How to break the heart of someone who loves you

[troubled]

I don't know how many of you had read my original post but by the tim eI stoped looking it was over 300 so I thought I should give you all an update. I did it. I broke up with hr. And for all of you new to this story...I had beed going out with this girl for closing in on 4 years and had wnted to break up with her for over a year. However I found it soooo hard to actually break someones heart like that that I decied it would be easier to bite the bullet and spend my life with her, forgoing my happiness in order to give her hers. I hoped I could break up with her but could not. I just wnt to write to telel everyone...especially those who helped my situation that I did in fact break up with her. It is not all cleaned up yet but at least the wheels are in motion

[Hero_99]

How could you live with yourself after leading someone on for that long? You just wasted a hugh portion of both of your lives for no reason whatsoever except to be with someone you knew was wrong for you to begin with.

 

That's selfish, just purely selfish. Hopefully someone will not do that to you someday 'cause you will regret ever meeting that person.

[Senna]

Give the guy a break. l've been in both situations and it's hard just because your not in love with someone doesn't mean you don't care about them breaking up with someone is just as hard as being on the other end.

[Mar]

Senna's absolutely right-if you haven't been in the position of knowing you're going to hurt someone, it's easy to be judgemental in another person's case and say "how could you." He didn't break up with her sooner because he CARED about her. Don't skip over that fact.

 

The point being, you broke up with her finally, and I'm glad you had the courage to do so, instead of leading her on or causing either of you more misery and unhappiness! Yes, it is HARD, believe me, we all know that. But in the end, if the relationship was that bad, it's for the best. You can finally breathe that sigh of relief in knowing that both of you are free to find someone more suited to your tastes, or to just be alone for awhile and sort out your head and your heart. Kudos to you, and I'm sorry you had to go through this.

 

 

Mar

[The Morrigan]

It can also be difficult to accept when your feelings change for someone, that you can't make them change BACK to what you want them to be. And it's very hard to have to tell someone you still care very much for that you no longer feel the same way about them they do about you.

 

I'm glad you found the strength to do so - yes, it's painful right now, but better that than not letting her find someone who reciprocates her feelings in full and trapping her as well as yourself.

[phantpwr]

My Ex was in the same position.. I still want him back but I want to know.. How does someone lose the feelings they once had for someone.. How does that happen. I was so sweet and caring.. anyone would dream to have me as a mate.. I't makes no sense.. he feelings had changed.. could you please explain to me those of you that have had theirs change why they did? Thanks

[troubled]

I just wanted to post my initial post again in this topic in case anyone wanted to referance.

 

 

===original post===

I stumbled accross this site looking for help. I am in a situation that breaks my own heart and makes me sick every time I think about it. I am in my early twenties and am three and a half years into a relationship with a beautiful young lady of the same age. We have spent the majority of our relationship (95%) in a distance setting only seeing each other every second weekend or so. We have even experienced months apart, but have lived together for a couple months and experienced a lot together. We talk on the phone every night. I have always enjoyed her company and have always been faithful to her and her to me. Our families love each other though do not get to see each other often. I believe that I was very in love with her but over the last year of our relationship I have realized I am not. I want to get out of the relationship.

 

How do I end this? She is very in love with me. We had talked about our future together when things were good, but once you start talking about those topics, it is hard to stop when you see your feelings declining. How would you have all of a sudden stopped talking about it if you were not sure you were losing the feelings? Telling your significant other to hold the phone of the "Future plans" would most certainly start a potential break up talk and at that point you don't know if that is what you want. And by the time you realize that future is not what you want…it's too late. Though I have been ready to get out of the relationship for about a year now I have never let on because I can not stomach the idea of hurting someone so badly, and in my cowardice to hurt someone that badly I chose to either wait for something to happen such as her feelings wearing off, or for me to bite the bullet and live a lie for life. I am in a state now where though I am trying to gain the courage to break up with her, I can just as easily see myself proposing to her within 2 years and living a life with her. I think sometimes that I could live more easily with forgoing my own happiness in finding my true love by providing her with hers, than I would be able to live with the guilt of causing someone so much pain. She is a kind soul and a loveless life with her would still be better than the life of most so maybe I shouldn't complain.

