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Critical situation...literally lifechanging!


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Hey. This is my first post here. I have a very tricky situation which may not seem so bad if i could get a few opinions. its a fairly long story but bare with it cos you need all the facts.


Firstly i'm 18 now and out of school. She is in Matric (her final year) and is currently 17. I am also seriously shy and as such i have never (yes...never) had a girlfriend before, havent asked anyone out before, let alone kissed a girl.


It all started last year (2002) June. I suddenly found this girl who caught my eye. She is stunning, smart, fun and basically perfect. She shares similar interests as me (especially with regards to music) and she and i seem to be quite like-minded. This became more evident since we became good friends (we have known each other for a long time now, so we know quite a bit about each other), we even organised a whole concert for the school together. Well after 2 months of psyching up i asked her to be my partner at our matric dance (the South African equivalent of the senior prom) and she *smiled* and said "I'd love to!". Needless to say i was the happiest guy in the world.


We had a good time but i was still too shy to take it further. I waited and after i left school the only contact i had with her was the occasional, but friendly, email. I stupidly asked her if she would like to go to lunch via email but she replied saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship (I later found out that she had broken up with her previous BF a few days prior.)


Distressed i decided to give her space (a move congratulated by some of my friends)...schoolwork was catching up to her and she was very busy...a fact backed up by her friends and teachers (I did speak to them). But now i have decided to make my move and recently i asked her (in person this time) whether she would like to "meet me for coffee?" to which she smiled (again...i nearly fainted) and said "sure!".


Now my coffee date is for this coming monday (the 8th) and now i'm not sure how to handle this.


I seriously think i'm in love with this girl and i'm confused but i dont want to mess things up.


I have a number of queries:


Judging by the way she responds to me, I think she knows i like her and she likes me as well. Am i justified in thinking this?

Assuming the chitchat and small-talk goes well, do i open up to her and tell her how i feel "i really like you" and ask her straight out "will you go out with me?", or should i say something like "I'd like to do this again sometime."

If she says yes i will propose going to watch a movie. Should i, at this stage, be holding her hand, putting my arm around her in the theatre, holding her in any way?

Afterwards, should i kiss her?

What should i say after the kiss?


I know these questions are rather general but i'm confused as some of my friends give me advice saying one thing and others say another thing and i would love some advice ASAP!


She means a lot to me and she doesnt know it. I want to show her the kind of person i am and that i am the right guy for her.


Thanks a lot in advance!

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well i think that is great you landed a coffee date with her, sounds to me like she is interested they way you put it any ways by saying she replied with "Sure!" if it sounded enthusiastic than she probably was thrilled at the idea of going out on a "casual" date.


Your in the bag, So Seal the Deal


during the date, i would ask her things like what SHE is interested in, Don't talk about yourself, to much any ways, just seem really into what she is "TALKING" about, eye contact, raise your eyebrows, smile, laugh, HAVE a good time, and if your not, act like you are, it will make her feel more comfortable talking with you, I.e. opening up more to you.


After the Cup of Tea


I noticed you posted a multitude of queries


I think #2 was a good choice, BUT i would avoid the last part of that, remember you just meet this girl Rushing in to fast might push her away. (cat mouse game) don't get to close to the mouse...


With #1 and what you said "am i justified to think this way" well yea sure you are, No doubt....your looking for signs, body language, expressions in the face, tone of voice, eye contact....a whole array of things.


all Of those implemented together is what is going to give you what your looking for, If she is interested i think you will know (I'll provide a link below that guides you what 2 look for)


The Kiss....


again you just meet her, i would instead of a kiss just say "i had a wonderful time with you tonight" get her number and call her next day, or wait 1 day *all up too you*


Wen you get in touch with her on the phone, you can again ask her out for something like what you mentioned a Movie, caution with a movie, it really doesn't allow time for two people to communicate well, your watching a movie...think about it, You live in south Africa, take her to a Zoo, Park, somewhere that communication can commence again.


Asking her out again: (full proof method to save from being rejected)


ok listen close, when your asking her to join you on a outing don't say


"what are you doing Friday" why....because you set a date, you set a time, she might have plans...and she would have to cancel on you, making it seem like she is rejecting you. (not good)


Full proof way of asking


"hey you know I'd love to do something with you again"


"i had such a great time, would you want too do something in the future"


SEE....you didn't say "Friday" you didn't set a time, so she can't say "OH i have plans" and if she does she would feel stupid saying it, But from what it sounds like she doesn't want to reject you, she sounds interested..play this out, things take time...remember the cat mouse game, don't show too much of yourself and your feelings towards her, your in good shape just stay that way for a while, then reform yourself when you have solid ground to stand on with her.

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Hey thank you for your advice. I just need to let you know that it isnt like i've just met her, we have been friends and i just want to take it further and i dont want to drag it out so that she feels "when is he gonna do it"


I dont want to shock anyone but I know that she likes me too and i'm wondering if maybe i can be a little more adventurous in my approach. Which is why i'm asking. I dont want to rush her, but i also dont want to treat her as if i dont know her.


But there's some solid advice in there and i will take it to heart! thank you very much!

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If you are going to kiss her on the first date give her a good night kiss but ask her first if you dont know if she wants to. After the date when you are taking her home and you feel that the date went good ask her out agen but do it like S4il said. Be funny on the dat but not cornny. And dont worie about not dating when you are 18 I was 19 before I went on my first date and the girl had to ask me out. Just remember to have fun.

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Well I had my date on Monday and it was a fair success...here's why.


We met up at the coffee shop and when she got to the table (i was sitting there) i got up, looked her in the eyes, smiled and said 'hello!' ... she did the same. I then pulled her chair out for her and she sat and i sat. We ordered cappuchino's and started talking.


We talked for about 30 minutes about the time that had passed since we has last seen each other. I then subtly slipped the hint and asked her whether she was doing anything at the mall afterwards...she replied saying that she was doing christmas shopping with her sister...(which kinda caught me by surprise but it makes sense and i dont really read much into that...)


Never-the-less the eye contact was good, smiles where there and there was a lot of laughter. I remain convinced she likes me. When we finished up she apologized that she couldnt go see the movie, to which i smiled and said "It's quite ok, maybe we can watch a movie next time" to which she replied "Yes". We parted smiling, but no kiss or anything.


SO.... basically, i felt that she wasn't ready for me to ask her out properly (to be my gf ) and actually i was quite nervous, although i tried very hard to cover it up, with reasonable success!


What is my next step from there? Have i done everything right so far? This girl - i'm crazy about her and i dont want to mess anything up!




- Dave

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Dave, Sounds good.

i felt that she wasn't ready for me to ask her out properly (to be my gf )
Well this was your guys first date right? I would wate until at least the 3rd date befor you ask her to be your g/f.
What is my next step from there?
Ask her out on an anouther date, but wate for 2-3 days befor you ask her out so you dont sound despret.
Have i done everything right so far?
Yea you did not rush it, you had fun, sounds like a grate date. Just keep your cool, and dont become clingy. Like I said keep us up dated. It is nice to here that some of us are have luck with relasionships.
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