The Clues Were There.....

[barelyalive]

and when I think back to the little hints he dropped, I realise they were veiled criticisms or subtle comparisons between me and this new woman he is now with, although I wasn't aware of the role she was playing in his life.

 

When he cheated on me the first time, he found a friend in an older woman who would counsel him on how to heal what had happened between us. I knew he and this woman did things together, and I trusted it was just a friendship.

 

Over the past couple of months we were together (in an LDR because I had to move last year when things were getting too volatile between us) and trying to patch things up, he would often write to me how lonely he was, and how much he needed touch and contact and reunion with me. I saw him in February, and once when we were eating breakfast together at a restaurant, he asked me why my voice wasn't expressive, and why I didn't talk to him more. It was hard for me to open up to him at the time because it had only been a couple of months since he slept with the first girl, and I was still recovering. Yes, I was a little more reserved, but I was just trying to mend.

 

He ended up walking out on me, leaving me in the restaurant. When I got home, he started packing his bags, saying he was going to leave. I was sobbing, I was just so emotionally raw because of all that had happened.

 

We smoothed it over, and in the next month he began writing less and less, and starting sounding more and more optimistic. He told me he was walking all over town, was involved in all sorts of spiritual healing groups, and he sent me a book that he thought would help me evolve spiritually. He also said he was going on mini-vacations to the coast and other places.

 

In one of his last emails he said it was so important to have a confidant to talk to about anything, without fear of reaction or judgment.

 

I have since then found out that he was walking all over town with her, that he was attending all these spiritual groups with her, that the book he sent to me was one she gave him, that he took trips with her, and that she was a more bubbly, outgoing personality, hence the jab at the fact that I am more softspoken.

 

I also saw him getting increasingly disgusted with the fact that I felt reserved around him sexually because I was still hurting, and also because he didn't get tested for STD's after sleeping with the last girl.

 

Although he told me he respected my healing journey and would wait for as long as it took me to feel better, and he would indeed get tested so I could feel more relaxed with him, I suppose I just wasn't worth the extra time and effort.

 

So today I am going through the little clues and innuendos in my mind, and I realise these were indications that he was moving toward her whilst still with me, and it hurts, and damnit, I hate that I go back to feeling like I was somehow inadequate.

[thejigsup]

You have a right to ask for time to heal and he has a right to not wait. Simple. As far as being guiet goes, that has never won a man back and it never will. They see it as manipulative while we see it as being honest about our feelings. Nothing you can do at this point but wait and see what happens. I think you need time away from him and he, you. You could do better than this guy. While I understand why he fell for a bubbly girl(I'm one), I don't understand his dishonesty. That cancels any good points he may have. Get yourself together and move on.

[EyesOnThePrize]

BA - I think one of the big issues in my relationship was communications, and part of it was something you touched on, that she believes her new bf talks to her as "an equal" (her words) and that I was often arrogant/condescending with her. I think she also got the "no reaction or judgment" from him. And, I think that's easy when they have an internet/phone based relationship. As soon as they are together for a short time I expect he will be off his best behavior and just be a normal schmuck like the rest of us. I suspect your ex will find out the same thing about his new woman, too.

[nickbroken]

BA - I think one of the big issues in my relationship was communications, and part of it was something you touched on, that she believes her new bf talks to her as "an equal" (her words) and that I was often arrogant/condescending with her. I think she also got the "no reaction or judgment" from him. And, I think that's easy when they have an internet/phone based relationship. As soon as they are together for a short time I expect he will be off his best behavior and just be a normal schmuck like the rest of us. I suspect your ex will find out the same thing about his new woman, too.

 

 

 

Yeah... communication...or lack of.....number1 killer of relationships....maybe I should take some communication classes.

[barelyalive]

Right--I saw there were definite problems in our communication, but the odd thing is I am normally a very open and talkative person. Shy in may ways, yes, but I do open up and enjoy delving into all kinds of topics, etc.

 

For some reason, I didn't seem to interest my ex with anything I did or said--I have a silly, engaging side, a serious side, reflective side, playful side, sensual side, but none of these "sides" seemed to catch his interest in any way. I often felt like I was talking to a wall, as horrible as that sounds.

 

So I keep thinking how does this new gal catch his interest when I couldn't? Does it really all boil down to the fact that she was willing to bed him right away? I don't know.....

 

After three years of togetherness, and all the profound stories and poems and insights we shared, sheeeesh...this hurts.

 

But I appreciate your insights, eyes---There's got to be a time when the lust phase drifts away, and the reality of the situation settles in.....People have to face one another for who they are, not just what they can gratify, sublimate, assauge, distract.....

