well he doesn't care

[abnyc]

2 years together, 7 months broken up. he dumped me because he didn't know if he wanted to get married to me anymore, (BS). 5 months NC, then LC the past 2. we've met up twice, he didn't bring us up, made me angry, but played it cool. IM'ing about 3 times a week.

 

Friday i had enough. called him, left a message saying that clearly its obvious that he didn't want to talk about us; or clear the waters and be on the same page about what our communication meant or was. asked that he'd call or write me back and at least talk or agree to meet and talk about everything, get on the same page like adults. that was friday afternoon. its sunday night. i made it clear that if he didn't respond that i was gone and done.

 

nothing. not even a message that said , i got your message but don't want to talk about it now.

 

nothing. someone i loved for 2 years, that promised me he'd be my family and with me forever, nothing.

 

i want to punch a wall. why would he not respond? why agree to meet and contact me on IM for 2 months? we had been in no contact forever, why reach out and hang if you didn't want to talk about us?

I am furious to say the least. i feel really low. i feel like i failed. i feel like I'll never be with someone, that I'll always be that friend that is happy for her other friends. to boot, my roommates ex just showed up tonight at home and begged for her back. i feel like crap. why don't i deserve at least a converstaion? why was it so easy to toss me out and aside? (he's not with anyone else).

 

i just want to know why I wasn't special enough.

[gee]

Hi ab, I'm sorry you have to go through this, nobody should!!! Me..4yrs together and broken up for 3.5months. I am trying NC at the moment since Feb.16th. She has sent me a facebook message and I ignored it. She called me in march and I didnt answer. It was difficult for me to not answer. I wanted to so bad but I knew it would hurt me more if i answered. She thinks we are enemies because I dont respond! I broke NC last thursday sent her a text saying, i was thinking about you. I dont have enemies and I never will. i hope you are doing well. take care. she never replied back. I know how you feel about him not writing to you and it sucks I know. You are always wondering when he will, right? I guess he will when he feels like it! Also, when you said that he promised you family and be with you forever..it made be cry a bit because she said the same to me and like you said, nothing! The best thing I can say like everyone here says, is stay NC and be patient. The text i sent her will be my last unless she initiates communication again. Let it go for now and do what you need to do! I have and am having a hard time doing it but I am starting to get better. It's his loss always remember that! Have faith! Take care fo yourself and keep your head up! Good luck!

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

Since you got back in touch after 5 months of no contact- did he give you any indication he wanted to work things out?

 

Did he say anything about trying again?

 

I wonder if you are assuming too much from him, and are disappointed he is not meeting your expectations.

[wtm78]

abnyc,

 

the truth hurts honey...

 

i just want to know why I wasn't special enough. - you were special that was why you were together for two years.

 

people break up for a lot of reasons, but the reasons do not matter. the reasons came after the decision.

 

i am going through the same thing. my ex just wont want to give me a decent conversation.

 

what is decided cannot be undecided.

[Hope75]

abnyc,

 

the truth hurts honey...

 

i just want to know why I wasn't special enough.

 

you were special that was why you were together for two years.

 

people break up for a lot of reasons, but the reasons do not matter. the reasons came after the decision.

 

i am going through the same thing. my ex just wont want to give me a decent conversation.

 

what is decided cannot be undecided.

 

Just because he doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean you aren't special- you know that.

 

One person's opinion of you does not define who you are.

[abnyc]

i think what hurts the most is that he wouldn't even talk about anything. do i know if he ever thought about getting back together? no, because he won't even have an adult converstaion. he doesn't even have the guts to say "hey, it was great, but i am at a different point" SOMETHING.

 

its very painful. and i get to hear my roommate and her bf having this heart to heart in the next room, and they both cheated on each other!?! it just feels so unfair. i just want to go to sleep.

 

i am so angry that he won't even be stand up enough to just tell me how he feels. be a man and say, hey i thought the friend thing could work out, but i dont' want a relationship. SAY SOMETHING.

