Forgiveness

[EyesOnThePrize]

These words are not mine, I'm copying them from a post on another divorce board. However, IMO they state this beautifully.

 

Let me ask this ?

 

Will it cause you any harm to forgive someone?

 

Will it hurt you in any way to forgive?

 

What horrible thing would actually happen to you if you do forgive?

 

I know the value of forgiving, and only those that have forgiven (truly) know what that feels like. For me, it was a 50 lb backpack that I carried around daily. It wasn't getting me in shape, nor making me stronger. I was weaker and more stressed having carried all the anger, bitterness, sour mood, etc. It was hurting my relationships that were good. Who wants to be around a pity party right?

 

Forgiveness costs you nothing, yet you are all the richer for granting it. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, it means you are doing yourself a huge favor.

[Litgirl01]

Forgiveness is very important to healing. However, it's going to take me a little while longer!

[cs90453]

Forgivness is also believeing that the person would never do it again given the chance. Another question to ask is does that person believe that there's anything to forgive? Hard to forgive someone who dosen't believe that they did anything wrong or who isn't responsible for feeling the way they did for doing whatever they done. I guess it's called remorse.

[coco3]

Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that the person would never do it again...That would only apply in a situation where you are giving the person a second chance. I remember being told before that forgiveness is NOT ABOUT THEM, it is only about YOU!!

 

Forgiveness is letting go of anger, hate, resentment. It is not about them because it does not change what happened. It is about you because when you release yourself from the anger, hate or resentment, you are releasing yourself from the power that person or that person's actions had over you.

 

Forgiveness will never change anything about the person or the events that occurred, but it will change the way you feel and the way you live your life as a result.

[greensleeves]

Here's something Allie 2064 posted a couple of days ago...I found it very helpful. coco is right, forgiveness is for you, not the person you're forgiving.

 

"Forgiveness"

 

Forgiveness is critical to a healthy life.

 

By holding on to an injury, we are hoping for a better past which will never happen.

 

Forgiveness recognizes that we were unjusty treated, and that it will not be corrected.

 

Forgiveness does not condone the injustice.

 

It is a decision not to let the injustice control my life any longer.

[CallingAllAngels]

Thank you Greensleeves...I actually posted this a while ago under the "Personal Growth" Section of eNA. I just moved it up to the front of that Forum for anyone who wishes to view the Original Post.

 

Seems now a lot of people are struggling with forgiveness. I hope this offeres some comfort to someone.

 

~Allie.

[cs90453]

Well I've read somewhere else that to get a second chance, you have to take responsibility for what you have done. Another thing to ponder is do these people really learn anything from these experiences? I understand your point and it is really important to let go of the anger. But letting go the anger and giving someone a second chance in two entirely different things. Letting go the anger you have for yourself is more important I feel. It's not right to feel angry at yourself for trusting someone else.

[greensleeves]

Well I've read somewhere else that to get a second chance, you have to take responsibility for what you have done. Another thing to ponder is do these people really learn anything from these experiences? I understand your point and it is really important to let go of the anger. But letting go the anger and giving someone a second chance in two entirely different things. Letting go the anger you have for yourself is more important I feel. It's not right to feel angry at yourself for trusting someone else.

 

Forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean giving them a second chance. You can forgive someone for doing whatever and still move on with your life without them in it. It isn't even important that you tell them that you forgive them...as long as you know inside that you've forgiven their transgression, or are working on forgiving them, then you can start to let go of the anger. But, it can be very hard to forgive when someone's done something to hurt you...I think it takes time.

[blondie86]

I have a very hard time forgiving people, something I clearly need to work on. I find it so much easier to just cut someone out of my life, than accept what they've done and move on. Doesn't say much about me I guess =/

[EyesOnThePrize]

BTW, this is what I said in the thread where I took the original quote:

 

I've already forgiven my ex. The divorce was caused by actions of both of us. We had pride and stubbornness and let our communications fall apart. And I believe that we were both doing what made sense to us and the best we could. I still love her and she is the most important person in the world to me. To bear a grudge against her, especially when I still hope to reconcile at some point, makes no sense to me. Most days I have a harder time forgiving myself for the mistakes I made. I am channeling that into doing things better now so that the future will be brighter for me, with or without her.

[cs90453]

It just says that you are human...nothing wrong with that. You are right greensleeves, people should let go of the anger and I guess that I'm fortunate that my personality dosen't allow me to hold on to negative things about someone. I just find myself that it takes more energy to hold on to those things than it is to let it go. People have done things to me in the past and I don't hate them even though I hate what they did. I tend to beat myself up wondering what on earth did I do to this person to deserve this? I have alot of friends and I get upset because friendship dosen't mean as much to some people I guess.

[just M.E.]

"Forgive and forget, and while you are at it, forget that you forgave."

 

I haven't been able to forgive yet, I am indifferent though, maybe there is some pity of the destruction he brings on himself and others. I need a little more distance between me and his malevolence to find forgiveness. It requires a Christ-like persona to forgive while you are still taking the beating (i.e. the divorce, what he is doing has even my very controlled lawyer spouting obsenities).

 

Where they are enraged by his behavior, I see the absurd. If he wasn't causing so much harm to others, I could forgive more easily.

 

I am not one to quote the Bible but this comes to me from my childhood .... "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do"

 

I guess in life this is very true. If our transgressers really knew what they do, they could not go on doing it, so they turn a blind eye.

[sparrow]

It's hard to forgive someone when you've forgiven them in the past, reconciled, got back together, and they did the exact same thing all over again. I worked HARD to forgive the last time, and I'm not sure if I can forgive him ever again. At least, not for a long time. Right now, I am working on forgiving MYSELF for having been a bit too loving a bit too kind and a bit too steadfast in my complete devotion to him. I think that's more important right now. Forgiving him? I don't know if that will ever happen.