[EyesOnThePrize]

Right--I saw there were definite problems in our communication, but the odd thing is I am normally a very open and talkative person. Shy in may ways, yes, but I do open up and enjoy delving into all kinds of topics, etc.

 

One of my many posters on the wall says "Is this a time for suggestions or a time to listen. I want to help." Maybe he just wanted you there to listen sometimes and you wanted to get deeper into subjects. It could well have been a boundary issue.

 

For some reason, I didn't seem to interest my ex with anything I did or said--I have a silly, engaging side, a serious side, reflective side, playful side, sensual side, but none of these "sides" seemed to catch his interest in any way. I often felt like I was talking to a wall, as horrible as that sounds.

 

I read something the other day that was an "ouch" moment for me and sounds perhaps similar to this. Basically, someone was talking about how his ex didn't listen to him/ignored him when he was speaking, and she said "Its because he doesn't talk with me, he talks at me. Does that strike a chord at all?

 

So I keep thinking how does this new gal catch his interest when I couldn't? Does it really all boil down to the fact that she was willing to bed him right away? I don't know.....

 

I think that's part of it, and I think her just meeting more of his emotional needs at the present than you were was a big factor. Let's say that sex was his #1 emotional need. Well, her meeting it and you not could have been a huge factor. However, he has other emotional needs that need to be met, and if she is not meeting them, it will just be more of the same down the road, IMO. The first book I read as we were going through the divorce process as link removed and after reading it, I realized some huge mistakes we had both made in meeting each other's emotional needs. It also has what I thought was some great stuff on the genesis of love and affairs (I keep the the Love Bank concept in mind a lot) that helped me understand why what happened in my marriage happened. Will it ultimately be enough to restore things? Stay tuned. lol.

 

After three years of togetherness, and all the profound stories and poems and insights we shared, sheeeesh...this hurts.

 

But I appreciate your insights, eyes---There's got to be a time when the lust phase drifts away, and the reality of the situation settles in.....People have to face one another for who they are, not just what they can gratify, sublimate, assauge, distract.....

 

I hear your pain in the posts. And I also look at the growth you seem to be experiencing, and think its fun that you're changing your outlook on things. And you're welcome. I'm just doing what I can to contribute. ENA has given a lot to me in the short time I've been here, and I enjoy giving back. I like playing win-win.

[mke11077]

Your headline says it all "The Clues Were There"... It seems he had feelings for both of you and slowly started going in her direction. IN NO WAY DOES THAT MEAN YOU ARE INADEQUATE!!! She is either a better match for him or she's just a sweet talker him and swept him off his feet. As hard as it might be I think you should slowly try to break all contact with him. It may hurt now but who's to say if you get back together with him in the future that this whole thing won't happen again. Then you'll be right back to where you are now...

 

Everyone knows how tough it is to get over someone you love, but I think you need to try. It's normal to hurt, but do you really wanna be sad??? Move on hun, it's probably for the best...

[nickbroken]

I'm just doing what I can to contribute. ENA has given a lot to me in the short time I've been here, and I enjoy giving back. I like playing win-win.

 

So when you gonna give me that 55 bucks?

[barelyalive]

I often felt like my ex was talking "through" me, or "at" me, and not with me. I didn't like the feeling. When he tried speaking with him, he would be moving all around the room, or else turning his head away. I didn't get it. It drove me nuts!

 

Yes, she is certainly meeting that sexual/emotional need in him, but it hurts like hell that it wasn't met with me--I know I certainly tried. It just got too weird and painful when he always wanted to give himself pleasure, and seemed to enjoy it more than my own touch. Whhhhyyy? It also felt embarrassing that I was the only one who seemed to feel emotionally present when we were making love--He would sort of look down at me with interest, but not really involvement. That made me feel totally alone and icky.

 

And I am a very sensual person--very intuned with things in that way, so it hurt.......

 

Someone wrote about being a "loveless husk" I sort of feel sickened and sad when I think of him just wanting that kind of interaction, and not emotional interaction. I don't know.

 

I remember the first night I met him, how I embraced him and felt this special spark as I kissed him tenderly, but when I looked over at him, he was just looking away, as if bored. He also thought it amusing to break wind during our romantic encounters. Sigh.

 

But for three years he insisted that he was passionately in love with me.....Sigh.

[barelyalive]

Thanks mke--Boy, does this pain smart like nothing else I have ever felt in my life. But I know I have to stop blaming myself and just accept that our issues drove a wedge between us. I wanted to work at it, he wanted to fly away in the end.

[EyesOnThePrize]

BA - I think you need a trip to LV...I promise to get tested...lol.

 

Also, I believe it was not just "his issues." I think it takes two make a break-up. There are no angels.