[lilove]

To offer the perspective of someone who was the breaker-upper, I don't think it has anything to do with you not being special enough! And I don't think him not writing back is necessarily a sign that he doesn't care, or that your relationship didn't mean anything to him.

 

I've been in NC with my ex for nearly 6 months now (he broke NC a couple months ago, we went for coffee, then reinstituted NC again). And the truth is that it's a *relief* not to be in contact with him for the simple reason that having him in my life hurts too much. We were together for 6 years and even though it was my choice, the breakup was really hard for me too (as I'm sure it was for your ex).

 

All the things I loved about my boyfriend--all the reasons I fell in love with him and stayed with him for so long--still exist. They haven't changed. But I also know with certainty that we're not right for each other in the long run. It's not about him not being good enough or not being "special" enough, it's about the way we interacted with each other, the way we connected with each other. It felt like something was missing. The truth is that I'm so jealous of the girl that he's going to be perfect for...because he's amazing...but I also know that that girl isn't me.

 

So....I guess what I'm trying to say is that being in contact with him is hard. It makes me feel guilty and sad and confused. And it makes me empathize with him....which makes me a million times sadder. Because I love him (even if I'm not "in love" with him anymore) and I want nothing more than to do whatever it takes to make him happy...but the one thing that he thinks would make him happiest is the one thing I can't give him.

 

I guess my point is that you don't know what's going on in his head. The fact that he resumed contact is a sign that he misses you and cares for you. It's probably not a sign that he wanted to get back together though (if it was, he wouldn't have ignored your message). Maybe your message made him realize that contacting you was a selfish thing to do and that it wasn't helping you move on.

 

I don't know your boyfriend or your situation, so this could be way off. But just thought I'd give my perspective on things.

 

Edited to Add: The fact that you specifically requested a conversation where you could talk about everything & he ignored that is, I agree, pretty insensitive. But I think it's likely that it scared the crap out of him. Not that that's an excuse...

[Hope75]

i think what hurts the most is that he wouldn't even talk about anything. do i know if he ever thought about getting back together? no, because he won't even have an adult converstaion. he doesn't even have the guts to say "hey, it was great, but i am at a different point" SOMETHING.

 

its very painful. and i get to hear my roommate and her bf having this heart to heart in the next room, and they both cheated on each other!?! it just feels so unfair. i just want to go to sleep.

 

i am so angry that he won't even be stand up enough to just tell me how he feels. be a man and say, hey i thought the friend thing could work out, but i dont' want a relationship. SAY SOMETHING.

 

I tend to pay more attention to a person's actions when I am looking for their true intention. If he wasn't willing to even broach the subject of a relationship with you, that's probably a pretty good indication that he isn't interested in a relationship with you.

 

This is why I usually don't recommend trying to be friends with someone you still obviously have feelings for because you aren't really satisfied with what they are willing to give, and when you do bring up what you want from them and don't get the answers or responses you are looking for, you end up more hurt than before.

[Daria_Lane]

How ofted does he check his messages?

[abnyc]

its his voicemail. he got it on friday. its his cell.

you are all right. its a huge clear I DONT CARE.

 

and i'm sorry. he stayed away for 5 months. we were supposed to get married. why reconnect and hang out if you don't want to talk about it? whatever. its another rejection. i hope he gets what he deserves one day.

[dreamwarrior]

Breaking up has all sorts of emotions, especially if there isn't any resolve. My ex is 44 years old and you'd think he was 13. He is very co-dependent on his mother (that is the other woman) and man I think that is worse, because you cannot get rid of her. She made my ex a near invalid and very weak as a person mentally. She wanted him to be totally dependent on her, but the thing is she don't even help him and always told him he cannot do this or that, and she is in charge of all his finances, and dictates is entire life. But of course every time they fought for one reason or another he would come using me as his personal emotional punching bag. Also every time something went sour he would constantly be griping instead of trying ways to overcome lifes obstacles.

