6 Months Today...

[lostwithouthim]

I've been thinking about today for the last week or so, not in any particular way or with any particular emotions but simply as the 6 month anniversary of my partner's death. It wasn't until halfway through the day that it really hit me. That 'cloud' hovered over me and my guts and my heart felt as though they were made of lead. It was at that moment that I realized I have been feeling this for the last week...in a sort of subconscious way. I've been raw, sensitive, tender (as in the feeling of a day old bruise, not as in a gentle reminiscence). I've gotten choked up over the most bizarre, mundane things. I've been playing with his ring on my finger more frequently these last few days.

 

I think "six months...how can it be so long" while at the same time thinking "only six months...it feels like it's been decades without him". I wouldn't be able to even think about all of these feelings if it weren't for the fact I've been on anti-depressants for the last 2 months. I feel that I don't do him justice when I curl up in a ball and ignore the world, but then again, I feel guilty when I get out of bed and tackle my to-do list for the day.

 

It's not only been six months since his death, it's been six months since my own traumatic experience in the car with him. How can I separate the grief I feel for him and the anxiety & fear the post-traumatic stress is causing me? I feel like it would be so much easier to deal with them separately, but I can't tell which is the direct cause of my particular emotions at any given moment. The pain and sadness is so fresh on the surface today. I've been going about my day always feeling just a hair's breadth away from sobbing uncontrollably, but all that comes are some watery eyes and a huge lump in my throat.

 

I haven't yet dealt with his possessions. I open the medicine cabinet...he is there--his shampoo, his hairbrush, his razor. His toothbrush still sits beside mine on the bathroom counter, his shoes lay just where he left them. If I cleaned these things out I'm afraid what the visual emptiness would do to me. All of these things are SUPPOSED to be there. That's where they live, why would I remove/move them? It subconsciously comforts me to see these things exactly where they have been for 8 years.

 

What is the 6 month milestone supposed to be/do? What other 'milestones' are there?

[earthmother]

hi ,

 

sorry to hear about your partner. I ve been there 8 yrs ago lost my husband by car accident. I suddenly become widow age of 32 with 2.5 yrs old son in a foreign county . It is very lonely journey believe me. 4 yrs I didn't touch to any car , I did get nervous with it. ( sorry for my english it is 2. language) . I guess every one deals diffirent way. I don't remember first year too much even today. but I took big decisions some came out ok some was bad. I did started university and helped me alot. it took me 5 yrs to accept it was over my soul mate , my husband my friend was gone. the wound is still there but doesn't bleed as much as it used to be. I still miss him alot.

 

you will feel when the time comes to deal with his possessions. don't push ur self be gentle to yourself. I know it is hard to believe but time heals everything. when people told me this I never believed I never thought I could feel happy again I coul feel complite again but I did. when i laughed first time I was surprised and happy . I felt dead inside but as long as we breath we got nice happy days to come.

 

good luck with your journey and I m sorry again you tasted bitter side of the life.

 

lots of hugs

[lostwithouthim]

Dear Earthmother,

 

Thank you for your words of comfort. It is extremely lonely being widowed in your 30s, especially to something so sudden as a car accident. I have yet to get behind the wheel of a car. I don't live in a metro area so I need to begin driving again soon from a logistical perspective. I never lost consciousness during the accident so the sounds, the sight all haunt me throughout every moment of my day. I can barely get myself to do any work or get showered and dressed by a decent time, never mind raise a child. I don't know how people like you and KG do it. I suppose maybe they are the reason you wake up after such a tragedy.

 

After a week or two of significant progress and a weekend of socializing with friends, I find myself literally paralyzed by my emotions today. I am so overwhelmed with sadness and despair. I almost want to avoid the 'good' days because I know that days like today are waiting on the other side. The sadness is such a deep pain that permeates my whole body. I just want to go back to sleep and dream that tomorrow will be better, or that at least I can sleep through the passing of another day. The anti-depressants don't seem to be doing too much for me today, although it does comfort me somewhat to know that people like you have made it to the 'other side' of grief. Thank you.

 

LWH