Do you talk to your SO when you are down?

[longhaircats]

I'm having a lot of stress lately, but I feel like I cannot talk to my boyfriend when I'm in a bad mood. The reason is because he used to have a living in girlfriend of 3 years and they broke up because she was always unhappy and he felt extremely difficult to please her. He is also a kind of guy who feels responsible for my happiness. I'm mostly a happy person, but I do have those moments that I'm really depressed.

 

For example, he is on a tropical island at the moment for 3 weeks for work, and having a lot of fun, while I'm stuck in rainy UK, working on 2 jobs and my PhD. My supervisor left university and not giving me much advice. I'm also having a health issue and he feels sorry for not being able to be here with me. I do want him to have a great time over there, but at the same time I'm having hard time coping with my unhappy feelings. He keeps apologising for having fun without me and it gets me because I feel like I'm a small person who is jealous about him having a good time.

 

We are planning to go on a vacation when he comes back here, and I spent so much time and effort to make plans, but he says he's very busy with work and internet connection is very bad over there. So today when I needed to talk to him before making a reservation, he picked up the phone and said "I'm sorry sweetheart I cannot talk to you right now because we are going to cinema." I tried to be calm but I was really upset. When he called me later, I said to him that I understand you are busy but I'm busy too and I’ve done enough share. I don't care if we don't go on a trip anymore.

 

I know I've been stressed out and I might have taken out on him. I'm just wondering if I should just hang out with my girlfriends more often and talking to my boyfriend only when I'm in a good mood. I do talk to him about what I’m going through, but I don’t want to come accross being too negative. Do you talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend about the issues you are having or do you keep the issues to yourself?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I let my bf get me out of my bad mood. We'll just snuggle a little till I feel better and he says things that shows that he supports me and such. I quickly get into a good mood.

 

Don't hide your feelings. That'll end up worse. Complaining all the time is probably what his ex did. Being a happy person with a bad day every once in a while is human.

[caro33]

I think you should definitely be able to talk to him.

 

The reason is because he used to have a living in girlfriend of 3 years and they broke up because she was always unhappy and he felt extremely difficult to please her. He is also a kind of guy who feels responsible for my happiness.

 

I hope you are not saying this because he's actively helped you feel this way. If he has, then it sounds like he's only with you for the good times, and he's not a keeper. If, on the other hand, this is just you picking up on stuff he said about the ex and trying to be the perfect girlfriend, then STOP IT The chances are that the ex and her issues were far more complex than you know, his feelings also were perhaps more complex and her unhappiness is just what he has used to explain the end of the relationship to himself. Your feelings and her feelings cannot, and should not, be compared.

 

If he's worth it, if he's a good bloke you would like to see a future with, then he needs to accept you as you are. He needs to know who you are, warts and all. I don't mean just let yourself go and act on your smallest impulses - I do think we all have an obligation to still do the best for ourselves and others, so if you want to vent too much to him then curb it. But don't change who you are, it will become exhausting. Give him the chance to be the guy he needs to be for you, which includes dealing with you when you're feeling a bit down. If he can't do this at all then ask yourself if you are with the right person.

 

Having said that, it does sound from the above that you might have bitten back a bit hard on the cinema thing. How was he to know how you felt, and how was he really going to help at that stage when he had other plans? Perhaps next time it's worth stepping back a bit and saying "okay, but I really need to catch up with you, when can we next speak?".

 

What you are going through sounds kind of hard. It's totally understandable that you are feeling alone and under pressure while he has a lovely time without you. But this will pass: he will be home, the weather will change, and you will even finish that PhD. Hang in there for now, and be kind to yourself, and him.

[JadedStar]

I think a gauge of a good relationship is if you feel comfy talking to an SO about anything.......however.......

 

If a person is constantly talking about negative things or expressing a down mood a lot then they should probably self examine and ask themselves "would i want to hang out with a person like me who is always negative"?

 

If it is on occasion and within reason of course you should be able to lean on an SO. that should be a gimmie. But if you find you have a negative view of life and are a downer a lot then you have to know that anyone would get tired of that eventually.

 

I dont know if you are like this a lot or on occasion so make your own judgment calls.

[anggrace]

I definatly think it's important to express how you are feeling. It might be true that he is being a little neglegent while away, but it's also possible that he doesn't even realize it. It's only fair to give him the chance to do something about it rather than bottling up inside and putting strain on yourself which in the end, will hurt both of you. If he has hang-ups about you expressing how you feel because of his ex, or for whatever reasons, that is his problem and not one that you should put up with. On the other hand, I think it's just as important to not take it personally that he is away for work and may be enjoying himself. You have a vacation planned when he gets back, right? Sounds like with all you are dealing with in school, a vacation could be a great thing. Many people don't get the opportunity to do stuff like that when they are in school. (just trying to look at the upside here). Consider this to, it may be a good thing that he is away while you are so busy with school. It gives you more time to focus on yourself and what you need to do for YOU. Don't forget to have a little fun yourself!

[longhaircats]

Thanks very much for your quick reply.

 

Caros, it is mainly because I'm trying to be a perfect girlfriend. I really think he is a keeper, but I'm far from perfect Also he mentioned several times about his ex being negative all the time, and my ex was the same. So I'm really afraid that I might be becoming the person I don't want to be.

 

debaser_wolf, my boyfriend also says that he wants to be supportive and want me to be able to say things. However, when I do, he tried to "fix" the problems in stead of just listening and we frustrate each other sometimes.

 

JadedStar, that's exactly what I was afraid of. I don't have negative views in life, but I did rant a lot about everything is so expensive in London compared to the US. I stopped now though.

 

anggrace, you are right. I need to focus on positive sides. I took a surgery about 10 days ago, and I cannot exercise right now, but cannot wait to take dance lessons and go swimming when I get better. I used to love collage basketball but I cannot watch the games here I guess I just need to find more fun things to do alone here.