 

The problem is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is beautiful, smart and funny, but I am just not in love with her. We do not fight often and so for me to break up with her now would be so out of the blue I think it would blindside her so badly that she would not know what hit her. I don't know how she would possibility deal with it. I recently finished school and moved away to a location where we will not see each other for a couple months, but she has bought a ticket to come see me after the holidays. I did not fight this idea, and acted as I always do with joyful acceptance. I was willing to wait it out as I had planned but had recently realized the harm I am doing myself. Though I want to do this to spare her the hurt, I am making myself crazy. I have meet with a woman in my new location I went to high school with at home and though we had always been friends who seen each other 6-10 times a year I have never felt the feelings I have for her now. Though I have been attracted to other woman in the past year since I have realized I do not love my significant other, I submitted to no action, as a monk who took a vow of celibacy. I have no interest in cheating and have chalked it up to "this is the life I have to lead". But this time it is different. While I will still never cheat, I am enjoying things that I have forgotten how good they could be. I went out to a bar with the girl from high school and a few of our mutual friends as a group and I found myself enjoying the smell of her perfume and her beautiful laugh, and though I longed to be with her the only fantasy my sexually aggressive male mind wanted to imagine was holding her in a spoon position and feeling her next to me. I feel like I am falling for her. I do not know how she feels about me but do know from sources of mutual friends that the chances are better than not, and even if not it may be the driving force I need to build my courage to do what I have to do.

 

She will be moving soon and I had hoped that when she did she may find someone else. But if that has not happened yet I fear it never will. I do not feel that I can use distance as a reason for breaking up as it has been present in our relationship from the start and I fear she would move here in a heartbeat if necessary. I know that this is going to be hard in any way it happens and I pray to God every day for her feelings to subside for me. But it is the sudden impact of it all that makes me worry for her. I do not know whether I should just do it like a blind sided sucker punch or start by trying to distance myself in our phone calls. I know that this sounds insensitive but I feel that if she starts expecting that something is amiss that it will not be such a shock to her system when it happens. But how long is long enough to go from a seemingly "perfect" relationship to a total break-up? I need serious help. I have been sick over the subject as I have been broken up with too and know the aloneness it can leave you with. I want nothing more than for her to be happy but I can no longer provide that at the expense of my own well being.

 

Please give me your advice. All advice will be appreciated.

 

Troubled

[icequeen]

oh my god!! this sounds exactly like my relationship.. and the weird thing is that my "ex" is now in canada.. hmmmmm i find that a little too coincindental..but the thing is you have to ask yourself if there were some of her needs that werent getting met as well.. guys always think that it's all about them and it really isn't....

 

my bf got involved with some new chick right after we broke up.. and i dont even know who broke up with who.. because i called him to break it off and it was done but it seems like it was a decision he had come to by himself over the past week..

 

of course i want to go ballistic and make sure he and the woman have messed up lives but i really do love him and the idea of hurting him is beyond me..hurting her now is another story but i just don't see the point.. thru my madness i know she isnt really responsible... i really want to do somethin really really horrible to both of them because i am so angry but the sane part of me is in control....

 

the thing is neither me or my ex thinks that our relationship is over for good so i dont know.. i dont like being in limbo so i am basically going emotionally numb from december to march so i can forget all about christmas and valentine's day... right now i am of two minds..

 

i dont know if i just want to say.. to hell with all men and just get rich and be single.. or just go out and catch up on the sexual adventures i passed up because i was a "good girl" and faithful... of course i am responsible enough to know that lifestyle isnt to my best interest.. but i really am not going to get with anybody else as i feel i would be doing them a disservice as my heart woudlnt be in it .... maybe i will just let money talk next time and not love.. cos as tina turner said "what's love got to do with it.. who needs a heart when a heart can be broken"... no more.. if you got to get stressed you might as well get paid for your troubles right.. a diamond bracelet on my wrist will cool the heartache i may suffer..lol. jus kidding.. i don't want anybody but him and if i dont get him then too bad.. i'm cool.. focus on me and me alone.. but the thing is he is also wavering but that's not my concern is it...

 

all i got to say is this troubled... be careful of what you do because it comes back to you ten times worse.. so treat her the way you would want to be treated....a woman who loves you will go to the bottom of the ocean for you.. even if she cannot swim... a woman who you have hurt will put you at the bottom of that ocean and make sure you stay there!!! so be careful...