[nic2463]

Why forgive someone who doesnt care about your feelings,the last thing on my mind at the moment is forgiving her.

Maybe years down the line, when i couldnt care less maybe a little pity would be apt.

[greensleeves]

I have a very hard time forgiving people, something I clearly need to work on. I find it so much easier to just cut someone out of my life, than accept what they've done and move on. Doesn't say much about me I guess =/

 

Why forgive someone who doesnt care about your feelings,the last thing on my mind at the moment is forgiving her.

Maybe years down the line, when i couldnt care less maybe a little pity would be apt.

 

I think that it's possible and even healthy to forgive someone, but to still make the choice to cut them out of your life. You only have to forgive them in your mind, and only when you feel that you're able to and aren't faking it. When someone has treated you badly, cheated on you, abused you or whatever, of course we're going to feel angry and I think that it's necessary to have anger. But it's not good to let it overpower us or to go on for too long...if we do, we're letting that person continue to wrong us by allowing them to have too much control on our lives.

 

My ex husband was quite an ass and he cheated on me. I was angry at him for a long time, but we have two kids so I couldn't just cut him out of my life. Eventually I forgave him, not necessarily for the things he did that contributed to the break up of our marriage, but just for being who he is. He has some deep seated reasons for being the way he is; his father committed suicide when he was an adolescent, alcoholism, depression, etc., but it's beyond my control. I've watched him try to improve himself over the years and we've actually become pretty good friends, but it took a long time. If I had continued to hold onto the anger, it would have been an impossible situation for us to try to raise our children as a team, so I had to make a choice to forgive him and I had to work at it.

 

More recently, I was dumped by someone and it hurt alot. I won't get into all of the details, but basically he's relationship phobic (his wife cheated on him and left him and his son) . His marriage breakup happened 8 years ago, and he's still very bitter and angry towards his ex wife and can't let it go. See what's happened to him? He admits that he can't function in a relationship because of what his ex did to him, so 8 years later, she's still hurting him and has major control over the direction his life takes.

 

I'm still angry at him on some days, but I'm working on forgiving him, because I just don't want to waste time and energy being angry and I know there's a reason he is who he is, and nic, you're right, pity is a part of it. In this case, I have cut him out of my life, simply because there's no reason for me to have him in my life. When I am ready to forgive, I doubt that I'll call or email him...he doesn't need to know, only I have to.

[Litgirl01]

I agree with greenie!! Good post!!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Why forgive someone who doesnt care about your feelings,the last thing on my mind at the moment is forgiving her.

Maybe years down the line, when i couldnt care less maybe a little pity would be apt.

 

Well, since you asked, let me ask you this. How does not forgiving her help you? Does it help you sleep better at night to not forgive you? Do you get less stomach acid from not forgiving her? Does she sleep worse at night because you haven't forgiven her? Does she spend her days angry at you because you haven't forgiven her?

 

Unlike a poster a couple of posts up, I don't believe in "Forgive and forget." I believe in "Forgive and remember." I think I can forgive almost anything, and to then pretend that it never happened is setting myself up to be hurt again. Sort of the old "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

[Litgirl01]

nic - having resentment toward someone only hurts one person...YOU!!! You aren't doing it for the other person..you are doing it for yourself. You don't have to accept or condone their bad behavior...but forgiveness is key to healing.

[Addicus]

does forgiveness have to come with an expectation? Seems like many people are willing to forgive in hope that a person changes...as greenie says it might be more about forgiving them for who they are? Just a thought.

[greensleeves]

does forgiveness have to come with an expectation? Seems like many people are willing to forgive in hope that a person changes...as greenie says it might be more about forgiving them for who they are? Just a thought.

 

 

I don't think it should come with an expectation, because we can never control what another person is going to do.

 

However, if you choose to remain with someone after they've let's say cheated on you, I think that would come with an expectation that they're not going to cheat on you anymore. Although the deciding to stay and the forgiveness go hand in hand, they're still two separate things. Does that make any sense at all?

[CallingAllAngels]

does forgiveness have to come with an expectation? Seems like many people are willing to forgive in hope that a person changes...as greenie says it might be more about forgiving them for who they are? Just a thought.

 

Addicus...

 

Check out this thread...

 

I think it will help to explain it better.

 

Forgiveness is for YOU...it is NOT for the other person. Has NOTHING to do with if they change or not.

 

Allie

 

 

[Star14]

It's hard to forgive someone when you've forgiven them in the past, reconciled, got back together, and they did the exact same thing all over again. I worked HARD to forgive the last time, and I'm not sure if I can forgive him ever again. At least, not for a long time. Right now, I am working on forgiving MYSELF for having been a bit too loving a bit too kind and a bit too steadfast in my complete devotion to him. I think that's more important right now. Forgiving him? I don't know if that will ever happen.

 

I know exactly how this feels. I would like to believe I am better person and will eventually forgive him but as of now I am just concentrating on completely blocking him and any thoughts of him from my life.

[Star14]

N while I do realize that forgiving someone should be about me, the fact that he couldn't care less if I did/ did not makes me want to NOT forgive him.

[audrey]

I think forgiving someone who let you down or hurt you can be really easy if you want to release that heavy backpack, but what can be very hard is to apologize, ask someone to forgive you. I'm ready to forgive & forget to those ones who hurt me, thanks god it's only one person there who did it, the only thing that is missing is him saying he's honestly sorry. I knew when i had to say sorry to someone i let down, and believe me that's the hardest part of this.

[tazthecat]

To me, some people just aren't worth forgiving...