ex doing "badly" ... but do I believe it?

[sparrow]

Okay, so I haven't updated in a while because it's been a little over the 3 week mark for me and since I've been so traumatized by running into my ex twice with the same girl each time, I've been avoiding him like the plague. We run in similar circles and social environments, so while it sucks that I've had to give up some of my social life in favor of healing, it's just what I've realized I simply HAVE to do to recover. Every run-in sets me back in eating, sleeping, self-esteem, so it's like I'm literally a recovering addict, I feel like.

 

This past Monday, I played a very important, relatively high-profile gig with my band. It was a show that my ex and I had discussed many times, how much he was looking forward to it. Since we broke up, though, he told me he didn't think he would go because he didn't want to contribute to making me feel uncomfortable. I told him to do what was "best" for him. So instead, he sent me a text before the show and said "I don't mean to disturb you but I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best for tonight. Go get 'em, friendo." It was sort of nice to receive the text, but it was also delivered in such a "friend" "chummy" sort of manner that I was immediately pissed off and offended. I think the sentiment was probably honest, but I just didn't respond to the text. Not even a "thank you." What's the point? He's off seeing other women, I'd heard, so some text isn't half enough to convince me that he's a great, caring guy.

 

He's been calling our mutual friends, who are a couple, who've been helping me and supportive of me throughout this whole thing. They are well aware of the history between me and my ex through the 4 years, the cheating, the breaking up and getting back together, etc. He's trying to make sure things are "cool" with them, but they've made it clear to me that they think he's an idiot, and while still a nice guy, royally screwed things up with me and is making horrible life decisions. They think he's going nowhere, and are there for me. Anyway, the guy in the couple went to give my ex a camera he had fixed for him at his workplace, and apparently my ex looks like utter crap. That he looks run-down, out of it, and exhausted. He apparently told my friend that he "gets sad" and that he doesn't understand anything he's doing at all and that he's all messed up inside, but that he realizes he "was in a really great relationship, but just with not the right person for me" or "not the one for me," or something to that effect. He said that he'd ben trying to write music, but can't, tries to take photographs, but just can't... that he doesn't know what he's doing, etc. He asked my friend if I was going to be at his work that evening (he works at a club) and my friend said no, and then some other of my friends showed up at the club and he RAN from them. When my friend asked him why he ran, my ex said that "those are Sparrow's friends... I just can't see them right now." Feels guilty, that one, huh?

 

So, while it may seem clear that it's finally hitting my ex that I'm GONE, I'm OUT of his life (I haven't been contacting him AT ALL - complete NC), both I and my friend surmised either 1) he really is all messed up inside and it's finally hitting him and he's experiencing his first bouts of confusion and regret or 2) this is all a manipulative act for my friend's benefit so he can seem like a caring, sensitive guy: he's been trying to weasel his way back into their lives because he's paranoid they think less of him now (they do... MUCH less) OR 3) he got rejected by one of these young girls he's been gadding about with recently, and is eating humble pie and pities his situation.

 

A situation HE put himself in. I find it truly rich that he can say that he was in a "great" relationship but I wasn't for him, or it wasn't for him. HOW can someone be in a great relationship and have it NOT be for them? I guess if he were someone a little more self-aware, I would have some semblance of understanding, but I truly don't think he would know what was or who was good for him even if it slapped him accross the face.

 

I hope he is feeling like garbage right now. Even if it's just for a moment... he put me through HELL and now it's his turn to experience what it feels like to truly be alone, no matter who he's taking to bed with him. When his looks and charm fade, there's really not a whole else there if he doesn't start working on himself NOW, before it's too late.

 

In the meantime, I could have gone to see a show at the club he works at, but I was frankly content with just staying in with my glad pal, drinking wine and eating cheese and talking. The last thing I need right now is for him to throw my center of gravity off. He's taken power away from me for 4 years, and I'm taking it back.

[RandomAdvisor]

(I haven't been contacting him AT ALL - complete NC)

 

You may not be contacting him directly, but I wouldn't say you have NC with him per say because he is still a part of your life indirectly through your mutual friends.

 

You're not together with this man anymore, and look at all the energy you're still investing in him.

 

I understand that you're angry with him and you should be. It sounds like you two had an otherwise good relationship, and he screwed it all up because he was basically too weak to hold on to what you two had together. And you're right - that's his loss. One day he probably will wake up and realize what a fool he's been, and maybe he'll even call you telling you what an idiot he is and begging for you to take him back. But don't sit around fantasizing about when that day will come - it's not healthy for you to do.

 

I know you need to vent and that's basically why you made this post. But my one suggestion would be to inform your mutual friends that you would like them to not speak to you about him anymore. More over, you should also tell them not to tell him anything about you either.

 

It's over and you're still hurting but you need to move on. Simply not speaking to him is not enough though - you need to try and stop dwelling on it so much and analyzing what happened in the relationship with him and why. I get the impression you already have a very good idea of what happened.

 

Of course it's cliche and you probably get frustrated to hear it from many people, but you sound like a great girl and I'm sure you'll find someone better - someone capable of handling your love - eventually. Hang in there.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Random adviser thats so true. You think because you have no contact with someone that your in NC but until theres NO ONE AT ALL giving him information or talking of sparrow with him, he has contact.

[Daria_Lane]

You may not be contacting him directly, but I wouldn't say you have NC with him per say because he is still a part of your life indirectly through your mutual friends.

 

Y But my one suggestion would be to inform your mutual friends that you would like them to not speak to you about him anymore. More over, you should also tell them not to tell him anything about you either.

 

I totally agree with this

 

For some rteason I just get the feeling that the mutual friends are telling you things you wanna hear in regards to him and who knows what they tell him in return.

I think you stop the discussions about him with them. If you have to talk about him, do it with pals that dont have any ties to your ex.

 

Good job on the NC though and yea your ex's text annoyed me although the "friendo" made me laugh cos of the fact that I absolutely loved "No Country For Old Men"..but still it's so annoying when these people can just send messages without trying so hard to stress that "hey im only sending this as a friend. dont forget it's just a FRIEND thing. Did I mention that Im only being FRIENDly"

[robert-45]

I am in a similar situation to your ex. I left. I'm sorry I did. It's eating me up now. I want her back, but she won't have me. We were married 11 years and have two kids. It's just the biggest mistake I ever made. I realize it and I'm in pain.

[Litgirl01]

I agree! I love sitting with my girlfriends and talking over wine and cheese! Good for you!!

[sparrow]

I guess I just didn't think about the fact that people telling me about him, etc., was still having contact. It's only been a little over 3 weeks, so this is gonna take some time to die down, I would think. Not ALL of our friends are mutual... he has SO many acquaintances and friends, it was impossible for me to keep up. Even though I live in a city, it still feels so small because of how many connections people have with one another. It's a bit annoying.

 

I'm not consciously trying to ferret out info about him... it just happens because we know so many people in common. And my ex is trying really hard right now, apparently, to make sure that our "mutual" friends still are "cool" with him. It's manipulative on his part. I'm not entirely sure that last night he WAS really as torn up as he presented to my friend. And it may all have been crocodile tears, but I'm TRYING. I'm trying to take it day by day.

 

I have NO desire to speak to him or see him, and have been actively avoiding certain social situations where he's likely to be. It's hard. I just come on this board to vent and get feedback and I am really grateful to you all for your perspectives...

[thejigsup]

I was in a situation like that once. Turned out the guy was playing it up for my friends. Seems he would have liked a little physical "reunion" but that was all. He thought by playing the sympathy card I would give him a tumble. I was over him at that point so it didn't work. Forget this guy. If he really wants you back, he will tell you himself.