[barelyalive]

You're right, eyes. It was not just about his issues--I need to go edit that and put "our".......Thank you ....I realised that it felt wrong when I just wrote "his"

 

Yes, LV......Might as well--At least get a frozen yogurt with you for $3 LOL

[barelyalive]

Thank god for your kind and direct words, kitty. These mean so much to me--Always have.

 

And the reminder that there are kind and spiritual souls out there keeps me holding on.....keeps me moving forward.....Thank you.....

[EyesOnThePrize]

You're right, eyes. It was not just about his issues--I need to go edit that and put "our".......Thank you ....I realised that it felt wrong when I just wrote "his"

 

Yes, LV......Might as well--At least get a frozen yogurt with you for $3 LOL

 

$3 is a small...for you, I'll spring for $3.25 for the medium!

[jraf]

and damnit, I hate that I go back to feeling like I was somehow inadequate.

 

This seems to be a rather belittling view of yourself doesn't it?

 

1. you were with your bf for a long period of time

2. he became attracted to someone "different" and had a fling.

3. you were, of course, hurt and he didn't seem to recognize that you couldn't dismiss the event as readily as he could and he wasn't much interested in helping you get over the fling (if that was your inclination)

 

His being a jerk doesn't make you inadequate. If he truly cared, he would have done whatever it took to try to put your relationship back together. Ditching it was what he did.

 

Good to find out now, rather than later I would think.

[barelyalive]

Heck, maybe I'll even try the large. I am skin and bones these days because I haven't been eating much, bit kind of like it because I can now fit into a pair of tiny pants I wore at 21. Chuckle.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Heck, maybe I'll even try the large. I am skin and bones these days because I haven't been eating much, bit kind of like it because I can now fit into a pair of tiny pants I wore at 21. Chuckle.

 

Waitasec...now we're getting pricey...don't tell me you want toppings, too!

[barelyalive]

Thank yo, jraf, for that sobering viewpoint. It feels reassuring to have people point these things out--You're right. He would have tried to make things work if he really wanted to. He said he would do anything it took, but he left a lot of it up to me.

 

When he cheated on me the first time, he told me he was waiting for me to come back to him once I "got over it." I think in his mind he had a set time, in a way, where I would heal and get better, and if I surpassed it, then too bad for me.

 

He didn't seem too interested in talking about how I felt about his cheating on me. My roommate tried to have a sit-down talk with him, but he there really was no reaction on his part, so it just remained rather "unspoken" that I was hurting.

 

I had the feeling that I had to figure it out myself. There was no sense of "we'll get through this together."

 

I don't know. I just want to stoppppppp this pain. It's getting better, slowly.

[barelyalive]

Quick, someone get me an extra 25 cents so eyes will let me have some toppings!

[barelyalive]

The more I write here, the more I rememeber what he said about his last fling. He told me I didn't show him love and affection, and she did, simply based on the fact that she slept with him straight away.

 

Later, when she was screaming in the streets and threatening suicide, he suddenly realised that I was a very loving, compassionate woman.

[nickbroken]

My current ex was actually very loving an affectionate...but that kinda faded I guess really towards the end...when she got off work we sat and watched TV and she sat on myspace talking to some chick friend of hers she works with...some chick thats 18 never been in a serious relationship and prolly gave her some advice to lose me haha...women need to stop listening to their friends.

[barelyalive]

A true friend does not tell someone to leave a relationship based on information received over myspace chatting.....I am sorry all of this pain is happening to you, especially given the amount of love and dedication you had for your ex.

 

Her own issues were stronger than your willingness to love and encourage her, and that is the worst fact to accept. I am trying to accept this in my own situation as well.

 

Just remember that until your ex resolves her own issues, she will keep repeating the same cycles....."Different face, same place" as one of my wise friends told me.

[Litgirl01]

A true friend does not tell someone to leave a relationship based on information received over myspace chatting.....I am sorry all of this pain is happening to you, especially given the amount of love and dedication you had for your ex.

 

Her own issues were stronger than your willingness to love and encourage her, and that is the worst fact to accept. I am trying to accept this in my own situation as well.

 

Just remember that until your ex resolves her own issues, she will keep repeating the same cycles....."Different face, same place" as one of my wise friends told me.

 

This is EXACTLY right...they will repeat the same cycles! We also need to look at our own cycles and get the help we need not to repeat them...especially if they are very unhealthy or self-destructive!! xx

[barelyalive]

Absolutely true, litgirl.

[nickbroken]

Atleast I won't be repeating the cycle of getting back with her again hahaha...spooks me that we broke up at around this time 2 years ago...for the same reasons.....I need to bust out the tarot cards.