How should I tell her???

[H0PELESS1]

So for any of you who've read my complicated situation. (Please look up the title: "Complicated situation... your views please. " Just a few lines down the list.)

 

 

I've pretty much decided that I can't live a lie. Although I respect and love my wife, I do not, and never have had the same bond and relationship that I've had and currently have with my first love. We're all still relatively young (early 30's), and I think to stay just for the kids, or just for the sake of staying because it's "easier" would be more detrimental in the long run. I don't want to find ourselves in a situation where I'm doing this when we're in our 50's, and I've basically robbed my wife of a greater potential of finding someone who can make her happy.

 

I hope I don't get angry judgment replies to this post. But how do you think I should tell her? She has a slight feeling, that things aren't exactly great between us lately. But we're definitely not fighting, we're definitely happy with the kids. So I doubt she'll have seen this coming. I feel so horrible.

 

Your useful opinions would be so greatly appreciated.

[Caterina]

This is like asking us, "How can I kill her?" You kill her: gun, noose- it doesn't matter how.

[SapphireNoir10]

You just sit her down, and talk to her.

 

Im not being rude, but did you not realise this before you married her and had a family?

[SapphireNoir10]

Oh I see, Just read your other thread. Your breaking up a family for your first love...BUT one thing i admire you for in this situation is that your going to be honest and give your wife a chance to start her life over, and you.

 

Good luck

[Brill]

I did the same thing. Ran away to be with my first, what was the love of my life. It left destruction in it's wake. I pay a huge amount of child support for my son, and after 3 years of trying again my LOML and I split again we both left everything we had to be together and let me tell you you will effect lives far more than you know.

 

I however will, not argue the power of following your heart or living a lie. Remember this though you ended it once with this person and you should do allot of soul searching. Mine was toxic to me so far to the point of that after our last round I still kept writing and telling her I was in love after I met the one, and I mean this woman was the one and she managed to ruin that too. Well I did that- but Eva found the emails I had been sending and lieing about it, even far after I stopped but it was too late. So tread lightly. I am here again because i had finally, finally found the true love of my life and was getting ready for marriage when she found the emails( very damaging) and had a nervous breakdown and left me. So please for yourself and your future think with more than that hot fuzzy feeling you have in your chest right now.My sons mother for instance when she realized I wasnt coming back took my son and moved 2 hours away back home...

Now instead of everyday I see my son every other weekend and To boot like I said this woman ruined even my most recent relationship though by my own hand...\

 

B~

[tangi39]

Make sure this is what you really want.

 

I appreciate what you and you first love went through together. But at the same time- I think you might be living in the past. I would tell you to keep in mind although you may not see it now- Neither of you are the same people you once were- you've both changed and just because you may have been right for each other at one time-

Does not mean you're right for each other now.

 

Make sure you like her for who she is NOW and not just for who she once was.

And don't just let the thrill of seeing her again carry you away to someplace that may not be good for either of you.

 

As for your wife, I feel so sorry for her- but if you're determined to leave her- There's really no "nice" way to break it to her- You just have to be honest and tell her.

[george237]

Sounds like you already are in a relationship with your first. The fact that you were able to do this and come home and act normal with your wife shows that you don't love her anymore. If you do not feel guilty for you infidelity then you have no feelings for her. Get out buy a house near her so you can see your kids and pay out the ass in child support. You are right that you should not rob her of her chance to find somebody that truly loves her and will make her happy.

 

Make sure you leave on the best terms you can.

[H0PELESS1]

I appreciate your responses. But based on some of them, I'm not sure if you read my original post in its entirety.

 

1. We are from Burma, where violence and death used to dominate. I thought she was murdered, she thought I was too. She was imprisoned and tortured. I watched helplessly as my family was slaughtered in front of my own eyes.

 

2. I am not running away to be with just some random woman I just met. We have a shared past. As I stated in my original post, we reconnected 1 year ago. And realizing that a lot could have changed during our time apart, we decided to just talk and get to know one another, wait one year, and see how we felt. As far as the circumstances would allow, we think this was a decent compromise.

 

3. We have not slept together in over 15 years. Although the temptation has been difficult.

 

4. I do feel guilty, and I do love my wife. But I saw no point in mentioning my speaking to my first love over the past year, since I wasn't sure where this was going. I believe now, that because of the experiences we have shared together then and now, I have a bond with my first love that is incomprehensible and cannot be rationally explained.

 

From the posts so far, it seems that I should just come out and tell my wife. What do the rest of you think?

 

Thanks again for your non-judgmental input.

[george237]

Let her know. I would not drag it out any longer. Make sure you are very clear that she has done nothing wrong and it is all about your feelings.

[blondie86]

I'm not nearly old enough, nor do I have any sort of experience when it comes to marriage and kids. I do think that you're doing the right thing by wanting to tell her the truth, and not cheating on her in the meantime. You can't help how you feel, and what you don't. You seem to have a good heart, and that showed when you said you wanted to do this soon so she could have a greater chance at finding happiness elsewhere, as well. I would tell her soon, and I really wish you the best in dealing with this situation. I hope it works out in the end for everyone involved.

[tangi39]

Regardless, I stand by my original post. I still think it's a mistake.

Talking is not the same as having a relationship.

I think leaving your wife is going to hurt both of you more than you believe.

 

But it's your decision.

[whateverlady]

Hopeless:

In thinking about an answer, I wonder what the choices are? It seems like a) stay with wife and don't mention first love b) tell wife about first love and stay with wife? c) tell wife about first love and leave wife for first love d) just leave without saying anything.

 

Definitely don't do d). Does your wife know about your contact with first love? I am not controlling everything my husband does, but I would know if he had been meeting with someone (if it's just email I wouldn't have any idea). How much does she already know? Objectively, my feelings aside, I would want my husband to be happy. I can't guarantee that I wouldn't be hurt or act in anger. However, if we had kids, I would hope that he would act in a way that would be best for our kids. In any case, it would require discussion.

[H0PELESS1]

whateverlady,

my wife does know about my contact with my first love, although she doesn't know the extent of contact i've had. she doesn't know anything at all about my feelings regarding this. since i haven't been sure about my feelings until recently, i felt it was better to continue my normal behavior until i did have my feelings sorted out. i think it would have been more torture to my wife to say anything and let that play out for a year. actually, that would have been cruel.

 

my primary concern is my children, with my wife's feelings a close second. contrary to what some people might think, i still love and respect my wife. i do not want to hurt her, but i know that's impossible. so i would like to at least minimize the amount of hurt, by being as honest and respectful as is possible. i definitely agree this requires discussion. now more than ever.

 

but how do you all think i should begin that conversation?? how do i start that dialogue??