 

After 4 years I was just fed up with it...and I resented him for not working and me taking care of him financially while his mother who is extremely wealthy would never even do anything for him but tell him bad things about me and she never even spent any time with us in the 3 years and before that we were good friends.

 

This is a very complicated situation...just like his bipolar disorder first he loves me more than life itself then he hates me more than anyone he ever knew, then turns around and give me a gift before he goes out again and disappears for days doing drugs only to come back to stir up the household again.

 

I just wish he would go away and never come back...I need some peace....I don't contact him and he don't contact me, but every other day he will come back and my roommate (a guy) whom he has known for 25 years tries to keep the peace, let him rest, shower, eat..blah blah

 

He loves to tell sob stories and make me look like I am the bad guy. We used to love each other and were best friends long before we were lovers, we did everything together and had alot of adventures and fun. Why is it so freaking hard just to try and have a peaceful parting and divide the belongings say good luck and good bye have a nice life...no he won't even try a peaceful ending and we need to discuss something regarding our vehicle that we both own, but he won't face me about it and of course his mother always has to have her big nose in everything.

 

I really want to move away, but need to settle some financial things but if I cannot discuss them, then how are we going to move on?

 

I have many plans and this is putting everything on hold...I don't like people keeping me hanging or procrastinating...let's just finish it and bye bye.

[wtm78]

abnyc,

 

i know it hurts..

 

i think you need to give yourself some breathing space...

[Hope75]

its his voicemail. he got it on friday. its his cell.

you are all right. its a huge clear I DONT CARE.

 

and i'm sorry. he stayed away for 5 months. we were supposed to get married. why reconnect and hang out if you don't want to talk about it? whatever. its another rejection. i hope he gets what he deserves one day.

 

Maybe he just wanted to be your friend, but then quickly realized that wasn't OK with you?

 

What is it that he deserves?

 

At least he ended things before you got married, if he wasn't happy.

 

Would you have preferred he stay and marry you, if his heart wasn't in it?

 

I know you are hurting, and I feel for you. But I wonder if your anger is misplaced and just a phase of your grieving process.

[abnyc]

Maybe he just wanted to be your friend, but then quickly realized that wasn't OK with you?

 

What is it that he deserves?

 

At least he ended things before you got married, if he wasn't happy.

 

Would you have preferred he stay and marry you, if his heart wasn't in it?

 

I know you are hurting, and I feel for you. But I wonder if your anger is misplaced and just a phase of your grieving process.

 

i don't wish anything bad on him or anyone. and i understand that its for the best. and i dont' want to be his friend. I wanted the opportunity to TALK about it as 2 adults. we met up twice, had a great time, i didn't bring us up because i didn't want to ruin the happy vibe.

 

it just irks me because he stayed in contact with his ex before me while we were togehter, even though she was still in love with him, and i let it go becasue i trusted our realtionship. and i guess i feel like he's not even owing me the respect of having ONE talk (a post mortem if you like) about it. Thats all i want. CLOSURE. and he won't give it to me.

[Hope75]

i don't wish anything bad on him or anyone. and i understand that its for the best. and i dont' want to be his friend. I wanted the opportunity to TALK about it as 2 adults. we met up twice, had a great time, i didn't bring us up because i didn't want to ruin the happy vibe.

 

it just irks me because he stayed in contact with his ex before me while we were togehter, even though she was still in love with him, and i let it go becasue i trusted our realtionship. and i guess i feel like he's not even owing me the respect of having ONE talk (a post mortem if you like) about it. Thats all i want. CLOSURE. and he won't give it to me.

 

Some people aren't comfortable beating a dead horse.

 

For him, the relationship was over 7 months ago. He made his peace with it. For you, seeing him made it fresh and painful again.

 

There's nothing wrong with knowing you cannot be friends when you still have feelings for him. Most people can't pull this off.

 

I wouldn't blame him though, for not wanting to go over your break up again.

 

He isn't going to give you closure- you have to find closure within yourself by accepting it's over and making peace with it.

 

That's a big mistake a lot of people make- expecting answers and closure from someone else- when really the one who must give that to you is you.