how to be friends with guys when they are married/in relationships

[mentee]

growing up, my very good friends have pretty much been guys .. i had always been "one of the guys" or a "little sister" .. now that we are all adults and are involved in serious relationships, most of my guy friends' girlfriends or new wives have made an issue out of our friendship .. i've been told that they are jealous that we are so close or that they just don't feel comfortable for whatever reason .. a few of them have told my friends that they don't want my friends to share anything personal with me .. at the very least, some of the girls won't even talk to me when we all hang out .. because i care for my friends, i just stop contact (at least on my part) .. i have sacrificed our friendships to spare them of this conflict.

 

i'm friendly, open, outgoing, happy, and goofy .. i know my boundaries, and i definitely don't flirt .. i just happen to be extremely close to my friends .. i try to be friends with the girlfriends/wives, and only rarely am i lucky enough to be good friends with them (in fact, only 2).

 

but i do miss my friends a lot .. now that i'm older, the new good friends that i make are mostly women .. however, i've made a few new guy friends and they happen to be married when i met them .. the way i feel about these guys is the way i feel about my guy friends from my childhood or like someone who is related to me .. i really love them a lot and care for them, but their wives (and understandably so) don't seem very comfortable .. i try to be close with the wives as well, but we just don't click or connect as well as i do with their husbands .. i just value friendships very much and consider myself a very great and thoughtful friend .. and i think that is why my friends appreciate me and are very close to me ...

 

what can i do to maintain my friendships with my guy friends and also have everyone (me, the guy, his lady) comfortable?

[annie24]

invite the guys and their wives on a double date with you and your guy. getting to know the wives, and having them get to know you and see that you aren't trying to get their man is a good thing to do. or just get to know the wives one on one, invite them out shopping or invite them out for drinks.

[mentee]

thanks annie, i think those are great suggestions ..

 

at the moment i'm single, so it makes it tough to do a double date ... but i have gone to dinner with one of my friends and his wife (just the 3 of us, but that's rare) .. with a lot of my friends' girlfriends or wives, i don't really connect with them .. say they might prefer to go shopping, do their nails, get a tan, get their hair done .. whereas i am not interested in those things and the female friends that i have aren't into those things as well .. or say some of those girls love to party, drink, and go crazy, and i'm not into that either .. or say that i have similar beliefs and opinions as my guy friends but not their girlfriends (these are just a few examples of how i connect with the guys and not the girls) .. should i suck it up and try to do something they like to do? is trying to create a friendship with someone you'd normally never be friends with something that everyone does to maintain their friendships with the guys?

[annie24]

why not invite them out to a movie, or do something else to show that you are just interested in friendship, nothing more? maybe one of the girlfriends will wind up introducing you to her brother!

 

i know you probably aren't so fond of them, but getting to know them a bit better may help ease the tension, and they can be assured that you are not going after their man.

[mentee]

haha! thanks annie .. you rock (: .. exactly the advice i was looking for!

[ginahunt3]

Those are good suggestions, but I have a different approach in mind. Have you ever tried to hang out with their mates without the men? Kind of a girls night out. You said you have hung out with the 2 of them, but the woman may be watching for signs of something that may not be there. I hope that is understandable. It's possible that they are uncomfortable because they feel left out. Make some memories that they excludes the guy & maybe that would even things out. Let me know how you make out. Good luck!

[Censored]

why not invite them out to a movie, or do something else to show that you are just interested in friendship, nothing more? maybe one of the girlfriends will wind up introducing you to her brother!

 

i know you probably aren't so fond of them, but getting to know them a bit better may help ease the tension, and they can be assured that you are not going after their man.

 

Annie is spot on!

 

It is about involving the wife to remove any sort of fears or suspicions of motive.

 

Include her and you'll be fine.

[Lucy__lou]

Hey mentee,

 

I too have the problem of feeling stifiled in how warm and friendly I can be with male friends because of the conclusions people can jump to. It's so boring! so my sympathies. And I just want to say that even though you might adapt yourself to keep the wives happy, that I don't think it's fair that you have to, and that it's dumb that there are things in our cultures which make it so hard to simply have nice real friendships.

 

I like the above suggestion of the all girls gatherings. The dynamic might be better and more friendly with no men around.

 

And would the wives be more chill if you hang out with their husbands along with other men too? (i.e. not one on one)?

 

I don't think you should have to become something you're not to get the wives on side. But I guess you do what you have to.

[Always Hopeful]

It's a tough situation and tough call. I'm a bit of the opposite in that I'm male and most of my ongoing friends have been women (I grew up with older sisters, it's just a comfort zone with me sometimes).

 

Anyway, one of the issues may be not only the closeness, but that you're single and close. That makes you a threat or potential threat no matter how much you try to be friends with your guy friends' wives.

 

I'm not saying you haven't, but try to focus your attention on finding the right partner for yourself. If you are in a committed relationship, it may not delete all the issues, but it may mute them enough for a friendship to develop between you and your guy friends' wives.

 

The other thing is you may want to ask your guy friends' wives to try to set someone up with you....kinda get them involved in the process of making you less of a threat to them.

 

The final issue that you have to be aware of is that may be you are a legitimate threat to the wives. Who knows what state your friends' marriages are in. Are there trust issues to begin with in that marriage? Your friends may not be telling you the whole story (for a lot of reasons, one of which may be because they don't want to put you in an awkward position, or may be they are interested in you and you are their escape valve...a pleasant refuge from the marriage storm.) You have to be cautious about these situations.

 

Friends between opposite sexes are really, really difficult, and I've had my heart broken (yes heart broken) a few times, the last one most recently. We're still trying to figure things out, and sometimes it's a good day, and sometimes a bad day.

 

When things get close, that's when things get tougher, and may be that is what is going on here.