Where to Go From Here...?

[XCRunner1]

My girlfriend and I had been together for almost 3 years since last Friday. We have been in a long distance relationship for the past 6 months or so...I've tried to keep it as if she never went away by keeping communication, which I thought was key. (She's in college btw). Anyway, here's a case in point....

 

It was last Friday night and she said she was going out with one of her girl friends. Which was fine, other than that we hadn't talked all day except for the 10 minutes she explained she would be going out that night. She tells me she will give me a call when she gets back- and I say please do that. She was traveling off campus late a night to a local town. Anyway, never got a call until 3 in the morning, when she explained to me that she fell asleep once she got back at 12:30 and was so tired, she forgot to call. Personally, I think she got back at 3, and didn't want to tell me because we hadn't talked all day. In essense, how can she not talk all day and then go out with her friends for 6+ hours.

 

In any case, I was pretty upset. She has had a long history of doing things like this ^, and they always get me upset. Needless to say, she was in a car with someone else driving...the town is close to her college and people drink at night. I just wanted to know that she got home ok. I was worried, I cared.

 

Anyway, by the next day she said I was way too controlling and smothering her...when all I wanted was a simple phone call. She ended it after 3 years, put "single" on her facebook, deleted all the photos of us together, and took me off as her friend as well- so I couldn't see her facebook profile at all. Then when I tried calling, she wouldn't pick up the phone.

 

When I finally got in touch with her- it was more like- the relationship is done for now?, but "don't close the door"- "she loves me still and misses me"- "nights are tough" "I need to find myself outside of this relationship"...etc...

 

 

 

Finally, I wrote this today to her- "Time has got away from me with you. I know you are living in the moment- and that is expected for a college girl so young. I guess I have been fueled by my feelings and love for you. And those two things only got stronger when you went away. I will not bore you with any of my other thoughts going through my head or try to defend any of my actions...I just wanted to let you know that I do love you...I am heart-broken and feel a resentment around the failure to try to work through it or at least give me an opportunity to brace for impact before getting broadsided. After all I have done for you and after all I have invested in the future of this relationship, I think I deserved at least that much.

 

If there ever is a day when you feel you can be whole-heartedly devoted to me, then maybe we can talk. But until then, I can't talk casually to someone who was my first with everything and who's memories I cherish so deeply.

 

Take care of yourself and stay safe."

 

 

 

She wrote back-

 

"You know that I will always love you, no matter what. Dont close any doors because you never know whats to come in life. Just dont shut me out of your life completely. I think we both deserve better than that..."

 

 

 

What do I do with this? NC or...? I really love this girl, but I'm not sure if we were ment for a LDR.

[EddieAdams]

Wow!

 

Give it a little while. That is heart breaking. Her being young doesn't help you at all.

 

Just leave her alone...and when she calls you or texts you, for God sake...you can respond to her. She may be rushing her thoughts because of her "friends" saying, "You don't need that" ....misery loves company.

 

School will be over in a month and a half any way...don't call her or text her for like a week...see if she contacts you. respond to her and be the same guy she feel in-love with. Be fun..but not "overly fun" ...be supportive and nice. See what happens bro.

 

Go no contact from your end for about a week at first...if it feels like you're going to contact her.. come to this website, it'll help.

[XCRunner1]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Should I start my week of no contact now- after she sent me that small message- or should I say something back to that?

 

I have a feeling that one of her "friends" (forced friends as I call them) is telling her something like that.

 

I have been very devoted to her from the start of last fall. And I make sure that she knows that I am devoted by being respectful on things like facebook, etc... Things like I wouldn't put my arm around another girl in a picture and put it on facebook...which she did with two other guys. Afterwards, she explained that one was just her German tutor and the other she didn't even know. But my point is this- LDR are based I think on absolute trust, respect, and communication. Things like that- upset me at least.

 

Another example would be- talking to me for 20-25 minutes, then saying she was going to study...then later I find that she was talking on facebook to another guy for 3 hours (with a few minutes in b/w each message)-while "studying". Regardless of what it was about, I don't think that's appropriate. She didn't think it was a big deal.

 

I think it's a matter of the shoe being on the other foot.

