Apparently, I'm an idiot.

[Empathy]

All I've done for the past 2 days at clinicals is mess up. My short term memory has gotten so bad that I'm starting to forget some of the most important things and now everyone is starting to see me as the class moron. I messed up so many times today that the last time I messed up all they could do was just stare at me in disbelief and sigh. And all I could do was just excuse myself to the bathroom and cry my eyes out.

 

An example of how bad my memory is...One of my patients has to be bathed with a bag on her arm because she has an IV port. I looked up and down for a bag. Asked a nurse who didn't know, then found the CNA who told me where I could find one. Over all, I looked for about 10-15 minutes for that damn bag and guess what I did? I forgot to put the damn thing on her arm and didn't realize it until after I had her bathed and dressed!

 

I'm sick and tired of embarrassing myself in front of my classmates (AKA stuck up * * * * * es). I know that they're judgmental and have no right to have such negative perceptions of me because I have the STM of a damn gold fish. They're so judgmental in fact, that a couple of them won't even talk to me anymore. They treat me as if I've done something directly to them! I know I'm no dolt. But these facts still don't take away the sting of having to admit (in front of the whole clinical group) that you forgot to notify the real nurse when your patient's temperature was dangerously low. I HAD to excuse myself and cry like a pansy after that one. I cried all the way from the hospital to my bf's place.

 

I just want my memory back. I used to remember EVERY. LITTLE. DETAIL to the point of INSANITY and now my memory could kill someone. I'm a human being! Probably more human than those girls that treat me like I'm less because I make mistakes. I'm still a damn student. I'm learning. I still have a lot of time before these things become second nature to me and I've got medical issues that I'm fighting. I'm willing to bet that everyone in my clinical group has messed up just as bad as I have but didn't have the balls to come forward and say so. I guess rejection and humiliation is the price paid for being honest in the world of nursing. Its no wonder so many of them lie and, right now, it seems pretty unfortunate that I'll never be able to conceal the truth.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Every one makes mistakes. Its hard in your field because its very unforgiving. Don't let your group get you down, they aren't perfect, they may not make the same mistakes, but they will make them.

 

Have you changed your sleep habits or foods. Do you taken a multi-vit, I had serious memory issues and found that a B complex and iron boost helped.

 

I made a really stupid mistake at my thesis defense because I was trying to answer too quickly, at that point I made myself stop and think for every other answer. It was high stress making me run over my own thoughts.

 

Take a moment to figure out what to do, just breathe and focus on the task, block out the group and the things that aren't part of your focus.

[Empathy]

I know. And I'm not handling it too well at the moment. I hate to admit this, but I need to get it off of my chest....I'm a cutter. I haven't done it in a while but once a cutter always a cutter. I'm just in "remission." I haven't wanted to cut myself over anything outside of family or bf relations in my entire life until now. I was so embarrassed and felt so dumb that I felt I needed to be punished. Its sad and its sick. I know this. But I wanted to do it so badly because I was just so hurt by it all and felt I deserved it.

 

And I know that a lot of you are going to tell me that if my reaction is going to be cutting every time something like this happens, then I shouldn't be in this field. But it won't always be like that. I just have to grow some more spine. I can do that. Its just going to take time.

[CarnelianButterfly]

It's not sad or sick, its your coping mechanism. It's not healthy, have you seen a therapist? Someone to help you find a less destructive way of coping.

 

Don't think you shouldn't do what you are doing because of some mistakes. Mistakes are part of learning.

[Empathy]

I know that mistakes are part of learning. I just hope this says nothing about how I will be in the real world if I actually become a nurse. I realize that the others in my group probably messed up and didn't say anything, but it still looks pretty bad that I'm the only one thats actually been shown to be a screw up.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Like you said it will take time for you to get to point where things are second nature.

 

Try to calm down. Do you exercise regularly? High stress days are easier after some physical release. The endorphins released will also be good at calming you. Drink some herbal tea (no caffeine), chamomile is very relaxing.

 

You might try to cut back on caffeine, it can help keep you going, but it can also make you more anxious and stressed.

[Empathy]

Ok. I'll give those suggestions a thought. Thanks guys. But, can anyone here tell me how I'm supposed to face these people tomorrow? Some of these girls won't even look me in the face when they talk to me and they've started staring at me as if I'm from outer space (when I'm not talking to them, that is). I'm not just seeing things either. It makes me very uncomfortable and just makes me feel worse about it all.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Don't let them get under your skin. They are playing games, don't fall into them. Don't change how you act, don't change how you talk to them. Just work on as if they aren't there.

[FuzzyKitten]

walk in with your head up, ready to learn from your mistakes. Who cares what these girls think? You're there for you and your career and education, not for approval from a bunch of people you'll probably never see again after school.

[CaptainPlanet]

Well if they're nursing students and they're stuck up I would imagine they won't stay stuck up for too long.

 

Sometimes people get off to a slow start, persistance is the key. If you keep trying your best I guarantee you will improve and be as good as any of your classmates, if not better.

 

Plus with their attitudes it sounds like they have a long way to fall.

[CaptainPlanet]

Do you drink coffee ? Coffee kills my memory and ability to think.

[Empathy]

Nope. No coffee. Caffeinated drinks are a treat for me. I drink water most of the time.