Advice please

[defender]

I need some urgent advice on something.

I'm dating my girlfriend for nearly 5 years. We got engaged just under a year ago. She now tells me that she is no longer attracted to me. She feels nothing physically for me, and she even dreads spending time with me at the moment, cos she doesn't even want to hold hands with me, never mind hug or even kiss me. She told me she doesn't want to break up, that she wants to go back to how we were, when we were in love, and she wants to fancy me again. In other words, she wants to feel the way she did when we were first going out. She says she loves me, but at the moment,she says we're just like two friends instead of a couple. Two friends that argue a lot. I love her, I know we're made for each other, but how can i sort this out? How can I re-become the person she fell in love with?

I'm trying to give her space for a while, but i'm terrified that i'm losing her, and she'll never get that attraction back for me. What can i do?

[DN]

Walk away. Tell her that you are going to go no contact for one month and after that date (set the date) she can contact you and tell you her decision - and you will give her yours. In the meantime she should not contact you nor you her. Make sure that she understands that you are broken up as of now and that if she wants you back after that time it will be a reconciliation after a breakup that she is asking for and if you decide you want that too then both of you will need to find out how to make this new relationship work.

[enchiladaman]

I agree completely with DN. My only fear is that she will come back strong to you after a month and the lust and attraction will be back...only to have it dissapate again. Trust me, you don't want to get married to a woman who is questioning her attraction to you. You'll end up in a sexless marriage and will be miserable.

[KAT MOMMY]

She is playing games with you bro-5 years is a long time and there is no such thing as not "feeling physically attrative" to your mate-it doesn't work that way. Worse case scenerio is that you have gained 50 lbs or you are balding---is that the case? If so then go bald or either hit the gym. If that is not the case then I am sorry to say that she was not the least bit attracted to you in the start and maybe she was lonely depressed and confused which is why she was in the relationship for as long as she was. You don't go from being totally in love with a person to not feeling attracted to them-better yet you don't accept a man's proposal if you know you are not into that person. She is not at all serious about it and you should walk away before she really hurts you. I am so sorry you have been exposed to such a cruel and disrespectful woman and I wish you the best of luck.

 

Don't be her doormat and don't allow your emotions to outweigh your better judgement. Sorry to say that love doesn't love anyone and there is no way to rekindle the flame of the intial attraction. I feel as if time makes the bond stronger and the attraction deeper--do you agree>? The only other reason would be that she somehow fell out of love with you---and that happens as a effect from a cause-do you think that it had something to do with you???

[ghost69]

how old are you guys? i would not be with a girl anymore if they told me that. once attraction is gone your chances of it coming back are 99% or more that it won't.

[russ978]

I agree with Ghost. If I had a woman I'd dated for a while say she was no longer really attracted to me and that we were more friends than we were a couple...I'd feel insulted and wonder who else she had told this to before me.

 

I don't think this is a question of you 'becoming' anyone, it is a question of her no longer appreciating who you are.

 

I'd hope that things sorted themselves out in a couple of weeks but honestly...while you should have more leeway with your actions after you've been together for 5 years instead of 5 days, there are certain things that you still want in a relationship.

 

They say that love is friendship set on fire...and your woman has said that the fire is no longer burning.

 

The suggestion for one month NC is a good one...maybe she'll realize how much she really does need and want you or maybe you'll discover that there are other people out there that are attracted to you and want your happiness.

 

Either way...I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

[ghost69]

i actually went through this with an ex. we broke up and got back together and broke up again. all my doing. in my head i was not attracted to her physically. i realized i wasn't. FINALLY. i didn't have the nerve to actually tell her that was why. you know how girls are about self-esteem. so i spared her feelings. i told her i didn't love her anymore. which was a lie. i still have love for that girl. i'm just not in love with her anymore.

 

but once someone isn't attracted to you anymore, physical or mental even, it's basically over.

[defender]

Thanks for that. I know for a fact that a big part of the problem is that she resents the way she lives her life. What i mean is that she has spent the last few years living her life based around my schedule; sports and other interests take up a lot of my time, and it really affects our social life. I told her, she needs to rediscover her own life, pursue her own interests, meet up with friends etc. How can she be happy with me, if she's not happy on her own.

We spent the last 6 months planning out the design of our house, which is nearly ready for building, so i know she's committed to me.

What ye all seem to be saying is that once attraction is gone, that's it, it'll never come back, no matter what i do?

Is no contact for a while my only hope of sorting this out?

[DN]

Only she has the answer to that and she needs time apart to consider what she wants. If she realises that she is in real danger of losing you she may discover that she is attracted to you after all. But she might find she prefers being on her own - and so might you.

 

Whatever the result it is far better to discover it now than after some sort of connection is made, such as marriage or owning a house together, that will be much more difficult to disentangle.

 

Put the ball in her court - this is really her issue and she needs to deal with it.

[boo121]

Spend less time with her. Go on and take up a hobby, or spend more time on something you're interested in. Give her a chance to miss you again.

[ghost69]

let her figure herself out. i'm not even saying no contact will straighten this out. and because she helped you plan out the design of a house, that does not mean she is fully committed and attracted to you.

[defender]

I know that. We've only met up once since Monday, and she seems to be in better form already. Maybe that's because she didn't have to see me!!! I suggested to her about NC for a couple of weeks or a month etc., but she said that she's happy with what we've tried so far and doesn't want to try that. She said she likes us not being on top of each other, texting, meeting, ringing etc. I have not rang her once this week, and we only talk when she rings me, roughly once or twice a day. I don't know, my head is a mess!!

[ghost69]

I know that. We've only met up once since Monday, and she seems to be in better form already. Maybe that's because she didn't have to see me!!! I suggested to her about NC for a couple of weeks or a month etc., but she said that she's happy with what we've tried so far and doesn't want to try that. She said she likes us not being on top of each other, texting, meeting, ringing etc. I have not rang her once this week, and we only talk when she rings me, roughly once or twice a day. I don't know, my head is a mess!!

 

well, now you need to ask yourself if you can put up with the current situation. like is it enough?

[drewciouS281]

i dont know man. like ghost says you need to ask yourself if you can keep doing this. she may start to get used to this pattern and then there is no way you guys can get married. she is liking the distance now you may aswell forget about marrying this gal anytime soon. THis sounds like too much work and although you love her to pieces there will be someone out there for you that will never lose the spark or attraction for you unless you are making it that way. it does fall into some things you do yourself. many couple get comfortable and start to forget about the fun in having a relationship. thats why things go south.

[enchiladaman]

I wouldn't let her set the pace with this. She is being selfish here and is getting her freedom, yet keeping you around. She wants her freedom? I say let her have it. You need to be a little selfish too and protect your emotions and to do this you need to be a man and tell her that you don't want any contact with her. Don't even give her a time and stick to it.

 

Ignore her calls, ignore her attempts and tell her you are sick of her wasting your time with this psuedo relationship and are moving on.