When to let go...

[some strange girl]

Hi there ENA members, I would appreciate any comments on my situation.

 

I've been with my bf for over two years, one year LDR (yet only two hours distance) and I know for a fact that it is very hard to cope for him. To be honest, I am able to deal with the situation really well. So for now, it looks like we will have to keep long-distancing for two more years due to my studies, plus three to four weeks studying abroad. He said that was ok with him and he would wait. He's very much a family guy, and is currently searching for an apartment, wants us to move in together etc.

 

Few weeks ago, we had a fight about some stupid thing, nothing serious, but the conversation turned a little odd, and we only ended up hurting each other. Next day he tells me, the LDR doesn't work for him anymore. We split. Out of desperation, I write him a letter two weeks after that, just for closure and to tell him how I feel, he calls me and we talk and both say that maybe we should try again, because he misunderstood and thought I was gone for four more years (?!)

 

We talked last week, and he was very sweet and asked me how I felt, and whether I wanted to try again and I was crying all over and told him honestly that I think he has deserved something other that what we have because I know how much he suffers from the distance, and that I don't think this is what he really wants out of a relationship. Eventually he agreed and said that he was losing touch because I was never home, which really scared me because he was always telling me he loves me and how much he cares and I thought things were (at least halfway) fine for him. So basically I think that it is unfair for me to keep him waiting so long, plus he said he had the feeling I don't want to be with him for real because I have been reluctant on getting an apartment together, simply because I'm a student and cannot afford it yet.

Basic outcome of this talk was, we both love each other, but it is the wrong time in our lives with me being a student and him desperatly wanting a committed, 'real' relationship which is something I cannot give him yet due to the distance.

 

So as for now, I am crying myself to sleep everyday, thinking of what we had, including all those 'I will never find someone like that again'/'I will utterly regret having given up on this'/'I will never be able to love anybody like I do love him' - thoughts. Plus, this was my very first 'real' relationship. Every day, I am so close to calling him and just talking (he said I could call every time, and that he wants to be friends after a while of NC; but I guess that's just what you say, isn't it)

 

The plan for now is - stay NC for a month or two, see how I get on (or realize I have made a stupid mistake letting him go), until I can see things clearly and then... well. To try or not to try? The thing is, he was always very good to me, and there is nothing that I could hate him for (which makes it even harder). I know that if I talked to him, I could probably still make it work.

 

Please share your problematic LDR 'one of us can't do this anymore' stories with me, dear friends - or otherwise just give me your thoughts

[midnightrambler]

We stopped the LDR when it was more important to play in a golf tournament then to fly to Boston

[DN]

I think in situations like this it is a mistake to let someone go for their own good. People should be allowed to make up their own minds what is good for them and what they can or cannot tolerate.

 

If you want to break up for reasons of your own that is your decision. But you should not make his decisions for him.

[amure]

i think you should have a think about what your giving up, and why your giving it up.

i know studies is very important but think, you have all your life to study.

if this guy is "the one", and you give him up because you want to finish your studies two years earlyer... it could be something you regret your entire life.

 

all in all, i think you should "put your studies of" for now, go with him, once everythings settled down go back to your studies in happiness. i cant imagine you performing to the best of your abilities in such a broken state

 

good luck

[greensleeves]

i think you should have a think about what your giving up, and why your giving it up.

i know studies is very important but think, you have all your life to study.

if this guy is "the one", and you give him up because you want to finish your studies two years earlyer... it could be something you regret your entire life.

 

all in all, i think you should "put your studies of" for now, go with him, once everythings settled down go back to your studies in happiness. i cant imagine you performing to the best of your abilities in such a broken state

 

good luck

 

I don't agree that you should put your studies on hold. You would only end up resenting him for it, and if the two of you were to move in together, how would you be able to afford to continue with school?

 

It sounds to me that this is a decision he has been thinking about for a long time. If a small fight over something stupid ended up with the two of you parting ways, then there is something not working for both of you. You weren't alone in this decision...he agreed that it wasn't working for him and you need to respect that. If he loves you and sincerely wants to build a solid future with you, he'll understand the importance of your education and that having a career you want will enhance both of your lives.

 

I think that the two of you should keep in touch and maybe after some time without the pressure of a "relationship", you may end up back together. Time will let you both know if it's right for you to wait for eachother.

[JamesSweetypie117]

I'm in a situation very similar to yours right now. My boyfriend and I have been doing long distance for 3 years now, and its becoming extremely difficult. We love eachother tons, but we only get to see eachother twice every year or so. And unfortunately, we're both still young and in college, and moving to be together is hardly an option. We haven't broken up yet, but the distance has become a huge struggle for him, and I feel like it is going to end soon...even though I desperately don't want it to.

I'm not sure I really have any advice for you. But I know how painful it is. I feel the same pain every time my boyfriend says "I don't think this is going to work out." But I think that if you both love eachother, then it will work out, and maybe, you'll get back together because you miss eachother so much.

I hope everything works out!

[some strange girl]

thanks for your replies!

 

@ justanotherchick:

 

true, no spelling mistake - it's only two hours. we saw each other every two weeks at least, and he said he could deal with it if I came home every weekend. then again, he didn't try to talk to me first, and suddenly we're breaking up because of this... he also said that his time is running out, because he is very jealous of other people having settled down and having a house/wife/kids/dog and all that (he's only 25, btw, and I am 22, so kids and family is not exactly what I'm thinking of yet, being a student).

I think that, even if my heart tells me something else, it's the wrong time in both our lives and we want different things. Even though I'm sad that he obviously is too weak to deal with the ridiculous two hour distance.

 

 

@ amure:

 

I don't mean to offend you, but giving up my studies is the last thing I would do, and he is in no position to demand that from me. I am not a selfish person, but this is about my future, plus I know for a fact I will be coming back to the city he lives in, our hometown, in two years' time.

The problem is, he has had a stable job situation for some time now, and the next step for him is moving in together and settling down for real. For me, it is not the time yet, although of course I want it like everybody else. I also don't feel that, as he claims, his time is running out at the age of 25.

[MNmike]

2 hrs? Thats nothing. My girl and I did 9 hrs for a year. She went to grad school. Until she broke up with me in Nov. Our problem was not communication about the outcome. She had asked me to move, I was not ready. We saw each other every month. But apparently she was not happy, once again the communication thing. She never told me she was hurting. I made some mistakes, drove there for her birthday didn't have a card, and she about lost it. She said "I didn't care enough to do whatever it takes to be with her" which now sounds pretty one sided. She also never asked again when I would move, she just started to assume I never would. Never assume and always talk about whats on your mind. I felt ok, but she didn't I guess. We were together for 5 years total. She started dating her coworker immediately after our breakup, which leads me to other thoughts I will not get into. So we have been NC for 2 months, although she wanted to see me a month after, I refused. Now I just have to go on with life, but I know this rebound will fail and she will want some sort of contact again. It sucks big, and I know its all wrong.

 

My point after the rambling is 2 hours is not much, don't break up for someone elses good. He needs to have more confidence in the relationship and you. If you want it trust your gut, give it time as suggested, and move forward slowly. Either something will happen and you'll be like screw him, or you come together in the end!