. I truly feel that apart from the issues of breaking up, I've found a lot of value here in just sharing experiences of all kinds, and that helped me stop focusing on my own sorrows. Nothing beats lifting others to lift oneself, and I could only do it in a place where I was not being judged. I'm starting to like myself a bit again, which was something I'd lost somewhere.

 

Let me just say the foregoing applies to my most serious relationships, the ones that went on for longest and were most intense/impactful. However, there were a couple that I had which were atypical, which involved my having some "infatuation" with someone (this was when I was younger) and suddenly being very disturbed to find myself abruptly losing those feelings and wondering "why". In retrospect, this was because I actually had gotten with a couple of guys that were so "good"...it scared me. They were either in ways to sedate for me and so I sensed they likely wouldn't understand the darker things about me, or in a couple of cases, I felt I didn't deserve them with the challenges I had. That's a very sad thing to look back on, now, either way you slice that one.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Tired of Vampires

 

what a lovely post

[tiredofvampires]

^Why thank you for saying so.

 

Yours was capital as well.

[JadedStar]

Most of the time the intiator knows exactly why but is hesitant to say "i dont love you anymore" or "I have found someone else" beucase they still care about you enough not to want to hurt you more than they already have.

 

Moving on doesn't mean you know longer care about that person's feelings so very few people are as cold as to come right out and say "I just dont love you anymore" and if there is another person in the picture very few would ever admit it.

 

I think the reasons why seem very important to the dumpee, but at the end of the day the really important info to know is they want out. Just let them go and keep as much of your dignity intact as you can.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

 

I think the reasons why seem very important to the dumpee, but at the end of the day the really important info to know is they want out. Just let them go and keep as much of your dignity intact as you can.

 

very, very, true. I learned a long time ago that its pointless asking why. You may as well leave the situation with dignity and calm because at least you will appear in control as opposed to crying and coming accross as the psycho b**ch from h*ll , only confirming his decision that to dump your sorry *ss was the best decision!

[npc24]

sao you think its strange to cry when someone dumps you?

dont you think thats being a bit cold?

i broke down hard when he left me, its only now 10 months after that he and i cant talk and that he has completely cut me out of his life.