I feel like a closet heterosexual in a gay man's body.....

[gringo]

I would first like to openly confess that I have homosexual tendencies.

 

Not only do I have homosexual tendencies, but my family has a history of homosexuality, which I did not know about until only recently.

 

In fact, I honestly believed that I was the only one in my family that had these tendencies with the exception of my great uncle who remained openly gay up until his death to AIDS in 1994.

 

It wasn't until just last summer when I went to see my parents that they openly confessed that my father and almost all of my uncles are all closet homosexuals who live what would appear to be otherwise heterosexual lives; I did not know this nor realize this until that time since none of them acted or appeared gay.

 

I always wondered why it was that I had such a horrible time keeping girlfriends. I am actually attracted to the female form, but I suffer such a high anxiety around females that when I seek to form relationships that I find it diffcult to maintain that relationship. Also, I have a horrible fear of bad consequences occurring if I were to some how express myself sexually to them. For ages I was afraid to even admit that I had an attraction to girls even though I had felt a strong attraction to them.....

 

Out of all honesty I want to be happy and fufilled in life. I want to have a happy life with a woman, but I can't get past these feelings, and I don't want to be gay either.

 

I think gay sex is disgusting and I am not attracted to the male form at all.

 

In fact, what I see as something sexual is rather androgyneous; having the qualities of both sexes, but mostly feminine.

 

I honestly believe that homosexuality is a genetic condition and not a condition of the environment and I am living proof.

 

I know some of you may want me to feel that I should come out with this openly, but I do not want to suffer the consequences of being judged and isolated from people who do not understand and would otherwise be my friends.

 

If there is anyone out there who has any good words for me or some advice please feel free to respond.

[dfcannon]

First of all, your sexuality is your sexuality, and you shouldn't feel demeaned by whatever your tastes are. Your sexual identity is also not something preordained by family history, i.e. you don't need to choose a gay lifestyle just because others in your family did.

 

Starting from a point of acute self-awareness, which you seem to have, you should seek out a partner who understands and accepts who you REALLY are. In your situation, it seems an ideal match would be a bisexual woman. As for whatever fantasies you may have about men, you are free to have them and do not need to act on them.

 

I hope I have helped. Yours is a complicated and subtle question. You may want to seek some kind of counseling, not to try to change your sexuality, but to learn how to live with it.

[gringo]

First of all, your sexuality is your sexuality, and you shouldn't feel demeaned by whatever your tastes are. Your sexual identity is also not something preordained by family history, i.e. you don't need to choose a gay lifestyle just because others in your family did.

 

I don't feel demeaned by it; it's that I live in a community that is heavily christian and homosexuality is not accepted and if I admit it openly I would be shunned.

 

Starting from a point of acute self-awareness, which you seem to have, you should seek out a partner who understands and accepts who you REALLY are. In your situation, it seems an ideal match would be a bisexual woman. As for whatever fantasies you may have about men, you are free to have them and do not need to act on them.

 

That may be hard as I said I live in a community that is heavily influenced by Christianity and finding anyone who understands and accepts me will be hard. I don't want to stop being a christian it is how I was raised and it is where I feel comfortable.

 

I hope I have helped. Yours is a complicated and subtle question. You may want to seek some kind of counseling, not to try to change your sexuality, but to learn how to live with it.

 

Yes, I should....

[dfcannon]

If that's the case, what is preventing you from moving to an area with a strong gay community? No one says that you cannot maintain your Christian practices and beliefs. I have been active in several churches, and remember there were active, respected, gay members. I accepted them, and so did other non-gay members of the church.

 

Now, there is a fierce debate about having gay clergy members, I know, but I see this more as a reflection of the growing acceptance that anything else.

 

No TRUE Christian will ever condemn or shun someone for his "sins." Jesus said "he who hath not sinned shall throw the first stone." I think that's a wonderful expression of compassion and decency. Also, I'm not an expert on the Bible, but I don't think there are explicit condemnations of homosexuals in the Bible. These attitudes you are facing are actually more secular and emotional in nature...they are not the "word of God." The people who call themselves Christians and shun you are not real Christians, in my opinion.

 

It sounds as if you are caught up in some kind of sub-sect of Christianity, and once again, I think that moving and broadening your horizons and options would be a great thing for you, if you're willing to do it.