I need some advice, please

[xika5]

I wrote a couple of weeks ago, talking about my distant, not-so-close relationship with my mother. I hardly talk to her. I’m very reserved and not talkative at all, while she is a very loud, talkative person. She also controls me way too much. I feel like the black sheep of my family. I have 5 other brothers and sisters, we are all very close in age (I’m 20), and they all seem to get along perfectly with my mom, at least…they don’t see any problem with her. I hate seeing the way they are being brought up, they are very spoiled and my mom is just making them very dependent on her, she treats them like babies! I have a more independent personality, while my brothers are very needy and don’t have enough character to stand up for themselves.

 

That’s why I’ve decided I’m going to move out, I just can’t stand living in my house anymore, and I want to learn to grow more independent and out of my mothers overbearing control. I used to be scared, especially since my mom has so much influence over me, I never had enough backbone or courage to stand up to her. But I’ve decided I’m now old enough to start living by myself. I know it will be difficult at first, but almost everyone goes through this at some point in their life and eventually they learn don’t they? I know my mom will strongly object, but this time I will be strong enough to stand up to her and show her how serious I am. I am not being rebellious or ungrateful.

 

I just need some very good arguments to convince her that I can live by myself, I mean…she will still have to provide for me financially for a while until I finish my career and be able to work for my self, but money won’t be a problem. The problem is that she does not trust me, nor does she believe in me, every time I’ve hinted I want to live by myself she never takes me seriously and when she begins to notice it’s serious, she will discourage me by telling me how I won’t be able to live by myself. She’s also very old-fashioned and being a girl will make it so much more difficult, just because I’m a girl she doesn’t let me do so many things. She won’t let me go out at night and every time I do go out she has to be calling me every couple of hours to “make sure I’m fine and where I am”, even though I will always tell her beforehand where I’ll be going. Maybe that’s normal, but I still think it’s too controlling, especially at my age. So imagine about telling her I’m going to live by myself…she is going to freak.

Also, I already decided where I want to live and continue my career, I want to move to another country. It’s not like I’ll be moving accross the street, and that’s going to make it more difficult. The country I chose I have already been thinking about moving there for years, I want to experience new things, new cultures, learn new things, and I’ve checked out some universities there already and I love the curriculum, I’m very excited about moving there. Anyway, what can I do to convince my mom? I know that she also loves me and will be heartbroken that I’m leaving her, but, she still has my other brothers with her. I don’t want to leave displeased and on bad terms with her.

[Brittney2008]

If I were you I would sit down with your mom and just explain to her that your ready to take the next step in your life.

 

If I've learned anything in my life these past few weeks its that the truth is ALWAYS the best answer and solution. Just be truthful and upfront. When you do tell her make sure you do it in a way to let her know that you've already made up your mind so she won't try and convince you to stay. Be strong and firm but in a loving way.

 

Explain that your twenty years old and you are interested in other countries and cultures and you think it would be the best option for you personally and for your educational options.

 

From what it sounds like to me your mom may be overbearing but she does it because she loves you. Clue her in on your plans and let her know that she can still be involved and she can still be close to you even though you are miles apart.

 

Good luck.

-Brittney

[Sunshine75]

The best argument that you could give is to just show that you're capable. You don't really have to say anything.

 

The only problem I can see with your argument is that you plan on still being financially dependant on her. If she's providing for you then she still has every right to say whether or not she will provide for you in her own home or pay for you to live somewhere else. That's just the way it is.

 

If you are truly serious about moving out and being independent - it will have to include being financially independent.

 

Since you're still in school, maybe you can just finish school at your mom's house and then move once you've found employment and can pay for your own place.

 

If you want to go to university in another country, then besides looking at curriculums, you ought to see how you can finance it on your own without her help. Look into scholarships and what sort of programs they might have available for students coming from other countries. If you are capable of going to another university in another country, fully on your own, then the only discussion you will need to have with her is explaining why you're going. Not to convince her to help you. That shows that you're truly an adult and fully independent.

 

Good luck!