[EddieAdams]

Hey XC,

 

I think it's fine if you respond to her. Always respond to her. But, don't contact her first...AT ALL! Not for a while.

 

The first thing....DELETE YOUR FACE BOOK! ...you don't need it...you don't want it...give the face book thing a rest for A LONG TIME!

 

Don't ask friends that know you both anything about her...AT ALL! AT ALL!

 

For your own feelings and sanity. Because people always seem to leave out the positives. Say you ask one of your friends, "So...what have you heard about my ex?" They say to you, "I saw her at the club/bar/party and she was with some friends. She was drinking and having a good time. I asked her if she had talked to you and she was like, nope. Yeah dude. She was wasted." See, the problem is...your friend forgot to tell you that she was asking everyone about you...that she said to them that she still loves you, but she needed a break...they forget to tell you that she looked kinda sad that you weren't there.

 

And...when was the last time you had a really long talk with a girl and she wasn't a love interest? You may have had multiple conversations with girls since your break up...just to talk and gather advice. Think about it. Don't over analyze that...it's hard. But, that's exactly why you need to stay off of face book!!!! And, don't ask her if she spoke with a dude, you may not want to know...because I'm sure you haven't told her that you've spoken with 2 or 3 girls on the phone for an hour or more since the break up...just to talk.

 

Don't ask...don't tell. Now since you guys are broken up...just think that she wouldn't want a boyfriend who isn't you that fast any way. Trust that she wouldn't...until you guys have spoken about if you guys are exclusive to one another or if you guys "are seeing other people" routine. If she says, "I don't want to date anyone", you have to trust her. If you don't...you'll push her away by questioning her and all that. If she says, "Let's see other people" ...be her friend, if you can...but move on from the romantic feelings.

 

Do all these things and it should help bro!!!! It's all worked for me.

[ava321]

I agree with the others.. it sounds like she may be going through a period of change, going out and the like, and if I were you I think I would back off and give her some space. And give yourself a chance to digest some of what has happened.. One thing I regret is responding too quickly during the first week or so of my break up via email and the like.

But I like your initial email to her- you expressed your deep love for her, but also set boundaries in terms of casual contact given her feelings, at least for now. I have been going thru something similar and it is getting better, meanign the nc approach has helped me heal, even though my ex also has been wanting casual contact lately.

 

Maybe you could respond to her latest email with something saying that you need a little time to think about all that has happened and you will get back to her in a few days vie email to talk about whether you are able to continue as friends? Just an idea... Take care!

[XCRunner1]

Thank you to you both.

 

The update is that she we chatted last night on the phone- briefly. Basically she is saying things like- she feels relieved and much more chill with her life right now cause she felt like I was always "looking for something". She also is saying that "Right now, I don't want a man telling me what to do."

 

It seems like the relationship she has wanted was: me being there, and her at the same time having all the freedom she wants.

 

I have always been protective. Along with that, I have many friends who tell me that girls with boyfriends at another college cheat on them all the time. One of my best friends was with a girl for 2+ years, and she was drinking one night and cheated in him "accidentally". So I guess with some of things I saw on facebook, and the fact that I wanted to talk to her a lot (i.e. I missed her) and I felt she wasn't giving it...led me to try to pull her closer to me.

 

She expressed to me last night that "you never know what comes in life" again and that maybe one or two years down the road, if we pick up contact again then maybe we will get back together. This doesn't sit well with me because I feel like I am losing something I truly love and one of my best friends.

 

I am incapable of talking casually to this girl either. I just feel it...I know that would be devastating to me everytime I would get on the phone. But then, I don't want her to think I'm not thinking bout her at all....

 

Eh.

[XCRunner1]

Also, in regards to the "seeing other people" thing. She says that she is not looking for another guy or another relationship. She needs time for herself- and "needs to be selfish for awhile".

 

The problem with the whole situation is remembering all the memories I have had with her. We have done everything together and I go to college only about 45 minutes away....so all the memories are everywhere around me. Just an example, I have been a distance runner for seven years and she was a runner too...so all the running trails I am at, I remember doing my easy days with her... Or we went hiking, biking, or fishing, etc.