I'm slowly getting over things.....but really slow.

[Maverick44]

Hi Everyone,

 

I've been reading these things for awhile. It really does help. I'll let you know my story.

 

Essentially, in December of last year, a friend of mine had recently broke up with her bf of 2 years. She said she didn't want to be with him anymore and he was abusive towards her. In January, she and I started dating and I was playing it kinda loose because I didn't want to just be a rebound and had been in a 6 year relationship previously that seriously hurt when it ended. I specifically told her that. She insisted I wasn't a rebound but I still played it loose, loose enough to the point that sometime in April she told me that whenever we got in arguments, I couldn't just be willing to walk away so easily. I figured that she was right and that I should actually not do that.

 

On a side note, she and I have known each other for 8 years. We were in high school together but then went our separate ways for college and our lives. We just happened to get back in touch through friends.

 

Well, anyhow, so I do make the effort with her and things are going really great. We're in love, etc. Of course we have our arguments but we both felt that we were truly in love. Now six months in, we take a trip to San Francisco and it goes great! Matter of fact, it went so well that she begins telling her mother about me. You see, my now ex was raised in a traditional chinese household. So, she and I were talking about marriage, etc and a life together. She tells her mom about me and things start going downhill. Apparently, traditional chinese households want you to marry someone asian vs. a latino man.

 

Well, my gf is very sensitive and with her mom in her ear, it did start having an effect. I think she created some fights sometimes but in the end she'd always say she wanted to be with me. Then, in August, we had a fight and I thought we should take some time apart. She even mentioned to me that these things were happening because she felt she was lying to her parents about being with me because her mom didn't want her too and was always yelling at her. Still, after some time we did continue to date but as "friends" but I still wasn't really allowed to be intimate with others and she as well. It wasn't a healthy situation.

 

Anyhow, this story really could go on longer but basically, we broke up in in late September. I remember her saying something me like "I want to be with you. I want to marry you but I can't WANT to be with you. I need to do what's right for the security of my family". Mind you, she did always indicate that family was a priority to her.

 

Anyhow, I did contact her within the first two weeks, twice via email, and she just told me that everything really hurt her and when she thought of things, she became hurt and angry and that her Mom still yelled at her whenever my name came up. She told me that if I truly cared about her I would allow us both to move on with our lives, including dating other people.

 

She had said she wants us to be friends. I do too. I know it is better to be apart right now and not talk (It has been 6 weeks) because whenever I think about it, I still get really sad and angry myself.

 

I guess for now what I'm looking for is just some understanding. I do want to contact her but I don't allow myself. I figure that when she's ready, she will, and the truth is, I'm not exactly ready. How about if she is dating someone herself? I don't want to deal with that pain! *laugh* I've gone out with friends. It's good. I've even gone to Vegas.

 

Honestly, I just miss her and I guess that's the way it is. Funny, I still miss my ex that I dated for 6 years. That ex and I are still friends,and keep in regular contact, though.

 

What do you all think of this situation? I sometimes feel a little angry that I still get angry or obsessed about it. I did the same thing with my first ex. I sometimes think that I should go to a doctor to get some medicine because maybe I'm obsessive compulsive or something. I just don't want to think about it and move on, let it go. Maybe I'm still healing and it hurts because I really did love her and I know she loved me. It just bites because I used to believe love was what you needed but after these past two relationships have ended with much love in them, I no longer do. It takes alot more.

 

I focus on my future. I have alot of things to do and am planning on graduate school. I had a really tough time after she and I broke up because I had a big exam 4 weeks later that I focused on but it was still tough. I might have to take it again but can't be sure. I could have passed!

 

Anyhow, any replies are appreciated and I'm sorry this took so long.

 

Maverick

[wisdomgained]

that is a lot to think about all at once...

 

you keep on saying (in around about way) that you know what you should do, what is best. If that is true, I say, stick with that and do it.

 

If you guys are meant to be, she will settle things with her family--and you will get a chance to prove yourself worthy. Though they may never be 100% happy, hopefully they would warm up.

 

I hope you get to feeling better, and decide to forgive yourself so you can quit being angry at yourself. You take care, mmkay?

 

Good luck about the exam/test thing--hope you passed.

 

ttyl.

 

Becky

[mahlina]

Coming from an Asian background, I can tell you that Education is a high priority. It's a strongly held value.

 

Family is also another strongly held value.

 

I see that your ex truly does love you. When she says that she would like to marry you, you should keep her word for it.

 

I'm pretty sure that she's going through a lot of pressure. From my understanding, if she's from a traditional background, then her parents probably would want her to marry an Asian man.

 

However, she chose not to date an asian guy. She chose you. It took a lot of courage to go against her parent's will!

 

Take her word for it. She really does love you.

 

I really respect the fact that you have chosen not to contact her. I think that giving her space to concentrate on school is the best thing to do.

 

I love hearing stories about interacial couples. Latino/Asian chemistry are among the rare ones that I've seen. Good Luck! In all hopes, I sincerely wish that you two will get back together someday (and then you guys will have beautiful, mixed-race children! J/K)

[mahlina]

Oh and by the way...

 

You are not obsessed! You are just heartbroken. Hang in there though. Good luck on the exams!

 

Try running at the beach. It really helps you get things off your chess. It's a tough time, the pain may seem eternal, but don't give up hope, (especially in potential relationships).

[Maverick44]

Well, she's out of school now. We're both 27 years old.

 

Of course I miss her. It's been 6 weeks since we talked last. I do believe that she did love me. I do want to contact her but like I said, I just don't know what good it would do. It would hurt her. It would hurt me.

 

I don't think it's that I have to forgive myself for anything I've done. I just miss her alot.

 

What I really hate is that I still think about it. When I think about it, I get angry and hurt again. It distracts my concentration!

 

So how slow is this process? I mean, with no contact should it not go alot faster? Why do I go through these up and down swings?? I just want to move on, know that I did love her, and move on.

 

I can see myself dating other women but am not looking for a serious relationship. Honestly, I just don't want to get distracted again. I have alot of things to get done in the future and these relationships, when they end, really distract me! I don't mind dating. I mind commitment not because marriage isn't good or nice. It's that I have the desire to complete the goals I have set for myself without having to deal with these distractions.

 

Replies are appreciated....